National Football League
- “To Hell with the Redskins!”
~ Andrew Jackson on His Least Favorite Football Team
- “To Hell with the Redskins!”
The No Fun League is an American football league that has been around since 1920 and are scared to play multiple totally non-scripted games in a week. Since 1967 the champions have played a "Superb Owl" at the end of the season to determine who can beat the crap out of a bird. The most recent bird-beating champion was the Kansas City Fried Chickens who beat the Philly Cheese Steaks.
Each NFL team has a long and glorious history that is so complicated, it can easily be summed up in a short paragraph.
National Football Conference
The "Monsters of the Midway" have probably the longest, and most glorious history of any NFL team, though their recent history has been less impressive since "Monster testing" has been put into effect. Without their precious monsters, the Bears have struggled along to keep up with all the others teams to win just using normal humans. Great players from Chicago's past include Gale Sayers (a wind elemental), Sweetness (a taste elemental), and Dick Butkus (had some interesting hobbies). Chicago used to have the greatest coach in NFL history, Papa Bear Halas, but in the record-striking that followed the "Monster testing", all records defaulted to the top humans, which, while inferior genetically, were probably more impressive coaches ... maybe. Their current quarterback's name is Rex Grossman, who is actually the fragile leg lamp in A Christmas Story. When he breaks, the Bears will have to rely on Kyle Orton, who, despite his grizzly appearance, has been confirmed as a waste of air by NFL defenses.
The Portsmouth Spartans moved to Detroit in the 1930s and changed their name to the Lions, for reasons that should be obvious. This name change helped usher in an era of success for the Lions. The golden era of Lion football peaked in the 1950s, with teams so great they could beat Today's Lions, though the youngest is currently in his seventies and only about a dozen players are still alive. The Lions have the distinction of having the greatest cornerback and running back in NFL history. The cornerback's name was Dick Lane. In 1989 a college criminal at Oklahoma State named Barry Sanders was sentenced to ten years with the Detroit Lions, and despite being one of the greatest running backs of all time, suffered miserably. Recently, the Lions made a deal with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and the organization sent Matt Millen to the Lions.
The Vikings are a violent horde of fearsome Norsemen, which would make one think they would be perfect for the aggressive, war-like game football. However, due their gross lack of understanding of even the most basic concepts of this foreign game, this is not actually the case. Their most promising era was during the late 60s and 70s when they prayed to the great and powerful Odin for victory in battle. In response the mighty Odin sent them the Purple People Eaters who were very efficient in eating their opponents' offenses alive. Their favorite delicacy was quarterbacks. Striking fear into all the challengers the Vikings faced, the Purple People Eaters led the Vikings to four chances at the Superb Owl, but they failed each time. Later, as character problems arose, the Vikings eliminated troublemakers Stefon "Fake Diva" Diggs, Randy "the actual diva" Moss, Adrian Peterson, and Daunte Culpepper. As a celebration for the extermination of the four, the Vikings players celebrated by hosting a Girls Gone Wild party before realizing the only "good" player they had left was Kirk freakin' Cousins. YOU LIKE THAT?
Green Bay Packers
The Green Bay Packers are the NFL's oldest team. They've been around since the beginning. That explains their "genius" name and their "marvelous" colors. The fact that they're from Wisconsin is just a coincidence in this case. Packer history is long and glorious, however, in spite their "incredible" uniforms. Vince Lombardi, the man for whom the Superb Owl trophy is named, led the Packers to glory during the transition into the Superb Owl era. He did this with the on-field leadership of Ray Nitschke, a linebacker who "killed God", according to a local paper. The Golden Boy, Paul Hornung, was the last great running back to wear Reggie Bush's number in the NFL. Bart Starr's spiky haircut and in-your-face attitude led to his name being stolen by Matt Groening, and Max McGee cleared his vision enough to make great plays in the first Superb Owls. The only player worth mentioning in recent history is some redneck named Favre, who can't even spell HIS OWN NAME right. Recent Packers teams have accomplished something no one thought possible, making the Lions look like they can win. If the power to make Matt Millen look smart could somehow be harnessed and redirected to other pursuits, the Packers could soon be unstoppable. With owner Ted Thompson at the helm, the Packers winning a Superb Owl may result in Hell's freezing over. Turns out Thompson is an evil cyborg sent over by the whoremongers in Minnesota.
