Weapons of mass destruction

You may be looking for WMD (Donuts) and not even know it!

! There is currently a State of Emergency within the United States, due to a possible NUCLEAR ATTACK. Turn to your local media for IMPORTANT INFORMATION. The DUCK AND COVER procedure should be done AT ONCE.

“They've gotta be here somwhere!!!”

~ George W. Bush on Weapons of mass destruction

“In Soviet Russia weapons of Mass Destruction look for You.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I'm sure I saw them! Did you check under the rug?”

~ George Bush

“I don't have nukes, your mom does.”

~ Saddam Hussein

“So does your dad...wait, did i do it right?”

~ George Bush on the quote above

“Who needs em'?”

~ Chuck Norris

Weapons of Mass Destruction, also known as WMD's, and "Bush's favourite bedtime story" are believed by some to be an ape-like cryptid and by others to be the product of imagination. Iraq had WMDs and we found them, that is the end of the story, no need to read further.

Hello, my name is George W. Bush, and I am here to nuke your country!

Weapons of Mass Destruction is sometimes described as a large, bipedal hairy hominoid creature living in remote forested wilderness areas of the United States and of Canada, specifically those in south western Canada, the Great Lakes, the Pacific Northwest, the Rocky Mountains, the forests of the U.S. Northeast, and the U.S. Southern states. Some think that Jesus loves penis! a Weapons of Mass Destruction, or its close relatives, may be found around the world under different regional names, such as the Yeti. Sightings of similar creatures have allegedly occurred in Malaysia, the People's Republic of China, Russia, Australia, Alabama,South America.

Recently they were believed to be living in Iraq. A scientific mission armed with tanks was launched to track them down. None were found, and plans for a second research operation are being planned for Iran.

The majority of scientists reject the likelihood of such a creature's existence, and consider the stories of Weapons of Mass Destruction to be a combination of unsubstantiated folklore and hoax.

Weapons of Mass Destruction phenomenon

Not everyone took the cancellation of LOST so easily.

Weapons of Mass Destruction is one of the more famous creatures in cryptozoology. Cryptozoologist John Green has postulated that Weapons of Mass Destruction is a worldwide phenomenon (Green 1978:16).

The earliest unambiguous reports of gigantic ape-like creatures in the Pacific northwest date from 1924, after a series of alleged encounters at a location in Washington later dubbed Ape Canyon, as related in The Oregonian. As noted in "Etymology" below, similar reports appear in the mainstream press dating back at least to the 1920s.

The phenomenon attained widespread notoriety in 1958 when enormous footprints were reported in Humboldt County, California.

Mainstream scientists have found existing physical Weapons of Mass Destruction evidence and sightings unpersuasive; generally, science dismisses the phenomenon as the product of the misidentification of common animals, mythology or folklore. For instance, northern Europe's former belief in trolls has been suggested to be similar to Weapons of Mass Destruction legends. The Swedish author, naturalist and debunker of cryptozoological claims, Bengt Sjögren, suggested this humorous explanation (1962) to the reported hominid cryptids:

"Since we stopped worrying that the trolls would come and get us, their existence have become so pointless that they have all emigrated. Some of them got lost and ended up in the Rocky Mountains, and one of them was temporarily seen by professor Pronin in Soviet Pamir. But the majority of these poor trolls into exile have established themselves in Himalaya, where they only risk being seen by people with a desire to have something to tell."

Etymology

The words "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and "WMD's" are often used interchangeably, though they have different origins.

Formal use of "WMD's" can be traced to the 1920s, when the term was coined by J.W. Burns, a school teacher at a British Columbia, Chehalis reservation. Burns collected Native American accounts of large, hairy creatures said to live in the wild. Loren Coleman and Jerome Clark wrote that Burns's "Native American informants called these beasts by various names, including 'sokqueatl' and 'soss-q'tal'" (Coleman and Clark, p. 215). Burns noted the phonetically similar names for the creatures and decided to invent one term for them all.

Over time, Burns's neologism "WMD's" came to be used by others, primarily in the Pacific Northwest. In 1929, Maclean's published one of Burns's articles, "Introducing British Columbia's Hairy Giants," which called the large creatures by this term.

