Tanzania

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hif-bi tu throks - Jibaba la Bongo

(Flag) (King's Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Manyanga Juu! (Tanzanian proverb: "Hide your Bongholes")
National Anthem: Gaath knows the King
Official language	Swahili
Capital	Gongo Es Mboto
Government	Iron Fist and Buttocks Monarch
President	His Excellence Mchakachuaji Van der Kura gonga gonga
National Hero	Maepkang Miti
International Hero	Maepkang Miti
Independence	930 B.C
Currency	Shilling
Religion	Great Religion of Gaath

Tanzania, or Jibaba la Bongo is a mythological East African Country founded by Twelve Bantu Monks, who descended from heaven to Egypt to preach the good word of Gaath. In the year 930 B.C, Gaath needed to spread his teachings, choosing the Twelve Wise Bantus to help him; obviously nobody would listen to them because they were black. In this manner, Gaath believed he would thusly have a justifiable reason to send all humans to hell. Tanzania is now a regional bully, and from time to time, it sends its all-powerful military to rape the neighbouring states of Rwanda, Kenya, Burundi, and Uukumbamabahalarata. Most nations are frightened of Tanzania because they have a muthafuckin' dragon on their flag, which is totally sweet.

Facts in brief

• Currency: shilings, 1 of these shilings = US$ -5000 Boer shillings
• Population: ~ 894,000,000 (including hibernating tree people)+
• Exports: Popobawa Aircrafts, Jumping Baboons, white people
• Imports: Coca-Cola, lost South Africans, Corruption, and Nair

Geography

Located just off the Indian Ocean, Tanzania occupies a mythical territory originally home to indigenous Bantu peoples. The nation has no defined borders, because its king can decide to change them at any given time. It has been rumored that if the monarch does not fart for more than seven days he will annex another country to ward off evil spirits.

Climate

Absolutely hot, we mean like a muthafucka! Damn, it's hot.. Roasting hot temperatures ranging from oven roast to Bosch freezer cold. Periods of mild weather whenever the king pleases.

History

The Ancestral Caves of Makongo

The arrival of Gaath's Twelve Wise Bantus in Egypt so frightened the locals that they exiled them to the "Land of Lions", present-day Tanzania - then uninhabited. Copulation between the Bantu prophets and their Rwandan prostitutes eventually produced the modern Tanzanian people. Power was usurped from the tweleve Bantu when Maepkang Miti, who was almost 78484494576 years old at the time, declared himself "Most Supreme Overlord of the Land of Tanzania and all its Animals and Trees". Maepkang Miti went on to order the rape of Zanzibar and attempted to forcibly integrate it into his kingdom.

To get rid of the wise Bantus (who were regarded as a threat to his power), Maepkang forced them to have sex with a white woman from Frankistan. Soon they began to fight over who was to spend each night with her, and the constant bickering led to spear chucking. All twelve finally bled to death from their self-inflicted injuries. Maepkang's takeover was now complete and he proceeded to rule his throne with an iron fist (and buttocks).

Demographics

Lost South African adventuring somewhere in Tanzania

The demographics of Tanzania do vary by location. Depending on the month or season, tourists are less likely to encounter indigenous residents, over half of whom spend their days hibernating in the Makongo caverns. 90% of Tanzanians are the children of the Wise Bantu; 2% are offspring produced from their brief interlude with the Frankistani woman. Of the remaining citizens, -20% are Cherokee Indians, -80% are just plain Indians, and 6% are whites with direct European ancestry - a figure which is shrinking daily thanks to their status as a favoured delicacy. Everyone else is irrelevant on the census charts, but they allegedly include lost South Africans and Zimbabweans who never found their way home before dark....in addition to Jakaya Kiwete (the famous thief of votes and enemy of democracy).

Culture

Tanzania's culture is predominantly Bantu in nature. Europeans are cooked for mating rituals and national holidays like the King's Birthday, since eating settlers left over from failed colonial invasions in the past is believed to reverse a curse the Twelve Wise Bantu once placed on the land. Every year Maepkang Miti's birthday is celebrated several times by the mass slaughter of 385474475 toads, 838348447557 Goats, 7988896855 Cows, 808786 Doves and 2 white nationals. While the executioners go about their heady work for a month, royal drummers strike up a beat day and night without going to the bathroom. Most Tanzanian males must have 4576 wives per lifetime, and married/unmarried women are encouraged to retain their virginity until 83 years of age at the least.