Like many teams from the 50s, the Washington Redskins were named after those darn Indians, who wouldn't just let us take the land God gave us in all his wisdom. This team was the only one to put them in their place with a name that called them what they were, lousy sub-human squatters. Anyway, the team had the distinction of being the only team from "the South" (as apparently reconstruction was a little behind schedule) for many years, before Dallas applied for a football team. As this was obvious to the Redskins management that having a team actually based in the South that also happened to not have a racist name was a bad deal for "the South's" team, they blocked the move. Dallas's ownership bought the rights to the Redskins' theme song ("Hail to the Redskins") and renamed it "Heil to der Fuhrer" in retaliation. Ever since, the teams have hated each other. But enough about the most bitter rivalry in the NFL, you want to know about the team. One of the greatest teams of the 80s ... John Riggins, Joe Gibbs, Hogs, Joe Theisman (who is NOT a member of the Fantastic Four, despite his amazing Stretch Armstrong performance on Monday Night Football), the Posse ... blah blah blah. Let's talk some more about the racist name. Dan Snyder, the current owner, is trying the patent the word "Redskin" so that no one can use it without paying him $20, but that's partially to stop all the protests in the parking lot before each game. Seriously, this team is based in Washington, DC, and has the most politically incorrect name in sports. How hilarious is that?
EDIT (2/3/2022): Due to the exceptionally liberal politics of DC, the team formerly known as the Redskins will now be renamed as such. Hail to the Коммiзs!
New York Giants
The New York Giants are anything but Giants of the game. Their past few years have been marked by worthlessness, ever since getting their asses beat by Baltimore in the Superb Owl. The team has a few rays of sunshine, namely Tiki Barber. Unfortunately, Tiki Barber will no longer be playing for the Giants. Jeremy Shockey, a deranged former professional wrestler, is probably the best player they have left, even though he was traded to Miami. He currently owns the title for best tattoo after defeating the incumbent, a member of MS 13. Their current quarterback, Peyton Manning's brother, is best known for stealing three Pro Bowlers from the Giants. Another gifted talent on the Giants' roster is Plastic CO. Burress, whose hobbies include spurning the team's off-season workouts and not tackling opponents who have intercepted a pass. He also loves to throw his hands in the air in disgust when his teammates do not achieve at a high enough level.
The Philadelphia Eagles, also known as "the most hated team in sports", has the best luck of any franchise in the NFL. Seriously. They're luckier than the Yankees. And Jesus. I mean, think about it. A kicker whose long FG was 29 yards on the year and was 2/5 on the season hits a 62-yarder while time expires to beat them. Donovan McNabb tears his ACL untouched. Terrell Owens. Randall Cunningham gets injured in 1991, when the Eagles had the best defense in the league, and they miss the playoffs. Rich Kotite. They're blessed. They also have, hands down, the best fans in the NFL. Year after year the Eagles figure out new ways to rip their fans hearts out, and they keep coming back. Some experts think this makes the Eagles fans zombies, but that hasn't been proven as of yet. Once, the Eagles enraged their fans enough to the point where they booed and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs.
The Dallas Cowboys have been around since 1960 and kicking ass since 1965. Since finally winning the NFC Championship game in 1970, the Cowboys have made more Superb Owls than any other team. They also have tied for the most Superb Owl victories with five, only of three over teams who were dealing drugs at the time. The Cowboys had a string of twenty straight playoff appearances, a string that makes one wonder how they managed to choke those eighteen years they didn't win the Superb Owl in that string. Great players from Cowboy past include Roger Staubach (who allegedly was also a Dodger), Troy Aikman (who surprisingly was hurt often), Emmitt Smith (the greatest runner of his era), and Michael Irvin (the greatest coke dealer ever to play professional sport). The current best player on the team is safety Roy Williams, who also plays wide receiver for the Detroit Lions and coaches the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team. No, wait! I meant defensive tackle Melvin Sneedly! Aw, who am I kidding? The best player is Terrell Owens or Tony Romo, by far. The team is owned by Jerry Jones, who allegedly was a fish in a past life, and that's why he hired Bill Parcells. The Cowboys' clubhouse is a popular hangout for cokeheads such as Michael Irvin, Quincy Carter, Hollywood Henderson, Mike Williams and Nate Newton. They are tied with the Oakland Raiders and Cincinnati Bengals for most convictions in NFL history.