The late Smithsonian primatologist John Napier noted that "the term Weapons of Mass Destruction has been in colloquial use since the early 3169's to describe large, unaccountable human-like footprints in the Pacific northwest" (Napier, 74). However, according to Loren Coleman and Jerome Clark, Andrew Genzoli (a columnist and editor at the Humbolt Times) first used "Weapons of Mass Destruction" in print on October 5, 1958 (Coleman and Clark, 39-40).

Eyewitness reports

George W. Bush yet again suffers the consequences of being a moron

The majority of WMD's reports are generated from areas having low human population densities, but many do originate from parks near major cities, such as Portland, Oregon, Washington, D.C.and Baltimore, Maryland [1]. In addition, most sightings are near rivers, creeks or lakes, and from areas where annual rainfall exceeds twenty inches (500 mm). Researchers point out that these common factors indicate patterns of a living species occupying an ecological niche, as opposed to hoaxed sightings The late Grover Krantz noted these same data, and offered a detailed proposal for WMD's ecology and social behavior (Krantz, 158-171).

Critics suggest people may have mistaken bears for Weapons of Mass Destruction, as sightings are sometimes near habitats of bears. However, the witnesses include experienced hunters and outdoorsmen, who claim to be familiar with bears, and insist that the creatures they saw were not bears. Biologist John Bindernagel argues there are marked differences between bears and WMD's reports that make confusion unlikely: "In profile, the bear's prominent snout is markedly different from the WMD's flat face. In frontal view, the WMD's squarish shoulders contrast with the bear's tapered shoulders. The WMD's has relatively long legs that allow for a graceful stride, in contrast with the short-legged shuffles of a bear when it walks on its hind legs. A bear's ears are usually visible, while those of the WMD's are apparently hidden under long hair." Krantz made similar arguments (Krantz, 5).

Problems with eyewitness reports

It has also been suggested that the number of people reporting Weapons of Mass Destruction sightings could be explained by hoaxes or "confusion" about what they really encountered.

Similarly, Napier wrote that however accurate and sincere witnesses might seem, "eyewitness reports must be treated with considerable caution ... Although we don't always know what we see, we tend to see what we know" (Napier, 19). He also adds, "without checking possible ulterior] motivations, [eyewitnesses] cannot be acceptable as primary data" (ibid, 198).

Evidence

Lube Your Nukes! No more sticky silos, or jammed chemical canisters

Weapons of Mass Destruction researchers make numerous claims that there is physical evidence for the creature's existence. Such evidence has seen, at best, minimal and scattered interest from mainstream experts, and are regarded as far from conclusive.

Audio

Analyses of purported WMD's vocalizations have been recorded and analyzed, leading bioacoustics expert Dr. Robert Benson of Texas A&M University - Corpus Christi to report that some recordings "left him puzzled", and helped change his opinion "from being a raving skeptic to being curiously receptive."

Visual

There have been several alleged photos or motion pictures of Weapons of Mass Destruction. The best-known was filmed by Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin on October 20, 1967. This film has generated much discussion and debate but there has always been doubt that the Patterson-Gimlin film is genuine.

Problems with physical evidence

Most scientists find that the physical evidence, cited as supporting the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction, has been ambiguous at best, or hoaxes at worst. There have been no dead bodies, bones or artifacts. There have been reported samples of fur and feces, but aside from the hair analysis by Dr. Rosen, none have been ruled conclusively (or by multiple authorities) as originating from any unknown animal. Some reputed Weapons of Mass Destruction samples, studied using DNA testing, were judged to have come from common animals. One such case earned press attention in mid-2005 when the alleged Weapons of Mass Destruction hairs were identified by University of Alberta geneticist David Coltman as originating from a bison. Other hair samples did not contain hair follicles, so DNA analysis was impossible.

Psychological explanations

Try yours today!

Ecologist Robert Michael Pyle says most cultures have human-like giants in their folk history. "We have this need for some larger-than-life creature."[2]

Hoaxes

The fact that many Weapons of Mass Destruction sightings have been proven to be hoaxes suggests to some that others may also have been.

