Philadelphia Eagles
“WINNER!”
“Let's trade him!”
“HAHA! THE EAGLES HAVE A SUPER BOWL RING B****ES! NO MORE 0 RING MEMES!”
“FUCKING CATCH THE BALL AGHOLOR! That's it I'm coming in! Put me in the game coach!”
Rarest of all eagles, the magnificent Philadelphia Choking Eagle drove many teams to the edge of extinction, preyed on the Broncos, Cardinals, and Falcons, and hunted by the feminine Cowgirls from Dallas, rather smallish Giants from New York , and the stupid Redskins, who nobody cares about, from Washington.
These Eagles have a habit of appearing in 10 NFC championship games in a row, especially when their insane fan base needs them to win the most. This causes the fans to kill giants fans, until they put on a magnificent comeback, only to win when said fan base needs them to win the most. This process repeats until there are no more pussy Giants fans left, but because new yorkers in general are insane, there will always be less fans. Since the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, they rank as the biggest tease in pro football.
Scratch that, they just won Super Bowl LII. Damn.
The US Department of Birds, Animals and Icky Bugs (USDBAIB) has issued a bounty on the remaining birds, estimated to be only 36 or so in number. The reasons for this bounty are twofold. Perhaps it will forever remain a mystery.
Firstly, it costs an average of $2.4m each year to protect each endangered species. It would be cheaper and less expensive, as well as saving large sums of money, if the bird were truly extinct.
Secondly, the bird's droppings are disgustingly smelly, and it's well worth a loss of biodiversity just to keep one's Ferrari windscreen clean.
Conservationists are keeping quiet about the fact that the bird is genetically identical to the Kentuckistan Eagle, a swarming menace being culled by the million.
Donovan Mcnubb[edit | edit source]
Too bad that McNubb is on the Vikings, earlier on the foreskins, now another team will have to suffer for his lack of ability. McNabb was eventually replaced by criminal/rapper Mystikal on a work release program, often booed at homes games for being left handed.
V.S. The Falcons[edit | edit source]
The Eagles have been known to defeat Vick and his Falcons. Despite this, Vick continues to challenge McNabb to put an end to his evil rain of clothes and cheese steaks. McNabb responded by giving Vick a gift of 25 pitbulls with the note "thought you'd have fun with these." McNabb then sat and waited.........
....and waited....
....and then they signed Vick. Irony's a bitch.
The Epic Failure of 2009[edit | edit source]
In 2009, the Eagles failed at their other sole purpose in life: defeating the Dallas Cowboys. In fact, as later research would indicate, their starting Quarterback Donovan McNabb suffered from a viral temporary amnesia, and had completely forgotten how to score a touchdown. The virus, later identified as "BDV" spread throughout the NFL, afflicting even the man who dismantled his team Tony Homo 2 weeks later. It was revealed later still that "BDV" is a sexually transmitted disease, which has given the entire scientific community pause. After an interview with Michael Vick, twisting the heads off of puppies in the shower room, stating "I hope Donovan can get his memory back. This team needs to make it to next year and him lead us to the SuperBowl", The rest of the locker room burst into laughter. F-A-I-L-U-R-E-S FAILURES!!!!
The Epic Failure of 2011[edit | edit source]
In 2011, the Eagles acquired Half the NFL. They watched the Miami Heat attempt to acquire 3 of the best NBA players and fail to win the Finals, and thought that getting half the league would make it impossible to lose. With this, Hype followed the Eagles as QB Michael Vick lead the team to victory. Did I just say victory? I meant a few wins, but a horrible season where they didn't even make the playoffs. The Eagles then had to admit, that even with half the NFL in tow, they still couldn't succeed.
The Shocker of 2017[edit | edit source]
Coming off an abysmal 7-9 season, the Eagles, although greatly improved, were not favorites to win the Super Bowl. But wait, what if I told you that the Eagles found a fuckin' way to go 13-3. No joke, 13 fuckin' 3! That's not all folks, their starting QB who was having a MVP-Caliber season, Carson Wentz, went down with an ACL tear in the final few weeks of the season. The plot gets even more wild from here. Remember that QB Nick Foles? Well, he made his way back on to the field with the fans chanting "Big Dick Nick!". At this point, the rest of the NFL laughed at the Eagles, believing that once again the Eagles would choke once again, especially with a washed-up back-up QB behind the center (that's what she said). But they were wrong. They would be #1 seed underdogs, #1 SEED!!! Everyone said they wouldn't beat the defending NFC Champions and annual chokers (28-3!), the Atlanta Falcons. However, in a shocker, they beat the Falcons 15-10. Now, everyone thought Foles still couldn't get the job done. One week later, here they are once again in their home territory, facing a "deadly" Vikings team who had an amazing O-Line and D-Line. But then, vintage Nick "GOAT" Foles came out into full form! He broke through enemy lines, dropping 3 big touchdown bombs in the process, gaining a total of 352 yards for his team in the infamous invasion of what's now known as the "Minneapolis Miracle 2.0" (this one being for the Eagles). Now, let's head to 2 weeks later, after the crappy and very unpopular Pro Bowl, to the Super Bowl! Once again, the Eagles were underdogs, facing Bill "Darth Vader" Belicheck's evil empire, the Patriot empire. There was no way this Eagles team was getting revenge on the Patriots for this game. Tom Brady was this season's MVP, Tom Brady was back to his vintage self again (although he had made the league his BITCH for the last 18 years). However, the new kids on the block managed to slay the empire, pulling off an upsetting 41-33 victory, thus freeing all of the empire's captured haters. Nick Foles, Carson Wentz, and the rest of Philadelphia had done it. All of that happened in Super Bowl LII thanks to one play, the infamous "Philly Special". Tom Brady tried doing this play earlier in the game, but that didn't work out, as he dropped it. However, the GOAT Nick Foles tried it during a 2-point conversion, and it worked. Because of this play, Nick Foles not only threw for 373 yards and 3 touchdowns (1 interception, but that doesn't matter). He also caught 1 touchdown! Sorry Brady, no one cares you threw for 505 yards and 3 touchdowns, you didn't catch the ball for a touchdown and failed to come in clutch, as that huge D in Philadelphia stripped you in the final minute. That makes Nick Foles > Tom Brady. Anyways, Nick fuckin' Foles in the end was announced Super Bowl MVP, and that was well deserved.
THE EAGLES ARE YOUR SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS BABY!
The Eagles and Sportsmanship[edit | edit source]
Year after year, Eagles fans have been showcased by the NFL as the golden standard for un-sportsmanship and overal douchy behavior. And with Good reason! Well known for always aiming away from the eyes of the Redskins fan they're spitting on, giving directions to the nearest hospital to the bloody puddle that was once a Giants fan, cheering in large numbers for a man who tortured and murdered hundreds of dogs and even collecting money for the Cowboys fan who had his intestines ripped out at halftime, Eagles fans are always sure to treat visiting NFL fans with all the respect they deserve. Why? Because Eagles fans act like fucksticks when their team lose. Remedy? Why dont you move? Assholes.
They booed Santa Claus once. Santa Claus! They also threw snowballs at him. (Actually a true story!)
