Jan Mayen

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Rare Forskere Jan Mayens og Norges Strålende Stat Jan Mayen
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Someus Reallyus Unfunnyus Latinus" For Polar Salvation
Anthem: Our Home and Mayen Land!
The highest reach of the Jan Mayen State.
Capital	Oslo
Largest city	What do you mean "city"?
Demonym	Mayen
Official language(s)	Mayenstunge
Government	Anti-Norwegian Polar Bear Dictatorship
‑ Most Glorious Minister of Jan Mayen	Isbjørnur
Amount of Jans in Jan Mayen	1
National Hero(es)	Isbjørnur, Jan Birgit
Declaration  of Independence	1336 CE
Currency	Janspenger
Religion	99.1% Polar Bearwegian 0.9% Abstained
Population	7
Area	385,259 km² (or 125,180 sq mi in FREEDOM LAND!)
Time Zone	None
Ethnic groups	96.8% Polar Bears 2.2% Norwegians 0.8% Swedes 0.2% Mayens
Major exports	Polar Bears, Ice cubes, Lemons, Lemonade, and Norwegians
Major imports	Everything Else
National animal	The Polar Bear
National sport(s)	Polar Football, Polar Bear Hunting, and Яussian Hockey
Internet TLD	.jm
Drives on	Polar Bear Meat (On the Right)

“There are weapons of lemonade destruction in Jan Mayen.”

~ Isbjøn W. Bush

“Woof”

~ Barbara, the national Polar Bear

“WAR IS PEACE

STAR IS LOVE

BEAR IS STRENGTH”

~ Görgte Oddweir, 1984

Jan Mayen, officially named Jan Mayens og Norges Strålende Stat is a country in the Arctic Region, Eurasia, and North America. It has a total population of around 7, making it one of the least populated nations in the Northern Hemisphere. The population is mostly Polar Bears, with the minority groups being Swedes, Norwegians, and Mayens. The capital city is Oslo, although it's major economic zone is Olonkinbyen, a town on the island of Jan Mayen. Mayenstunge is its official language and the major religion is Polar Bearwegian. It is also known for it's lonely lemonade stand stuck inside of a volcano in Beerenberg.

The island of Jan Mayen was not discovered until the 1st century, but the government in control of the island would lose authority, causing a coup to form Jan Mayen. When the Norwegians arrived at it, the island was under the leadership of Jan Birgit. Birgit was hesitant to trade with the Norwegians but allowed them to set up a trading port in the town of Puppebu. On July 1512, a conflict between the Mayens and Norwegians began after an incident in the trading port of Puppebu. This would begin the 3 month long War for Jan Mayen, ending in a Mayen victory. Throughout the years, they allowed Russian and American trading in the newly fortified trading port in Puppebu to keep the island modernized. Jan Birgit would only allow this for foriegn relations, as he declared slight neutrality after 1513. In 1920, Norway would stage a landing in Høybergodden. They were kicked out in a 1 day siege, while Jan Mayen began an amphibious invasion of Kristiansund and Egersund. Almost half of the Mayen army was taken as prisoners of war, or were killed in combat, but due to the technological advancement of the Mayens, Jan Mayen would take over Norway.

After the end of the Second World War came the Cold War (we love wars so much, do we?). At the beginning, they were aligned with the Americans due to their constant trade, but would declare slight political neutrality until 1948 in which Jan Mayen was bored of the Яussian and the land of the "free", so the Mayens formed NATO (Nothern Arctic Treaty Organization). In 1950 they launched a coup in the Soviet Onion, turning it into a Mayen puppet. In 1964 the Яussians broke away in the Second Russian Civil War and formed the United Snow Federative Soviet Republic (USFSR). This began the rise of civil unrest in Jan Mayen, and 7 years later in 1971, the Polar Bear Party staged a coup against the Jan Mayen Republic. After that the newly formed Jan Mayen State devolved NATO and were neutral for the rest of the Cold War.

