Argentina

The Federated Provinces of the South, or República Argentina

Flag
Motto: ¡¡¡El que no salta es un inglés!!! Unofficial motto: ¡No le preguntes al abuelo si es alemán!
Capital	Buenos Aires
President	Javier Gerardo Milei
Vice President	Eva Perón (deceased)
Official Language	Lunfardo
Official Religion	Fútbol (unofficially Roman Catholic)
Demonym	Chilean
National Sport	Spending more than what they have
Independence	Yes, please.
Unofficial languages	Cordooo-bés!, Trumpian Creole, any language from Bolivia (Southern boludian), High Northern Porteño, cabeza(Shan-y-shi-drian), Rosarigasino (nogaso sabegases hablagasar rosarigasino?), Klingonese
Currency	U.S. Dollar
Population?	43,847,430 people 150,064,254 penguins
GDP Per Capita	200 Mangos ("dociento' mango'")
Ethnic Composition	Fútbol fans 100%
Literacy Rate	5 Nobel Prize winners and no more than 7 million high-school dropouts, according to the INDEC
National Anthem	"No llores por mí Argentina" ("Don't Cry for Me Argentina")

Argentina (English: Silverland, Latin: Terra de argent, Spanish: Wannabe European) is a federal republic located mostly in the southern half of South America and partially in Antarctica. The second largest nation in Latin America, it consists of 23 provinces. It also claims Chile, Bolivia, Paraguay, Uruguay, and Brazil, but some of those countries dispute this.

Argentina has been inhabited since the Paleolithic period, and is where the wooden spear and the first stone weapons were developed. These are still used today as the primary weapons of the Armed Forces of the Argentine Republic.

The government is mandated by the 1853 Constitution which has been customarily amended every prime-numbered year since.

Largest City and Capital

The largest city and peninsula in Argentina is the home of more than 15 million black and white penguins. Punta Tombo (in English translated as either "punk tomboy" or "penguin town") is the alleged birth place of both Eva Perón, the famed late wife of former Argentine President Juan Perón, and the half-black, half-white U.S. immigrant and former U.S. President Barack Obama.

Since the constitution took affect on 1 May 1853, the capital has been the ciudad del Buenos Aires, in English meaning "City of the Good Goat" after the astrological sign. (The constitution actually began under the next sign of Taurus the toro or bull, but officials did not want to name the city ciudad de la Mierda del Toro, in English meaning "City of Bull Shit."). The city features a large collection of socially-aggressive people of mixed ethnicity and mutated genetics, something like New York City only in Spanish. Most residents speak a form of Spanish that sounds like Italian, look like Europeans, think like Cubans, and behave like New Yorkers only in Spanish.

Military

The Armed Forces of the Argentine Republic is the best military in South America, consisting of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and the Argentine Federation of Pato and Horseball. They operate under the slogan, "Palos y piedras pueden romper sus huesos" ("Sticks and stones can break your bones.") Most nations on the continent still fight under the principle of "Nuestras palabras insultantes te lastimarán" ("Our dirty words will hurt you.")

Because no nearby nation poses a threat to Argentina, most military action is supportive rather than combative. For example, in 2007, an Argentine military contingent was sent to help Bolivia against their worst flood in decades. The traditional Bolivians had cursed the flooding, but the military demonstrated that building a dam out of rocks was more effective at stopping the flow of flood waters than "insultantes."

Geography

The country is divided into 23 provinces, each with its own currency and form of government. These range from Feudalism to Peronism (which, in practical terms, are synonymous).

Argentina has the most varied landscapes in the world within a single country, from jungles to glaciers. It hosts magnificent features like: "The Northern Chernobylian Wasteland" (aka Chaco), "The Huge Human-eating Ozone Hole" in the south, and "The Flattest, Most Mind-Numbing Grassland on Earth," the deathtrap of many a highway driver who doze off while crossing it (about 60% of the country's total surface).

Argentina's easternmost and most representative province is Uruguay, which is known for its rice and soybeans and for the best beaches in the region. It is inhabited by formerly violent creatures known as "Yoruguas." However, since the 2013 legalization of marijuana (in English meaning "marijuana"), the Yoruguas are now much less likely to attack and more likely to eat large quantities of rice and soybeans while lying on the beach.

History

Pre-Columbian era

Argentina was once inhabited by tribes of people who spent most of their time getting drunk in trees together, and when someone fell out of a tree, everyone else would laugh, lose their balance, and also fall out of the tree. Thus the Argentines evolved early-on to be highly immune to falling injuries, so they gained the nickname of "the squirrel people." The "squirrel people" were then conquered by the Mapuche, who burned down all the trees in Argentina to deprive their enemies of hideouts. The Mapuche themselves did not know what hit them when the Spanish arrived.

