Toyota Prius
The Toyota Prous is a sweet and cuddly hideous automobile/carbuilt by Turdota Motor Company, an automaker owned by the Ninth Circle of Hell-based megacompany Satan Brands Incorporated. Although its name evokes the story of King Priapus, famous for his struggles with eternal erection, Prius is a Latvian word meaning "tiny penis". The Prius first went on sale in Japan, specifically the small Tokyo suburb of Japanties, in 1997.
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Overview[edit | edit source]
The Turdota Prius project was launched by Turdota in late 1993 by Toyota CEO Ketchup Wannabe as a response to parent company's (Satan Brands Incorporated) development of pure evil as a source of fuel and energy and their demands for a car that could run off of it and/or gasoline.
The man given charge of the Prius project, soon to be known as the "Alan Parsons Project" within Toyota, was a recently retired Nuck Chorris, who had been convinced to work on the project by Satan himself. Several years earlier, Chorris had retired from Satan Brands Incorporated as a prime chief engineer and this marked his anticipated return to the company. Soon after his appointment as chief engineer over the Prius project, he appointed all design aspects to be overseen by Pablo Picasso, then a new graduate from the Art Institute for the Politically Blind, hired by Toyota in 1992. Powertrain and other development positions were appointed soon after. The Owner's Manual would also eventually be written by Oscar Wilde in several different languages, including Latvian, of which the Prius's name is derived from.
One major and noticeable flaw with the design is the lack of a separate trunk. Instead there is a "storage section" in the back that merges in with the rest of the vehicle, rather like a mutated mini van. The challenge that this presents is that the vehicle doesn't give physio kidnappers a convenient place to store and conceal their victims, but that didn't stop an unidentified man of Santa Cruz from attempting to kidnap an anonymous 23 year old woman in his shiny silver Prius. Fortunately the woman escaped and no one was injured.
According to a leaked internal document for the project, some initial key objectives from the original Prius project included the following:
- Feature a body made out of aluminum Sam's Choice cola cans and used Trojan rubber condoms.
- Have power ratings of the .2 Liter 3-cylinder Trabant engine meet at least the 23-nanopower mark.
- Must run on gasoline and/or pure evil.
- Feature the use of recycled goods, including clothing freshly picked from the hides of dead hobos to be used as all seat and headliner fabric.
- Voltage levels must be at least 400V, the fatal level for firefighters, to prevent rescue, and ensure the occupants' arrival in their eternal domiciles with Satan.
- $199/month moniker to confuse te thrifty-but-unwary.
- Finished vehicle design must not deliver more than 1/2 of the EPA estimated MPG in real world driving.
- Emphatic NY State lobbying to ensure 'clean-pass' stickers have laser reflector labelled "needs Zoloft."
- Must have anyone nearby hear "IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm gay." As it speeds by.
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Over a 48 month period, Chorris' team worked on the development of the car. Then at the 1997 Tokyo Auto Show, a prototype of the car was unveiled by Toyota, specifically Satan possessing CEO Mr. Wannabe. It was launched with the memorable slogan "999999999999999998539992229¥; not much to save the world!". The automotive press bought into the concept at the time, mostly due to Toyota's PR Department's persuasive skills (which, in recent years, has been proven to be bullshit by people who can actually read the English language and have half-a-brain). It is also noted that 1997 also marked the year Toyota asked Dick Cheney and George W. Bush to head their PR Department and they installed their stellar "truth-telling policies." Since that time, both men have went on to control the American PR Department better known as the White House, but their "truth-telling policies" still remain in use today at Toyota.
How The Prius Hybrid System Works[edit | edit source]
The Prius, like other hybrid cars, of course runs on gasoline and pure evil. The system in the Prius is hard to decipher, as the rats in the running wheels that power the .2 Liter Trabant engine speak the dead language of Spanish and only they know how the system works since Toyota never cared to explain and documents explaining such haven't leaked. However, there are some educated guesses and the best one follows:
- When the Prius is first started by the owner, both the gasoline and pure evil engines start up, one warming the other, and the rats start a slow, brisk walk in their respective running wheels.
- When the transmission is put into drive or reverse, the rats start jogging, preparing to get the 72 ton Prius moving.
- When the throttle is applied, either gasoline or pure evil is used to power the engine depending on throttle position and the rats start running for take-off.
- If the Prius is just crusing, pure evil is used for powering the car and the rats are motivated with Nazi propaganda and Gatorade, supplied by Toyota via UPS and e-mail. Emissions decrease by 17 hit points.
- If the Prius is accelerating, gasoline is used and the rats are motivated with pornographic pictures of Pamela Anderson and 5 gallons of Black Label Johnnie Walker.