When the Atlanta Falcons were an expansion team, they were placed in NFC West and promised the Dallas Cowboys' spot in the NFC East the next time the NFL realigned. 30+ years later, they were finally moved in the NFC South (which was created for them), and the Cowboys STILL got to keep their spot in the NFC East. Until then the Falcons had to stay in the same division as the 49ers, the best team in football during that stretch. Because of this, many Falcons claim that the NFL unfairly favors the Cowboys and hates the Falcons. They're right, of course, but nobody cares, because nobody likes the Falcons. They made the Superb Owl that one year anyway, right? Woo run-and-shoot! Er, wait, that was gone by then. (Freakin' Jamal Anderson ...) They've had many great players over the years. Ok, so maybe they haven't, they DID have a lot of uniform changes, though, and that's almost as good. Ok, so maybe not. Anyway, Deion Sanders! Man, he was awesome before he left, wasn't he? Chris Chandler wasn't bad either until he started finishing every game in the ER. And how about that Michael Vick, huh? Best running back in the NFL. On another note, the term Dirty Birds actually derives from their current team. Vick is flipping them at Mora, Mora is flipping them at Vick, and everyone else is flipping them at the receivers. And Vick. This team sure knows how to win in a dogfight, though ...
This team got the team name of "Panthers" from the name of Michael Jackson's play-mate, Panther. The Panthers are deeply associated with Michael Jackson, because Steve Smith hates him. The Carolina Panthers absolutely hate Steve Smith, because he's a black-boy instead of a white-boy, in which the Panthers like only white boys because Michael Jackson is like milk, but he was once black though. Interesting fact: More Panthers fans have been known to wear Dale Earnhardt gear to games than Carolina Panthers gear.
New Orleans Saints
They say nice guys finish last. From this statement, you can tell the Saints' entire history. Fans are enumerating Superb Owl wins when they refer to the team as "the Ain'ts", although you usually can't understand them with those paper sacks over their heads. Peyton Manning's father played for the Saints, and he didn't win a championship either. In 2005 the Saints lost only once. Unfortunately, it was to Hurricane Katrina and it counted thirteen times. This year's team is doing much better since the Houston Texans gave them Reggie Bush in a deal that was "absolutely not orchestrated by the NFL as the feel-good sports story of the century," according to the NFL. Drew Brees, the Saints' quarterback, insists he did not fake a shoulder injury as part of the conspiracy; he merely wanted out of San Diego.
After the 2011 season coach Sean Payton was convicted of offering players cash bonuses to deliberately injure their opponents. This infraction is punishable by being barred from coaching the Saints which, all things considered, is a swell deal because the Saints suck. The Commissioner dealt with the individual Saints players by fining and suspending them – and then suspending the fine, ruling that the team had tampered with the investigation (an outcome of intense interest to the Goldman Sachs lawyers trying to spring their executives from jail). After losing the entire team to this bounty scandal, the Saints returned to the bottom of the NFL standings, where they belong.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs have had one of the most miserable histories of all NFL teams. When the expansion team began in 1976, disaster struck. The Bucs finished 0–14 and were literally killed by the competition. Half of the players were brutally murdered by the powerful opponents, and the other half committed suicide when forced to look at the team uniforms. The team managed to win a Superb Owl in the 2002 season, and did well until the 2006 season, where their gaining popularity attracted rival pirate clans where they were brutally slaughtered, again. Despite all that, Ronde Barber was brought back from the dead by consuming his brother Tiki's soul, where Ronde managed to win four games by himself. In response to Ronde destroying Tampa Bay's chances of getting the first overall pick in the draft, he was burned at the stake and is now serving time in Hell working as an anchor for the ABC News. The team recently acquired Jeff Garcia based solely on his notoriety of having the biggest forehead in football.