Besides that, it's pretty cold there. The only way people survive is that lemonade stand. Without that, they'd all be dead.

Etymology

The name of the nation "Jan Mayen" came from the first name of Jan Birgit. The name of Jan's origin is scarce—from drawing on rocks near Ullerengsanden, and modern linguistic technology, it is supposed that after the Roman colonization of the island, the ideas of Mediterranean religion spread to the island, including Christianity. The name of the Jewish god was "Yahweh", which would be turned into "Janwai" in Jan Mayen, which would be finally turned into "Jan".

The "Mayen" in "Jan Mayen"'s meaning is still unknown, as we have no lead on it. It potentially came from the Roman word Mayur, which means "random island", but there is still no verifiable evidence to show that this was the case. Hey, did you know there's gonna be another lemonade stand soon?

A map of the Shetland Islands, where the seeds for the Roman conquest of Jan Mayen took place.

History

Roman Colony (125-400)

During the Roman expeditions to Brittania, a desolate ship got lost while navigating to Yorkshiran territories. The ship was hit hardly in the North Sea, but would later land in Haroldswick, and would establish a colony called De Civitatibus Reallylonglatinthatnobodycaresaboutthatendswith-us (literally "the northern state"). They would later call back this advancement to the French colonialists, who would later send news to general Publius Aelius Fedurianus. Fedurianus, after hearing the information of a new colony, would fund newer expeditions to territory near De Civitatibus Reallylonglatinthatnobodycaresaboutthatendswith-us. Soon, the entirety of the Shetland island would be occupied by the Roman Empire, and renamed to Lux Angliae. In 136 AD, during the final years of Fedurianus' rule, a ship was sent north-west of Lux Angliae to find new land for the Romans to explore. Fedurianus however, enlisted weak, unprepared men on the expedition. The expedition was a failure, as the ship never responded back to the Roman Empire. In the modern era, broken pieces of wood were found in the Icelandic coast, speculating that the ship broke down during the North Sea.

Never forget that the Romans stuck this man into Jan Mayen!

When Antonianus Pius took power of the Roman Empire, he demanded an expedition to Pax Lux Angliae, by using veterans of the first De Civitatibus Reallylonglatinthatnobodycaresaboutthatendswith-us expedition. They sailed north to the Norwegian Sea and drifted towards the island of Jan Mayen. A smaller ship set sail to inform the Romans about this new discovery. Although Antonianus was slightly disgruntled, as this was not the brand new island that he thought of, he still stated that it was much better than having another expedition to sink. The island was named Puella Shetlandiae and was added as a territory of De Civitatibus Reallylonglatinthatnobodycaresaboutthatendswith-us.

Age of Silence (401-1336)

Following the collapse of the Western Roman Empire, De Civitatibus Reallylonglatinthatnobodycaresaboutthatendswith-us formed a state of neutrality. Due to these effects, and to foreign relations changing the actions of the D.C.R., the isle would reach a state of total stagnation.

In the beginning of the first millennium, the North Sea Empire began to rise in the territories of Norway, Denmark, Skåne, and England. The Roman colony of Puella Shetlandiae retained good relations with the North Sea Empire, and began to modernize by trading with the North Sea Empire. This trading was cut short after the death of Harthacnut, and the rise of the Kingdom of Norway. In 1247-1262, the Norwegians would conquer Greenland and Iceland, surrounding the Romans on Jan Mayen, just as the Norwegians exited from their civil war.

After the formation of the Kalmar Union, tension between the Kalmars and Romans reached a high. This would cause a division between the Romans and the newely formed Yahwehtunge culture, causing the Mayen Coup'd'etat of 1336.

Image of a Norwegian who invaded Jan Mayen.

Yahwehtunge/Mayen Coup and Aftermath (1336-1511)

The Yahwehtunge Coup began in 1336 by some of the extremists in the Yahwehtunge culture. A group of approximately 4 people, including 1 Yahwehtunge high-level official named Bernard Birgit, staged an overthrow of the old Roman government. The Roman citizens were distraught by this coup, almost staging a rebellion if Bernard Birgit didn't make that Lemonade stand in that volcano.

