El Camino

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1970 Chevrolet El Camino.jpg

The Chevrolet El Camino (Spanish for "the camino") is a truck manufactured by Chevy corporation in Mexico in retaliation for Ford putting the far better and especially faster Ranchero in to production. This will be, as usual, the worst accomplishment of chevy of the 60's.

First Generation[edit | edit source]

The first generation of the Chevrolet El Camino was released in 1959. It was essentially a copy of the Ford Ranchero which debuted two years earlier. It only lasted for roughly two years mainly because Chevrolet realized how awesome it was and decided nobody should have it. Meanwhile, the Ranchero continued to make money for Ford well into the 1980s. They were practicing the game plan that they would later use for the Camaro. Namely, wait for someone else to invent a great product, then copy it. Continue to hone the product until it is almost perfect, then discontinue it. Then a week later, tell everyone that you're going to build it again. Make sure to ruin the excitement by hyping it for six years before you build it.

The worldwide El Camino popular jingle: "The front is like a car, the back is like a truck, the front is where you sit, the back is where you f$#!" Another jingle, composed by Billy Ray Cyrus is "Business in the front, party in the back, just like my hair."

Second Generation[edit | edit source]

The El Camino again came along in the early 1960s, why you say, well because they couldent get anybody to pay for their other junkers. This generation was much different, you see during the time period between 1960 and 1964 a great thing happened in the Chevrolet production plant for once in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. The Oklahoma manufacturing plant was sadly was placed upon an ancient Indian burial ground, this however had nothing to do with it, for you see a man by the name of Stacy David decided that big engines and a small light body would result in great success, this began a whole chain of events that resulted in the salvation of many cities and the enjoyment of thousands upon thousands of people. It started in 1964, This time around, Chevrolet put the El Camino on a Malibu platform and it would result in the most awesome of all cars "at the time". The cars became smaller with larger engines and started to grow lines and lines of fans who adored and worshiped the El Camino, effectively shutting out the Ranchero. The engines became bigger, the exhaust systems rocked, the steering wheels became awesome, the gas caps were so amazing, the air conditioning was always just right, the car was pure awesome. But soon after, people realized thier false hopes when the ranchero's 351 cleveland engine was banned from nascar when Bill Elliot ran over 200 miles per hour with it.

Third Generation[edit | edit source]

In 1968 a newer body for the El Camino was brought out, it was larger, heavier and also more awesome. The new engines and options began the El Camino revolution and what is now known as one of the best human achievements since the Safety Dance. The engines became bigger, the options became more immense, the cool became more...cool..er...The El Camino was now based upon the Chassis and body of the Chevrolet Chevelle (another awesome story). This new chassis and body prompted bigger and engines which made the El Caminos stronger and more awesome in every way. When 1970 rolled around all of the El Caminos awaited the arrival of their new leader. He was prophesied as being the El Camino of all El Caminos and would lead them to their holy goal of populating the earth. The faithful day in 1970 eventually came. The first Chevrolet El Camino SS 454 to roll off the assembly plant in the Oklahoma was born. The El Camino of all El Caminos was jet black, with a white striped hood, and a hugely intimidating stance. Like every other El Camino, it had enough power to rip tree stumps from the ground but the frame would crack in two if you put more than a six-pack in the bed. This made it the perfect vehicle for yahoos that would later buy all those black Trans-Ams with a chicken on the hood. The SS 454 was orgasmic. Not only was it orgasmic but the prophecies were true, it had gone so fast that if it were to go by a Ranchero or any other Ford, the Ford would fall apart and turn to dust, effectively saving the driver from their hunk of junk. The leader, nicknamed Kickass Jones for his immense kickassness, held secret meetings of the higher up El Caminos. These were often located in car lots around Oklahoma city. It only consisted of the high up El Caminos and these were very few. These meetings were discussions of what they called "the Overrun". The "overrun" being the destruction of the Ford franchise and the rising up of the El Camino overlords. These meetings were continued for roughly two more years when "it" happened.

Fourth Generation[edit | edit source]

The first attack began in the summer of 1973, or as its known now as the EC Home attack. Before the first attack came, Chevrolet began producing a new type of El Camino. A large, strong, beastly machine. Powerful in every which way, a type of super soldier if you will. These super soldiers were produced in record numbers and allowed the El Camino army to become stronger than ever. They struck Oklahoma City first, more specifically the Crystal Bridge inside the Myriad Botanical Gardens. On this day there was an unveiling of a Hylocereus undatus, a highly desirable flower. The Bontanical gardens were packed with thousands of fords and on July 22nd 1973 the first attack came. 38,347 fords died that day, 1,283 damaged. The El Caminos hit precise and with amazing tactics. After this first attack came many more began to arise. Over 500,000 Fords died by the end of the summer. In 1974 The El Caminos gained an opposition, The Ford Ranchero (still crappier). They were heavier and less powerful but had much smaller numbers, they were going to keep North America in exile and try to force people to buy Rancheros, just so they could break down. The Rancheros launched attacks on the El Caminos and vice versa. This became a common thing in the late and mid 70s. Wars were fought, lives and cars were lost for a cause that was not just.

Fifth Generation[edit | edit source]

In the year 1978 while the battles between the Ranchero and El Camino continued, the El Camino switched bodies and chassis again. This new soldier was a quick-tactic recon El Camino, or QREC. This would luckily be the death of the Ranchero. In the year 1979 the battle ended. Ford motor corporation stopped production on the Ranchero and just like that North America became free. It was a great day for people everywhere and once again the happiness continued. The El Caminos had no opposition and it seemed unstoppable (it was and nobody wanted it stopped). The happiness continued for years and the El Caminos began gaining more power. By this time they had taken over all of the United States and the Eastern half of Canada. It was in the year 1982 a Benchmark in the war occurred. Chrysler Motor Corporation release a car by the name of the Dodge Rampage. This may not seem important but it was. You see the Dodge Rampage fell under the same category as the El Camino and Ranchero, a car based truck, or Ute as the Australians call it. This was significant because the Dodge Rampage was incredibly uncool, so uncool infact that overnight it made utes instantly uncool. This was an extremely big hit to the El Caminos since the whole point of this war was to become a bigger and better Ute than the Ranchero (it always was). Now that the Dodge Rampage was released and the Ute bodystyle becoming uncool why was the war needed. The El Caminos retaliated against the Rampage and in a matter of two years they were gone, but sadly for the El Camino it just wasn't in time, Utes were becoming uncool and the SUV was gaining popularity.

Anniversary[edit | edit source]

Fifty years after the first El Camino factory opened, General Motors decided to celebrate their blood thirsty car with an obese American sloth appeal. The new models featured a glove box filled with Hardee's burgers. It actually only came with one burger because one is enough to fill a glove box. Also to fit into the American Dream, everyone who bought a new El Camino would have sex with Paris Hilton (she'll get to you eventually). This then lead to the spread of all 233 STD's around El Camino owners. Experts such as Fred Phelps believe that this was to teach the owners a lesson for allowing the homosexual El Caminos to live in sin. NOTE: There never were any homosexual El Caminos.

Influences[edit | edit source]

The success of the El Camino inspired the El Burro, a half motorcycle half van, and the El Chingate, a half Tricycle half Airplane.

Future of El Caminos[edit | edit source]

It has been rumored that Chevy intends to bring the El Camino back, but due to everyone becoming stupid, it would look nothing like the El Caminos we know and love. They're trucks that look more like bubbles really close to the ground. When the day comes and the new El Caminos are made, it is suspected that the veteran El Caminos will revolt and attack the manufacturing plants of these abominations, despite them being their own kind.

See Also[edit | edit source]