Internet-speak

Research shows that 99.9% of people who type in Interweb-§p3@k are fat-handed, slack-jawed idiots.

Internet-Speak, more commonly represented as Interweb-§p3@k, is a written language developed as a joint project between AOL and Microsoft. The project started because Microsoft realized that the only thing more secure than encryption was to create a new language. It the only usable form of communication on the Internet, and one of the official languages of Angola.

Origins

A typical “Chat Speak” conversation.

“ ROFL LMAO!!! brb”
~ 12 year old on Chat Speak

Internet-speak (or Chat Speak), most commonly practiced by the species 'teenager', is more than a form of reproduction. For some, it is a way of life. It reflects their ability to slowly drill into their victims' heads and cause unimaginable pain.

The longer chat speak has been around, the more it has evolved and formed into a revolution of illiterate lingo spoken by most teenagers. Don't think its more commonly used by those who generally have writing difficulties through no fault of their own, no. these illiterate barbarians of todays writing world do it intentionally just to piss the rest of the world off. In this way, chatspeak is similar to many other rituals 'teenagers' practice.

Unfortunately, due to a rising number of OAPs, teenagers and their language are dying out. These grannies compete with teenagers for attention and batter them with handbags mercilessly. A special trust has been set up for the protection of teenagers where they can live peacefully in a granny-free environment called Sheffield.

Here they can roam free in their Burberry attire and terrorise the rest of the population of this pretty town happily, their activities unhindered by old ladies.

Guide to Internet-Speak (2000s - early 2010s)

And you probably thought they memorized theses things!?

Before delving into the much more complicated and severely illogical language of the original Internet-speak slang, remember to observe these helpful tips.

Misspell, abbreviate and substitute words with numbers to try to save time as often as possible, even if you must stop and spend time figuring out how to shorten the amount of time you spend typing. "Do u no how 2 spel lik a freek?" is a perfect example. Gramatically the sentence makes no sense but you are to assume the addressee of the sentence will instantly decipher and appreciate your more confusing version of talking.
Never, ever spell things correctly. Failure to comply to this rule could lead to being branded a huge square as well as being blocked by 95% of your contact list.
When you can remember to, double the last letter of all your greetings and salutations (like heyy and byee). By so extending your greeting, so you lessen the time for which you have to actually engage in prose with the alternatively-intelligent second party.
When you don't know what to say, say things like "lol", "lmao", "rofl", and so on.
If you feel you aren't contributing enough to the conversation, say things like "lol", "lmao", "rofl", and so on.
When you find something amusing, say things like "lol", "lmao", "rofl", and so on.
Expression to the negative can be substituted with suitably confused interjections: "huh?", "wtf?" and various smilies should suffice. Note that question marks are not often understood by such proletariat conversation partners, and may exacerbate further their already-profound confusion.
Do weird things with dashes, slashes, gizmos and Mormons in sorry attempts to recreate emotional faces. These include things like -.- ^_^ and #~+@??. These so-called "emoticons" are often used in place of real words, for when vocabulary fails these otherwise quite loquatious people.

Many interweb-speaking users will revert to short acronyms in a manner only otherwise used by programmers who wish to purposely obfuscate their code with meaningless variable names. The main reason for such proliferous use of shorthand is to avoid embarrassment on the part of the receiver, who would thus be spared the full force of these lurid acronyms if they did not already know their meaning.

Thus we list them here for you in all their grossly offensive glory.

The Pope and a nun using internet-speak.

0-9

2 - Two

4 - Short for 42 for lazy people

8 - Turned buttocks

42 - 40 + 2 or 21 × 2 or 44 - 2 or 23 ÷ 2 or 6 × 6 + 6, considered to be an evil number

1337 - Uncool, pronounced "one three three seven".

31337 - Very uncool, pronounced "very one three three seven".

