It's funny 'cuz it's true.
Forums are any of a number of places that spontaneously burst into flames. For some reason people enjoy congregating around these hot flames and contribute something know as a "post", which is a unit of measurement equal to five gallons of kerosene. Posters end up being extremely stupid because of brain damage from excess heat and burns.
- 1 Types of Forums
- 2 The Forum Environment
- 3 History
- 4 Modern Forums
- 5 Forum Members
- 6 Survival: Internet Forum Edition
- 7 See also
Types of Forums
There are many different types of forums according to the particular brand of stupidity that their members subscribe to.
Stupid forums are among the most common, probably because most of the people on the Internet are stupid. Every member has the mentality of a 13-year-old and can discuss nothing more complex than their favorite obscure pop culture icons. Do not waste your time telling these people how stupid they are, or you will have sunk to their level.
These forums are hopelessly lost to an endless flood of hatred, inanity, and pointless drivel. They are beyond saving. I repeat: they are beyond saving. Just stay away from them and hope that God, in his mercy, allows these hellholes to die a swift and painful death.
These places are entirely populated with people who mindlessly agree with a single viewpoint. Discussion consists solely of agreeing repeatedly with this viewpoint in a variety of ways. Any attempt at dissension will land you in the middle of a flame war of nightmarish proportions. Avoid at all costs or be absorbed into the collective.
Mystery forums, a.k.a. private forums, deny access to all but those who have been approved by the members. These forums are tantalizing traps of the highest order. What magical secrets could their members be discussing? Are they hatching some terrible scheme? *gasp* Could actual intelligent conversation be occurring within its forbidden walls? Alas, these questions are unanswerable to non-members. In the long run, it is better to just forget them, rather than spending countless hours trying to force your way in, only to find that it is reserved exclusively for "Hello Kitty" appreciation.
Ghost Town Forums
The type of forum where there are little to no members, the Admin waits for members but they never come.
The Forum Environment
Modern forums feature far more than just mindless drivel. They often transform themselves into electronic battlegrounds of epic proportions on a regular basis.
Ah, the heart and soul of a modern forum. Flame wars start whenever two people disagree on something, which is fairly often. The two sides then begin to pummel eachother with vicious insults and threats until one side breaks down, or until they peacefully come to terms. But seriously, these things go on until one side breaks down. You would think that a flame war would be impossible on a Mindless Forum, but aggressive attacks on anyone who disagrees serve this purpose just fine.
Vandalism occurs whenever one mindless moron decides to destroy any inkling of intelligent discussion that dares to show itself. Usually vandalism is carried out in the form of endless and nonsensical spam that interrupts the flow of the argument, although in a wiki format, a vandal may choose to simply blank the whole page. Uncyclopedia has attempted to appease their vandals in declaring an International Page Blanking Day, but you can guess how well that turned out.
Whenever both of the above events fail to occur, mindless drivel fills the void. Mindless drivel includes, but is not limited to: boring conversations, pointless discussions, repetitive and/or stupid questions, rumors, gossip, misinformation, and utter lies. One should not attempt to stop the tide of mindless drivel, as it is the lifeblood of modern forums, and without it they would surely die (now there's an idea).
Double posts are a sign of retardation, or, at least, the enter key just not liking you. Signs and symptoms of double posts include stupidity, narf, spontaneous combustion, having really fat hands, and your mom.
Double posts are a sign of retardation, or, at least, the enter key just not liking you. The double poster is always an arrogant loser that brings ten gallons of kerosene instead of the usual five. Signs and symptoms of double posts include stupidity, narf, spontaneous combustion, having really fat hands, and your mom.
The sad but inevitable result of any forum discussion is neatly summed up by Godwin's Law. The fact that this has become a meme itself has not affected the natural progression of posts in a forum; it just means that even after the law's invocation, people still have something to post about (i.e. "lolz godwin ftw").
