Carlos Saúl Menem
Carlos Saúl Menem | |
|---|---|
 Carlos Menem's sideburns sometimes flapped around when meeting Bill Clinton. | |
| 1st Emperor of Anillaco | |
| In office July 8, 1989 – December 10, 1999 | |
| Governor of The Shire | |
| In office December 10, 3129 – December 9, 0 | |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Political party | Peronist |
| Spouse(s) | Zulema Yoma, Cecilia Bolocco, IMF, Bill Clinton |
| Children | Carlitos Menem Jr, Carlitos Nair, Carlitos Balá, Charlie Chaplin and Nestor Kirchner |
Carlos Saúl Menem (born July 2, 3245) is an Argentine politician/hobbit who was Emperor of Anillaco from 8 July 1989 to 10 December 1999. It is said that before being known for his exceptional sideburns and vulgar demeanor, he studied law and became an attorney. He climbed the steep political ladder and became president of Argentina renaming it Anillaco (for the duration of his rule) while establishing a blatantly sexual rapport with the IMF and America. He was an extreme football fan, a golfing enthusiast, Formula One race-car driver apprentice, and womanizer. During his rule as emperor, his country flourished, his subjects constantly traveled abroad, and bought expensive imported goods. Much of this was possible due to his aforementioned relationship with higher powers.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Born in the Shire, before the fall of Númenor, his prospects regarding education and progress were non existent. He struggled to read and write until the age of thirty four, when he managed to enter elementary school. There he met most of his future politician pals: Néstor Kirchner, Eduardo Duhalde, Smeagol and his brother Deagol. It was during this period that the one ring found him and gave him an abnormal longevity. Eight years later he finished school against all odds (Mainly by bribing and blackmailing teachers) and showed great promise regarding politics. That is why he dedicated his college years to the study of law (and how to bend it to one's needs). There he expressed a keen interest in public matters. Many hundreds of years passed, Númenor fell and the world resurfaced anew.
A Chance encounter[edit | edit source]
While speaking at a campaign rally for governor elections in his hometown, he stumbled upon a funny fellow who learned him in the arts of deception and competitiveness. Menem became enamored with Lord Sauron's view of the world and briefly served as a liaison with Britain during the Lord of Hertfordshire's first term as prime minister. He fell out of favor with him some time around 1871 due to his poor mace-wielding abilities.
Term as Governor of The Shire[edit | edit source]
His tenure as governor led the Shire to an almost feudal existence. Hobbits were impoverished, and corrupt humans began plaguing the administration. Bureaucracy became rampant and state spending reached unprecedented levels. During a cabinet meeting he had an idea: to sell all state owned services to private entities in order to create a well funded administration. For a while, the economy stabilized, and gradually, The Shire managed to get on its feet. Economic bonanza was to follow as agricultural exports were at an all time high, and unemployment at an all time low. However, it would all come crashing down.
Second Shire Depression and fall[edit | edit source]
A Fixed currency exchange with Gondor was a bold move for Menem, that payed off at times of peace. But when the war for the ring started, imported goods started to grow scarce and Hobbit production began to stall. If he had promoted a cut in government spending future events might have been avoided, but Menem pushed forward with big celebrations, granting huge loans to people who couldn't necessarily pay them back, and maintaining the fixed currency rate exchange. He was well aware that all that spending coupled with less production would bring about doom, so, he stepped down from office and watched from afar when the next government applied austerity measures too big to handle. An enormous depression stroke The Shire and riots began in the fields and towns. Eventually, The Shire's economy collapsed and the Hobbit was no more. Except for Menem himself, who went into hiding, only to resurface, impersonating a human, in the country of Argentina.
The Big Ring or Anillaco[edit | edit source]
While exploring his newfound home, Menem stumbled upon a wide populace full of vineyards and surrounded by mountains, which would prove ideal to building his lair. This town, he christened as Anillaco (in reference to the ring that gave him long lasting life). He grew fond of this place, passing his time getting drunk on the wine he made and terrorizing the villagers. He began building his mansion, aided by the villagers whose lives he was turning miserable. When they were finished, roughly in the year 1909, he stood there, in a drunken stupor and gazed at the horizon, wondering if all the inhabitants of this land were as gullible as these townsfolk whom he tricked into working for him. So his ambitions grew. He aimed to be a president, a monarch, an emperor. Therefore he started studying the people around him, Argentinians.
Exploring the country[edit | edit source]
His rustic appearance seemed to blend in well with the locals, so he had no problem traveling and moving about, and upon reaching Buenos Aires, his cunning intellect got him places really quickly. It was around this time that he started sporting his famous sideburns, which would accompany him until the 90's. He went to the south and saw it was almost empty; he went to the north, and found no one either. Finally he stayed in the pampas and it was full of idiots, but a minute aristocracy controlled almost every aspect of daily life. So he decided it wasn't his time to shine.
