Forum moderator

A forum moderator (also just "moderator," or "mod," sometimes "admin," or "faggit") is a mindless, spiritless homo-sapien male whose intellect and natural concepts of freedom, creativity, and humility have been whittled away by an embittered false sense of power and the subsequent self-promise of one day getting laid.

Moderators are honorary members of the Internet Patrol, an army of angry, self-important automatons telepathically controlled by an elite circle of misfit LARPers. Moderators begin their careers as normal users but are quickly recruited by the Patrol once it is discovered that they have an especially disturbing knack for douchebaggery.

A typical forum moderator.

Promotion

All potential moderators are put through the Internet Patrol's psychologically demanding personality test. Once a recruit has been considered for promotion, he is isolated from the rest of his peer group and given a choice between

a. remaining a normal user but obtaining deep and epiphanic personal insights into human nature, eventually learning the secrets of life and existence

b. being given the power to lock threads, delete and edit posts, and ban other users but having to

• sacrifice the ability to experience joy and happiness
• suffer daily bouts of haemorrhoidal prolapse
• remove one testicle
• grow a unibrow
• reserve a special place in Hell where the only thing on television is the opening theme to "Facts of Life."
• Loss of Erection

Once the potential has made a decision, the Patrol counsel either erases his memory of the transpiring events and sends him away or accepts him into the ranks and assigns him a "handle," depending on the option the recruit has chosen. The counsel also subjects the recruit to an hour's worth of non-lubricated buggery regardless of which choice has been made.

Code names

Moderator handles, while seemingly random, actually follow a strict coda of stringent and esoteric rules mandated by the head counsel member known only as "the dungeon master." Traditional moderator usernames include:

• SupaDupaPlayBoiX69
• xXxXXXXxXx
• Cowboy_Z
• Darth _____
• Cyber Steve
• bob
• Steve2993
• Richie007
• Tr0nFan
• Silicon Vampyre
• qUiCkSiLvEr
• Ocker or Jock, if you're a down-under douchebag
• Raining Ash
• DoTeX
• Thronos
• Nick-Nugget
• Blackbox
• Kodemage

Mutant ability

Mods are characteristically distinguishable from the rest of the populace by their incapacity to ejaculate unless stimulation is accompanied by photographs of dead babies. The resulting fluid is a volatile, highly corrosive substance that reacts instantly with foreign objects to produce what is commonly known as a "warning." Self-ingesting the ejaculate can result in a wide variety of adverse reactions including, but not limited to:

• delusions of grandeur
• slurred typing
• an uncontrollable desire to quote from message board/wiki rules of conduct
• a body odor not unlike the smell of rotting cabbage
• verbal abuse and otherwise threatening behavior
• manboobs
• shortened temper
• shortened attention span
• hair loss
• "kitty cat" eyes

Moderators do not possess the basic human needs for sleep, intellectual nourishment or fun, and they have little, if any, knowledge of or interest in worldly affairs outside of the realm in which they operate. Most moderators exhibit serious psychological problems and are prone to passive-aggressiveness when they shape-shift.

Weaknesses

Although military scientists are constantly looking for ways to pierce the alien technology that protects the moderator's humanoid exoskeleton, no arsenal to date has been able to produce a weapon proven to effectively kill or even wound an agent of the Internet Patrol. Self-destruction seems to be the only reliable method of extermination.

It should be noted, however, that moderators can be momentarily distracted by clever baiting. Successfully baiting a moderator depends on a wide range of factors, and the difficulty of completing the task ranges from "Extremely Easy" to "Somewhat Tricky." It is usually achieved by

• bypassing the forum's Swear Detection Unit by typing spaces between the letters of words like "fuck" and "homogay."
• using the words "moderator" or "admin" in a post containing any of the following phrases: "censorship," "human-rights," "eat my dongle," "trigger-happy," or "Why did you ____ my ____?"
• responding
• manipulating the moderator into claiming they are not afraid of legal action then filing DMCA violation with Reuters, Associated Press or any mainstream media outlet the jerk-off has quoted extensively. Watch with glee as the moderators and admins begin to cannibalize their forum posts trying to remove all the infringements. Bonus points if the site is taken down by the host company. Follow this up with a veiled reference to an IRS audit.

This should be recognized with caution; attempting to bait a moderator will generally lead to an irrevocable ban on your account, forcing you to spend three to five minutes creating a new one or accessing the site via proxy.

More reading

• The real purpose of forum moderators
• Urban dictionary definition of 'forum nazi'