Macaulay Culkin
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|---|---|
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| Born |
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| Occupation | Child actor, victim of kiddie-kissing, singer, songwriter, psychopath |
| Years active | 1985–1994, 1998–present |
| Spouse(s) | Michael Jackson (1990–1992), Rachel Miner (1998–2002) |
| Children | 3 |
“Oh, god no! A Culkin!”
“Macaulay Culkin is my lover”
Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin, also known by his criminal alias Kevin McCallister, is an American actor, singer, and songwriter who since the 1980s, has been acting. However, for a short while, be had a short crime spree where he beat up two burglars, but no one cares about that. Nowadays, he reminisces about his short stint with Michael Jackson, who gave him several Hot Cosbies while he was a minor and has even created his own parody website.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early life[edit | edit source]
Macaulay Culkin was born on August 1980 somewhere in New York City. Despite being born in Manhattan, Culkin had already prepared for his acting career, showing incredible one-dimensionality when expressing emotions and being soulless enough to obey any commands. This led to him getting a career in Broadway, when he was just four years old. It was during this time when Culkin met Michael Jackson, who had recently published Thriller. Michael would contact Culkin's parents, convincing them to make Culkin successful as long as Michael could give him several Hot Cosbies in his estate Neverland.
This plan was successful, and by 1990, Macaulay had been hired by 20th Century Fox to star in Home Alone, a snuff film where a 8-year old voodoo master effectively assaults two burglars a comical amount of times, not letting them die for his own sick amusement. Soon after, Culkin was hired by Michael to be a secondary star of Black or White, choosing Culkin as he was the whitest person he found.[1] After that, he was involved in a weird plot by Hollywood executives to get kid to read, which no one cared about, and Richie Rich, a biopic detailing how lonely Culkin really was.[2]
Late acting career and drug abuse[edit | edit source]
When he realized that what he done in the 90s was bad, he realized he could still earn lots of money by cameos. In 2000, Culkin starred in Madame Melville, a shitty British play set in Paris during the Sixties. He also starred in 9-11: The Movie, playing Osama bin Laden[3] and a random civillian. However, all this was derailed surprisingly quickly during 2004 when Britney Spears gave him several ounces of Marijuana, stating that it made her sing like Shakira. He was swiftly arrested for a while before leaving. However, now no one wanted to hire him as an actor.
Present day[edit | edit source]
Since 2010, Culkin has only been able to star in YouTube videos and other things in the World Wide Web, a significant downfall compared to other actors during that time. At the peak of his acting drought, he had to appear in an AVGN episode in 2015, showing how low he had sank. However, recently, Hollywood now cares about him. This began in 2020, when Culkin tweeted out that he was 40 years old. This triggered a feral desire by Hollywood to stick him in as many cameos as possible until he dies, causing him to star in many shows. As payment, he was given a cool star sticker, which was plastered on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2023.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Excluding Michael himself, or course.
- ↑ When Culkin found out that it was released publicly, he went mental, not acting at all until the 2000s.
- ↑ This was due to Culkin's soullessness, which Michael Bay thought would make Osama more human.