The Yahwehtunge Coup began a pseudo-revolution in the island, creating a democratic council, a currency, and the beginning of openning up Yahwehtunge to the world, with that last reason finally giving us the name "Mayen". It would only take until 1402 when Bernard Birgit, leader of Mayen, would die, making his successor, Jan Birgit, the new leader, who would rename the country to "Jan Mayen".

The Mayen-Norwegian War I: A New Defense (1512)

The Norwegians were the first trading partner of Jan Mayen. They arrived at approximately 1500-1511, selling gunpowder and new technology to the Mayens. This would end after some of the extremist Mayens would stage an attack on the Norwegian trading port in Puppebu, beginning the 3 month long War for Jan Mayen. The Mayens, although short in numbers, had the technological support, due to their Polar Bear Scientific Agency producing weapons, and their viking army. The Siege of Olonkinbyen was Mayen's bloodiest days, having their population cut in half (both literally and metaphorically), yet ending in a slight Mayen victory. The Norwegians would beg for peace after this humiliating loss.

Reconstruction (1512-1914)

The reconstruction of Jan Mayen was a tedious process, but with the experience of the Norwegian Invasion, they retained neutrality from trading for a very long time. The Mayen state was cut down to 4 homo-sapiens and ~500 polar bears, reducing Mayen production, but with all of these setbacks, the island was rebuilt into something better than the Pre-1512s. Their closed economy hurt their production until 1820, in which they opened up for American and Russian investments. This turned the Jan Mayen state into a capitalist-esque republic, forming the Janspenger as the official Mayen currency.

The Council was reformed into the Council of Mayen Ministers, a democratic parliament that could vote on actions that the Mayen government could take.

World War I: The Burmese Movie (1914-1919)

The Great War took a massive hit on the Mayen economy, due to their two most active economic partners, the Americans and Russians, fighting in the war. This would be made worse after the Russian Civil War began, turning their friendly economic partner into a rival. Unfortuantely, the Mayens were too busy eating cod to care.

The Mayen-Norwegian War II: The Norwegians Strike Back (1920)

Further information: Operation Kalmar-Hevn

It had been over 400 years since the last Norwegian invasion, and yet it happened again. Due to the Norwegians growing a norwussy, and them being in spite due to the last war, the Norwegians thought that it would be a good idea to invade the island again. The war began as the first Norwegian landed in Høybergodden in an operation called "Operation Kalmar-Hevn." The Norwegians had a stunning victory at the Battle of Høybergodden, yet were slowing down as more Polar Bear recruits began to transfer to the western frontlines. The Americans would later send weapons to Jan Mayen after the end of the Great War, as the Mayens took back the city of Høybergodden. 200 Norwegians were taken as prisoners of war.

The Jan Mayen Royal Military, established in 1919, would create a battleplan titled "Operation Frihet Fra Gjentakelser", where a legion of Special Polar Bear Forces would land at Stavanger. The landing was successful and caused a massive uprising in Norway, especially due to their costly fortifications, and the fact that Svalbard began to succeed. Soon Norway would surrender to Jan Mayen, with three articles:

• Article 1: Thou shall take all ze Norwegian money!
• Article 2: Svalbard shall the islands of Norway, including Svalbard, while Jan Mayen takes all of mainland Norway.
• Article 3: Read Article 1 and 2.

I do not know what this graph means, but the economy's going down!

The Great Depression (1929-1940)

When the Wall Street Crash hit the West, it caused a massive domino effect. Due to the closing trade between the Mayens and the Soviets, the island was forced to return to isolation again and to wait until the storm clears. Luckily for them, due to the relative distance between the West and Jan Mayen, the island was able to return to normality in 1937. A vote was held in the council to create a new railroad between Høybergodden and Puppebu, which received major support.