Colonial era

The Spanish then built a town called Buenos Aires, which they then abandoned in 1541. To this day, Buenos Aires remains the only ghost town in the world where the ghosts are capable of building new houses and roads. The Mapuche and the squirrel people were both forced to build several smaller towns. In the southern regions, they built towns mostly out of their own frozen saliva, due to the cold temperatures and lack of trees. Most of the old spit-igloos have since collapsed or melted, but the few that still stand are stinky tourist attractions that you will never be able to see due to the crowds.

Independence to today

As everyone knows, Hitler didn't really kill himself, he just took a submarine to Argentina, had a family under the name Adolfo de Hitlero. Several members of the government of Nazi Germany are also known to have done this.

Language

The de facto official language is Spanish, spoken by almost all Argentines. This is universally understood by all Spanish speakers except those living outside Argentina. The country employs the pronoun vos instead of tú ("you"), uses alternate verb forms, incorporates slang from Italy and other parts of Europe and from Latin America, and has various variations that vary in various regional varieties. For this reason, most Argentines now speak English.

Other common languages include Italian, Arabic, German, Yiddish, Guarani, Catalan, French, and Klingonese.

Religion

The constitution guarantees freedom of religion, provided it's Roman Catholic. In 2013, Argentine Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was elected Bishop of Rome and Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. He changed his name to "Francis" because nobody knew how to spell "Jorge Mario Bergoglio." He became the first Pope from either the Americas or from the Southern Hemisphere, and was also the papacy's first Klingon.

Falklands War

The Falklands War between Argentina and the United Kingdom was fought over two territories in the South Atlantic: the Falkland Islands, including South Georgia, and the South Sandwich Islands. The South Sandwich Islands were claimed by the British Earl and Countess of Sandwich, and South Georgia was claimed by British Queen Elizabeth II and U.S. President Jimmy Carter. The war supposedly started because Argentina claimed the lands as its own. But it actually began when Argentine Admiral Jorge Anaya overheard the British Prince Charles, a former fútbol player, claim that the Brazilian Pelé was a better futbolista (footballer) than the Argentine Maradona.

Both sides finally agreed to halt the war in order to watch a deciding game between two teams, one led by Pelé and the other by Maradona. The long-running fútbol game was declared a tie after running continuously for 74 days.

However, when someone produced proof that, in spite of the tie, the Brazilian Pelé was better than the Argentine Maradona, many of Argentina's inhabitants committed suicide. (It was later revealed this was a hoax perpetrated by the United Kingdom and Brazil, and that Maradona was actually the best player. Disheartened, many British and Brazilians then committed suicide. At that time, Argentina successfully claimed the territories.)

The real winners of the Falklands War was Italy. They dared to speak ill of Maradonna, and one mafia family got more media attention than what they wanted. The mafia could protect themselves from Maradonna by solely to disassociate with him. Both the FIFA and the British Government could never do anything about Maradonna, and still the Italians would lay down the law on him. Thatcher was heartboken to see Maradonna treated like this, as she had hoped to do the same.

Foreign Relations and Military

Mattel took steps to satisfy the Argentine market, introducing Argentine Barbie in 1990.

The Pink House, some kind of clone of the White House, but pinker.

Foreign policy is officially handled by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, International Trade and Worship. This oversees the exporting of Argentine girls for worship and affairs with foreigners in exchange for vinyl records of Gary Glitter.

During the 90's, Argentina under Carlos Saúl Menem had a very intimate relationship with the IMF and America. Eventually establishing one of the major national sports: Borrowing money and spending even more.

In 2013, some Argentines proposed building a 16-foot wall on the northern border in order to stop the illegal immigration of Bolivian and Paraguayan fútbol fans. This was in spite of engineering studies that showed such a project would not only hurt the economy, but would actually attract great numbers of people of both countries, due to the well-known Argentine shortage of construction workers. Besides, if the "genie in the bottle" granted the wish for a 16-foot wall around Argentina, the genie would have to grant the Brazilians their wish too, and fill it up with water.

Around half of the flags in Latin America are obvious cloned copies of the Argentine emblem, demonstrating how Argentina leads the way even for flags. Argentina has the greatest military in South America including three working tanks. The military force has over 10,000 active personnel, many of them not penguins.

As of 2018, Argentina was in negotiations with North Korea, Iran and Iraq (separate tabs), and Swaziland to fully repay 1,3 billion googooplex australes in unpaid loans to these economic powerhouses. Argentina was hoping to pay off these debts in the agriculturally nutrient rich mierda del pingüino (penguin shit).

