Cape Breton Island
“Where the hell did all these foreigners come from???”
Cape Breton is an island paradise located in eastern Canada in northeastern Nova Scotia. It has approximately 3 billion inhabitants (if you count seagulls) and is ruled with an iron fist by the people. Cape Breton has no form of government and is the only successful anarchy state in the world. It contains the cities of Glace Bay,Ingonish, Sydney, New Waterford, and the peaceful tranquility of the Sydney Mines area. Cape Breton is known for its strong economy, clean-living people, warm climate, excellent roads, and the general hard working attitudes of its people. In 2010, a national study ranked Cape Breton the "least intelligent" area of Canada, which, sadly, is no joke.
When entering Cape Breton, visitors are advised to set their clocks back 30 years, remove their thinking caps, and lower their standards.
- Population: 3,000,000,239
- Government Building: The Shack
- Sources of Income: Unemployment (pogey) and agriculture (strawberries and marijuana)
- Capital: Meat Cove
- Largest City: Cheticamp
- Scariest City: Sydney Mines (No Joke, they will bust a cap in your ass)
- Most Populous City: Glace Bay
- Head of State: King John Morganstein
- Political System: Clueless-ism/Complaining About Everything-ism
- Languages: Cape Bretonese, Franglais, Gaelic, Drunken Jibberish and Mic Mac
- Cancer Rate: 101% - just saying the words "Cape Breton" is carcinogenic, thanks to a centuries-old Mic Mac curse.
- Unemployment Rate: 0% - best in Canada
- Chief Export: Cape Breton's underground slave trade provides Alberta with unlimited cheap labour.
Hot and arid. Cape Breton is known for its tropical climate year round. The average annual temperature is between 90 and 95 degrees Fahrenheit (32-35 Celsius). That's pretty fuckin' warm, man. The only place on Cape Breton which has ever recorded snow is the peak of Kelly's Mountain, which, at over 80 thousand feet, is the tallest mountain in the world. Jetsetters from all across Europe and the US flock to Cape Breton in January and February to escape cold winter temperatures and to experience Cape Breton's vibrant nightlife.
Highway 125 is the pinnacle of the Canadian driving experience, perhaps the ultimate in driving altogether. Virtually all of the world's serious drivers have heard of it and longed to take their shot at conquering it. Teutonic cars are known for their precise engineering and craftsmanship; the 125 completes the driving equation. This is a twenty-lane superhighway where cars are barely a blur as they whiz by.
For those who like to "Safari" it, then highway 4 provides the exciting challenges because many have ventured out on it and are never heard from again.
Along with our 12 lane Autobahn, there is a class of high-speed trains that travel at 513 km/hr on electrified rails that provide a “State of the Art” passenger service link between Sydney and Halifax. A 105 bi-current locomotives and matching cars were specially designed for this task. There always has been a constant threat that “European” spies will steal the blue prints for these prized locomotives. There are two runs per day.
Cape Breton has many wonderful attractions including:
- Sheena Bolt - Worlds fastest human, began running before he could speak. Said to have travelled at speeds faster than the speed of light. Current location is unknown as he is to fast to see by the human eye, although the tore apart roads of Cape Breton are evidence of him running through the area recently.
- Bruce Gouthro - Unexceptional local musician. No one is quite sure exactly why he's famous, though it's believed to be because he knows Gordie Sampson.
- Rollies - Upper class bar and lounge for fisherman and underaged patrons; won in a poker game by the Barra McNeils from the Rankin Family.
- The Giant Fiddle - Endowed to Cape Breton by the Jolly Green Giant after Cape Breton won its independence from Greenland.
- Johnny Miles - His soul still lives within his statue. He sees all. He knows all. Be good or he'll tell Santa!
- Cape Breton Regional Police Force - Known for corruption and indifference, a thriving donut industry has sprouted up around them, helping the local economy. Since they won't get out of their cars on rainy days, CB'ers have learned to only break the law when it rains.
- Nick the Speedbump - Can proudly say he was hit by a car 16 times and sustained only 7 traumatic brain injuries!