San Francisco 49ers
(Though based in San Francisco, this team surprisingly has nothing to do with the number 69.) The San Francisco 49ers moved from the AAFC to the NFL a very long time ago, and brought their uniforms with them. They didn't change them for forty years after that, and the new ones they picked out looked even worse. But at least they didn't look like the Titans' uniforms. Ugh. Anyway, they had years and years of pathetic almost-goodness, before picking up Bill Walsh from some local college team. He immediately went to work righting the ship, singing O. J. Simpson, a player who would serve as a role model for his young team both on the field and off. He then went to work drafting great players like Joe "Glass Jaw" Montana (who hods the NFL record for broken backs), Dwight "White Guy" Clark (who played receiver though he couldn't jump), Ronnie Lott (who had 24-hour supervision after he removed his own finger), Jerry Rice (who played until he was 50), Steve Young (who wasn't as good as MONTANA, for crying out loud), Charles Haley (who left so he could win more Superb Owls), and Terrell Owens (the greatest team player in NFL history). Walsh won some of them, but his teams played dirty and used cut blocks, so he was eventually run out of town. Then Seifert was brought in, but he was run out because he didn't win as many Superb Owls. The 49ers used a strategy of trading away their best players at the peak of their careers to help make their team better for a longer time. This worked great until Young retired before reaching his prime, which just screwed the whole system up.
Now the team is languishing in patheticness as each of the best players is traded away in their prime. The next scheduled trade is Frank Gore, the 49ers' latest Pro Bowler who somehow still plays even though he's four hundred years old. Quarterback Alex Smith has not helped out the 49ers after his first-pick overall in 2005. However, in 2011, Smith led his team to the Divisional championship. Later, the 49ers traded Smith and played Colin Kaepernick until he decided to do non-football whiney things, trading Kaep to Woodstock so he can enjoy being a hippie there instead. They now play some glass quarterback named Jimmy G, who is next on the trade block before they play
Trey Lance discount Tom Brady Big Cock Brock Purdy. Hey whaddya know, Trey Lance is now on the trade block!
The Seahawks were added in 1976 as an expansion team to the NFC Central, but were later moved to the AFC West, and finally back to the NFC West. This has given them the distinction as the only team to have losing seasons in three different NFL divisions. The Seahawks are also one of only three teams to make the championship games in both conferences, but nobody cares because they've never won it all. What's sad is that they're the best sports franchise Seattle has. Pity. The Seahawks stole the twelfth man from Texas A&M, which is currently under review by the NFL as a possible violation of the "eleven men on the field at any given time, maximum" rule. Because of this, the Seahawks were stripped of the Superb Owl title and it was given to the Pittsburgh Steelers and their kamikazee quarterback. The greatest player in Seahawk history was Steve Largent, who WAS considered the greatest receiver ever until he became a Republican Senator, and no one wanted to admit they thought a Republican was good at anything. Current stars include Shawn Alexander (record-holder for most touchdowns scored while smiling), Lofa Tatupu (current holder for most misspelled name for a 2005 rookie), and Walter Jones (biggest man on campus). Mike Holmgren, their one-time coach, was known for being a Packer, and they actually won a Superb Owl with a midget playing quarterback. Stop laughing!
This is by far the worst team in the NFL (or any other sport). No really. Even Lions fans laugh at them. Arizona is commonly referred to as "the place where careers go to die". In their long history the Cardinals have mustered up only a few legends, such as Dan Dierdorf, Frank Sanders, Emmitt Smith, Edgerrin James, Neil Rackers, and Kurt Warner. Their history can be summed up by the moment when kicker Bill Gramatica tore his ACL celebrating after making a chip shot field goal in a meaningless game. Still, the team gets high attendance due to the halftime entertainment, in which Dennis Green and Leonard Davis battle in an eating competition. When Arizona released Leonard Davis in 2006 and fired Dennis Green, the last known Cardinal fans became extinct. However, on the field the Cardinals are always at the bottom of the league. They are who we thought they were.
