Salad
“You don't win friends with salad!”
– Homer and Bart on Salad
“Don't you know what that stuff does to you? Just look at Oscar Wilde!”
– A Cakeist on salad
“Salad is gross.”
– Captain Obvious on Salad
“Salad? Actually a codename for a conglomerate of vegetables.”
“Absolut Vodka is my salad. Sorry - I meant 'our' salad. It is for all Comrades everywhere. Now please don't kill me.”
– Captain Russia on Salad
“The inevitable ballbags of salad.”
– ChatGPT trying to sound human
“Darmok and Salad, at Tanagra.”
– Dathon on Salad
Salad is a synthetic hallucinogenic drug, similar to ecstasy, LSD and tofu, invented by Christopher Columbus, which can cause major medical problems such as brain seepage, third eye-ness and, in extreme cases, causing the sufferers to talk like New Zealanders. Salad's official spokesperson is a Caucasian elephant known as God. Salad is the 673rd pokemon. When Moses first brought down the tablets from the mountain, the only commandment recorded was "Thou shalt not win friends with salad."
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
Although salad is illegal in 64.5 countries nationwide, and a further seven-and-a-bit globally, it is incredibly easy to manufacture. All that is needed is:
- A few leaves of lettuce
- A single cherry tomato
- Five-to-ten magic mushrooms (to let you see magic animals)
- A bucket of tomatoes
- A 70ft tall statue of Abraham Lincoln
- Celery (optional)
- Eye of newt (mandatory)
- A dash of potassium cyanide (to taste)
- Two freshly plucked eyebrows from an Albino
- One cancerous colon
- Large amounts of pig lard
- Several small children
- One Webster's New World Hebrew Dictionary
- 7,000 Megatons of TNT
- One pitted black olive
- The left eye of a throughbred horse
Some salad purists, or "junkies", (called "Chuck Angioplasties") insist that all you need for a decent bowl of salad is a large jar of mayonnaise and a couple of nubile young Swedes in bikinis. Then again, these are junkies we're talking about. Knowing them, they're probably doing something illegal, like sniffing tarmac or eating moondust. However, in most American homes, the traditional salad has been simplified to consist of nothing but pop tarts and cow manure. It doesn't smell good, but it smells better than it used to, largely thanks to FDA nasal assault regulations.
Salad as God[edit | edit source]
In Cakeism, it is believed that there is a "salad devil" (Named "Bob" by various ancient texts discovered around 412 AD) who created the substance known to this day as "salad". Eating salad is heavily frowned upon by these "Cakeists". Some of the more extreme cakeists may decide to take action based on their beliefs. Actions taken may include:
- Shouting abuse at vegetarians at local diners, such as "Dirty salad muncher" or 'Green menace'
- Beating up said salad muncher and kicking them into next week, or, if Chuck Norris is doing it, a lot further.
- Abstaining from sex with a "salad muncher". Sex of any kind (with anyone, anywhere) is considered unclean by Cakeists, as it is believed that any intercourse could potentially inseminate cakeists with microscopic levels of lettuce.
- Poking salad eaters in the eye with cigarette butts. Prominent figures such as Gordon Brown and LeBron James have been targeted. In this targeted attack, the cakeist has been known to use their ear to hold the cigarette, as well as several other parts of the body that we don't care to mention.
Effects of salad[edit | edit source]
The effects of prolonged salad usage are well documented. The eminent Doctor Archibald Q. Spang-Bolz, Doctor of Salad-Related Studies at St. Unctious' Hospital For The Morbidly Uninteresting, lists the following as potential side effects of salad usage:
- Brain seepage - Where the brain turns into a pinky-grey mulch and drips out of the ear into a puddle on the floor. Principle ingredient of many milkshakes.
- Third eye-ness - Where the patient grows a third eye, on a two-foot-long stalk growing out of their forehead. This can prove useful for many things, such as peering over walls, around walls and, in some extreme cases, through walls.
- New Zealand Accent Syndrome (NZAS) - Where the patient begins to speak with a New Zealand accent. Can be fatal, or can just cause slight cases of death.
- Spanner's Disease - Named after a spanner. Causes outbreaks of spanners all over the patient's body. Useful at garages.
- Spreust's Great Whopping Vegetable Syndrome - A slow but gradual disease that slowly turns you into a cabbage. Leafy foliage begins to replace hair throughout the body, until eventually you grow roots and turn into a tree for all eternity. After some years, some fairies will come and grow mushrooms around you, and then the gypsies will come.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Salad is banned by every single nation on earth, with the notable exception of France. The French do love their salad.
Palatial badgers are known for their love of serving a tossed salad to their beloved 'badgerinas' prior to copulation. They also have a 4-star restaurant in the Everglades. A well known lover of Badger-Tossed-Salad (BTS) is Julia Roberts. During the filming of the popular movie Pretty Woman, Julia had a $200-a-day salad addiction. In the first sex scene, an empty industrial tub of creme fraiche can be seen in the background. Other celebrities known for their BTS habits include Kate Moss, Sarah Jessica Parker, Katie Holmes and The Rock. This is particularly ironic - no-one truly knows 'what the rock is cooking' after all. BTSs are served cold.
Some people say that none of the effects of prolonged salad usage have been proven, and that Doctor Spang-Bolz is a twittish dorkoon working for 'Big Pork'.
Those who say this are simply concealing their own salad addictions.