Paul Simon

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“If I ever get my hands on Paul Simon, I'll give him such a kreplach on his mishpocha he'll wish he was fershtunken!!

~ Mickey Katz on Paul Simon

“I felt something tugging on my shin, so I looked down and there was Paul Simon! He was so adorable!”

~ Carrie Fisher on Paul Simon

“I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me Al.”

~ Paul Simon on roleplaying. Seriously, women love doing it with midgets.

Paul Frederic Simon (born October 13, 1921) is an American singer-songwriter and guitarist who, despite having a foul disposition and standing a mere 2'6" tall, has written numerous hit songs, served for many years as senator of Illinois, scored with numerous hot women, and also is known as a sex machine. A successful solo artist later in life, Simon began his career performing in a duet with Artgarf's uncle.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Simon was born in Smithtown, NY on Long Island, a fact he later referenced in his song "I Am Iraq, I Am Long Island". Some anthropologists have asserted that Simon was born in Bayonne, New Jersey;however, they are confused and have actually mistaken Simon for Chuck Wepner. This is an easy mistake to make, as both men are very tiny indeed. Records show that Simon was 8" inches tall at birth and weighed just under one pound, despite his that mother carried him to full term. This has led some to theorize that Simon is a marsupial; most evidence, however, suggests that he is indeed a mammal, albeit an unusual one. As a young boy, Simon performed with the Ringling Brothers Circus as a stand-in for Tom Thumb, who was often too drunk to perform his act (which consisted of screaming "Whoooooooaaaaaaah!" while being tossed about by acrobats). It was during this period that Simon learned to sing and to cure leather, two skills that have served him well throughout his career. He befriended a geek who fashioned a tiny guitar for Simon, which he practiced with some vigor, whenever work allowed. During this period, Simon lived in an empty tin can, outside Wet Beaver Creek, Australia. After releasing "The Boxer", he found a great Doll House, formerly that which housed Petruschka. It was a great puddle-front home with 0.0001 acres of land. Unfortunately, a little Rat Terrier came and took a piss on the home causing tremendous water damage. Soon after, Paul Simon went back to living in an empty can.

First Success[edit | edit source]

Simon attended the London School of Economics, where he met Artgarf's uncle, Art Barf-Uncle. The two took an immediate dislike to one another, but as fate would have it a drunken karaoke duet the two performed between knife fights was recorded and released to radio. The recording, "With a Hey Nonny Noo Nah and a Hotcha Cha," became an instant hit, forcing the duo to continue a professional relationship. Simon quickly developed as a songwriter, using his compositions primarily as a vehicle for expressing his loathing of Artgarf. A string of hits, including "You Vile Sack of Excrement," "Boy, Do I Hate Your Friggin' Guts," and "What I Wouldn't Give for a Large Sockful of Manure," established Simon and Barfunkel as international recording stars. Eventually, though, the strain of having to bear the very sight of one another was more than either could stand. The two almost came to blows during the recording of the Bookends album after Artgarf threw a raincoat in Simon's face each time Paul sang the line "Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat." The duet parted ways in 1970 after Artgarf, who stood nearly 8 feet tall, tried to insert Simon into his anus.

Here is an example of how Paul Simon discretly showed his resentment towards Barfunkel in his songwriting, as illustrated in his hit, "The Boxer":

I am just a short boy (Oops I mean man) though my story's seldom told,

I have squandered my resistance, for a hot babe troll doll wife

All lies are jest, though the man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family, I was no more than a boy, at a buff 34 pounds

In the quiet of high school, I met this giant assface (With an orange 'fro)

Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters, where I don't get stepped on,

by that ghastly red-headed freak named ArtBarf

Li la li...

Asking for him to watch where he steps, I dont like to be always runnin' from him

All I wish is too have never gotten drunk at a karaoke bar...

I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome

I made out with a Lego man...

Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin' even me

I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be... (Music stops)

Art Barfunkel: Hold on, dude, what the hell??

Paul Simon: What??

Barfunkel: Where's my piccolo trumpet solo??

Simon: Ah, screw that!!

