Derkaderkastan

Derkaderkastan
Population: 2 million men, 500,000 women and countless three legged camels
State Religion: Michael Jacksonism

Derkaderkastan is a very old country, almost as old as the United States itself (Older than that is of course an impossibilty. God created the U.S. and A personally on the eighth day). This small nation resides five miles beneath Iran, kind of like an appendix, only not as gooey (although certainly smelly and prone to disease).

Geography

Derkaderkastan is a country which consists of an entire flat slope. The people of Derkaderkastan live in constant fear of dropping something. If they do not catch it in time, it will roll all the way down to the Iranian border, and fall into the Great Goat's mouth.

Culture

Derkaderkastan was the very first country in the world to produce country songs such as: (what is in my butt Mel Gibson) except for Moldavia. Lately, a huge boy band scene has sprung from the Derkaderkastanian dirt. Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync and Westlife all originate from Derkaderkastan. Apart from it's musical history, Derkaderkastan is entirely devoid of culture, and it's citizens usually spend their free time banging their heads into walls or simply contemplating suicide. To make up for their lack of culture Derkaderkastanians have very odd sexual rituals. They are known to take a dump on each others chests to signify great sex.

History

Invaded eighteen times, by countries including Persia, Egypt, Norway, Japan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, Andorra, Belgium, France, Germany and lately South Africa. Nothing else going on, really. In 2006, Derkaderkastani president Mohammed Sherpasherpa Ali announced an alliance with North Korea, so that Kim Jong Il would not feel quite so 'ronery.'

Exports

It is rumoured that Blind n' Deaf Rachallah Kamil al Jalzyera "Playboy" scha Bakalak sold a goat to a Russian comic book salesman passing through, but it has never been comfirmed. Otherwise, the Derkaderkastanis preferr a strict "Nothing in, nothing out" policy. They produce nothing, so their very existence is somewhat of a mystery to economical experts. It is however, the world's largest producer of replica knitted weasels, an trade that brought in $22.56 in 2005, which the Army used to fund the purchase of a state-of-the-art sling-shot and ammunition, consisting of a rotten egg and a handfull of stones. Derkaderkastanians have been recently rumoured to be considering killing their fellow countrymen, attaching strings to them, and selling them as puppets. This is because their natural diet of monkey dust, squirrel sauce and Green Leicester cheese gives them a very stiff glossy appearance, not unlike lacquered wood. This is very desirable to filmmakers with low budgets and bad plot lines. When told this could bring an estimated $500 trillion a year, the President became extremely excited. This was until he was informed by an advisor, Quityojibajaba Crazyfoo, that this figure was based on Zimbabwean dollars and therefore worth around £18.84. President Ali was so furious he beat Crazyfoo to death with a coconut he found floating in the derkaderka sea.

Defence

The Derkaderkastani Army currently numbers 17 men, 3 women and an extremely angry Shih Tzu named Mi Mi. Their fearsome weaponry includes half of a rusty iron bar, the aforementioned catapult and a studded belt. It is rumoured that research is currently being carried out into chemical warfare, as Balalalalalak Tingtongmacadingdang, head of the Weapons Research programme, was spotted in a Skegness joke shop buying a can of fart spray. These rumours are, as yet, unconfirmed by the UN. The Derkaderkastani Air Force Terror Squad (or DAFTS for short) were inaugurated into the armed forces on December 7th 2007, to mark the anniversary of Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor. The DAFTS consists of a Microlight based on James Bond's Little Nellie, only without the guns, bombs, rocket launcher or indeed James Bond. Instead of this more expected weaponry, the DAFTS aircraft is flown by Insane Wayne, so called because he likes to throw condoms filled with blackcurrant cordial out of microlights. The Derkaderkastani Navy is even less impressive and was disbanded after there was the sad revelation that contrary to popular belief cardboard boxes don't float.The Derkaderkastani Tank Division was mothballed after a misunderstanding in the ordering process left them with 17 sewage tanks, but could be reinstated after it emerged that Leonid Ayelikeadodachacha had managed to come across 14 second hand Nissan Sunnys, half a ton of pig iron to use as armour, fourteen gallons of Diet Coke and a box of Mentos.