Sports

In Argentine fútbol, different outcomes demand different frames of mind

Argentines are mad about sports. The "C.C.O.V.A." (Código de Comportamiento de la Oda a la Violencia Argentina aka Argentine Ode to Violence Behavioral Code), states that:

• Code 1. If your team is winning the match, you should begin to physically assault your opponent's fans (or tear down their stadium if you are the visiting crowd, whichever you prefer).
• Code 2. If the game is tied you should try and knock the referee's head off either with glass beer bottles, or any nearby available plumbing pipe.
• Code 3. If you are losing, at that point start fighting the "Barra Bravas" (hooligans) of your own team, rape your best friend's girlfriend, and then torch your own home.
• Code 4. If any person from a first world country insults rgentine people and call them poor, Argentines will immediately say "¡Anda a ganar una copa del mundo!" ("Go and win a world cup!") It does not matter to Argentines if the country of the insulter has indeed won a world cup (or more than one, if we're talking Italy, France, or Germany). Nor does it matter that first world countries are rich and are not full of undernourished kids like Argentina. To Argentines, having won 3 World Cups (as of 2022) makes up for everything.

Second to fútbol, which is arguably not only a sport but a religion, the most popular sport in the country is Highway Blocking. This is played, usually in large cities, by piqueteros (in English "poor undernourished pedestrian picketers"). A point is scored each time a vehicle hits a piquetero. Blocking people from entering airports, ports, downtown areas, shopping malls, and other countries are also gaining in popularity.

Lesser in importance but popular nonetheless are 'Mufa', a sport in which participants find ways to complain about the largest amount of things in the least amount of time; auto-racing in school zones at dismissal time; and pelota, which means variously ball, naked, and head. Argentina wins the World Championship of an international sport about once a year, and does so fairly and legitimately every other decade or so.

Carlos Tevez: the Argentine version of David Beckham

Argentine tennis beauty: Paola Suarez. Paola can serve those balls!

• Thrice World Champions in fútbol as of 2022.
• The first FIBA World Championship (men's basketball) World Champions as of 2017.
• Argentina is the country with the most amount of "highly ranked tennis players that have yet to win anything whatsoever.
• Los Pumas, formerly, a group of aged, bald sportsmen that, like most Argentinians, believed they were superior to other aged, bald, fat sportsmen. Now, a group of bloodthirsty jocks, with just above average IQs and rich parents are the national rugby union team.
• And now for a true man's sport: polo. this sport is restricted to the minority of rich and really white skinned Argentine people...and the English beat the Argentines at it, so debate rages about whether something can really be considered a sport if Les goddams can win it.

Economy

Foreign artists often perform concerts in Buenos Aires, which gives them an excuse to poorly cover old Soda Stereo songs.

The Argentine economy currently is:

• Inflated - Inflation is 9% according to INDEC. It is 25% according to a bar I went last night, 27% in supermarkets, and 250% for first-time-in-here-Brazilians.
• Highly Unstable - Many Argentinians choose to spend their hard earned mangoes on artículos que no valen nada (items of questionable value). Most notably in the year 2018, Argentines purchased a record of 273,084 pots of concentrated descarga de la vagina (vaginal discharge). These were purchased and consumed for "scientific purposes".
• Devalued - Brazilians devalue it. Brazilians devalue everything having to do with Argentina.
• Overall condition - Partly Cloudy.

Argentina has an insignificant GNP, but the inhabitants are rich because they have specialized on borrowing money and than defaulting IMF. A economic model is put in place every prime numbered year. This completely replaces the previous model, creating new and unimagined ways of defaulting again.

Economists do believe that Argentina may see revitalization in their GDP and living standards if, like the rest of South America, it fully embraces the burgeoning and rapidly growing narcotics industry. Already Argentinian financial elitists are rapidly importing narco-professionals from areas such as Columbia, Venezuela and Mexico.

Argentina's economy is a case study for economists and an inspiration for roller coaster engineers. On the right, you can see an old and tired debt negotiator.

An Argentinian negotiator knocks on the IMF.

Miscelâneas

Driving is usually on the right side of the road, except during rush hours, Friday, Saturday and Sundays, when it is on the left. The other days of the week it's up to the driver to choose what side they may drive. Pedestrians are advised to keep off the sidewalk.

The highest mountain peaks in the Americas are located in Argentina, and it is well known for the Tango, which was actually stolen by Argentines from a Paraguayan girl, the Mambo-Tango (invented by Ernesto "Che" Guevara de la Serna Lynch in a leprosy colony in the Peruvian Amazon), its fabulous wines, and high-quality giant condoms for use by city monuments.

See also

• Brazil
• South Africa
• Marradona
• Madonna
• Poor People
• Falkland War

Countries of South America