~ Captain Obvious on pushing pro American centric viewpoints on Uncyclopedia“What an asshole”
~ Captain Understatement on the previous quote
Some people say that assholes are like opinions, which is categorically wrong. People wipe their assholes regularly, whereas opinions are clingy — more like little balls of shit stubbornly grasping that asscrack-hair, hiding in your nethers and invariably leaving streaks in your undies. Yep, opinions are dingleberries. Assholes are more like electrical outlets — you don't want to go sticking a fork in either one of them.
But you didn't come here to read about anatomy, because let's face it: if you don't know all about your amazing anal orifice and its primary function by this point in time, then no amount of research can save you from your own flailing ineptitude and chronic constipation. Go explode somewhere else; we just cleaned this place up.
Many people are assholes. In fact, assholes come in all shapes, sizes, and colours; the only constant is that they all stink. But if you really want to excel past the level of Asshatitude and rise to the pinnacle of Assholedom, then we'll play Virgil to your Dante Assholeghieri as you join us on our delightful journey through...
Tiny Assholes, or Asshole Minor
Most of the world's assholes fall into this category, which places them firmly in the asshat section of the band. Sheep-people, keeping-up-with-the-Jonesers, slow-passing-lane drivers, weightlifters, meter maids,high school ISS teachers, Fox News "reporters", cock blocks, reality television contestants, incessant gossipers, everyone in the suburbs, eight-year-old boys with earrings, most xBox LIVE users, Paris Hilton, Fred Phelps, and dog show enthusiasts are all Asshole Minors, the hemorrhoids of assholes - only slightly irritating, and when they go away you can almost laugh at them. Uncyclopedia Assholes fall into this category. No, not you.. we're, uh, talking about those other assholes. Ever wander onto a page expecting to find a little blast of humour, or at the very least a moderately intelligible sentence or two, perhaps a slight chuckle, only to discover this?
The Asshole natural habitat
Everyday the Asshole is expanding in population (currently equal to the population of Canada. Not a coincidence). Once restricted to the gladiator ring, high school football games, and gay pride marches, they have now spread to suburbia, causing much disturbance. The only cure to kill an asshole is by ramming a red hot poker up the asshole's asshole. This is easier said than done since Congress passed a bill protecting the asshole from violent treatment. Why, you ask? It's simple. Congress is full of assholes.
Stereotypical Arseholes, or Raceholes
This group takes the basic asshole formula and improves upon it with a hearty dose of xenophobia. Professor Manuel Fisseur of the Human Genome Project lucidly dubbed these people Melaninites. Throwing science at the wall to see if it would stick, they got distracted by NASCAR and just said, "Fuck it." The fact that all of humanity descended from Africa eludes these people as though it were an impossible concept, like basic table manners or the brushing of teeth. Too engaged littering the world with ignorant offspring and finding a suitable patch of dirt to park their Winnebagos, Raceholes drive enough of a wedge into civilization to rank above Asshole Lites. Don't get us wrong, we fully recognize that not all of the Raceholes are white, but some black people are assholes.
The Archdukes of Assholes
This is the upper echelon, baby. The Assholerati, if you will. Here's where Club Asshole gets a bit more exclusive, and chances are that if you're not in it yet, you never will be. Here's a test to see if you could potentially gain membership: Pull up your sleeve and look at your forearm. Is it white? Good! If not, don't worry - there's still a chance for you yet, albeit a somewhat diminished one. This second part is the all-important factor: The Financial Aspect. Are you a multimillionaire? You are? Well congratulations, you have free reign over the entire planet! Go and destroy it in whatever way you see fit. Did you ever want to own a SUV that runs on baby seal blood? Ever dream of cutting down every tree in your town, en masse, and paving over everything to create a One World Mall and Parking Garage? Would you like to own a fifty-seven carat diamond brooch, even after you saw all those photographs of diamond-mining children with their arms lopped off? Really? Welcome home, asshole.
Grand Asster, Class "A" Hole
Here it is, the Crème d'Ass. You must be an extraordinary asshole to rumble the very heavens themselves, grifting millions of rubes for everything they've got to finance your flights of feces. Peddling outmoded paradigms, these televangelists, politicians, satanists, Presidents, corporate behemoths, cult leaders, the mainstream media (HOLY SHIT!!!) are all in it for the money, but even more so for the tremendous power they wield, dividing and conquering, watching you swaying in their wind and drowning in their shit. Hey, that's just what they do. That's what makes them assholes. That's why they get all the pussy, money and power. Yet you do nothing about it. That's what makes you an asshole.
Asshole Personality Disorder
The American Lunatic Association has once again tried to give yet another abomination of society a reason not to accept responsibility for their actions by classifying Assholeness as a disorder. They have therefore classified it in the latest edition of the DSM, also known as Total Bullshit Manual of Mental Disorders, as being a form of Personality Disorder for which there is no cure. This gives people with Asshole Personality Disorder even more reason for their smug little smiles and you more reason to punch them in the face.