- Frances - If she's not passed out on the front lawn, she'll be at the doctor's office begging for stress leave so she won't have to go back to her call centre job. She was voted Miss Sydney Mines Industrial, Mine 4-B, 10 times, from 1989 - 1999, and was Runner-up to the Miss Poverty World competition in 1973, beaten by a woman from Newfoundland by one point! Known for driving around (at around 20 km/hr) while drinking a mickey of whisky, smoking a cigarette, rolling a joint and flipping off anyone who passes by. Often banned from large box stores for attempting "slip-downs" in order to augment her income from E.I., she is a true Cape Breton lady. Her record of employment is about as long as all the volumes of the Encylcopedia Britannica combied due to the fact that the concept of a "career" only exists for obtaining enough hours for another bout of Employment Insurance! She is truly representative of the elite of Cape Breton society.
- The Henry Street Pub (More commonly known as "The Thistle") - A charming, elegant English establishment serving Sydney's aristocracy. No shootings have been reported for close to 3 months now.
- The Alluring and Radiant Sydney Tar Ponds - You'll smell it before you see it.
- Centre 200 - Home ice for the NHL's illustrious "Original 7" franchise, the Cape Breton Screeching Seagulls.
- The Five Star Gardiner Motel - What happens at The Five Star Gardiner Motel stays at The Five Star Gardiner Motel.
- Smooth Herman's - Recently went out of business because Mrs. Herman wanted a fucking divorce.
- Colouring Book University - Though historically many of Cape Breton's best and brightest young janitors and telemarketers were ejukated here, now CBU serves mainly as Cape Breton's local Marxist Indoctrination Centre.
- The Englishtown Fairie - Will grant wishes, but will also slip you roofies and take advantage of you if you aren't careful.
- Meat Cove - Cape Breton's lavish playground to jetsetters, fashion models, and millionaires.
- Kelly's Mountain - The tallest mountain in the world at 80,000 feet. Known for its scenic beauty and Sasquatch abductions.
- Paramount Cape Breton Wonderland - Known more commonly as Hinchey's Rides & Amusements. Feeling up New Waterford girls on the ferris wheel has been a rite of passage for local teenage boys for decades.
- Fortress of Louisbourg The largest and most modern military complex in Canada. Should North Korea ever get any fucking ideas, Louisbourg stands at the ready!
- Mayflower Mall - Internationally acclaimed shopping! Home of the last remaining Orange Julius location in the universe. If you're lucky, local mega-celebrity and toilet cleaner Frankie MacDonald will give you a tour of the bathrooms and janitor's closets.
- A&K Lick-A-Chick - Known for giving you the opportunity to lick an actual chick. Sorry, not that kind of chick. Get your mind out of the gutter!
- The Ghost of Teese Whitty - Known to endlessly roam the roads of Ingonish, waving to every fucking car that passes.
The Canso Causeway is a massive bridge-like structure ( Over Nine Thousand times larger than that Golden Gate Bridge) that links mainland Nova Scotia to Cape Breton. The Causeway was constructed by mainlanders in 1987 when Newfoundlanders complained that the only place they could get to from the Nfld. Ferry was Cape Breton.
All of Cape Breton's wild animals are currently kept at the Two Rivers Animal Correctional Facility. This is a minimum-security facility, which will house the animals until they overcome their various pharmaceutical addictions and behavioral issues.
Of the wildlife endemic to Cape Breton, perhaps the least known is the "Cape Bretonese Field Lobster". These amorous crustaceans are seldom seen, but their mating calls, which sound similar to discharging shotguns, can often be heard on warm summer nights around the communities of Sydney Mines and Bay St. Lawrence.
The sasquatch is another creature native to Cape Breton. Its habitat is limited to Kelly's Mountain and behind the Co-op in Neil's Harbour. They can be difficult to spot as they look like shit, allowing them to blend in seemlessly with their surroundings.
There have never been any skunks on Cape Breton Island, which has led some people to believe that maybe they know something we don't.
Some of the diverse species of Cape Breton:
- The dead rat above Ivan's Store - a vicious creature that was man-handled by Hulk Hogan, himself (AKA-Jimmy Clark). "Hulk" wrestled it to the ground, kicked it a little bit, and then finished it off with the Immortal Leg Drop!!!