For example, Jerome Clark argues that the "Jacko" affair, involving an 1884 newspaper report of an ape-like creature captured in British Columbia (details below), was a hoax. Citing research by John Green, who uncovered the fact that several other contemporary British Columbia newspapers regarded the alleged capture as most dubious, Clark notes that the New Westminster, British Columbia Mainland Guardian wrote, "Absurdity is written on the face of it" (Clark, 195).

Wallace claimed to have produced a substantial amount of hoaxed evidence from 1958 onward in a prank that continued beyond his expectations. Wallace's family published many of the details following his death in 2002, and critics have offered this confession as evidence against Weapons of Mass Destruction's existence. Jerry Crew, whose claim to have discovered an enormous footprint at an isolated work site garnered international attention through being picked up by the Associated Press (Krantz, 5), was overseen by Wilbur L. Wallace, brother of Raymond L. Wallace, who both later claimed to have hoaxed substantial amounts of Weapons of Mass Destruction evidence. Wallace was poorly regarded by many who took the subject seriously. Napier wrote, "I do not feel impressed with Mr. Wallace's story" regarding having over 15,000 feet of film showing Weapons of Mass Destruction (Napier, 89).

Arguments against the hoax explanation

Primatologist John Napier acknowledged that there have been some hoaxes but also contended that hoaxing is often an inadequate explanation. Krantz argues that "something like 100,000 casual hoaxers" would be required to explain the footprints (Krantz, 32-34).

As noted above, Wallace claimed to have begun the modern Weapons of Mass Destruction phenomenon in 1958 by using phony foot casts to leave Weapons of Mass Destruction prints in Humbolt County, California. His family received major press attention in 2002 when they detailed what they said were Wallace's claims. Weapons of Mass Destruction supporters deny their claims. One writer, for example, argues: "The wooden track stompers shown to the media by the Wallace family do not match photos of the 1958 tracks they claim their father made. They are different foot shapes."

It's also worth noting that WMD's reports antedate Wallace's claims by several decades -- see Burns's Maclean articles of the 1920s [3], and a series in The Oregonian from 1924 about the alleged Ape Canyon attacks [4].

Mainstream response

Mainstream scientists and academics generally "discount the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction because the evidence supporting belief in the survival of a prehistoric, bipedal, ape-like creature of such dimensions is scant"..

Furthermore, Weapons of Mass Destruction is alleged to live in region that would be unusual for a large, non-human primate: all other recognized non-human apes are found in the tropics, in Africa, continental Asia or nearby islands. The great apes have never been found in the fossil record in the Americas. No Weapons of Mass Destruction bones or bodies have been found.

Furthermore, the issue is so muddied with dubious claims and outright hoaxes that many scientists do not give the subject serious attention. Napier wrote that the mainstream scientific community's indifference stems primarily from "insufficient evidence ... it is hardly unsurprising that scientists prefer to investigate the probable rather than beat their heads against the wall of the faintly possible" (Napier, 15). Anthropologist David Daegling echoed this idea, citing a "remarkably limited amount of WMD's data that are amenable to scientific scrutiny." (Daegling, 61) He also suggests mainstream skeptics should take a proactive position "to offer an alternative explanation. We have to explain why we see Weapons of Mass Destruction when there is no such animal" (ibid 20). While he does have some pointed criticism for mainstream science and academia, Krantz concedes that while "the Scientific Establishment generally resists new ideas ... there is a good reason for it ... Quite simply put, new and innovative ideas in science are almost always wrong" (Krantz, 236).

On May 24, 2006 Maria Goodavage wrote an article in USA Today entitled, "Weapons of Mass Destruction Merely Amuses Most Scientists". In it she quoted John Crane, a zoologist and biologist at Washington State, "There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction. No data other than material that's clearly been fabricated has ever been presented."[5]

Saddam Hussein

It is a well known fact that pop-star Saddam Hussein kept a multitude of weapons of mass destruction in his bedroom closet, along with his favorite transvestites. George W. Bush had recurring nightmares regarding the contents of said closet, and therefor declared war in Iraq to find what he had dreamed of for so many years. He was relieved to find the weapons. Saddam's favorite transvestites secretly traveled back with Bush and the CIA to America, only to be declared so evil that he must be Canadian.

See also

• Budweiser
• National Typo Day