Matt Millen
“What a genius!”
“No! He's such a goddamn genius! The Lions compiled an AMAZING 0-16 record in 2008!”
Matthew George "Fire" Millen (born March 12, 1958) is an American former National Football League linebacker, and renowned sports genius who realized the Lions should draft a Wide Receiver every year.
The Early Years[edit | edit source]
Ever since any could remember, little Matt Millen had wanted to become a president of a football team. Despite receiving extremely poor grades in school, no one doubted Matt, except his parents, who wanted him to continue the tradition of subsistence farming. Matt soon grew into a deft fantasy football team manager, easily beating his senile grandpa by massive amounts in their league in high school. He went on to graduate in the top 75 percent of his community college with a business degree. This was quite shocking due to the fact that Millen suffers from an extremely low IQ. No one seems to remember who interviewed or gave Millen his low level starting job as the scout for the Detroit Lions. Detroit had been the dumps of the NFL for many years, all the while Millen was rising in position. By the time Detroit consistently sucked every year, Millen was the director of scouting. After a mob of angry Detroitians essentially ran the previous General Manager out of town, Millen was offered the job.
Revolutionary Success[edit | edit source]
In Millen's first few years as GM of the Lions, he stunned the NFL world by figuring out a problem that the rest of the NFL had. He drafted the perfect draft every year. Millen had now achieved what would be known as Millen's Theorem, which can be seen below
While this formula may seem irrational to the casual fan, observe Millen's astounding success using it
- Drafts Roy Williams, WR. Williams tells media he doesn't care about the score of games.
- Drafts Charles Rogers, WR. Got milk? This guy needed it.
- Drafts Mike Williams, WR. Williams drops nearly half the passes he is thrown to, unless of course the pass is a cheeseburger.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
Millen's perfect drafts were so appreciated by the Lion's fans that they pay him homage by wearing bags over their heads, so as not to impose upon his presence. This is considered a yearly tradition now in Detroit. As the Lions have now achieved epic win totals, winning four, sometimes five, games a season, the Detroit fans have taken it upon themselves to wear the opposing teams jerseys to home games, as to add to the challenge for the Lions, and give the other team at least a minuscule chance at victory.
Present Day[edit | edit source]
Millen's whereabouts are currently unknown as fans attempt to show their appreciation to him whenever they see him. Witnesses have stated that the last time Millen went out in public, as man hugged him so tight Millen nearly suffocated. The fan was alleged to have given him the traditional two hands around the neck hug, a common occurrence in Detroit, and something that nearly all of the Lions fans would like to show there support to Millen with. Also, in the last draft when Millen drafted fine young wide receiver Calvin Johnson out of Georgia Tech, Johnson immediately became so excited to have an opportunity to become another successful young Lion receiver like Charles Rogers or Mike Williams he pitched himself out of a three story window. On an even brighter note for Millen, he was awarded a contract extension as initiative to win six games, a feat not done by any football team short of the great Mike Ditka's famed 1982 Chicago Bears. Somehow Millen found his way to NBC's somewhat popular Sunday night pro football show "Football Night In America", along with Bob Costas, Jerome Bettis and Keith "Screw Bill O'Reilly in the Ass" Olbermann. He Has Also joined Al Davis as a partner in making a new football league that only has fast wide receivers.