- The Samsquantch - is a lot like its brother, the Sasquatch. Bubbles was the first to discover the wild beast. At one point, he thought it was the Samsquantch who was eating all of their dope, but later found out it was a wild cougar, Bubbles named: "Steve French". The gang got the "kitty" high as a kite and fed it Randy's greasy cheeseburgers. Its habitat was one of Ricky's old shitbox cars. The Samsquantch has many aliases like: Nova Scotian Big Foot, , and the Big Nasty!
- Raycans - An illusive species closely related to the Raccoon. Known for stealing dope from trailers in Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Rarely seen on the Island.
- Yellow Mustard Tiger - it's a predator who is attracted to only Yellow Mustard, supplied by your local Co-op. It's size is much larger than anything you could ever imagine. I had a close encounter one day. I was in the middle of English class, when I looked out of 2 story window to see the beast below, eating out of Kenneth the Janitor's garbage can. I assumed he was searching for some mustard, but the mystery still lives on.
- BJ-Residing in the well populated Ingonish, the red bandit is the only person to ever provide a spoiler on the back of his mothers cavalier. He drives the fastest car in the world, which generates from the piles of bullshit that comes out of his mouth. He gets his daily "skin" at the Sydney Tar Ponds. BJ is definitely a character, but also lethal, as he will steal your mother for the night if he gets the chance. Also " I am a street racer from Sydney" or "Well my initials are BJ!" are just some of the many pick up lines BJ has to offer. It is difficult to find this rare crustacean because there is only one of him, but if you listen closely, you might to be able to notice the cavalier pulling ass at speeds up to 600km and makes his way through Cape Breton in 14.5 seconds. BJ is known for capturing the first photos of The Loch Ness monster, conquering Darth Vader and the whole Empire in Star Wars Trilogy, pulling the sword from the stone, and racing the millenium falcon through the north shore at light speed. His mother, SJ, is also well known for being a proud mother, and offering her cavalier to him when he needs it. He recently saved up enough money at the local gas station and now is the proud owner of a honda civic, which is almost as fast as the 5,642,526hp cavalier.
Cape Breton is home to various sports teams including the Cape Breton Shithawks who have won the Stanley Cup 98 times since 2001. Their Main competion is the Chebucto Faggots who have added agressive russain steriod user Chris M. who lovse to skate onto the rink with clamps on his nipples. to their front lines. Glace Bay also has a successful rugby team, The Pillheads, who, because of heavy abuse of prescription painkillers, are unable to feel pain and are an unstoppable force on the field, and the New Waterford girls hockey team, The New Waterford Virgins. Other professional hockey teams include the Ingonish Kazakhstians, and Ingonish Bolivians who have both been Stanley Cup Champions 60 times each.
A team located in Ingonish, Cape Breton.
It is unfortunate to make mention that this team no longer exits. They have been replaced by a more popular athletic team known as Cindy Carey’s Mother’s Boyfriends. During the early 1990’s it’s a known fact that Cindy Careys’ mother “Rachael” was romantically involved with an estimated 21 men. Fine men of the Irish isle and broken whelps of Sydney Mines, these men found warm delight in the arms of Rachael Carey. Present day spot fanatics admire the physical prowess of this team. Aging from 16 to 52, this team provides an awe induced level of horror.
In 1966, the U.N. voted unanimously that certain dumb-ass Cape Bretoner's shouldn't have a nuclear power plant. Cape Breton protested, arguing that it was Buck Einstein, of Meat Cove, who originally invented the atom, and as a result, nuclear energy. Despite UN Sanctions, the Lingan Nuclear Power Facility was in full operation. This spawned a number of stupid hippie wannabes to flock to Lingan and protest. They were later appeased when it was decided that fellow Meat Cove resident Homer Simpson would run the plant
Future plans may or may not involve North Korea.
The Kingdom of Cape Breton and Manifest Destiny
When the Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail first discovered The Royal Isle of Cape Breton 9001 years ago, He was greeted by the natives which offered him friendship and knoladge of the land, and in return he enslaved them for hundreds of years.
Then one day, while on a massive shroom trip, the gods spoke to him and said, "Stupid human, don't you know you're the first to arrive at the Super Island which will one day dominate the globe? You're the first absolute king of the world's future."
