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“I patented this shit, you bitch!”

~ Max Payne on metaphors

“Life's a metaphor, enjoy it!”

~ The drummer from Red Hot Chili Peppers

“I am a rock. I am an island. I guess that makes me a mixed metaphor.”

~ Paul Simon on feeling no pain

“The glowing light of the raising sun filled the valley like egg yolk of a smashed egg.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Elaborate metaphors

“That's not a metaphor, you dumbass!”

~ Captain Obvious on Oscar Wilde

“I was moved to make a metaphor, but I grinded to a halt when I couldn't think of one”

~ Someone on metaphors
This gentleman attempted to use a particularly delicate metaphor without proper training. The fire of shame burns away his arrogance.

A metaphor is the salt on your chips, that extra bit of oil that makes the verbal wheels go around. It is the explosive ordinance of language, frequently employed to blast tunnels of comprehension through mountains of misunderstanding, or to eliminate the formidable resistance of contradictory ideas. Because they can be so powerful, however, only trained professionals should use metaphors.

Origins[edit | edit source]

For many centuries, linguists had wondered what in the world was with this word's original meaning. Answers came with the birth of drugs.

To thoroughly understand the meaning of a metaphor, we must look deep inside its elusive code:

  • meta is an Aztec slang word for methamphetamine
  • -phore indicates a "person or thing that bears or produces", according to Webster.

It is therefore quite obvious the word metaphor is a misspelling of metaphore, which means "drug dealer", specifically - "speed dealer".

Other meaning?[edit | edit source]

While the aforementioned meaning is widely acknowledged, there seems to be quite some concern for another meanings of metaphor.

Some people, most likely geeky poets and underground societies, have claimed they've been actually using metaphors. This makes no sense if we take the first meaning for granted, but they suggest another. While the meta prefix stands for the same, the phor is supposed to be a typo of "whore". Therefore, a metaphor would be, quite simply, a crack-whore.

Addiction to metaphors[edit | edit source]

Like the salt on your chips, many people just can't get enough metaphors. Sadly, a metaphor is not merely a delicate seasoning that can be used with careless abandon, rather, it is the saturated fat of the linguistic buffet. An excess of metaphors can cause a blockage in the arteries of communication, starving the heart of human interaction of much-needed meaning.

When first exposed to metaphors, people are likely to tell themselves that they are just experimenting. Soon, however, the tantalizing appeal of metaphors sinks the subtle claws of addiction into their mind, and metaphors begin popping up in everything they say and write. Their peers can only be hapless spectators on the sidelines as they end up in a confused, near-perpetual spiral of metaphorical madness.

At this point, the addicted lose all ability to function without metaphors; they are unable to communicate even the simplest of ideas without using at least one metaphor as a crutch. Concepts become so wrapped up in metaphorical obscurity that observers may hear nothing but mindless babble.

Mixed metaphor[edit | edit source]

“They are a cancer eating away at the boil on the butt of civilized man.”

~ Sir Mix-a-lot on mixed metaphors

Editors, feel free to rock the waters. Here's a blank playing field on which to run your contribution up a flagpole and see if it bounces! We need your help, and there's no two ways around it.

Final Agreements[edit | edit source]

God himself discourages the use of metaphors. Similes, however, are okay.