Joe Burrow
“The dude is all football”
“If you die without any scars, then you never did anything worth fighting for”
“He's practically my polar opposite”
“Stuff like that happens all the time”
 Macaulay Culkin at quarterback | |
| No. 9 – Cincinnati Bengals | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Quarterback, Cyborg |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | Classified |
| Weight: | Unhuman |
| Career information | |
| College: | LSU |
| NFL Draft: | 2020 / Round: 1 / Pick: 1 |
| Career history | |
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| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| Pro Bowls: | Only one..? Probably because he's been injured so fucking much... |
| TD: | Not that many |
| INT: | Also not that many |
| Cyborg abilities: | Rocket throw (up to 2 light years throwing distance) |
| "Fuck it, Ja'Marr down there somewhere": | Over 70% of Joe Burrow's career completions were to Ja'Marr Chase. |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
Joseph Lee "Shiesty" Burrow is an American superhuman, replicant, and quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals of the National Football League. Burrow has been in the league for 4 seasons, and hasn't won a single Super Bowl due the referees "doing their jobs" and the Bengals offensive line "protecting" Burrow. People who say Joe Burrow just got "lucky" to go to Super Bowl LVI will be forcefully taken to a maximum security prison in Sweden and trapped in solitary confinement with thick titanium walls to hinder their futile attempts to escape. I mean... what? Who the hell said that? Anyways, the reason Joe Burrow has badass nicknames like 'Joe Shiesty', 'Joey Franchise', and 'Joe Brrr' is because he is a fucking superhuman. I mean, look at this man, you may have only seen him throw about a distance of about 60 yards, but he has the capability to throw a distance that's equal to the diameter of our solar system because he has a fucking cannon of an arm. You may be wondering, "Well, if he's so talented, then how has he not won a Super Bowl?". Well, that brings me to the Bengals offensive line. Since the dawn of the Cincinnati Bengals, the offensive line has been known to do literally nothing. That's right. Instead of protecting their own fucking quarterback, they daydream about McDonald's. It's been scientifically proven that 96% of offensive lineman spend half of their entire lives daydreaming about fast food. I'm not saying all Bengals offensive lineman are bad, as the team has had some weapons on their offensive line in the past such as Anthony Munoz, Dave Lapham, and Joe Walter. I'm just saying that their current offensive line has been the thing holding Joe Burrow and the Bengals back from winning a Super Bowl. Enough about the Bengals o-line, this is about Joe.
Background[edit | edit source]
Joe Burrow was born in a lab in 4,500 B.C.E 1996 in Iowa after being genetically engineered by time-travelling scientists at the S.Q.D.A (Superhuman Quarterback Developing Association). This organization has developed many superheroes in the past such as Josh Allen and Tua Tagovailoa (hence why all of these quarterbacks have the capability to damage Earth's magnetic field with their throws), however, the most talented of all of these quarterbacks developed by the S.Q.D.A is Burrow. While Josh Allen and Tua Tagovailoa have the capability to turn footballs into nuclear weapons with their throws,[1] Burrow can manipulate space and time with his talent. In addition to this, Joe Burrow's talent dates back to early 2,000 B.C.E, when Joe Burrow accidently caused the collapse of the Akkadian Empire in Mesopotamia. While practicing football outside with his friend Tua Tagovailoa, Burrow's artificial arm lagged and caused him to accidentally throw the ball a distance of 6,400 miles from his shitty hometown in America to the Akkadian Empire. Due to the speed of it, the football took on properties of a small asteroid, and impacted the Euphrates River, causing a drought in the Akkadian Empire. This drought led to civil unrest, and slowly led to the demise of the Akkadian Empire. uhhh.. what? Who the fuck keeps typing this shit? As I was saying, Joe Burrow's athletic lineage dates back to the 1940s, where Burrow's paternal grandma broke a fucking Mississippi state high school basketball record, scoring 82 points in one game. Burrow's paternal grandpa also played basketball alongside his grandma. After causing the collapse of a few different nations his time playing football at Athens High School, Burrow enrolled at The Ohio State University, but later left for Louisiana State University after shitty quarterbacks Dwayne Haskins and J.T. Barrett took his starting job. Since Joe Burrow wanted to actually play instead of being a second stringer behind quarterbacks worse than him, he went to LSU, where he went on his villain arc.
Joe Burrow's College Villain Arc[edit | edit source]
Joe Burrow's villain arc started around 2,000 B.C.E, when he destroyed multiple civilizations in the span of a few years. After thousands of years of destroying civilizations that no one really cared about, Burrow destroyed the Roman Empire in 476 AD by spreading propaganda that the Roman government was corrupt, leading to slow death of the empire. After this, Joe Burrow attempted to end many other tiny civilizations that nobody noticed, but failed. In the year 1277 AD, Burrow's artificial arm lagged again causing the football he was throwing to travel from Iowa to the Xingqing Prefecture in the Mongol Empire. This football travelled to where Mongol Empire ruler Genghis Khan was, and hit him directly in the face. This caused Khan's death, and shortly after led to the fall of the Mongol Empire.
