Cakeism

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for [[]]?
Cake slice.jpg

A mysterious stranger has awarded you a slice of cake!

The icing is extra-frosty!

“Ah Cake!”

~ Don Longjuan on Cakeism

“Let them eat cake, but let me eat more!”

“In Soviet Russia, cake eats YOU!”

~ Yakov Smirnoff on Cake

“To eat Cake, or not to... *scoffing noises*”

Cakeism is more than just eating cake. It's about living and breathing cake. It's about putting cake ahead of your newborn baby. It really becomes your entire life.Amanda S, prominent theorist in Cakeism

A meeting of Prominent Cakeists 2006

Cakeism is widely regarded as one of the most prolific political movements throughout the history of East Anglia, Essex and in the Republic of Vera Hruba Ralston. The message of the movement is simple: if all people unanimously directed their efforts towards the production & consumption of cake everyone would be a lot happier. Although not all people agree that Cakeism is the most superior form of government, it is because:

  • Cake is tasty & puts people in a good mood.
  • It's better than your system of government.
  • It just is.
  • The Cake is a lie.
  • Rasputin was a Cakeist.
  • And so was Zasu Pitts.
  • Don't you like cake?

CAKEISTS BELIEVE THAT MR T IS THE PINNACLE OF MANKIND AND TRANSCENDENT. THEY FOLLOW HIS TEACHINGS OF CAKE AND ASPIRE TO BE HIM. CAKE EQUALS SALVATION[edit | edit source]

Enemys of cakeism[edit | edit source]

Cakeists have many enemys, including,

  • Dirty salad munchers
  • Dirty fruit gobblers
  • Dirty Cake Haters
  • People who are allergic to chocolate


(Note: by entering this page you, <insert name here> accept you have joined the cakeist revolution and are obliged to carry it forward to a glorious triumph!)

cakeism.jpg

ANYTIME = CAKETIME[edit | edit source]

Exept for 9:34 to 9:35, on the 24th sunday of the year, at that point in time, all cake mysteriously turns into salad, oh noes!!! Luckily, it's only for a minute once a year, phew!

Types of Cakeism[edit | edit source]

Monarchic Cakeism[edit | edit source]

Basic Principle[edit | edit source]

The Cakeist symbol of the Tsars

Most people are lazy and will only eat cake therefore need to be told to make cake. This task falls to the monarch in charge of the people. Nonetheless, the monarch must also be able to make cake or we're all in trouble (see The Russian Revolution). This is the most successful, effective and, widespread form of Cakeism.

-Used in:[edit | edit source]

  • Ancient Britain: BC1026 to AD1964
  • Tsarist Russia: BC242 until the revolution
  • Atlantis: AD230 to present day
  • London: BC1026 to AD1982
  • London (reinstated): AD1996 to present day
  • Tir na nOg: BC? To AD?

Fundamental Cakeism[edit | edit source]

Basic Principles[edit | edit source]

Cake is the only path away from eternal Damnation. Run by clerics known as paster-yshefs who have absolute say over all aspects of life and cooking. Incidentally the reason that the Aztecs kept executing people is that they decided that people needed to put more devotion to cake by laying down their lives so their brains could be made into icing. They are deadly enemies with the Pieist's, members of Pieism.

Used in:[edit | edit source]

  • Meso-America by the Aztecs BC134 to AD1968
  • Easter Island BC438 to BC96
  • Belgium by master cakistteirs

Anarchic Cakeism[edit | edit source]

Basic Principle[edit | edit source]

A cake bomb-device often used by annarcho-cakeists to get the point across.

F### you I’m going to make cake! This movement favours the individual cake maker but is impractical as the ingredients run out pretty rapidly. When not in power the participants in this movement bake explosive cakes/cakes with nails in, and then throw them at the general public. Due to the popularity of this activity a vote is being taken to decide if it should be introduced to the Olympics.

Used in:[edit | edit source]

  • London AD1983 to AD1995

Communo-Cakeism[edit | edit source]

Basic Principle[edit | edit source]

We are all equal, let us make cake together! The flaws in this one have been pointed out in monarchical Cakeism: PEOPLE ARE LAZY; one person ends up doing all the work. Nonetheless both Lennon & Lenin gave this type of Cakeism a bit of thought.

Used in:[edit | edit source]

  • Russia AD1996-AD1996 (lasted 3 hours)

New-Age Cakeism[edit | edit source]

Basic Principle[edit | edit source]

  • The only god is the Holy Cake.
  • All cakes are descended from this Holy Cake.
  • The moon was made out of cake, but went mouldy and turned into cheese.
  • Salad is banned. People who willingly eat this are SHUNNED for all eternity.
  • So is fruit.
  • NA-Cakeists are suspicious of bread.
  • Close to Pieism. If they can't find cake (or fish cake), they will try to find some pie.
  • Eating a lot of cake, without sacrificing some to the Holy Cake, results in painful punishment known as "Indigestion".
A typical 500AD new-age cakeist painting depicting the Holy Cake.
Note the primitive "cake gun".

Used in:[edit | edit source]

  • Planet Earth 127BC+
  • Movements such as the Holy Cake Movement (on Steam) follow similar principles.
  • Portal. To show how awesome cake is.

Other Splinter Groups[edit | edit source]

Other groups include:

  • Conservative Cakeism
  • Fascist Cakeism
  • Communist Cakeism
  • Socialist Cakeism
  • Surreal Cakeism
  • Pseudo-Cakeism
  • Neo-Cakeism
  • Liberal Cakeism

To learn more about other forms of Cakeism read "Betty Crocker's Cakeist Manifesto”

A Brief History of Cakeism[edit | edit source]

  • -BC2963 the concept of Cakeism was put forward in Descartes "Meditations".
  • -BC1969 Cakeism becomes the system of government in ancient Britain under Boudicca.
  • -0 Cakeism suffered its greatest blow: people were following some character who was stuck on a cross!
  • -BC242 Russian monarchy takes up Cakeism under the guidance of Rasputin.
  • -BC134 Russian monarchy discovers South America and introduces Cakeism to the Aztecs
  • -AD1257 Aztecs discover that cakes are best made with human hearts and build pyramids to prepare the ingredients.
  • -AD1678 revolution in Russia leads to the downfall of Cakeism (Rasputin is vexed)
  • -AD1836 Marie Antoinette attempts to introduce Cakeism to France. As the French decide they prefer croissants they revolt, leading to another war between England & France (seecliche
  • -AD1968 Spanish dudes rediscover the Americas and shoot the Aztecs as they disagree with sacrifice in the interests of baking
  • -AD1965 Cakeism has fallen out of favor in England and demoCRASSy fills the gap
  • -2000AD Judge Dread eats cake
  • -AD2006 Rasputin, Dali and Olga Romananov start the process towards unilateral Cakeism
  • -AD2132 Cakeism Will RULE!

Famous Cakeists[edit | edit source]

See Also[edit | edit source]

External Links[edit | edit source]

While your waiting for the Cakeist revolution[edit | edit source]

  • Incite revolution in your compatriots/co-workers/miscellaneous people.
  • Incite revolution in your compatriots/co-workers/miscellaneous people while hiding behind a sofa.
  • Learn to make cake.
  • Invade --insert country name-- for a day.
  • Go to sleep.
  • If you can’t be bothered with that try going to these:
Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Cakeism&oldid=6230599"