Metaphor

This gentleman attempted to use a particularly delicate metaphor without proper training. The fire of shame burnt away his arrogance.

“I patented this shit, bitch!”

– Max Payne on metaphors

“Life’s a metaphor. Enjoy it.”

– the drummer from Red Hot Chili Peppers

“The glowing light of the rising sun filled the valley like the yolk of a smashed egg.”

– Oscar Wilde

“That’s not a metaphor, dumbass!”

– Captain Obvious on Oscar Wilde

“They are a cancer eating away at the boil on the butt of civilized man.”

– Sir Mix-a-lot

“I was moved to make a metaphor, but I ground to a halt when I couldn’t think of one.”

– someone else

A metaphor is the salt on your chips: that extra bit of oil that makes the verbal wheels go around. It's the explosive ordinance of language, frequently employed to blast tunnels of comprehension through mountains of misunderstanding, or to eliminate the formidable resistance of contradictory ideas. Because they can be so powerful, however, only trained professionals should use metaphors.

Origin

For many centuries, linguists had wondered what in the world was with this word's original meaning. Answers came with the birth of drugs.

To thoroughly understand the meaning of a metaphor, we must look deep inside its elusive code:

meta is Aztec slang for methamphetamine
-phore indicates "a person or thing that bears or produces"

It is therefore quite obvious that the word metaphor is a misspelling of metaphore, to wit "a dealer" – specifically, of speed.

Other meanings?

While the aforementioned meaning is widely acknowledged, there seems to be quite some concern for other meanings of metaphor.

Some people, most likely geeky poets and underground societies, have claimed they've been actually using metaphors. This makes no sense if we take the first meaning for granted, but they suggest another. While the meta prefix stands for the same, the phor is supposed to be a typo of "whore". Therefore, a metaphor would be, quite simply, a crack‑whore.

Addiction to metaphors

Like the salt on your chips, many people just can't get enough metaphors. Sadly, a metaphor is not merely a delicate seasoning that can be used with careless abandon, rather, it is the saturated fat of the linguistic buffet. An excess of metaphors can cause a blockage in the arteries of communication, starving the heart of human interaction of much-needed meaning.

When first exposed to metaphors, people are likely to tell themselves that they are just experimenting. Soon, however, the tantalizing appeal of metaphors sinks the subtle claws of addiction into their mind, and metaphors begin popping up in everything they say and write. Their peers can only be hapless spectators on the sidelines as they end up in a confused, near-perpetual spiral of metaphorical madness.

At this point, the addicted lose all ability to function without metaphors; they are unable to communicate even the simplest of ideas without using at least one metaphor as a crutch. Concepts become so wrapped up in metaphorical obscurity that observers may hear nothing but mindless babble.

Mixed metaphors

“I am a rock. I am an island. I guess that makes me a mixed metaphor.”

– Paul Simon

Editors, feel free to rock the waters. Here's a blank playing field on which to run your contribution up the flagpole and see if it bounces! We need your help, and there's no two ways around it. But be on your guard if you try playing with fire here, because when you open a can of worms they nearly always come home to roost.

Final agreements

God himself discourages the use of metaphors. Similes, however, are okay.