Tuvan People's Republic
The Texas of Asia
|Anthem: Actually kind of a bop|
|Capital||Vowel Free Since 1944|
|Largest city||3 Yurts next to each other|
|Official language(s)||Gibberish, Throat Sounds, Russian|
|National Hero(es)||Ghengis Khan?|
|a random day in august(debated)|
|Currency||it looks like monopoly money and only comes in strange denominations|
|Population||2 Confirmed Cases|
|Area||4 Square Yurts|
|Ethnic groups||Steppe Creatures|
|Major exports||Weird throat sounds|
|Major imports||The Tsar's Tears|
|Internet TLD||What's Internet?|
|Calling code||Telegraph Line 3|
|Drives on||They use horses|
Tannu Tuva (Russian: Итс фрее реал естате) known as Mini Mongolia is a nation whose legitimacy is still under fierce debate. Whether it existed or not it was where all the Russian Whites lived during Stalin's reign in the Soviet Union. After the Romanovs faked their deaths, they escaped to the former protectorate of Uryankhay Krai where they simultaneously tricked all three residents that the Russian Empire still existed while they overthrew the government, setting up a possibly fake nation to trick Stalin into leaving them alone.
Some historians firmly disagree with this theory because the Romanovs weren't swole enough to pull off such a feat. They claim that it was in fact a real nation and that it gained independence after beating the Russians in a '1v1' in CS:GO. The alleged match took place in Stalingrad and was played between Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky.
Stalin supposedly played in support of the Tuvans, probably still fooled by the Romanov's puppet government, While Trotsky played against their independance who believed that if it were part of the Soviet Union they would give him a private yurt. If this supposed match did take place it's almost certain Stalin would have won because Trotsky is a wimp and can't handle an ice pick to the brain.
Tuva, at the time known as Uriankhai, had been part of the ceramic Qing Dynasty in china until someone knocked Qing China off a table in 1911 and the whole chinese empire broke into several pieces. Seeing something that wasn't as awful as being chinese slaves, the region declared independance renaming itself as as the Urjanchai Republic.
It was just then when they got a cool new friend called the Tsar. He was really friendly offering candy for the republic to "get in my van" He is also attributed to telling the Tuvans that: "Russia is a most stable nation, one of the least likely to end in revolution..." which was a bluff. Believing they had outsmarted the russians they agreed in 1914 to become a Protecterate of the Russian Empire renaming themselves to the Uryankhay Krai. (Why can't they decide on a stupid name)
Russia collapsed into revolution 3 years later because of some men with pointy hats. The new Russian Republic claimed that their friendship would be everlasting and then immediately kicked the bucket. By 1920 the russians were sick of killing themselves and some guys with mustaches and beards who loved the color red had taken over.
The first thing the Steppe Creatures did upon independence was hold 'The First Great Khural' which was a most modern method of government for that region, first being used in the 13th century. All of their diplomacy was done by a Lama, which is surprising considering that there are no accounts of the Lama spitting on politicians.
The person that took care of the lama, Sodnam Balkhyr, became the de facto head of Tannu Tuva. In 1922 He went partially deaf from injuries to the eyes, brain, and guts. He later reported 'hating lamas' and may have murdered the first lama that ran the country from 1921 to 1925.
Poking The Bear
Don Duke Kuular, a former Lama caretaker with strong ties to the country's many lamas, who became Chairman of the Little Khural in 1925 at 156 years of age, suggested a new policy in 1926.
“We must improve relations with the other horse people [the mongols] by setting our official religion to theirs”
The new religion of Tuva scared the communists in russia who were scared that if they believed in a god he would certaintly punish them for all their atrocities that they all commited on a regular basis. Because of news reaching Moskau in 1929 Donald D. Kuular was sent down to the principal's office for being a 'very naughty boy'.
After Stalin called Donald 'a crybaby and a wimp' and Donald responded with a your mom joke, Stalin went as red as the Soviet Flag behind him while smoke billowed out of his ears. Nobody for sure knows what happened next but the guards at the Kremlin report that Don Duke Kuular went in to see Stalin and he didn't come out again.
Also in 1929 the population of Tannu Tuva dropped by a third, from around 3 to 2. Nobody to this day really knows why. We've even asked the history experts but the russian historians have no clue either.
Oh Those Russians
In 1929 while Kuular was travelling to Moscow the Soviets supported a coup in Tuva that saw Salchak Toka take power. Government officials kept having to tell him to speak up louder calling him 'Sell Check Polka.' Tuvan resentment of russia grew to be really high and eventually 1 out of every three Tuvans disagreed with orders from the Kremlin. Kuular on his way to Moskow was getting frustrated with russian officials when he heard that the coup had happened in his absence.
“Those traitorous russians backed a coup d'etat those absolute braindead idiots. The russians ruined the whole thing and now Tuva's basically just an echo chamber that agrees with whatever the soviets say. I'm SICK OF THE STUPID RUSSIANS AND I'M SICK OF WRITING THIS. THEY JUST RUINED ALL OF MY WORK AND I'M DONE WITH THOSE STUPID TREACHEROUS IMBECILES.”
In WWII some men no longer with pointy hats teleported behind the Soviet Union. This led to an official declaration of war by Tuva which was crinkled up, placed on a plastic spork and flicked to Berlin. Tannu Tuva sent one partially deaf Sodnam Balkhyr to fight the Germans but he just stood around not knowing what to do until some russian soldiers introduced him to vodka.
The soviets had already changed the official script of tuvan language 45 times and they were sure that the Tuvans wouldn't mind being on the Cyrillic Alphabet. So in October, 1944 the soviets were tired of playing cat and mouse with Tuva and decided to eat them for breakfast.
Tuva was a comparable size and shape to the chicken leg of europe and some people got really upset when it was just eaten, but somehow the soviets chowed down without any problems.
Tuva became just another not important place in the already massive russian wastes. Critics say that they weren't important to begin with but we'd like to believe they were.
“Some things just never change do they?”