Forums have existed for as long as people could speak, but they have changed radically from their humble prehistoric beginnings. In fact, one could say that forums have undergone an evolution of sorts... just not in a Fundamentalist forum, because that would condemn you to hell. Forever.
The first forums were more a spontaneous gathering of cavemen than an organized body of discussion. These proto-forums were not very remarkable in that they mainly consisted of vague grunts and coughs (and the occasional sneeze).
And they remained that way until the first languages were developed. Finally people could communicate their thoughts and opinions with more than just vague looks and audible bodily functions. Alas, these new, verbal forums would remain as dull as ever, as participants lacked the intelligence to generate a debate more complex than:
Gronk: "Me like beef." Krunk: "Me like pork." Gronk: "Me hate Krunk." Krunk: "Gronk love men." Gronk: "Me kill Krunk!"
The Roman Forum
No, forums needed more than words to flourish. They needed culture. They needed sophistication. In a word, they needed a civilized society (OK, maybe in two words). And that need was eventually filled by the Roman Empire. The Romans erected the world's largest and most famous forum in the center of the great city of Rome. This one square soon became the focal point of the ancient world. It was by no means perfect: misinformation and utter lies flowed as freely as honest debate. But the Forum grew despite all odds. It was this growth, however, which led to the Forum's demise: in 476 AD, a disagreement with the Vandals to the north led to a foreign invasion and the eventual burning of Rome (the first "flamewar"). It would take centuries for the art of the forum to recover.
The art of the forum was not revived until the advent of the Internet. The anonymity and ease of use that the Internet provided convinced people to rekindle the traditional discussion forum over an instantaneous global network.
These factors, however, had unforeseen consequences. Anonymity and instant communication attracted thousands of troublemakers and modern-day vandals bent on the destruction of the new forums. This led to endless flame wars, spamming, acts of vandalism and invocations of Godwin's Law, all carried out electronically.
The consequence is a cyber-wasteland full of idiots and perverts. Any attempt at intelligent discussion is forced out by a deluge of nonsense and irrationality which borders on the insane. Sadly, the truth is this: even after thousands of years and countless revolutions in thought and technology, the average discussion on a modern forum boils down to this:
soopergonk14: i like rock :) TehKrunkster: i like rap soopergonk14: u suck TehKrunkster >:( TehKrunkster: lol soopergonk14 is soopergay!!!!1 soopergonk14: IM GONNA KILL U TEHKRUNKSTER!!!!11
Can't you just taste the irony in the above exchange? I can, and it's delicious.
Forums are home to a lot of idiots. Here you can find a helpful guide on how to identify them. Warning: This is only for high quality forums, which are still pretty low quality overall, but high by comparison. For low quality forums, see idiots and perverts.
People who join the forum for no reason and don't even post. Why? Nobody really knows. Probably because they are idiots.
The spammer is a weed that grows in most forums. They are the lowest part of the food chain and are common food among moderators, administrators, and trolls.
The most common forum member. A single-celled organism that makes up 90% of the active population of forums. They like to grow on spam topics, and when no spam topic is available they make their own. Trollism is highly contagious and making fun of them not only increases it's deadliness but also can turn you into one. The best solution is to ignore them, which will cause their life force to run out and die. In severe cases, a ban could be required, but if it fails then natural selection will take over, and you dont want that. Or worse, the banned trolls will come back under a different username.
Assumes that since he is new, no rules apply to him. They seem to think that its the law to use intentionally bad spelling. Often used as target practice, and a host organism for trolls.
The Forum Owner
A faceless administrator who owns the forum. They only ever post in the locked announcements forum and nobody likes them. All that is known about them is that they make really bad choices for admins and mods.
Ban-happy absolute dictators. They have a burning desire to kill everyone and everything, and somehow fail to kill trolls. Only wannabe moderators actually like them, the rest all get their topics locked and banned. They can troll all they want, because they have the power to do so. Everybody beleives everything the administrator says, without the slightest bit of proof or reason.