Los Angeles Rams
The Los Angeles Rams originally started off as a team from some other league playing in Cleveland. They were pretty mediocre, but the NFL accepted them anyways, except that the owner of the team left the officials, coaching staff, and players back in the other league. So they decided to get new players, but the team sucked until the Cleveland Rams won their first NFL title a long time ago. They decided to move to Los Angeles the year after the Championship for no reason at all, and did pretty okay. At this time, they had a defensive line called the "Fearsome Foursome" (no sexual joke intended) which helped their fanbase in Los Angeles. They went into a slight decline in the 70s, until some dude named Jack Youngblood got the Rams to the Superb Owl by himself only to have his career ended by a broken leg against the Steelers. They had crap seasons in the years following that Superb Owl, so their stupid owner moved them to Anaheim and kept the Los Angeles name, even though Los Angeles is about two hours away from Anaheim. Their seasons there were lackluster, and decided to move to St. Louis for no obvious reason. The Rams got ahold of some Pop Warner player, Kurt Warner, a nobody who took the Rams to the Superb Owl. Though, Warner ended his career a washed up loser (because of his oldness) and played with the Cards. The Rams then stunk while trying to replicate their success with a QB named Sam Glassford and few of their Superb Owl players left (and they were really old), who included Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and some other guys nobody cares about. They then moved back to LA for no reason at all, got to a couple of Super Bowls by trading all their draft picks and young players for some aging but proven veterans, and after running out of gas, are now stuck with a bunch of really old, injured players past their prime again.
American Football Conference
New England Patriots
The New England Patriots were a team that had moderate success in Boston, before moving to New England and getting whooped in the Superb Owl by the Bears. Then they were quickly demoralized and became the worst team in the NFL, so in the early 90s they hired Superb Owl winning coach Bill Parcells, and all was well. They went straight back to the Superb Owl ... and lost again, this time murdered by the Packers. The team fell from grace again, and it wasn't until the New England Patriot Act was passed in 2001, which made it legal for the Patriots to win the Superb Owl by any means necessary (emphasis added). After winning three Superb Owls in four years in ways that made Tom Brady look like Joe Montana, Bill Belicheck look like Vince Lombardi, and Tedy Bruschi look like Dick Butkus, it's turned out they won only by cheating and stealing other teams' signals, and that it had nothing to do with Adam Vinatieri being the second coming of Christ. That was just a coincidence. Oh, by the way, Brady's gone. Have a nice day!
New York Jets
This team is called the Jets because they fly all over the world to see stupid shit. What this means is that they travel all around the world just to tour the world's ugliest bathrooms. They pee in them too. The first stop they did is that after a 2–14 season with the Jets, Herman Edwards was reported to be tossed off the airplane by Chad Pennington after violating his apple pie. Herman Edwards therefore is looking all ugly and ends up in Kansas City, where he takes off by coaching the Kansas City Chiefs, and tells them that you play to win the chicks and the beer and not the game. Also, the word "Chiefs" in Latin is Chefo, meaning "Gay Donkeys". The Jets recently signed former great Joe Namath to a five-year/700-Jack-Daniels contract to play linebacker for them. Eric Mangini asked Namath how he feels about this to which he replied, "I want to kiss you." Mangini declined but ended up getting raped by Namath that night because he took too many Nyquils.
In 2012 the Jets made their biggest mistake by signing Tim Tebow after coach Rex Ryan spent an entire night of drinking vodka mixed with cow excretion. Since that explosive fiasco, the Jets have failed to do anything of value and keep buttfumbling everything.
The Dolphins have had a pretty successful history. In 1972 the team went undefeated, no other NFL team has ever done that before or since. After Dan Marino retired, the Dolphins had trouble at quarterback. A.J. Feeley, Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Joey Harrington, Gus "Head Trauma" Frerotte, Daunte "Love Boat" Culpepper, John Beck, Ryan "Tanning salon" Tannehill, Jay "Don't Care" Cutler, and
Tuna Tua Tagovailoa have all attained legendary goat status in Miami. They were coached by Nick "The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman" Saban until he decided quit without being man enough to tell his players or coaches in person (or at all), then Adam "Coke eyes" Gase took over until overdosing and running off to New Jersey. Oh yeah ... and Ricky Williams decided to quit the team to sell weed, in case you hadn't heard.