Thus was created the Kingdom of Cape Breton with its first ruling monarch, the Honorable and Veneratable Sir John Boutilier Cabot Trail. Thenceforth, it was declared that Cape Breton would absorb the rest of the world politically, economically, culturally and maybe even linguistically; if anyone could make them out.
Currently, The Royal Isle of Cape Breton's Kingdom stretches over vast regions, from the barren and inhospitable wastelands of Cheticamp with their desert dwellers in the West, to the sprawling metropolis known as Glace Bay with its cosmopolitan population and bustling economy in the East, from the South where the wooly sabre-toothed horses rule the land and keep foreigners out unless they have a special visa on the oily sands of of Sable Island, to the North and Meat Cove; a rare cultural and socio-historical glimpse into the past where the barbarian hordes of Atilla the Hun and the descendants of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble live and propagate.
At this year of 2007 A.D. or 9007 of Our Year of the Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail, Cape Breton is ruled by Sir John Morgenstein II and is poised to envelop the Mainland of Nova Scotia as its first decisive conquest before reaching out with its tentacles of influence to the rest of the world.
The idea of Manifest Destiny and The Cape Breton Kingdom's plot to absorb the rest of the world into its own sphere of domination is kept a secret among all Cape Bretoners. If you reveal to a Cape Bretoner that you, for sure, know about the secret, they will shoot lazers from their eyes to instantly vaporize you and your knowledge. All Cape Bretoners have been trained in advanced gorilla tactics and ready for hand to foot combat at all times. If your life has not been extinguished within 30 seconds of divulging the Cape Breton global domination plot, commandos dressed in pink dresses (the Cape Breton Secret Police) will drop from the sky and mercilessly pinch you with plastic lobster claws mounted on the end of sticks.
Living Proof of Manifest Destiny
Unbeknowst to everyone, but the hordes from Cape Breton have made some progress in their plan to unite the entire world underneath the rule of Cape Breton.
From CNN Reporter Jack Roberts
"It has come to this humble reporter's attention that, through smoking too much dope, Cape Breton has already made great advances in their divine plot. Consider - government governs a country, but companies have a form of governance in countries which is different from governmental forces, yet sometimes wield significant power, culturally, economically, foodily, politically and some of those other adverbs I used above. Take, McDonald's - a Cape Breton idea, a Cape Breton company, a Cape Breton advance onto the rest of the world.
Cape Breton, well known for having more people named Ronald McDonald than anywhere else in the world at a stark rate of every 1 in 5, is the actual spawning point of the Ronald McDonald we all know and love. He was born in Sydney about 104 years ago to two drug addicts name Bert and Ernie. After birth, he was dumped into the tar ponds because Bert and Ernie were too busy getting their fix of Oxycotins, and thus he mutated into the red-haired albino he is today.
He grew up in the dumpster behind KFC at the Prince Street Plaza, or what it was called way back then, the Prince Street Street, and began yearning for something more when he realized he couldn't stand the taste of KFC anymore, or, to the layman, the Dirty Bird. Thus, he flew to America, the Land of Opportunity (cause Cape Breton was no such land back then) and created McDonald's restaurant, future processed beef emporium of the world.
Thus, realize that McDonald's in one form of Cape Breton's plot of global domination. It doesn't matter whether Ronald McDonald renounced his ties with his Mudder Land 69 years ago after getting caught making illicit phone calls to teenagers and prank-calling alcoholics (a common Cape Breton pastime). It stand to reason that somewhere, deep down in that yellow clown suit, is a heart that beats to the same tune of the Cape Breton nation anthem " ... , uhm... " well, whatever our nation anthem is, I can't remember, I was too busy taking a piss in the snow while they played it last time. "We are an Island" or some other thing like that."
- Inverness (The one in Scotland, not in Cape Breton)
- New Waterford
- Glace Bay (Cottonland)
- Sydney, Nova Scotia
- Meat Cove We are very incestuous and love to have hardcore sex with our kids. By kids, we mean goats.
- John Morgan
- Smooth Hermans
- Battle of Sydney
- Colouring Book University
- Gardiner Motel
- True Crime: Streets of Glace Bay
- Pleistocene Park
- Two Rivers Wildlife Park
- Schooner Pond
- Mira River
- Angus MacAskill
- Tar Ponds Black
- Tony Danza
- My 37 Ex-wives