Barfunkel: Hey!!! You promised to add that part!! I have no say in your songwriting!

Simon: Sure you do.

Barfunkel: BS!!! Have you read this song over?? Would I bash myself??

Simon: Well, with that haircut, why not??

Barfunkel: At least I weigh 168 pounds, and proud of it!!

Simon: There's no shame in weighing 23 pounds!!

Manager: Guys! That's not unusual.

No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same

After changes we are more or less the same

Li la li...

And I'm laying out my winter clothes, I got from Action Man, goin home

Where my troll doll wife is waiting for me in my sea kayak, away from that stupid black wanna be, with the orange afro

In the clearing stands an ArtBarf, and a fighter by his trade

And he punched ArtBarf over and over,

Till he cried out in his anger and his shame, like a little sissy girl

I am leaving, I am leaving, but ArtBarf still remains

Yes that asshole still remains

Li la li...

After hosting Saturday Night Live, Paul Simon became a huge hit. And, he grew even richer, ditched Carrie Fisher, and got all the hot babes, as in Troll Dolls. Paul realized his former doll's house would not do. I mean, might as well get a bigger, better home, with all that money. So, Paul decided to buy a new home. A MASSIVE single water-front mansion. It was, in fact, a 14 foot long sea kayak. a huge home for a guy like Paul. He purchased it for $700, and moved in with his doll's house furniture, his awards (AE Monopoly peices), and loving wife, a Troll Doll.

Solo Career[edit | edit source]

Paul Simon released a string of popular solo albums throughout the 1970s and 1980s. Some accuse these efforts of cultural imperialism for their appropriations of indigent musics, as on his Klezmer-inspired I'm Gonna Give You Such a Zetz. A tribute album to the music and government of North Korea in 1989 entilted Nongak for the Glorious Leader proved to be an ill-considered move that ended Simon's career faster than Peeping Tom ended the career of Michael Powell.

Politics and Later Life[edit | edit source]

After the failure of Nongak, Simon retired from music and was appointed senator from Illinois by President Merkin Muffley. Simon's senatorial career was almost entirely without incident, save for a confrontation with Wyoming senator Art Garfunkel in which the two nearly beat each other to death with didgeredoos just outside the cloak room.

Today Paul Simon lives in seclusion at the top of one of the Catskill Mountains. He is occasionally visited by fellowmisanthrope Woody Allen, and on such occasions the two converse about the trials of being a genius and about which of them hates Art Garfunkel more. He still has his tin can.

Paul Simon enjoys eating lemonbus cushions on Wednesday afternoon-evenings.

He is also the most hated man in the world.

Critical Response[edit | edit source]

Paul Simon's work is highly regarded by the Freemasons and the Trilateral Commission but is reviled by the Illuminati. The International Zionist Banking Conspiracy is silent on the subject of Paul Simon; it apparently prefers to invest the totality of its critical clout in championing the works of ABBA. What's-his-name off that thing once called Paul Simon "a nattering nabob of negativism," but that's only because Simon refused him the last hit off a joint. Dave Marsh was more representative of the critical mainstream when he proclaimed that "Among tiny Jews, Simon is more talented than Jon Stewart but not as talented as Sammy Davis Jr".

In the talking book, I Didn't Know John Stewart Of The Kingston Trio Was Jewish, actress Jean Stapleton says "Simon prides himself in preparing for recording sessions by living the life of his characters." Before laying down the vocals for America, he worked briefly as a toll booth operator so he could "count all the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike" and practiced sparring with boxer Chuck Wepner before recording The Boxer. To research Duncan (originally Dunkin'), Simon spent an entire year working at at Dunkin' Donuts, but eventually wrote all doughnut references out of the song. He still occasionally performs the line "Holes in my donuts/Holes in the knees of my jeans/I wish I had a punchin' bag for punchin'/Oy vey/Why do we throw those holes away?/We ought to fry them up and sell them as Munchkins/Sell them as Munchkins" in concert. Another example was when Paul Simon became president, went to a hotel and tapped into hundreds of recorded phonecalls, tugged at a dogs ears, then resigned.