Sarawak
Sarawak Bumi Bulatan Saghawak, white hair land | |
|---|---|
| Anthem: Aku berak kinek tok | |
| Capital | Anjing |
| Official language(s) | Bahasa Sarawak, Borneo English |
| Government | kleptocracy |
| Yang Berhorny Pe-Khin, CMS boss | Datuk Patuk Abdul Tahi Mamommoth aka ATM Jackie Chan |
| National Hero(es) | Tahi, Belasai, Anita Sarawak, Wan Tan Mui, Pun Juga |
| Currency | Sarawak white hair |
| Religion | White magic, Tuak, Gambir, Langkau, Jessica Alba, KologMe |
| Population | 2.5 million orangutans |
“This is the place where I've lost my anal virginity.”
“Sarawak lost its title "The Land of Headhunters to Iraq".”
“Even the mosquitos tried to rape me”
Sarawak is a tail-shaped country in the north of Borneo; formally it is still illegally in the Federation of Malaysia, although its people occasionally think they are independent.
History of Sarawak[edit | edit source]
Sarawak has no ancient history. It was first colonized by Charles Beruk in early 19th Century, who found Malays and Ibans revolting against sultan of Brunei whose younger brother Jefri was disturbing them with his racing cars and wild drinking parties. Charles Beruk offered sultan to quell the rebellion if sultan gives him some land. Charles Beruk found out that the rebellion had nothing to do with prince Jefri's extravagant activities, rather Malay and Iban men were revolting because of lack of men. Charles Beruk immediately brought in 500 young gay men from England and the rebellion was quelled. In 1941 Sarawak was captured by Japanese who brought in bukkake, doraemon, dragon ball, manga and anime. Japanese were forced to leave in 1945. Locals soon adopted bukkake to become ejaculation on men's faces rather than women's. After that the happy British gay men returned and ruled the country for another 22 years when it was handed over to Malaysia. After the departure of British Sarawakians became discontent again. To reduce dissatisfaction among locals, Malaysians introduced the pondan system, flooding town streets with ladyboys. In 2005 first gay marriage in Sarawak took place, soon followed by another. All gay marriages so far have been Malay.
Ethnic and Religious Composition[edit | edit source]
Sarawak's populations consists of Ibans (30%), Chinese (25%), Malays (20%), Orks (10%) and smaller ethnics such as Melanau, Bidayuh, Hobit, Kenyang, Penan, Orang Ulu, Orang Utan, Kayan and Kelabit. Ibans used to be known as headhunters or 'pengayap'. Their literacy rate is 2% and they are mostly Christian. All of them are required to get their first sexual experinece from priests by 15th paragraph of Sarawak constitution. Chinese are pain in the ass. Their only religion is money and they consider 100USD a good salary as employers but will not work for less than 1000USD per month when employed. Malays are animists and believe in the great hornbill, although nobody has seen it so far. Orks are the spine of nation's economy. They mostly belong to religion of Sauron lead by the high priest Saruman.
Sollywood[edit | edit source]
Sollywood is located in Unimas, near Kitteh, nation's capital, and it's the centre of Sarawak's movie industry. So far Sollywood has recorded three movies: Journey to Sarikei, Sembelit and The Sleeping Dictionary. Journey to Sarikei has been nominated for 3 Oscars, although only Sarawakian movie which actually won an Oscar was Sembelit; it got an award for the best shit in a movie.
Politics[edit | edit source]
Tahi had repeated James Beruk dynasty success for being the current king of Sarawak with his fancy prince waiting for the throne. Armed with supermajority in state assembly, every word uttered by Tahi is to become a decree and subsequently into law. For example, in June 2011, the definition of the word "native" in Sarawak should also include Tahi's white hair. (see below) Urban Chinese usually loathe Tahi but not the rural natives in Sarawak. Rural natives still love Tahi's magical white hair although he sweep their lands bare using his white hair. "Lu bantu wa, wa bantu lu" is the first political moral lesson thought by Najis Razak here in Sebu buy-election when he was helping to promote a juara kampung here.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Sarawak economy is currently controlled by Tahi Mamommoth's magical white hair. With every white hair he blown, it will become new Tahi and implanted in every new company in Sarawak. All these white hairs then ultimately connect the zombified companies to the Tahi's ultimate machine called "CMS" (Chief minister and sons). Thus all the companies lifeline here depends upon the energy grid provided by these white hairs. Without these white hairs, these companies will die off.
Guess what? Tahi also offers a fixed deposit scheme for all orang utans to invest money inside it. The duration of this scheme is 5 years and orang utans especially kampung ones can only withdraw bananas at the end of every 5 years. But Tahi also offered another benefit for this scheme. It is that every orang utan will theoretically become rich by the year 2030! after Tahi Mamommoth's fixed deposit account money is theoretically divided with each orang utans!
Logging[edit | edit source]
Just like koku, Tahi also have a long magical stick to rape down every tree in Sarawak when he is hungry. After the trees were raped, he then throw them into the rivers. The raped trees and then piled up in the rivers, blocking water flow and Ta Da! mutiple new damns automatically formed! But now Sarawak have no trees already. So Tahi decided to cover Sarawak with his palm while drinking Sarawak oil. Now Sarawak is covered with oil palm! Orang utans in Sarawak now happily stayed on oil palms and damns, thanks to Tahi debolotment initiative.
“Look at our beautiful forests!Beautiful trees! I love them, that's why I make love with them!”
