Tesla Cybertruck

Quality.

The Tesla Cybertruck is a fully electric pickup truck manufactured by the progressively woke company Tesla, founded by South African billionaire and technological fascist Elon Musk. This marvel of modern engineering was specifically designed for the sunshine-loving elite who enjoy pretending to be environmentally responsible while ordering avocado toast from the other side of the world.

Cybertruck, with its fascinating aesthetics reminiscent of an unfinished render from a 90s sci-fi movie, quickly became an icon for those who love flaunting their moral superiority. The vehicle’s design, which combines brutalism with an inability to produce straight body panels, primarily appeals to wealthy activists with a tendency to raise their right hand at Pride parades in salute to their corporate god.

Development

Musk's hourly dose of ketamine

One fateful day, Elon Musk gifted himself five times his already astronomical hourly dose of ketamine, dug into his nose, pulled out a pencil, and started drawing. In an ecstatic trance, teetering between reality and hallucination, he was struck by a vision of the perfect vehicle of the future—the Cybertruck.

Musk later claimed that the design was inspired by the famous Lotus Esprit S1 from the Bond movie The Spy Who Loved Me, which sounded impressive on paper. In reality, the final vehicle resembles a Lotus about as much as a brick resembles an aerodynamic sports car. Its angular body, which might have looked futuristic in 1979, was created in accordance with the vision of Eastern Bloc brutalism—or rather, with the inability to bend sheet metal into any other shape.

From the very beginning of development, Tesla faced unexpected challenges. For instance, they discovered that mass-producing a completely flat body wasn’t as easy as Musk had imagined and that if you claim a material is bulletproof, the entire car probably shouldn’t warp under its own weight. Engineers had to figure out how to reconcile a futuristic vision with the reality of manufacturing, which they solved by simply ignoring reality altogether.

The development of the Cybertruck kept getting delayed, but that didn’t matter—Musk continued to promise a revolution, and Tesla fans eagerly waited. When it finally hit the market, the final product was indeed astonishing—not only because of its design but also due to its build quality, which added an element of surprise to every single unit produced.

Release and sales

Cybertruck after 5 seconds of normal use

The Tesla Cybertruck was officially launched on November 30, 2023, marking the long-overdue birth of Tesla’s long-anticipated steel monstrosity, which looks like a failed product of a secret 1980s military program. With years of delays and a build quality best described as "experimental," the Cybertruck reached its first customers in 2024. Those who had ordered it in a fit of fanaticism were, after years of waiting, rewarded with a vehicle that looks like a half-finished prop from a dystopian movie—which is exactly what they wanted.

Although Tesla boasted about having two million reservations for the Cybertruck, actual sales turned out to be significantly more modest. While skeptics merely shook their heads, the devoted subjects of Führer Elon spread his gospel, proclaiming that this machine was perfect, indestructible, and would redefine the automotive industry—even as their doors fell off or the steering wheel stopped working.

The Cybertruck became the vehicle of choice for fanatical techno-fascists who see Musk as their messiah, deluded eco-warriors who love preaching about sustainability while charging their truck from a coal-fired power plant, and simply naïve fools who believe that just because something looks like a tank, it must be a tank. Enthusiasts praised its spacious interior and features—qualities that, incidentally, every ordinary minivan also possesses, except a minivan doesn’t look like a post-apocalyptic metal coffin on wheels.

Pros

The only real positive aspect of the Tesla Cybertruck is its performance. Thanks to an absurd amount of electric torque, the vehicle can launch forward with such force that unprepared drivers may immediately experience an unexpected shift in their life priorities.

In its most powerful variant with three electric motors, the Cybertruck can accelerate from 0 to 100 km/h in approximately 2.9 seconds—a performance on par with supercars. The only difference is that instead of sleek aerodynamics, you get the aerodynamics of a refrigerator.

Cons

Normal thing

If you bought a Cybertruck, you have voluntarily crowned yourself an elite idiot—and paid six figures for the privilege. Whether you admit it or not, every normal person now genuinely hates you.

People will think you're an idiot (and they'll be absolutely right)

Cybertruck isn’t just ugly. It’s a symbol of arrogance, technological fanaticism, and a total lack of taste. If you poured $100,000 into this metal box on wheels, you’re either:

• A woke fanatic who thinks they’re saving the planet, even though this steel monstrosity has a bigger carbon footprint than a fleet of old diesel pickups.
• A brainwashed Musk disciple who blindly believes that any piece of scrap metal becomes revolutionary as long as it has a Tesla logo slapped on it.
• A sociopath desperate for attention, even if it means driving something that looks like a school project by a child with motor dysfunction.

The result? Every normal person—on the road, sidewalk, or anywhere else your Cybertruck appears—immediately thinks: “What an idiot.”

And here’s the problem: not only do they think it, but they’ll act on it. At best, people will just flip you off. At worst? They’ll start throwing rocks at you, or they might even drag you out of the cabin and beat you up. And if you end up in the countryside, where common sense is still a thing, be prepared—someone will take a shot at you.

Nonexistent range

Tesla claims the Cybertruck can go 550 km on a single charge. Reality? Not even close.

• Turn on the A/C? You’re down to 400 km.
• Attach a trailer? 250 km.
• Temperature drops below freezing? 100 km.
• Press the accelerator? Just call a tow truck.

And if this 3.5-ton coffin runs out of battery in the middle of nowhere? Congratulations! You’ve just sentenced yourself to a slow death inside a metal box you might not even escape—because Teslas love locking their owners inside.

Build quality

The Morris Marina, the car so awful that even the workers who built it laughed at it. The Cybertruck is worse.