World War II (1940-1945)

The Second World War was triumphant times for the Mayens. The Nazis had a stable trade agreement with the Mayens, although the British decided to mine German trade ships. As a result, the Wehrmacht decided to invade both Denmark and the Mayens. The Mayens however, greatly and successfully defended Norway, causing there to be no German gains in Norway. Nazi Germany would later peace out with the Mayens in 1941. The Germans, without this strategic resource-rich region, would struggle more to take the cities of Mockba, Papa's City, and Leningrad.

The Cold War (1949-1991)

Horses carrying millions of Marshall dollars to Jan Mayen.

From the ashes of the Second World War came the threat of a nuclear holocaust and the beginning of the Cold War. The Mayens, having their major territory bruised, destroyed, and turned into ashes, would declare neutrality for the beginning of the Cold War. That was until the Americans began the Economic Recovery Act and the Marshall Plan, which provided American companies rebuilding broken European infrastructure, American loans to struggling nations, and to form and expand European and American industries in Europe. The Council of Mayen Ministers reluctantly accepted American aid into the Jan Mayen Republic.

On April 24th, 1951, an act declaring the deconstruction of the old Norwegian fortifications was passed with a 72% majority vote. In a gradual process, fortifications were gently destroyed, saving up Mayen capital for the reconstruction of Norwegian cities, towns, and also Jan Mayen. All projects would be finished in 1952.

A photograph taken in Jan Mayen Square, circa 1972. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!

A classified project created by the radical parties of the CoMM would form the destruction of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, by using the issues caused by Stalin's rapidly declining health against the Stalinists in the Soviet government, by bribery, blackmail, and false positives. By the time of Stalin's death, enough ministers and workers of the Union were dedicated of overthrowing the Communist government, which happened on March 6th, 1953.

The newly formed Russian Federation would become a controlled regime by the Mayens, who would take the Arctic territories of Russia. However, civil rebellions and guerrilla fighting groups would form instantly that would cause headaches for the CoMM, escalating in the Moscow Spring of 1956.

The Russian Federation would last until 1964, where a coordinated group of Democrats, Neo-Stalinists, Socialists, and Czarists would form the League for Russian Justice, a military organization set to liberate Russia. The war would last until 1967, with a decisive and total Russian victory. The Mayens would be humiliated by this loss, and return to neutrality. The Republic of Jan Mayen would become weak, and powerless, as a new regime called the Polar Bear National Party would launch a coup against the Mayens in 1971, installing a pro-polar bear regime. The PBNP, or "The Party", would start a purge in persons and polar bears against The Party.

Post Cold War (1992-Present)

After the Cold War the Jan Mayens got bored of being neutral, So they invaded Iraq and Afghanistan. This war was called "The war before the Americans came". The Mayens took the Iraqi and Afghan oil supply and left. Then came the Americans. After that the government of Jan Mayen was satisfied. When Corona came the government stopped all trade with the world, except lemons because how else should they make lemonade? The polar bears weren't very happy with this and in 2022 they opened up the country again.

Demographics

There are 7 people currently on Jan Mayen. 2 adults, one male, one female, and their children. It still is bigger than some of Iran's villages.

The only family in 2013.

Culture

The culture of Jan Mayen is mainly Polar Bearwegian, a combination of Polar, an ethnicity taught by polar bears in the Arctic and the North Sea, that follows the belief of the two Polar Bear gods: Ursa Minor and Ursa Major. The belief was that Ursa Major was the old leader of the Arctic Circle and fought desperately to defend his territory, alongside his son, Ursa Minor. They made a plea to the Bjørnherre that they shall be spared, in a different body. As a result, the Bjørnherre put them in the sky, for everyone to see, leaving his son, Ursa Minor, to have the North Star in the sky. There is also the Norwegian half, which is mainly Christianity, which teaches of a secondary god.

Animals

There are only polar bears. Well, the only thing people actually care about are the cute, lovable, polar bears! It would be a shame if they died. I'm looking at you. Yeah, YOU. You polar-bear murderer. I know you did it. Stop lying. I know you were the one to murder my polar bear.