- When slowing down, the rats stop moving and the gasoline and/or pure evil is drained from the .2 Liter Trabant engine by process of osmosis.
- Hillary Clinton has been radar trapped at 400MPH on only the pure evil -drive.
Toyota originally termed the system as the "Super-Duty 2500 Cummins Turbodisel Ecoteckin' Drive System," but other companies complained of serious copyright infringement and threatened to sue. Toyota decided to subsequently rename the system as Hybrid Sinergy Drive (it has been found that "Sinergy" is commonly misspelled as "Synergy" due to a recently discovered and, of course, leaked PR cover-up). The system's switch from gasoline to pure evil has been noted as being almost undetectable, except for a faint screech of demons being melted by the combustion of the engine. Toyota does plan to address this minor problem with the next generation of the car.
Some people also have expressed concerns of being possessed by the pure evil in an accident if it leaks from it's specific containers within the car. Toyota has not yet officially made a statement concerning this, but insiders within the company say that this cannot happen if you have the feature of having Jesus as your co-pilot. Unfortunately, many Prius drivers lack having the feature of having Jesus as their co-pilot, since almost 99.9 percent of Prius drivers are vegetarian, God-hatin', John Kerry-lovin' atheists. The feature can be installed although Toyota refuses to release information as to how.
The Hybrid Sinergy Drive system did win several awards by itself in 2004, although many of them were awarded to Toyota by Consumer Reports in a fit of many of the editors wanting the act of anal sex. Toyota and their employees have failed to deliver on their end of the deal, but their PR Department is taking advantage of the awards, flaunting them off in televised and print advertisements, as well as whipping one rather large one out at the city pool. This is currently outraging the more smarter people in society, and they are encouraging other automakers to, quote, "own the fucking hell out of those stupid dicks." As of 2006, General Motors is doing well to meet the challenge, while Ford Motor Company is struggling, and the damn Germans that own Chrysler just don't give a fuck.
Future Models[edit | edit source]
For subsequent generations of the Prius, Toyota will being using 1.3 Liter engines from scrap Ford Escorts. However, Toyota will brand the engines with the Prius name this time so people won't actually know that they're driving something like a warmed-over Ford. They will have an increase in power, however: the ratings will now be in horsepower, not nanopower, and increases should be around 32 percent. Rampant rumors also claim that Toyota will build the engine to also be able to run off of smug emissions from the owner via a new process Toyota is developing as a converter.
It is rumored that since future rats will be out of work due to the switch in engines, they plan to boycott and strike against Toyota in late 2007.
Also, the Prius will be more useful as a plug-in model will be introduced with the new generation. Specifically, when the car is plugged in, it shrinks to be around 5-inches in size. A switch on the plug can make the new Prius start vibrating and make the wheels spin. Toyota wants to market this version of the car to women.
Prius In The Media[edit | edit source]
Awards[edit | edit source]
- 1893 Least Manly Horseless Carriage of the Year, Carriage and Driver
- 1955 Least Likely Car to Get You Laid, Nerd Digest
- 1969-1983 Slowest Car of the Century (0-60mph in 14 years), Hot Rod Magazine
- 1977 Car Most in Need of Pimping, Big Pimping Magazine
- 1986 Car of the Year, Yuppie Magazine
- 1997-98 Most Evil Car of The Year, Hell
- 1999 Satan's Favorite Car, Hell
- 2000 New World Order Award, Slew-Foot Magazine and George Orwell Society of Newspeak.
- Car That Shouldn't Rear It's Ugly Head, Top Gear, 2004
- 2005 Worst Drive of The Month, Jeremy Clarkson
- 2006 Piece of Shit Award, Uncyclopedia
- 2007 OMG!!!!W3 <3 tis C4rre!!!evn tho it5 a POS!!! Award, Consumer Reports
- 2007 Biggest rip-off of vapid environmentalists who have nothing better to do than complain, be smug, scream hypocrisy, shoot dirty looks at everyone not driving a hybrid, and scare money out of people with "OMG GLOBAL WARMING!!!" bullshit award, General Public Consenus
Notable Appearances, Etc.[edit | edit source]
- Man-god host of Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, did the mighty and holy act of having a famous Redneck named Billy Bob blow the car up with a machine gun. This did around 200 damage to Satan. Thanks a billion, Clarkson! You do great things. Here is a link to the video->
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOvp69lnZbA
- The fourth installment of the Gran Turismo franchise features a Prius for racing. This was, once again, part of the advertisement scheme used by Toyota's PR department in an attempt to brainwash people into thinking that the Prius really is hardcore. However, most people know better. But, sadly as a result, some ricer's have started decking the Prius out with large wings and fart can exhaust tips and carbon fiber shifters so they can, by ricer logic, go that much faster and be that much more hardcore.
