The phrase "What would Jesus do?" (often abbreviated to WWJD) became popular in the United States in the 1990s and was originally sent out in an ad campaign put together by Pope John Paul II of Vatican City, Vatican, Country of the Vatican, Roman Catholic Flat World that does not Orbit the Sun, Vatican Universe 53792-3772. Sometimes confused with "Who wants Jack Daniels?" It was designed to help young people be Christian, what with all those crazy Jesus haters everywhere trying to steal our children. Although the initial campaign was not all that successful, W.W.J.D is now used throughout the world. Because if you're gonna break one of the ten commandments and have an idol, then who better an idol than Jesus... maybe Clapton... maybe.
What Would Jesus Do?
Although most prominent Christians believe it is sacrilege for one to believe they knew who Jesus was, it is not sacrilege to guess the actions of Jesus Christ Our Lord And Savior™. If one is on a bike ride, and witnesses an urban youth shoot his or her friend, one would likely ask What Would Jesus Do? The most likely answer to this question is Get the fuck out of there man, he's packin' heat! However, this is not the Christian Way©, and does not fit God's Plan™; what one should do in this situation is to run out and assist the victim, putting oneself in harm's way. This way, one has no chance of calling the police and an ambulance if one is shot by the urban youth as well. Now, let's pretend you were at church and didn't have any money when the offering plate came by, again you would ask What Would Jesus Do? And the answer would most likely be something like Just stick your hand in the tin can a wiggle it around a little bit. This, however, is NOT the Christian Way©. If one has no money to give, one must take off one's clothes and put it in the box. There is no shame in being naked, God made you this way. Finally, you receive counterfeit money which you know to be fake. What Would Jesus Do?. The answer is simple. Put it in the collection plate at church. That way you don't offend anyone with your nudity.
World Wide Jewish Domination
Many of us know the common phrase "WWJD." The acronym WWJD originally did not stand for "What Would Jesus Do" but it stood for "World Wide Jewish Domination." The Jews were tired of being the scum of the earth so they decided to have a massive world revolution. This uprising was soon crushed by Hitler. The Jewish revolt was at the wrong time. Hitler was racist, but that wasn't the reason for his extreme hate towards Jewish people. the Jews just got in his way and he brutally crushed them. Two people can't rule the entire world together. The Vatican is rumored to have allied with Hitler for a very short time to help crush the revolution. With Hitler's help the Christians could finally rid the world of all Jews. The Vatican denies any involvement in this but sources say that the Pope attempted to erase the "World Wide Jewish Domination" from the face of the Earth by creating "What Would Jesus Do" as a cover. The KKK secretly supports this organization and therefore hates all Catholics for trying to thwart it, as strange as that sounds. You may be wondering, "Does this powerful group of people still exist?" and to answer your question, yes, still exist, and are more powerful than ever. The Jews will rise again!!!!!!
Particularly Tough Questions
When you're in a particularly tough situation, and you just can't find it in yourself to answer What Would Jesus Do?, there is still hope. In 1987 the W.W.J.D Hotline was formed. Put together by some of the most well known Catholics of its day, the W.W.J.D. Hotline is one of the best. Answering questions for those particularly tough situations like: Someone Just Slept with My Wife, There's a Drunk Man in my Mercedes, My Daughter is a Nazi, My Cat has an Uncanny Resemblance to Richard Nixon, I think I might be the Devil Reincarnate, My kids like Harry Potter, My Lamp is Broken, I just Met Dustin Hoffman, My Son Used a Condom, My Globe is Round, I Bought an iPod, and of course The Priest at my Church Molested my Son... Yes, that just goes to show you, no matter what the situation, W.W.J.D. is the way to go. And if they're one of those particularly tough situations, just call the W.W.J.D. Hotline toll-free at ,1-800-
Those Stupid Little Bracelet Things
God those are stupid. What a waste of money. They're all like multi-colored and shit. So what if they're tie-dyed, are you really that gay? You know they don't let gay people in the military...so good luck with that. I know they're hardasses but I'm just saying... Anyway yea those little bracelet things were introduced in the Gay 80's. They might look ok at first, but they just say W.W.J.D. and they never give you any answers. Even worse is the fact that after about a week of wearing them they turn your skin weird colors. I mean i guess if you're really that extremely religious... like that guy that wrote Reasons to become an atheist. I guess if the bracelets like came with the number for W.W.J.D. Hotline or something like that I would be more for it. As of now, however, they suck.