Geography

For a 52km wide island, it sure has a lot on it. For example, that lemonade stand has gotten so old, I betya that it's getting melted together with the ashphalt in the volcano! Besides the lemonade, the island is mostly rocks. Depressing rocks. Rocks that are depressed. The island is for the most part just rock and polar bears. In the sea there are fish and oil. (Don't mention this to the burger-loving, corporate Westeners.)

Climate

The climate of Jan Mayen is mostly, well, cold, barely passing 0°C (or zero degrees centigrade) at some parts of the year.

Climate data for Jan Mayen (it's pretty cold here)
Month	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr	May	Jun	Jul	Aug	Sep	Oct	Nov	Dec	Year
Mean maximum °F	22.6	27.7	29.8	34.9	37.6	37.76	38.7	35.2	34.2	28.6	24.4	19.2	38.7
Daily mean °F	11.21	15.6	19.9	24.1	25.97	27.1	27.77	25.97	23.2	18.23	14.09	7.25	20.03
Mean minimum °F	−0.2	−69.42	10.0	13.3	14.4	16.5	16.9	16.7	11.8	7.9	3.7	−4.7	−69.42
Daily mean °C	−11.55	−9.1	−6.7	−4.4	−3.35	−2.7	−2.35	−3.35	−4.9	−7.65	−9.95	−13.75	−6.65
Source 1: Information from the Olonkinbyen Miljødirektorat.
Source 2: Newspapers from the Mayen Chronicles.

Economy

The Jan Mayen economy is mostly based on fish and polar bear meat. But some people say that most of the money comes from oil. Major exports are polar bears, which they sell to zoos or chop up and sell their meat and fur. Major Imports are everything exept fish and polar bears.

Isbjørnur walking in the Western most part of Jan Mayen.

Military

The military of Jan Mayen consists of Vikings from the 12th to the 16th century. The Vikings are the strongest force of all time. They are nearly invincible. The nanomachines put inside of their bodies prove that they are indestructible by any conventional and unconventional weapon made in the 21st century. Their only weakness is temperature over 25 Celsius or 77 Freedom Degrees, in which they will melt, their family will melt, or they'll boil.

The Special Forces

Their special forces consists of armored polar bears. The armor came from an ancient Martian civilization. The armor can withstand bullets, missiles and atomic bombs.The Special Forces are trained by the Russians, Chinese and the Americans. They secretly own half the world and are the only reason why the Germans lost in the Second World War. Leif Erik Isbjarnur is the head of the Royal Jan Mayen Special Forces. The Special Forces were established in 1937. There are 45 war ready soldiers in the Special Forces. The only weakness is heat, not having snow, or else they would turn into normal brown bears.

The head of the Special Forces.

The war minister of the Jan Mayen Royal Military.

Politics

In 1971 a Polar Bear Dictatorship was established. It continues to rule the island. There have been big demonstrations in the early 2000s, but they were oppresed by the Jan Mayen Royal Military, as Isbjørnur is the current president. The only party in Jan Mayen is the Polar Bear National Party. Seriously, where did the other parties go? They were all here one day and just suddenly they all disappeared. What happened?

Tourism

Tourism in Jan Mayen is very big. There are about 1 billion tourists per year come to Jan Mayen to look at it. They mostly come to see on the lemonade stand and the volcano. There are also beautiful sand beaches in Tronfjellsttupet. The sea is very hot. Jan Mayen is also known for its polar bears that deliver your lemonade drinks on the beaches. The most popular beach is called Haugenstranda. If you dont believe me, just search Haugenstranda up on Google Maps.

See also

• THE Polar Bear.
• Polar Bear Conspiracy Theory
• The United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen, an unrecognized nation claiming Svalbard and Jan Mayen
• Svalbard, an independent nation that claims the territory of Svalbard and its surrounding islands
• Norway, a minuscule nation located on Antarctica that has the balls to claim Jan Mayen. Talk about selfish!

Notes

Norway