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TikTok: America's favorite clock app.

TikTok is an app for sharing short videos of ticking clocks. It has become one of the most popular apps of all time and has been credited with improving Generation Z's ability to read analog clocks.

History[edit | edit source]

A typical scene of the demise of a Musical.ly™ CEO.

TikTok came to be in 2016 when billionaire playboy Tikolas Tokrane announced his desire to build an app "like Vine, but worse." Tokrane formed a company called ButtDance and released an app called Doujin™ in China. Doujin™ was downloaded by between 0 and 0.5 users.

Doujin™ gained popularity in the United States when ButtDance™ bought the app known as Musical.ly™ (famous for videos of users dancing outside their own moving car) after its owners all mysteriously perished in automobile accidents. Musical.ly™ became known as TikTok™ - not as a play on Tikolas Tokrane's name, as is commonly assumed, but instead as a reference to the song of the same name by Kesha, who has in turn sued ButtDance™ for copyright infringement.

TikTok's popularity increased dramatically during the COVID-19 pandemic. Users struggling with their mental health due to the pandemic sought refuge on the app, leading them to struggle even more.

Trends[edit | edit source]

Kittens, a common component of "Girl Dinner."

TikTok's popularity has facilitated the viral spread of bizarre trends, including:

  • Girl Dinner: Users posted videos of lackluster "meals" consisting of random, unhealthy snacks such as chips, cookies, sand, rust, feces, uranium, the Andromeda Galaxy, Jerry Seinfeld, and misogyny.
  • Girl DNR: Users posted videos of themselves adding a "Do Not Resuscitate" (DNR) request to their IDs. EMTs then posted videos of these individuals dying on the pavement.
  • BookTok: Users posted videos reviewing books they enjoyed, influencing the literary market by making certain unlikely titles into bestsellers, such as Anal Prolapse: An American Girl Adventure and Shit Fetishes for Dummies.
  • HookTok: Fish posted videos reviewing hooks and bait that they swallowed.
  • Euphemisms to avoid TikTok censorship, such as "unalive" instead of "dead," "self care" instead of "masturbation," and "BookTok" instead of "advertising."

Controversies[edit | edit source]

TikTok's clock videos teach users how to read analog clocks.

One dark chapter in TikTok's history began when, after an update, the app's description was accidentally changed to read "cock videos" instead of "clock videos." Needless to say, millions of users were left scarred for life after viewing the resulting uploads, while tens of millions were left insatiably horny. A similar incident occurred when the app's name was accidentally changed to "ThiccTok," leading to an influx of videos of buttocks and breasts. Society has yet to recover from the debilitating wave of arousal that swept throughout the population as a result.

The United States government accused TikTok of being Chinese spyware, and subsequently attempted to ban the app. This plan became unnecessary when a high-stakes covert investigation led by Hunter Biden revealed that TikTok was in fact Slovenian spyware, and therefore no threat to national security. Despite that, the government will ban it on October 2024 due to Slovenians being former commies.

Christians have accused TikTok of being an earthly manifestation of Hell. Scientists cannot help but agree with this assessment.

See also[edit | edit source]

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