After this, the time travelers that made Joe Burrow fixed his artificial arm with new and improved technology, limiting Joe Burrow's throwing distance from 400 light years to about 2 light years, which is still a hell of a distance....what? I'm genuinely getting angry because of this bitch that keeps putting classified information fantasy shit in this professional article. Anyways, Joe Burrow's villain arc began at LSU, along with genetically engineered superheroes Ja'Marr Chase and Justin Jefferson, who are practically the same people. With these two stud wide receivers, Joe Burrow brought LSU a College Football National Championship win, and also almost destroyed the stadium due to the shear force of his throws. During the Fiesta Bowl in 2019, Joe Burrow was viciously and tauntingly hit by professional loser Nate Evans (who went on to pursue an unsuccessful football career). This hit caused Joe's bio-engineered system to malfunction, causing an already superhuman of a quarterback to become even better at throwing. He then went on to win 15 straight games with LSU and absolutely buttfuck the Clemson Tigers in the national championship 42-25....the fuck? Whoever keeps censoring this classified information my hard work is a massive fucking loser. As I was saying, in his final season with LSU, Joe Burrow led the team to a perfect season and the team's third national championship win of the 21st century.
Pro Career[edit | edit source]
The Beginning of an Era[edit | edit source]
During the 2020 NFL draft, Joe Burrow was selected as the #1 overall pick by the crumbling Cincinnati Bengals team. The Bengals were originally going to pick Justin Herbert, until Joe Burrow forcefully barged into the residence of Bengals front office executive Mike Brown, and forced Brown to select him as the #1 overall pick... You weren't supposed to see that. We're going to have to imprison you now. uhh...wha... I mean, Burrow just convinced them to select him in the draft. Anyways, after being selected by the Bengals, it was clear that Joe Burrow would become a literal fucking beast of a quarterback over the course of a few years. He also had an amazing rookie year, but who really cares about stats? Anyways, Joe Burrow continued to make a fool out of quarterbacks that some losers would probably call better than him, such as Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, and Justin Herbert in addition Joe Burrow being a generational quarterback, his cyborg college friend Ja'Marr Chase (the wide receiver he played with in LSU) got drafted by the Bengals a year after Burrow was drafted. Just a year after this incident, Burrow led the Bengals to a 10-7 season, and made the... Super Bowl? As the fourth seeded team? 10-7? Wow, what a player. Anyways, they lost the Super Bowl 20-23 to the Los Angeles Rams led by Elon Musk at quarterback. However, there is one thing and one thing only to blame for this. The offensive line.
Injury After Injury[edit | edit source]
Due to Bengals executives refusing to draft an offensive lineman, Joe Burrow has been seriously injured throughout each season of his pro career. Even after all of these injuries, such as broken bones and torn ligaments, Burrow is still in the league, continues to vigourosly play through injures. This also means that Burrow is actually not a real human, not even genetically engineered. He is a cyborg. Top secret spy agents at the C.I.A have found that Joe Burrow is an emotionless robot that is also invincible and can play through anything no matter what...what the hell? I mean- he is just really resilient, he's just a chad.
Burrow's Adaptation to Antarctica[edit | edit source]
In hopes to stop getting injured so fucking frequently, Joe Burrow alongside Tua Tagovailoa traveled to Antarctica on February 13, 2024, to become one with the cold. Presumably, Burrow and Tua got a plane from Miami, Florida to Hitler's Residence, where they took a military-class submarine to the coast of Antarctica to meditate in freezing cold water. Despite both being cyborgs, Burrow and Tua faced a challenge with meditating in 10°C water. Eventually, Burrow become one with the ice, but Tua ended up leaving and not becoming one with the ice (hence why he sold in the freezing cold Chiefs vs Dolphins wild card game in the playoffs and lost 26-7)...what the hell? Whoever keeps leaking this top secret CIA information censoring this stuff is a loser. Anyways, Burrow did some cool shit (but Tua didn't) allowing him to alter his body temperature on command. Joe burrow then supposedly altered his body temperature to -84.6 degrees Celsius, becoming the coldest quarterback in the league and finding his Zen with the ice.
Humiliation of Patrick Mahomes[edit | edit source]
In addition to being the coldest quarterback in the NFL, Joe Burrow has humiliated one of the best quarterbacks in the league, Kermit the Frog.. What? that's not right... I meant Patrick Mahomes. As of the time this writing, Joe Burrow has a perfect 3-0 record against Patrick Mahomes, including winning against Mahomes three times in the 2021-22 season, including winning in the AFC Championship Game.
Note: Following this writing, Burrow blew out his ACL again and a thumb ligament, allowing Mahomes to finally beat the Bengals. Bummer.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Joe Burrow enjoys playing Super Smash Bros. on away game flights. What a chad. He also has an AI girlfriend named Joi. What a.. I'm not sure anymore. He also has zero emotions. What a robot.
The one inkling of emotion Burrow did get was to be tired of looking like the kid from Home Alone. So he grew out his hair, only to look like Anakin Skywalker instead, then got tired of it and bleached it, gaining a Pete Davidson look.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Allen being the inconsistent Tsar Bomba to Tua's tactical mini-nuke, both pretty darn effective in their own ways!