A - G

ABC - Always Been Crippled

AFAIK - Accept Fellatio; And I Kneel

AFK - Aohn Fitzgerald Kennedy

AOL - An Online Legend

ASL - I want to have sex with you (corruption of "'Ay, Sexy Lady!")

B4 - our evil robotic overlord is among us.

BBQ - Beans Be Quick

BF - Bernard Finster

BFF - Boring Fake Friend

BRB - Begone, Rotten Bastard

BTW - Boating is the Way

CYA - Choose Your Ass (used for group anal cybersex)

DIAF - Do It Again Fucker

Fav - Feeling a vibrator (traditionally not typed in all capital letters)

FOAD - Fucker of All Dude(tte)s

G2G - Got two (2) Goats

GF - Goat Fanny

GTFO - Goats Trample Farmers 'Orses.

H - N

HF - HuFfing (can also be used to abbreviate Kitten Huffing)

Hgu - Hugs for ppl (people)

IANAL - I Anal (literal, as a description of sexual preference)

IMHO - In My Ho (offered as an explanation of not responding to IMs*)

IMO - Invisible Makes Out

JK - John Kerry

LMAO - Leave it to Mao (Tse Tung)

LOL - Leather Or Lace?

LULZ - Licking You, Licking Zucchini

MSN - My Stupid Neighbor

n00b - (A title of great respect)

newb - (A title for long-time users)

newbie - (A title for very, very, very long-time users, as well as administrators)

Nubian princess - A variation of the insult newbie

Nuff - Some guy

O - T

OETS - One Eyed Trout Slap, often paralleled to mushroom stamp

OLO - Oh, Like Oats?

OMG - Ouch, My Groin

OMFG - Ouch, My Fellating Girlfriend

OMGWTF - Obviously My Gratitude We'll Tastefully Forgo

OMGWTFWJDBBQ - Hola, Martinique! Greg is Waiting To Find out Why Julie Didn't Bake Breaded Quail (uncommon)

PEBKAC - Pirates Exist Between Kansas and California

Pwn3d - To win in an unconventional way

Pwned - Toilet activities

Q00u - Upside-downness

ROFL - Reach Out for Lube

ROFLMAO - Reach Out for Lube My Ass Only

ROTFL - Rolling Out The Fine Lovin'

ROFTL - Rolling Objects Faster Than Light

ROFLT - Ridiculing Outright Fermat's Last Theorem

ROTFLMAO - Rolling Out The Fine Lovin' Mainly Anal, Oral

RTFM - Rumplestiltskin Took Family's Mother

STFU - Superior Tank Force Ultron

TTYL - Extreme bastardization of titilating. As in: "This conversation is far too titilating. I must terminate it now."

U - Z

U - Uranium

Ur - Urinal rings (traditionally not capitalized)

w/e - With Eggs

WHOAMG - Why Hate Orange and Musty Grapes?

W00T - Want Oranges Or Tangerines?

WTF - World Trade Farmhouses (Expression of disbelief)

WWJD - Waffles with Jelly Donuts (standard reply to "What did you have for breakfast?")

XD - Extreme Donkeys

XFD - Extremely Freakish Ducks

YMMV - Yonder Mitten - Mare Vitrium (An ancient and occult summoning call for calling forth freemasons)

ZB - Zany Balls (or ZombieBaron for those using IRC)

ZIG - Zestfully Invigorating Gown (Often used during cybersex, as in the phrase "Take off every ZIG.")

ZOMG - (A derogatory term used to describe Black People)

Guide to Internet-Speak (late 2010s - 2020s)

Over time, internet-speak has evolved -or, better said, devolved- from a set of acronyms and numbers, to a chaotic aglomeration of nonsensical gibberish. This lexicon has formed thanks to the continuous raiding of 12-year-olds on the Internet; which, far from stopping, has been worsening with the pass of time, to the point that nowadays even little toddlers have unsupervised access to the Internet. As a result, the people coming up and popularizing these terms suffer from a severe lack of intelligence.