Zoom

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A typical Zoom meeting. The smiles are all fake.

Zoom is an app and software program used for video and audio communication. Its video functionality is near mythical as 99% of users keep their camera off 100% of the time.

History

A typical day of school or work using Zoom.

In the year 10,000 BC, Zoom had 0 users. This can be attributed to poor marketing. In 2019, Zoom had approximately 1 user. In 2020, the number of Zoom users increased by approximately 8,000,000,000 as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. (Downloading Zoom is one of the most common symptoms of COVID-19.)

Zoom was created by the Oom Corporation, who previously created Doom (a video game), Noom (a diet program), brooms (cleaning tools), grooms (men getting married), shrooms (drugs), and "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!" (a song by the Vengaboys).

Effect on Education

Zoom dramatically improved education. Students enjoyed newfound freedoms such as turning off video and audio to sleep during class, faking connectivity issues to get out of participating, and slacking off in a breakout room away from teacher supervision. After over a year of isolation without in-person peer socialization, students have also developed "exciting" new behaviors which have made the return to in-person school much more "interesting."

Effect on Business

Zoom dramatically improved business productivity. Employees could attend meetings without wearing pants. The ease of Zoom "work" during the pandemic led to the rise of "working" from home full-time. This allowed workers to do nothing all day while also boosting their ingenuity as they worked to build contraptions that wiggled their mouse and typed on their keyboard just enough to trick their bosses into thinking they were working.

This is all that remains of the unfortunate lawyer.

Dangers of Zoom

Carelessness with the camera and microphone buttons has resulted in many employees accidentally broadcasting the sounds of their farts and footage of their masturbation sessions to all their coworkers. Some employers leaned into this by holding group masturbation sessions and company-wide edging competitions.

In one horrifying case, using Zoom caused a lawyer to transform into a kitten while his coworkers ridiculed him.

Future of Zoom

The Oom Corporation has annnounced an upcoming follow-up product to Zoom called Coom, which they describe as the "Zoom of sex." Users will be able to "fuck each other [in the ass] ... regardless of distance" with Zoom-enabled dildos and fleshlights. Orgy participants will be able to choose partners and split off into breakout rooms.

He saw what you were doing during your Zoom meeting. He is now praying for you, you sinner.

See also

• Skype
• Chat Roulette