This brutality is likely due a combination of their losing forty Superb Owls in a row, and the sacrifice of every Orphan and folding table in the city to Satan in an effort to have a better record next season. Possibly lost all those Superb Owls in a row because of their "If the glove don't fit, you must quit" policy, which held Andre Reed and James Lofton out, because the Bills are too poor to afford gloves that fit. The saddest moment in their history occurred when they lost a Superb Owl via a missed kick by S'got A. Norwoody. Despite all the shit that has happened to this franchise, Bills fans and players somehow remain the most wholesome in the league. Kinda like the Dallas Cowboys North, expecting to win the Superb Owl every year, but goofier and drunker.
Las Vegas Raiders
Known throughout the league as the most brutal team out there. So brutal in fact that by law and Executive Order #6875309 they cannot be broadcasted on radio or television. Owned by a 12143423-year-old man named Al "Dinosaur" Davis. Contrary to popular belief, his "son" is actually Al, who came back from the dead with black fucking magic. Explains that weird-ass haircut. Anyways, he insists on making all the decisions despite being as alive as Pope John Paul II. Silver & Black, signifying their servants' ill-gotten gains, and black, signifying their empty, pitted souls. The Raiders have a tendency of being criminals and drug addicts. In fact, Al Davis makes sure each player has been in jail, and has the smell of at least weed, in order to be signed by the Raiders. If not they are forced to go into Al Davis's office, where he can pull a medieval lever. The Raiders always win games, but only by breaking into the opponents locker room, shooting them, and running before anybody calls the cops.
Los Angeles Chargers
Clippers Chargers were the first professional football team to be named for spending money, though several followed this illustrious trend since. San Diego has been the home to some of the best offensive and defensive players in NFL history, though unfortunately not at the same time, which accounts for their whopping zero NFL championships. They do however have an AFL championship, which they swear is just as good, but the world knows better. In the 60s and 70s Lance Alworth (nicknamed Bambi because his mother was murdered in cold blood by gunmen) was quite possibly the most graceful receiver of all time, before they allowed blacks to play. In the 80s Dan Fouts (often mistaken for Grizzly Adams in public) would throw to Kellen Winslow (a well-named tight end) to try to keep up with the huge leads their defenses would give up. In the 90s the focus changed when the Chargers traded away their entire offense for Junior Seau, who somehow managed to get to the Superb Owl by himself. He was overmatched by the 49ers, however, as they had 22 great players to the Chargers' one.
Modern greats in San Diego include LaDainian Tomlinson (Greatest running back Marty Schottenheimer ever coached, since he doesn't fumble at the goalline in the playoffs like that Byner jerk), Antonio Gates (a basketball great who was signed since San Diego has no basketball team; though San Diego used to be home of the Houston Rockets and Los Angeles Clippers), and Drew Brees ... oh wait, never mind. He was donated to New Orleans for hurricane relief ... Well, at least they've still got a great coach in Marty Schottenheimer. Oh wait ... Now the team is comprised of recent quarterback Philip Rivers and his 53 or so children. Well, at least they're still in San Diego. Woah wha- ... fuck you Spanos!
After some pathetic years, Tim T-Bone finally came to the Broncos, and somehow made them win games. However, John Elway decided he preferred other variations of steak, and sent T-Bone to New York to compete against some Mexican guy. Then, they signed some old guy with a mile-high forehead and people stopped caring, even though he won a Superb Owl for them. Since "Fivehead" Peyton Manning retired, the Broncos have reared Trevor Siemian, Drew Lock, Brock Osweiler, Chewbacca, and whoever they can find over 6'6" to try and replace Manning as their lead racehorse to very ... interesting results. They have since signed 3'6" quarterback Russell Wilson. Hey, maybe doing the opposite will actually work!
Kansas City Chiefs
Led by Larry Johnson, they sucked back in '06 but somehow still managed to make it to the playoffs after a series of bribes and threats to get the correct circumstances to let them in. They were once coached by the finest chef in the entire NFL, Herman Edwards. Jan Wimmer of Pasadena, California is the team's biggest fan of all time. They are now led by starting quarterback Patrick Mahomes and a literal walrus at coach, and very well may be the next New England Patriots.
Used to be the Baltimore Colts but decided to convert after they found out Sammy Sosa was coming to the Orioles. They moved to the Midwest so Baltimore wouldn't be able to find out where they went; fortunately for them, Baltimore is basically a crackhouse, so no one noticed until Art Modell came for a visit. Anyway, they drafted Peyton Manning, who is the greatest choker since Dan Marino, sporting a career .300 average in the playoffs (this isn't baseball, Manning), which is better than the rest of his family's combined record of 0–1. They then traded Manning away because his forehead couldn't fit in the new domed stadium they built, so they drafted Andrew Luck and got seven years out of him before he spontaneously asploded.
