HowTo:Crash Your Dad's New Corvette
Not only does the car need to be crashed...but your dad completely deserves this! Here are some simple steps, plus alternate plans, to assure maximum crashedness from your dad's Corvette.
About Your Dad
Your dad is a regular guy. He works all day, comes home at night. Likes to relax with a bucket of bourbon. He hates his job and hopes you grow up just like him.
And, he's always complaining about money.
Last Christmas, your dad bought you some socks and an old tennis ball. He said times were hard, and he couldn't afford to get you anything better. Maybe for your birthday.
For your birthday, he got you a dead rat and a half-empty box of toothpicks. He called it a theme birthday, and complained some more about money being tight.
You fell for it.
About the Corvette
A few months ago, after your mom left, your dad started acting all weird around the other moms in town. He started talking about the girls at work. He spent a lot of time looking in the mirror.
Three weeks ago he bought a brand new Corvette Z06, cherry red. And a hair piece.
This is a sweet ride. It looks fast, even when it's parked. The best in American milk - it's fast, loud and burns through gas like a wildfire through a prairie.
Its engine is a 427 all aluminum, pushrod V8, 505 horsepower and 475 footpounds of torque, 10.9 compression ratio and overhead valves. It will do zero to 60 in 3.5 seconds.
Your dad spends all his spare time cleaning it, waxing it, driving it slowly through town, and blindingly fast down the freeways. You're not allowed to touch it, or even look at it for very long. You've been told you will never, ever be allowed to drive it.
The Basic Plan
Your Dad totally sucks! WTF? He gets a shiny red Corvette, and you get tube socks? He deserves anything that happens to him - and you can tell him the Sysops at Uncyclopedia say so! They're so rich, they'll gladly fight your lawsuit.[1]
Stealing the car
After bragging to all your friends for the last week or so about how you're going to crash your dad's Vette, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. If you don't have a driver's license, don't sweat it. You're already going to be charged for auto theft, speeding, hit-and-run, disturbing the peace, and, depending on what you crash it into, maybe assault or even homicide. But, hey...it's just a harmless prank, right?
Location
It doesn't really matter where he keeps the car. You live with him (or are forced to live with him alternate weekends) so find the keys. They should look like the house keys, but they'll have a Corvette symbol on them.
Timing
The best time to crash your dad's new Corvette will depend on two factors:
- Not getting caught
- Making sure he knows you did it
That second point is important, and up to you. If you're a bit Emo and want him to know how pissed you are, just hang out with the demolished car after the deed. If you're at all smart, you'll make sure you have an alibi.
Taking all this into consideration, the best time to take the car would be when your dad is at work, in a pub or with a hooker (or all three simultaneously).
Crashing the car
Now we get to the heart of the plan, and the most difficult. The basics are easy - start the car, put it in gear, drive into something bigger and less likely to move than the car (Or something that is likely to move, but in the opposite direction, such as an oncoming bus (see below)).
But the devil is in the details.
Assuming you can start the car, you'll have to get it in gear. And not only first gear - the car is made of plastic, but we want it totalled, not just dented. If you've never driven a stick shift, go out and steal a few to practice on. When you can drive over the speed limit without the engine sounding like a hornet's nest - you're ready.
What to drive in to?
Most angst-ridden emo teenagers choose their own school to crash into. Unless you want to get caught, most experts would argue against this. Alternatives include: another high school, someone's house, a random tree, or Rosie O'Donnell.
Now, the actual crashing.
This is the part that separates the men from the boys, the leaders from the followers and most likely, your leg from your torso. Get in that brand new Corvette, bought with money that SHOULD have gone to buying you a Wii PS3 xBox 360 new computer porn and unspoiled food. Start it up. Feel the rumble of 400 horses that will never run again. Step on the clutch, shift into first, pull out into the street. Drive toward your target. Accelerate. Second gear. Faster! Third, fourth gear!! There it is, coming fast. Fifth gear - the engine is roaring with power!!! Your target, looming large. Don't touch the steering wheel, or you'll flip this thing like a cheap burger. Over 150 miles per hour. The world is a blur. All you see is your target, framed by the Corvette's vibrating windshield....
Boom
It's crashed. You're showered with safety glass and surrounded by an airbag. You can't feel your legs.
When you see your dad again, calmly tell him how he should spend the insurance money.
The Backup Plan
Just in case The Basic Plan didn't work (or it did, but now your step-dad bought a new Corvette) here is The Backup Plan.
For this plan to work, make sure you are in an action movie. Be sure to check HowTo:Survive a Horror Movie to see if you are, and make sure to read up on special effects.
Once you know you're in an action movie (and not some romantic comedy crap) your plan is simple. Leave your dad's Corvette in an intersection through which the bad guy will be chasing the good guy. One of them will have a Hummer or a truck or a locomotive, so the 'vette can be considered toast.