Those Who Were Left Out
Jabari Jabir, Jack
Believe it or not there are some situations where you shouldn't do what Jesus would do. A list follows:
- When with a prostitute.
- When at church.
- When near a giant cross.
- During Easter.
- When kissed by Judas.
- When drinking wine.
- When near a cow.
- When confronted by Muhammad.
- When with your girlfriend.
- When asked by someone "Are you the Messiah?"
- While with God.
- When you're in Egypt.
- When there's an ocean in your way (wait, that was Moses...)(Jesus walked on water... it's all the same) (Moses parted a sea, not an ocean)
- When in Rome.
- When finding Bush sick in bed.
- When sinning.
- The other obvious ones I forgot to mention.
Also don't do everything exactly the way Jesus did. Some people might frown on that.
- WWJD - What Would Jesus Drink?
- WWJD - Who Would Jesus Do?
- WWJD - World Wide Jewish Domination
- WWJD - Who Wants Jelly Doughnuts?!?!?!?!
- WWKD - WHAT Would kira do?
- IDCWJWD - I Don't Care What Jesus Would Do?!?!?!?!
- WCWJWD - Who Cares What Jesus Would Do?
- WWJBD - What would James Bond do?
- WWJD - Who wants Jammy Dodgers?
- WWJD - What would Judas do?
- WTFWJD - What the fuck would Jesus do?
- WTFWJD - Who the fuck would jesus do?
- WWJDD - What Would Jeffrey Dahmer Do?
- WWHRD - What Would Henry Rollins Do?
- WWJD - What Wouldn't Jesus Do!?
- WWCD? - What Would Frank Zappa Do?
- WWWD? - What Would We Do? (Motto of The Jesus Squad)
- WWJC? - Why Would Jesus Care?
- WWJD - Why Won't Jesus Die?
- WWBD? - What Would Bush Do? (Go to war)
- WIJNAMP? - Where in Jesus' Name Are My Pants?
- DWMJ? - Dude, Where's My Jesus?
- WWVD? - What Would Vin Do?
- WWOD? - What Would Orko Do? (probably break something important and then try to run (fly?) away)
- WWV? - Who Wants Vindaloo?
- WWIS? - What Will I Smash? Personal motto of both Godzilla and Perfect Mega Jesus, (before it was smashed that is)
- WWBBD? - What would Brian Boitano Do?
- WWMD? - What would Milton do? (Probably something stapler related)
- WWBBD? - What Would Brian Blessed Do? GORDON'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEE!!!!
- WWJTATCP? - What Would Jesus Think About The Colour Purple?
- WWRJD? - What Would Raptor Jesus Do?
- WWZJD? - What Would Zombie Jesus Do? (BRAAAAINS!)
- WWGD? - What Would God Do?
- WWID? - What Would I Do?
- YNGLSTNTYA - You're Never Going To Lose Stuff That's Nailed To Your Appendages
- WCWCCBITNOJ - What Commandment Wouldn't Conservative Christians Break In The Name Of Jesus?
- WWGFD?- What Would Gordon Freeman do?
- WWJD? - What Would Johanna do? (this only works if you know someone named Johanna, or someone else with a "J" name)
- WWJDFaLKB - What Would Jesus Do For a Klondike Bar?
- OMGILTDGTAYHIOFLMPIOWMBBPMIF - Oh My God I Like Totally Didn't Get That And Your Hat Is On Fire, Let Me Put It Out With My BlueBerry Pie Made In France