UnNews:Kevin McCallister, now NFL player Joe Burrow, finally robbed

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Marv and Harry also could have put two-and-two together and identified the grown-up Kevin McAllister.

CINCINNATI, OHIO -- It took several years and an identity change, but after the Cincinnati police department investigated a recent home robbery, it appears that Marv and Harry finally got Kevin McCallister's belongings. They also got him when he wasn't home.

McCallister, now going under the alias of Joe Burrow and having become a successful NFL quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals, came back from a game in Dallas, full of high spirits after finally getting Cincinnati back in the win column against the lowly Dallas Cowboys, only to find that his house had been broken into. His girlfriend was home alone at his house but decided to go for a run. When she came back, she noticed the door knocked down and two balding crooks carrying sacks full of Burrow's personal items, which fortunately did not include a Lombardi Trophy, over their shoulders. The cackling crooks jumped into a creepy white van parked in front of Burrow's mansion before speeding away.

Unfortunately for Burrow this year, the football field has not been the only place with a subpar defense. "Dammit! Why did I agree to have some chick I barely started dating guard my house? She let those two jabronis Marv and Harry track me down and rob me after all these years!" lamented Burrow. "I should have put more booby traps in my house! In fact, maybe having our defensive secondary guard my house would have been more useful than having them on the field today! I mean, they almost let Cooper fucking Rush beat us."

"As a matter of fact, maybe we should implement booby traps such as slippery icy floors, bricks, mouse traps, and anvils into our own defense! That way we can stop blowing leads and losing even though WE'VE BEEN SCORING ON AVERAGE 40 POINTS A GAME! You can't win if they keep scoring 50 against our defense. And apparently, my home defense let me down too."

Sources

• "Task force investigating break-in at Bengals star Joe Burrow's house" WLWT5 Cincinnati, December 11, 2024
• "Macaulay Culkin Sports an Uncanny Resemblance to His NFL Lookalike Joe Burrow for Halloween Costume: 'Game On'" People Mag, November 1, 2024