The Backup Backup Plan
Assuming you're not in an action movie (and who has time for those any more?) and can't find a way to steal the car, you'll have to go with Plan C. This is Plan C:
Plan C: Crash Something Into Your Dad's New Corvette
By reversing the original plan, this plan leaves somewhat more to the imagination. As such it should be perfect for artists, musicians (even drummers) and other creative types. Please note that this is NOT Russian Reversal. We're crashing a Corvette, not a Yugo!
Step One: Choose the Crashing Object
In Step One, we'll choose the crashing object. If this is to be a rush job, another car might be the perfect choice. Find out where your bastard dad parked his 'Vette, and drive someone else's car into it. See the first section for details. Any car will do, as Corvettes are mostly plastic.
If a car won't work, or you can't find one, or you're only a meter tall, you'll need to find something else. A few ide as:
- Large Boulder - One of these will completely smash a Corvette. Find one as big as you are, and you can take out the garage, house and most of your neighbors. You'll have trouble moving it, but the results will be spectacular! The Evening News will feature it...maybe even Uncyclopedia!
- Small Cat - Not much damage to the car, but easy to move. If you lower your expectations from "crash the car" to "make the car really smelly with ruined upholstery" this might be the solution for you! Lock a cat in the car overnight...or for a few weeks if possible...and watch the fun. It's a good idea to throw in some mice. This makes the cat go a lot more berzerk and it also makes sure the poor thing doesn't starve.
- Rosie O'Donnell - Lot's of crash potential here, just look at her last show! The main problem will be to get Rosie to run fast enough into your dad's new Corvette to do any real damage. The age old trick of telling Rosie that there's food in the car will not work! Too many people have tried that for her to fall for it again. You'll have to get her into the area by telling her there's a TV Producer in your back yard. Once she's down the block, scream out, "Rosie! There's a naked lesbian in that red Corvette, and she's covered with doughnuts!" The resulting collision should be heard for miles.
- Meteor - This one might take some time, but with enough patience and enough praying to God, you might just be able to make the big guy send one crashing down onto your dad's car. Alternately, if you're atheist, you might be able to call in a favor or two from Sephiroth. It's a good idea to place the car either in the middle of nowhere or in a place you don't like, because all that's going to be left is a smoldering crater.
- Tornado - Slightly easier than finding a meteor, just park the car in a trailer park and let nature take its course.
- KrAZ army truck - This'll tear through the Corvette for sure, but the only problem is that you need to either go to Ukraine & get one or have it shipped over, which will take some time. Once you get one though, just hit the gas & head straight for the 'Vette! If you're lucky, you might even crush the 'Vette due to the KrAZ's HUGE off-road tires & HUGE ground clearance!
- Calculator - The use of a calculator to destroy a car is both extremely obscure and blindingly obvious. All you do it put it in the car, press any number (you can do something like 666 or 13 if you want), then press ÷, then 0, and then =. It should start to shake uncontrollably. You have about thirty seconds to run like the dickens before it explodes. It is recommended you bring along something really fast to get away (Preferably a Nissan Skyline GT-R). No, the corvette does not work.
- Lamborghini - Crashing one of those in your dad's Corvette will instantly destroy both cars because of some random general madness theory. So if your brother bought a new lamborghini, steal it and use it.
- Nuke - Nothing wrong about dropping a nuke on your dad's corvette. However, there are little side effects. It will mostly blow your house and all the far surroundings of the corvette, and that includes you. And there are also nasty things called radiations that might pop out of the nuke+corvette combo.
- Trolley/Tram/Train/etc. - Another effective way to Crash Your Dad's New Corvette, crashing the car into a train or letting the train take the 'Vette out can and will completely destroy the car.
Step Two: Plan the Crash
Each of the above Crashing Objects will inspire its own plan. It will do no good to substitute Rosie O'Donnell for the cat, for instance. She'll just tear up the upholstery and smell up the interior after a few days.
Ditto with the boulder.
Other Ideas
*Explosives Just get a bomb design off the internet. Make sure you perfect it so it wont fire on its own or while your holding it. Make sure you drive the corvette in a park or some open area with as few people as possible. If you set the bomb in the corvette off while its in the house, you might kill your father and who wants to not be arrested and know that your father didn't know what hit him. It doesn't take a college nerd to make a bomb.
- Lighter Fluid This is a simple one. Take the car and drive it onto the street. Douse it with fuel and set it on fire. Then run like hell. Maybe a sticky note around the crime scene with a smiley face and your signature will be enough to make your father know.
- Ditch It Just steal it and leave it somewhere like the ghetto or sell it to the black market. Sell it to your long lost uncle in the tropics for 50$. Its simple but in this case your going to get a brand new WII!
- Beat It With this technique, you may use your friends for this one. Steal some of your dads hard earned money to buy crowbars. Drive it in some alley in the city and beat it till its the size of a compact car. You may want to put this on camera and put it on you-tube. Its a win-win situation where you become a you-tube celebrity and now you work as a bar tender in the Bahamas with a new name constantly proud of what you done.
Notes
- ↑ Probably not.