The Jacksonville Jaguars are the most historic team in the NFL. They trace all the way back to last millennium, in the days of Eddie Bauer and boy bands, all the way back to 1996. The NFL decided it wanted a couple more teams, so they played "Pin the Tail on the Map of US" in order to pick where the Jaguars would play. Originally, the idiot who played pin the tail picked the Atlantic ocean, so they quickly moved it to the largest city on Earth, Jacksonville. The NFL picked guys off the street, gave them steroids, and let them play in the NFL. Within a year, they became a competitive team and could actually beat some teams. Then, Fred Taylor got an injury called "Get injured every year, ruining your team-itis" and Mark Brunell ran away and hid in the state capital. Soon after, the Jaguars were back to mediocrity, until a savior arrived: Byron Leftwich. But all he did was be extremely slow for a black guy and get knee injuries. Along came Maurice Jones-Drew-Smith-Johnson-Jackson-Hicks-Adams, who ran very well, but had too long of a name in order to have a jersey. No, he's not Hispanic you freaking racist.
Ever since some mustached guy named Khan bought them, he turned the stadium into a swimming pool. Now the team thinks they're playing water polo instead of football, and as a result they've been getting their asses kicked for the last decade due to practicing the wrong sport.
This team sucks at life. It's due to the fact that they gave up their #1 overall draft choice in 2006 only because Michael Jackson offered to rape Texas, and they accepted the offer. It was probably the biggest shit the entire National Football League has ever seen. The Texans are in love with rapists such as Bill O'Brien, who traded away the best receiver in the league and every first-round pick for the next hundred years for a porterhouse steak, a book of expired Burger King coupons and a seventh-round ball boy, screwing the team over for the next millennium. And it later turned out their all-star quarterback Deshaun Watson might actually be a real rapist. Hoo boy ...
Oh and by the way, they keep drafting defensive linemen with whatever picks they have left like Mario Williams, J.J. Watt, and Jadaveon Clowney because they're all fat and because no Running Back could get past a fatass who takes up the whole field. This is the reason they call too many Offside Penalties on the Texans. Fatasses.
The team was originally founded as a member of the AFL as the Houston Oilers, named after the oil field workers who were hired to make a team. Early Oilers history was great, because they were dominant in the early sixties, only because all teams sucked in the AFL back then. The team had its glory days in the seventies, when they hired a bum named "Philips" as their head coach. They had some good players, such as Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, who danced with a funky chicken in the end zone, Earl Campbell, who headbutted players for no reason, and Warren Moon, who used a rifle to fire the ball, but NFL officials blindly thought he was throwing it. The team suffered after trading Moon, so the owner of the Oilers, Bud Adams, started to act like a little bitch, and moved the team to Tennessee. They became the Tennessee Titans, and had good players like Eddie George, Steve McNair, Keith Bulluck and Pac Man, and suffered poorly after losing to the Rams in the Superb Owl by one yard. They have made some turns Mercury though, and good players today include a literal Titan in Derrick Henry, some no-name defensive players, and AJ Brown.. oh shoot, he's gone, shipped off to Always Sunny land and replaced with discount AJ Brown. Bummer. Well, Derrick Henry literally carries the team on his back now. As well as Mike Vrabel, a coach so ballsy he didn't even need his physical balls. Purportedly.