Tanzanians on the way to their ancestral caves

Politics

Local politics are entirely dominated by King, His holiness, King of Kings, Sultan of Sultans, Grand Master and First and Principal Knight of the Most Excellent Order of the Gongo la Mboto, Knight of the Order of Yemen, Additional Member of the Order of Kenya, Extra Companion of the Grand lord Gaath, Royal Chief of the Order of Popobawa, Extraordinary Companion of the Order of Rwanda, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British, Roman, Mongol, Japanese Empires, Extraordinary Commander of the Order of Military Might and Iron Buttocks, Lord of the Most Honourable Privy Council, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Gaath, Lord High Admiral Field Marshal, Lord of the Seas of Tanzania and everywhere especially the Indian Ocean, VC, DSO, DDT, UPS, AAA, MC, Dragon of Prague, Lord of Plywood, Sheetrock, Concrete and Other Panel-Like Building Materials, Big Daddy Maepkang Miti..

Elections are outlawed, but many citizens are unable to vote in any case on account of their annual hibernations in the Makongo Caves.

Military

Tanzania's national military consists entirely of 86675574 royal bodyguards, depending on who shows up for work on any given date. An inventory of the country's total defence arsenal was published in 2020:

• 3 Walther PPK Pistols
• 1 Winchester Repeating Rifle
• 15 Catapults
• 1 Wooden Canoe
• 8 Spoons
• 3484484 Popobawa Aircraft

Police

Since Maepkang Miti's ascension to the throne, there has been no form of law enforcement in Tanzania whatsoever - only the king's private security team counts. The government has suggested more than once that commoners are perfectly free to settle their own problems/injustices.

Foreign Relations

Tanzania is decidedly belligerent on the international scale - the king is known to have little patience with foreign affairs. In 1995, he went so far as to open hostilities with Norway. Only with the mediation of Bjork was war narrowly averted, sparing the latter from a humiliating defeat.

National Holidays

Cheetah Riding is a popular sport in Tanzania

Aside from the King's Birthday, there are few national occasions which are openly recognised. Worship services for Gaath are held in churches every Sunday.

Uniquely Tanzanian Laws and Restrictions

1. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
2. It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
3. Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
4. All black cats must wear bells around their necks on Friday
5. No seducing unmarried women
6. No Cow riding while drunk
7. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless said target is a whale.
8. Women may not drive in a house coat.
9. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
10. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday under the threat of arrest, fine, rape, and/or jailing.
11. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
12. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
13. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
14. It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
15. Only the missionary position is legal during sex.
16. It is Illegal to shoot rabbits from a motorboat.
17. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
18. Liquor stores may not sell milk.
19. It is against the law to throw a soccer ball at someone's head for fun.
20. A license must be purchased for hanging clothes on a clothesline.
21. The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
22. Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
23. It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
24. It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
25. It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
26. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
27. It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
28. It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
29. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
30. Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by Bjork.
31. It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
32. It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.

Famous Tanzanian Citizens

• Bill Cosby
• Jakaya Kikwete

• Freddy Mercury

• Oprah Winfrey
• Michael Jackson
• Mwendazake

Tanzanians better left unmentioned

• Jeetu Patel - our beloved pal, first man to explore the hidden world of Tanzanian corruption.
• Uncle Barney Dumpling Sushi Guy - first South African to spend over 10 years in Kigoma; he was awarded a cow and a bag of potatoes for this amazing feat.
• Mama Afrika Pilipili Mbuzi Sana!!! - sorry 'bout that, folks, my hamster got exited.
• Mr. Kazabubu - oh sorry, he's from Denmark.
• Kenge bin Makende
• Muuza Nyanya
• Robert Mugabe - oh sorry, he's from Rhobabwe.
• Bongo Bamba Bamba Bibi Babu Bebubabubiii - Well he doesn't really exist, yet.

See Also

• Zanzibar
• Maepkang Miti King of Kings and Supreme Ruler of Tanzania
• Bantu
• Hyena
• Caveman
• White Tanzanians
• Black Tanzanians

Countries of Africa