• Panel gaps so huge you could hide a smartphone in them.
• Doors that only close when they feel like it—and when they do, they often won’t open again.
• Brakes and steering that can fail at any moment—because Tesla’s software is as reliable as an airplane made of cardboard.

The Cybertruck actively fights its driver. Driving it is like playing Russian roulette—you never know if you’ll make it home or end up in a burning wreck.

Higher chance of fire than a grenade with a pulled pin

Ford Pinto. The subcompact car from 70's that exploded in crashes due to a badly placed fuel tank. The Cybertruck is an even bigger fire hazard.

• Massive battery + poor cooling = guaranteed fire, sooner or later.
• Teslas are infamous for catching fire randomly, so you never know when your revolutionary truck will turn into a crematorium.

If it starts burning? Tough luck. The Cybertruck is designed so that firefighters can’t even get inside, meaning it will burn to the ground—and if you’re inside, you will too.

Build quality

Aspect	Morris Marina (1971–1980)	Cybertruck (2024–?)
Panel Fitment	Crooked, but at least properly welded and bolted	Every car is different – panel gaps are random, some panels stick out, others don’t even close properly
Body Material	Thin British steel, rusted quickly but was repairable	Stainless steel that behaves like cheap aluminum foil – bends under pressure, cracks when folded, and catches fingerprints like a shiny coffin
Structural Integrity	Soft body, but at least held together	Cybertruck is literally glued together like model airplanes – panels are not welded but glued, so they just fall off
Doors	Could open by themselves while driving	May never close, may close and never open again, or may just half-close – depends on Tesla’s mood
Interior	Ugly and cheap (featuring wood, and that's actually cool), but had physical buttons and normal door handles	Looks like a psychiatric ward on wheels – no buttons, no handles, just a giant tablet that can freeze at any moment
Steering & Brakes	Awful, but mechanically simple and predictable	Software can randomly disconnect steering and brakes – some drivers have already experienced the horror of losing control
Water Resistance	Rusted, but still worked in the rain	Cybertruck sometimes hates moisture – some units stopped working after rain, others even started leaking from the inside
Windows	Fragile, but normal glass	"Bulletproof" glass shattered during its first public test – some units have cracked on their own
Body Joints	Traditionally welded and bolted	Glued together like a cheap Chinese toy – some owners have already lost entire panels
Overall Quality	Awful, but at least solidly built	Inconsistent garbage – panels literally peel off like old wallpaper, Tesla ditched welding because glue guns are cheaper
Crash Safety	Bad, but predictable – crumple zones existed	No crumple zones, stiff steel means occupants absorb all the impact – possibly the first car that’s more dangerous for you than for others
Off-Road Capability	None, Marina was terrified of potholes	Tesla claims it’s indestructible but owners report getting stuck on mild terrain – also, it’s so heavy it might just sink in mud
Repairability	Any mechanic with a hammer could fix it	Tesla makes repairs hell – even minor damage can total the car due to insane parts and labor costs
Public Perception	You’ll be a total chad driving this rare classic	Woke-ass fascist something – a statement car for people who think Elon Musk is Iron Man

What to do if you bought a Cybertruck

So, you bought a Cybertruck. Maybe you were swept up in the hype. Maybe you wanted to seem "cool". Maybe you believed the untrue statements that it was "indestructible." No matter what your rationale was, you're sitting now in a stainless steel triangle of regret, staring at the massive panel gaps and questioning why your doors don't function.

Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Many have walked this path before you, and there are ways to deal with your predicament. Here are some options:

The Ketamine Overdose

Realizing you've spent six figures on what is essentially a large, poorly designed Hot Wheels car might lead you to insanity. If you're contemplating a ketamine-induced conclusion, I suggest you reconsider. There are better options, like selling the Cybertruck and buying an operational car.

Alternative: As a substitute for ketamine, use alcohol. Not so much that it will destroy your life, but enough so that you will temporarily forget that your truck's software update bricked the whole truck.

Sell It to Some Poor Sap

The next best thing you can do (next to not having purchased it in the first place) is to unload it as quickly as possible before more people figure out what a shit it is.

• Find a Tesla fanboy. These guys will buy anything with Musk's name on it. Mention "Mars-ready engineering" and "AI-enhanced driving" and they'll hand over money.
• Mark it as 'rare and exclusive'. Since Cybertruck deliveries are slow, you can still make some desperate influencer think that it's a collector's item.

• Take it to an art installation. Some modern art museum might want it as an ironic reflection of late-stage capitalism.

Trade It for a Minivan

If you want to keep any semblance of dignity, trade it for a practical car. A minivan may not have "bulletproof glass," but at least:

• The doors open and close normally.
• The windows don't spontaneously shatter.
• People who drive 20-year-old Civics won't be laughing at you.
• Your kids won't be embarrassed to be seen in it (unlike the Cybertruck).

Imagine the sweet, sweet relief of being able to push an actual button to open the door instead of crossing your fingers that Tesla's touchscreen is in the mood to let you in.

Demolish It for Entertainment

If selling it is too practical, why not turn your blunder into an event? The Cybertruck's "indestructible" argument is already a meme, so let's see if it lives up to the hype:

• Take it to a monster truck event and see how long it last.
• Try to whack it with a hammer, like in Tesla's demo. (Spoiler: it dents.)
• Do some target practice on it. The glass might shatter before you even get the shot off. Finish it with M109 HMC

Bonus: You can record it and put it on YouTube and make back some of the cash that you lost.

See also

• SpaceX
• Twitter
• Elon Musk's as of yet unnamed comedy website project