Same as the Administrator, but they are rarely seen. When they are, moderators they seem to think they have equal power as them and act pretty much the same. Like admins they can troll whenever they want without facing consequnces, and the ignorant forum members beleive everything he says regardless of having a single ounce of proof or evidence.
The Average Left-Winger
Idiots who go around the forums praising their lord Obama. The only things they know about anything political is:
- Obama's first name
- Obama's last name
- Obama is a democrat
Nobody even told them that hes not president until 2009, or even that politics are retarded and they shouldnt be wasting half their life away talking about them. They seem to think that their slightly better grammar is a sign of clear superiority to the average right-winger.
The Average Right-Winger
More politician idiots. They know a shocking 4 things about anything political, including
- Obama's first name
- Obama's middle name
- Obama's last name
- Obama is a democrat
Like the left-winger, nobody told them that he isnt president until 2009, or that politics are retarded. They usually have bad grammar.
The Stupid Atheist
These guys are always running around talking about how smart they are for being an atheist. They enjoy pointing to some form of nonexistant science, like how it was scientifically proven people don't have souls. You remember that study, right? At least most other groups have some friends, but no one likes these guys. They love blaming everybody for "shoving religion down their throat". And of course fighting off those crazy Religious Lunatics everywhere, who are determined to take over the world.
They sound suspiciously like the same people they keep blaming everything on, especially with the shoving down your throat part.
Whats that? You're an atheist too? Clearly you arent. I bet you're just one of those religious types! You're lying so you can try to take over the world! But I wont let you!!!
The Religious Lunatic
Evil overlords who were originally everywhere until the invention of Myspace. They were all over the forums, their only purpose is to take them over with their propaganda of doom and destruction. They viciously hate everyone with a different religion and start countless flame wars with their evils. Although not as annoying as the stupid atheist (see above), they are nonetheless quite entertaining.
The Inflated Ego
People who join an argument by saying "Whatever, I really couldn't care less", then proceed to join and argue a lot. They insult everyone with a different opinion. Usually when someone else argues something, they say "is posting your opinion illegal now?" It's pretty apparent they do care about whatever the argument is.
The Wannabe Mod
These guys try to end all arguments by saying "You're both idiots, stop fighting!" This could even be on something incredibly stupid, like whether or not the moon exists. They are the only ones that actually like the mods and admins, but will never get to be one unless the forum is extremely small. They say all contributions to the forum are good, or at least have potential, even when they don't. Still, probably the best type of member on the forums.
The Intelligent Member
A popular myth among forums. Most groups, including the forum owner, administrators, moderators, left-wingers, right-wingers, atheists, inflated egos, and wannabe moderators try to act like they belong in this group. They don't.
What the hell is going on here? Quote: What the hell is going on here? I'd explain it but it would be futile to recap the entire past discussion. Read the FAQ. Signed, the High Schmucky-Muck of Vanity (16000 posts cuz I have no life)
Survival: Internet Forum Edition
12 contestants are left stranded on a deserted island, all 12 are forum idiots.
Day 1, they elect a dictator to think for them because they don't know how to think for themselves.
Day 2, the dictator says the sky is green, everybody beleves him except for one person who thinks the sky is blue. Everybody is angry at him becuase they think he is wrong, and they kill him.
Day 3, the dictator eats everybody's food. The people ask what happened to the food? The dictator says it's still there, it's just invisible. Then the dictator says he will give them food to eat. They all have a parade.
A week later everyone is starving to death yet don't notice it. They're too busy having a parade because they are so happy the dictator said he will give them food a week ago.
The next day, the dictator pretends to hold an imaginary hamburger. He says who wants some food! Everybody actually thinks he is actually giving them food. Everybody just gulps down air thinking it really is food.
The last day, everyone dies of starvation despite being on a tropical island full of fruits. All except for the dictator who kills himself for no reason.