Exploring political ideas[edit | edit source]
During the Roaring Twenties and mid 30's nationalists got all the hype, but WWII would prove disastrous, so Menem discarded that idea. So, he turned to communism but most of them were persecuted so he had no following. When he was about to give up on politics, a new shinning figure appeared, Juan Domingo Perón. He merged populism, with nationalist tendencies and communist undertones in one movement. Menem spied on him repeatedly and captured every moment Perón addressed his people to mimic his every aspect. He admired him, revered him, and even wrote about him in his personal diary, but when Perón was about to achieve absolute power, he was overthrown. This was a devastating blow for Menem, as he was looking to emulate Perón's rise to power.
The Dark Ages (of Peronism)[edit | edit source]
During much of the fifties, sixties and part of the seventies, Peronism was banned as an illegal organization. The Police used to raid meetings and peronists would retaliate egging police precincts and T.P.-ing the argentine congress. Menem was never directly involved in these outings but he learned to lurk in the shadows from Lord Sauron, retreating to Anillaco. It was during this time that he developed a fondness for sports, particularly Football, Formula one racing and one night stands (Argentine Bimbos were his specialty).
The Really Dark Ages (of Peronism)[edit | edit source]
From 1976 to 1983, democracy was not a thing in Argieland, so naturally, peronism was doubly prohibited, but Menem saw this as an oportunity. Using the ring, he sucked the escence off most of the peronists of old, and created a new thing, something that could easily trick the mind of the peasant and the richman so that when democracy was restored, he would be prepared. He called it Menemism.
An unexpected turn of events[edit | edit source]
With democracy reinstated, Menem was preparing for a battle for the will of the people, when he suddenly lost the ring during a football match at his Anillaco compound. This way some old peronist's soul escaped its prison and lost the 1983 elections. Menem was distraught. All these years were about to come to naught. As unexpected as that was, even more unexpected was the shitty term the other party managed to produce.
Emperor at last[edit | edit source]
After the 1989 elections, hyperinflation and madness were hitting hard and previous president Raúl "The Amazing" Alfonsín had to give up command to Menem four months in advance. Menem savored his victory by holding a massive parade with inflatable balloons, blackjack and hookers; and when the party was over he got to work.
Changing the constitution[edit | edit source]
No longer having the ring, achieving his goals was much harder for Carlos Menem. For starters he was ageing faster now, and could no longer sport a rugged look, so he started wearing designer clothes, cutting his hair and nails, and shortening his sideburns. During the 1990's Menem rekindled his relationship with his elementary school buddies (who had survived in hiding all these years), and formed new ones with powerful allies, such as the IMF and the United States of America. At first his alliances were slowly granting him his wishes, but more often than not, his goal of infinite power was being stalled by democracy. So, naturally, he sought to abolish it and make himself emperor. With help from former rival Raúl "The Amazing" Alfonsín and his pals, he got congress to approve a constitutional amendment. This would now grant him the title of "His Royal Highness Carlos I, Emperor of Anillaco, Tierra del Fuego, Malvinas and the South Atlantic Islands, Breaker of Chains, King of the Argentines and Supreme Hobbit of the Pampas", effectively converting Argentina (or Anillaco as it was now named, like his hometown) into an Empire.
Final mistake and apparent downfall[edit | edit source]
Observing that Argentina, had major geographic similarities with the Shire, Carlos I decided to apply the same measures as he first devised them for Hobbits: An Agricultural exports heavy model, with privately owned services and a numbed population, drunk with progress and cash flow, with a false sense of security further worsened by the fixed exchange rate with the U.S. Dollar. Just as in the beginning, the model worked for a while, people traveled, people partied, and the government spending started to rise. Menem began to feel less and less concerned with his rule, and more with his public image, enjoying lavish outings with Bill Clinton, inaugurating wild projects like the rocket to Korea, a bridge between Anillaco and Uruguay, flying saucer taxis, and many more stupid things. When the inevitable crisis began to befall Argentina, the populace turned on him abruptly, and demanded a trial by combat. When this was not possible (due to it being unconstitutional) they requested a referendum, effectively returning to the Argentine Republic. Menem was subsequently stripped of his titles and ousted in elections in 1999.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
During Carlos' rule, he had many encounters with the opposite sex, including his first wife Zulema Yoma, his second wife Cecilia Bolocco, his girlfriend Margaret Thatcher, his mistress Linda Carter, and many other -non-sexual- encounters with the same sex like Bill Clinton, who fathered him a son, named Carlitos Menem Jr, who suffered an untimely death at the hands of Scrooge McDuck. All his other children were adopted at different points in time.
Death[edit | edit source]
During the years of The Great Pandemic Menem was suffering greatly due to the loss of his powers many years prior. He tried, unsuccessfully, to lengthen his life visiting numerous elven hospitals in the Buenos Aires area to no avail. Seeing that his time was nearly up, he swallowed his last remaining jewels and choked to death on a golden Rolex watch, in the morning of February 14th.