Future

In 2008, Derkaderkastan decided to take over the bankrupt neighbouring republic of Sherpasherpaland. This move would be mutually beneficial as it would grant Derkaderkastan with a navy for the first time and Sherpasherpaland with financial stability and Nicodemusalan Maktavishek the Great's stamp collection, taken from Sherpasherpaland in the Great War of 1869. The new nation was to be called either Makalagadanibanafartipantsistan, Derkaderkastanisherpasherpaland or Steven. This was put to the 6 strong electorate in February, with all three choices getting 2 votes each. Thus, the new name of the nation is the United and Brilliant Republic of Makalagadanibanafartipantsistanderkaderkastanisherpasherplandsteven. This, the government decided was the most sensible option, as the head of the army, (the guy who owns Mi Mi) threatened to set his baying hound on Sherpasherpaland's President's mum if the name was not adopted.

In 2009, the union broke up with Derkaderkastan becoming a wholly independent nation again, after Sherpasherpaland decided to restore its monarchy with Peter Griffin installed as its new king. The fact that the new king was a fictional cartoon character was controversial in Derkaderkastan and the electorate demanded secession from the union.

Politics and Democracy

For many years, there was no word in Derkaderkastani for democracy and little concept of it either after President Bopopopopopllani abolished voting for all in 1935, deciding instead that all decisions regarding the running of the country would be made by himself, his wife, his daughter and a Mongolian prostitute named Ming Li.

Only in 1999 was democracy restored to Derkaderkastani dictionaries, and then only for a laugh by President Hamatymescatmangiggidygoo's wayward teenage son Dave. As a result, elections now take place every 5 years and voters can choose from a vast array of parties including the People's Front of Derkaderkastan, the Derkaderkastani People's Front and the Popular Front of Derkaderkastan. Elections consist of males, and only males can vote, dipping their penis in ink and dabbing it on the relevant voting slip.

In 2001 the government, or rather a goat farmer near the border, was approached by representatives of the Arab League. The representatives merely wanted to fill up the last whitespace on their maps. The thinking was that school children would have less of a chance to color outside the lines, and thus, raise the "coloracy" rate by a factor of over 9000. This would allow the Arab League to produce many more great engineers. Unfortunately the Derkaderkastani goat farmer only spoke goatanese. Negotiations broke down before they begun and ended with feces being thrown; by both sides.

Sports

Derkaderkastanis are among the least athletic people in the world, thanks in no small part to their obsession with eating contests and physical deformities brought about by generations of incest. However, Derkaderkastan houses the largest supporters' group outside of England dedicated to English football club Nottingham Forest. This is because Derkaderkastan is stuck around 40 years in the past with around 98% of people polled in a 2011 survey still believing it was 1981 and as such, the Derkaderkastanis feel an affinity with Nottingham Forest fans. The Derkaderkastani Reds are thoroughly looking forward to seeing John McGovern and Trevor Francis perform in the forthcoming season, because nobody has the heart to tell them what has actually happened these past 40 years. Derkaderkastanis also enjoy mass dogging festivals, and Rapey Alan has won 17 titles in this division after dry bumming the judges repeatedly. Other popular sports include faeces tossing, extreme wanking and ninja chess.

The real government eventually learned of the goat farmer's ill-fated run in with the Arab League. Furious with the situation, President Edgar (Dave's one-sixteenth brother) joined the League of Legends. He decreed that all citizens must compete in the virtual combat that takes place in Summoner's Rift. It was an audacious move to bring Derkaderkastan up to smut with the rest of the world, technology wise. But there is only one computer in the country capable of running League of Legends. And as such, not many derkaderkastanis partake in this growing sport. Derkaderkastani's all share one account, affectionately named "DerkaDerkaStan". And because of this each citizen believes they are playing for their country on the world stage. Winners of games are highly regarded, often given a used tampon as reward. While the feeders and loosers are flogged with a rotting derkaderkastani tuna.