Patrick Mahomes

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Patrick Mahomes
refer to caption
This frog-cyborg is better than your quarterback at football, but that's not our problem
No. 15 – Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback, ketchup guzzler
Personal information
  • (1995-09-17) September 17, 1995 (age 27)
  • A field in the middle of Texas
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 225 lbs, 2000 lbs when suited up in armor
Career information
College: Texas Tech
NFL Draft: 2017 / Round: 1 / Pick: 13
Career history
Career highlights and awards

NFL records

  • Most unfairly hated dude in the NFL
  • Most Kermit-sounding dude in the league
Career NFL statistics
Pro Bowls: All of them
TD: A lot. I mean, a LOT
Blessings in life:
Bullshit side-arm no-look passes that ESPN won't shut up about:
Player stats at

SPARTAN-Patrick Lavon Mahomes-002, nicknamed "Kermit" is an American football dude currently serving as the Master Chief, ketchup connoisseur, and currently the wackiest-sounding dude in the NFL, if not this side of the planet. Well, none of that matters if you happen to be most talented quarterback in the league, right? Patty Mahomes can do anything he wants as long as he keeps winning, such as eat all his steaks with ketchup, date and marry the most annoying chick in the galaxy, let his bro become the most annoying TikToker in the galaxy, and... I guess, talk like Kermit the Frog. Oh, and... he's the most talented quarterback in the league? Forgot about that. And otherwise, a nice, wholesome dude to top it off, not like that Aaron Rodgers dude.

But seriously though, all the drama with his wife, brother, and ketchup keeps coming to the forefront, even though Mahomes is pretty damn good at football and a Super Bowl winner, and is so naive he doesn't even know what's going on. He is also blissfully unaware that he has now reached Tom Brady levels of hate in Denver, Oakland Las Vegas, San Diego,[1] Buffalo, and Cincinnati just for constantly kicking their asses. How does that happen?

Early life[edit | edit source]

The son of baseball player SPARTAN-Pat Mahomes-001 and his wife Randi, Patty Mahomes Jr. was the most naive kid you would find around the block. He wanted to be the best fry cook there was, taking inspiration from watching Spongebob and Sesame Street religiously. One day, young Patrick bumped into ONI agent Elizabeth "Catherine Halsey" Holmes, a successful doctor who promised to enlist Patrick into a program that would enhance his physical abilities.

Holmes' experiments on young Patrick wound up being somewhat more ominous, however. After discovering that Kermit the Frog was Patrick's favorite Muppet, she kidnapped the little green dude, put him through a food processor, and implanted his goopy form into Patrick's brain. The results of that experiment, in addition to horrifying augmentations, has turned Mahomes into a superpowered killing machine with frog DNA and Kermit's soul occasionally overtaking his body.

And no, I'm totally not Tom Brady being a whiney bitch and going through his midlife crisis as Giselle is now planning to divorce me, as Mahomes, Josh Allen and Joe Burrow are totally genetically engineered super-soldiers who are gonna overtake my unattainable 7 Super Bowl wins! NO! I need to call them out! I can't let these young guns with 100% more physical abilities than me touch my record! I NEED TO WIN MY 8TH SUPERB OWL AND MY 9TH AND 10TH and, and... *sobs like a whiney bitch*

Alright, now that Giselle has taken care of Tommy boy and dragged him home, let's move on, dude.

Football career[edit | edit source]

Mahomes went to college at Texas Tech, thinking he'd have to get a college degree to become what he had always wanted to become: a fry cook. Texas Tech also happened to offer him a football scholarship to pay for it, which was supposed to go to Baker Mayfield instead, but because Mayfield was such a whiney baby, they gave the scholarship and the starting QB job to Mahomes, causing Mayfield to whine even more and transfer to Oklahoma. Seriously, Mahomes still has no idea about this, dude.

After his junior year, Ma-homeboy applied to get an internship for what he believed was an NFT hub, but it turned out he actually declared for the NFL draft. By accident. When the Kansas City Chiefs selected Mahomes, he was overjoyed as he thought he was hired by KFC at first but was slightly disappointed upon learning he would instead continue his career playing football. Not for long though! Mahomes turned out to be pretty darn good, kicking out Alex "Captain Checkdown" Smith and winning a couple of Super Bowls with the Chiefs and a lifetime supply of hamburgers and fried chicken for head coach Andy Reid.

Seriously... how the fuck does Mahomes keep getting away with all those off-kilter, weird-angled sidearm no-look throws while waddling around the field like a toddler on steroids and Four Loko? And ... HOW did he still do all that with his legs broken? Maybe he's actually he's actually a frog mutant and Tom Brady's not just being a whiney bitch. Add that with a rocket arm that might be as strong, if not stronger than Josh Allen and you got yourself the luckiest dude in the league or rather, the most talented.

Family career[edit | edit source]

Mahomes' second job, dealing with his brother and wife and making sure they don't cheat run their mouths more than current levels or wind up in jai- oh wait..

Outside of football and making commercials for State Farm along with Aaron Chuckles Rodgers, Mahomes has his wife Brittany and his brother Jackson, of which dealing with them is practically a second full-time job. He also has to deal with constantly being hit on by Cris Collinsworth, who unceasingly blabbers about how much he wants to gargle Patrick's junk every week on Sunday Night Football, even if the Chiefs aren't on that week. That's just weird, dude.

With Patrick II being as wholesome as he is, all the narcissism and dumbassery in the Mahomes family went into Jackson. Along with all the other negative traits. Maybe Jackson is being a complete dumbass to take out his anger at not being a pro athlete like Patrick.

According to Patrick, it's all cool though.

See also[edit | edit source]


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Patrick Mahomes.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. No one in Los Angeles actually cares about the Chargers