One-night stands are a useful invention which help pop-culture icons and people that only exist in the telly to have free sex with a perfectly acceptable mate and absolutely no consequences at all.
A One-Night Stand[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, and as the name suggests, a one-night stand is not a piece of furniture. The term "one-night-stand" didn't appear until the '80s, but the concept has been around for approximately 3000 years.
Recent archaeological finds have discovered that the Egyptians first put the One-night stand into practice. During harvest festivals, men and women would suddenly disappear, later discovered to have had sex then never spoken again. The Pharaoh thus dubbed them "One-night stands", as Egyptians enjoyed sex standing up.
Meeting your one-night stand[edit | edit source]
One-night stands are not hard to find, as pathetic, easy, or grief-stricken women are everywhere, ie. bars, clubs, parks, your bed. Once you have found your one-night stand, you must find a way to approach her with the proposition of sex. It may be unwise to make your intentions of never seeing her again known. However, you are probably fairly drunk, so you may need to write yourself a note so you don't let it slip while telling your one-night stand of your exploits as a paramedic fireman who moonlights as a stunt bike rider.
The best place to write this note is in an obvious place, such as your forehead. In block capitals from a giant black marker. Not only will this make you extremely sexy, it will also show your one-night stand that you are responsible enough to make sure that you remember what is important, regardless of whether or not what you are remembering works out to her advantage.
Getting to know your one-night stand[edit | edit source]
Don't. It will only make you feel bad while you quietly sneak out of her bedroom at six in the morning.
Getting your one-night stand to have sex with your hideous ass[edit | edit source]
There are three ways to get a one night stand. Each method has its advantages and disadvantages. For example, the Old-fashioned way is not as likely to get you laid, but it's generally considered more respectable and *ahem* permissible by law.
- The Old-Fashionned Way (practiced for centuries)
- Find suitable female. Actually, any female is okay. As long as she has a vagina or a "snatch", she passes inspection. Breathing is optional. Now remember: it's a one-night stand and since you're not using special substances to aid your cause, you should probably lower your standards. If she's attractive but has AIDS, good for you, because nobody cares if you catch a deadly incurable disease anyway.
- Get her to like you. Do this as you would with a girl you would want to have a relationship with. Say you just inherited millions of dollars and have to get it worked out with your grandmother's lawyers so you can start spending it. Explain that your car is so crappy because your Ferrari was T-Boned by a drunk driver and your Mercedes is in the shop. If you want to get her sympathy, tell her you have an inoperable tumor and will die in a matter of weeks. If she has another incurable STD, tell her you're willing to have sex with her (trust us, that's enough). These techniques, used properly, will ensure that even the most acceptably unattractive women will do you the same night she met you.
- Find a suitable room to have sex with her in. If she already knows that you don't plan on ever seeing her again, go ahead and do it in a public bathroom with crabs on the toilet seats, or the janitor's closet. If she is still under the delusion that you may have a relationship, convince her to let you go to her apartment, and if she refuses, find a cheap motel room or take her to a friend/ex-girlfriend's house.
- The Slighty Disreputable Way (also practiced for centuries, with minor variations)
- Find suitable female. Using this method, you can probably aim slightly higher than with the old-fashioned method. This method will rarely be applied on a date, and is more commonly used in clubs and bars.
- Buy her plenty of drinks while you do the same thing as you would with the old-fashioned method. The more drunk she is, the more believable and impressive your bullshit stories are. You can also try to convince her she's unattractive and that you're doing her a favor. No method is too underhanded. You're already using substances on her.
- Find a suitable room, as before. If you can't find one, go ahead and do it in your car. Tell her it's a Corvette if you want; she'll believe you, despite the fact that what she sees in front of her is obviously a 1979 Ford Pinto.
- The Extremely Disreputable and Quite Illegal Way (practised by cave men, Americans and some modern men)
- Find any female. As long as she's single, it's okay. Find the hottest single girl in the world if you want. What you are about to commit is a little something called kidnap and date rape, which is not technically a one-night stand by most counts. The only disadvantage of having a hotter girl is having a tougher time convincing the jury to consider your case for even a second.
- Buy her one drink. Make sure she likes it, or else you might be wasting your money.
- Convince her to look away. This can most easily be done by paying a guy who looks like a celebrity to walk by and pointing him out. While she is looking away, slip a roofie into her drink. Don't try and convince her to drink, as she may get suspicious. When she does, wait for her to slump over into your lap. This is your chance to escort her out and look like you're being friendly by driving her home.
- Have sex with her cold, unconscious body. Make sure your clean her off afterwards very thoroughly, or else DNA testing will cause you to be caught for sure.
- The cave man variation of this method was simply to grab her and knock her out, then proceed to follow step 4, with the added benefit of not having to bother cleaning up, since DNA testing at that point was in the same state as Africa.
If all else fails, try Bestiality, and pay the animal not to say anything. Unless you live in one of 18 United States that allows it (like Arizona) Belgium, Germany, or Denmark(there may be more) in which case Nobody cares
Preventing follow-up[edit | edit source]
For the first two methods, this is easy. Leave her apartment or the motel room before she wakes up. For a real slap in the face (if you're in a motel room), make her pay the bill. Make sure you didn't give her a way of contacting you. Getting her phone number under the ruse that you will call her later probably isn't a great idea. Throw her off with fake phone numbers and addresses (not the number of anyone you know, she may use them to track you down). Make sure you don't go to the place where you met her for a while, or ever.
For the third method, unless she's extremely insecure, which she probably is (you just raped her and she's very confused), she'll try and track you down. Also, she has the law on her side, so you might need to flee to Mexico. It's not cliched at all to flee to Mexico. If you don't flee to Mexico, make sure you're pretty rich and can afford an incredible legal team. History has proven that a good lawyer can turn an obvious conviction into an unsure acquittal.
Also, use condoms. She may end up tracking you down to pay child support if you accidentally give her an STD.
Luckily for the cave men, policemen were still too busy chasing Flintstones to bother listening to sob stories from women who should know better than flaunting their sex-specific assets near horny cave men.
Patting yourself on the back[edit | edit source]
Go ahead. Congratulate yourself. If you feel bad for your one-night stand for even a second, you'll be tempted to try and make things right. If you got her phone number, throw it away immediately or you'll want to call her up and apologize for leaving so early and explaining that you had to go to work on a Sunday at 7:00 AM and couldn't have left a note because a carjacker stole your car which had your notebook in it, which was also why you had to leave so early because you had to jog back home and explain really quickly to your wife (you could leave that bit out if you want) that you were jumped by mafia men and knocked unconscious and have to get changed and ready for work. Actually, burn it so you aren't tempted to go to the dump and fish through tons of garbage to get it back so you can make her feel better.