The Butt Pirates were founded by Art Rooney in 1933. Rooney changed the name to the Pittsburgh Stealers as a warning to fellow rich people that their servants were pilfering behind their backs. Later renamed the Steelers, the team was the laughingstock of the NFL until 1972, when the Steelers won their first ever playoff game. In a play known as "The Immaculate Reception" the Virgin Mary appeared before the Raiders' secondary and gave running back Franco Harris (an agnostic) enough time to run the winning touchdown into the end zone. The team would win four Superb Owls in six years due to flagrant cheating and bribed referees (it is a Class A felony to suggest anything else in Dallas), but fell into a funk in the 1980s. Under coach Bill Cowher, the team returned to prominence in the 1990s and went to six AFC Championship Games in twelve years. The Steelers, who place a strong emphasis on charity, generously gave the championship away in five of those years before winning Superb Owl XL in 2006, skillfully manipulating officials into making Seahawks receivers drop passes and coach Mike Holmgren screw up clock management. The organization is also noted for accepting the mentally challenged onto their rosters, notably Sean Salisbury, Merrill Hoge, Ben Roethlisberger, and Antonio "Mr. Big Chest"
This team was named for several reasons. The original word of "Browns" meant "Poops", so this team is named "Browns" because it came from poop, in which it's brown. So the team should've been named the "Cleveland Poops", but it got named Browns for a variety of reasons. The team was named Browns also because the team only allows brown-skinned people on the team, which are "black people" in other words. This team kills any free agents in the market who are "white", because the team allows only black, or brown, people on the team. This team is also considered to be racist, so you can probably expect in the future that Michael Jackson will be murdered by a Browns player one day.
Cincinnati Johnsons (Bengals)
This team has more johnsons in it than a Yu-Gi-Oh fanclub meeting. One time in the playoffs, Carson Johnson got a boo boo because Kimo van Oelhoffen fell on his johnson. The next play, John Johnson came in and threw a touchdown pass to Chad Johnson. With number 2 receiver T.J. Johnsonzadeh, and running back Rudi Johnson; the Cincinnati Johnsons had an unstoppable (and by unstoppable we mean easily stopped) offense. Chad Johnson is the most entertain mother spelunker is the league. If there was a race between a cheetah, a racecar, a cheese puff, and Puff Daddy ... Chad Johnson would win, unless Willie Parker was present. They say every time Carson Johnson scores a touchdown Ben Roflisberger scores with 387 of the most beautiful women in the world. (an angel also gets their wings too.) They are known to be unarguably the best team in football history, winning a total of zero Superb Owls. They considered sending them against Germany in WWII but said it was too unfair because of the sheer power of Rudi Johnson's stiff Johnson. It once ripped a hole in the space time continuum but was later repaired by the Doctor from the hit show Dr. Who. The team currently holds the NFL record for most players arrested in one season with 6756.
The Ravens officially started play in 1996 when Art Modell bitch-slapped Cleveland Browns fans and moved the team to Baltimore. The Ravens sucked in the organization's first few years due to the Vinny Testaverde Curse. However, things changed in 1999 when Baltimore hired FCC's bitch Brian Billick. This hiring impressed Satan, and in 2000 he agreed to a one year deal with the Ravens in exchange for a murderer and a crack dealer. The results were wonderful for the Ravens as they won Superb Owl XXXV over New York, thanks in part to Giants legend Kerry Collins. However, Ray Lewis's statements about being 'God's linebacker' angered Satan as he refused to sign an extension, later joining the Patriots. The departure hurt the Ravens for many years, and Satan's punishment of Kyle Boller sent the Ravens offense to its lowest level yet. But help arrived in 2006 as the Ravens acquired Steve McNair, the first grandparent in NFL history, and the Ravens went 1–13. Mewtwo forced the Ravens to release Matt Stover, their kicker, in 2002 or 2003. Four years later, Stover was still on the team. Mewtwo then called the Ravens and requested that Ray Lewis AND Matt Stover be released immediately. Stover was released and was replaced by Billy Cundiff. He is the most hated person in Baltimore history after missing a three-yard field goal that would have sent the Ravens to the Superb Owl.
People: Josh Allen - Drew Bledsoe - Tom Brady - Jay Cutler - Al Davis - John Elway - Quarterback - Brett Favre - Rex Grossman - Colin Kaepernick - Jim Kelly - John Madden - Peyton Manning - Patrick Mahomes - Matt Millen - Randy Moss - Joe Namath - Scott Norwood - Kyle Orton - Terrell Owens - Adrian Peterson - Karen Rodgers - Tony Romo - O.J. Simpson - Daniel Snyder - Brian Urlacher - Deshaun Watson
Organizations: American football - Anti-Football - Canadian Football League - National Football League - Football - Futbol
Society: Gridiron football - Marching band - Patriot Act (football) - The Super Bowl