Tony Danza
Tony "The Danza" Danza, is considered a modern day hero in some cultures that believe in the danza dance. Tony Danza has had lots of accomplishments in his time, he invented the catheter and was praised by Elton John in his one hit wonder "Hold Me Closer Tony Danza" which is still known today and will forever be known in Tony's mind, despite Tony Danzas liplexia (unable to stop smiling while little boys are around) he maintained a high maintenance status contributing to the up and coming film Top Gun 2 featuring Lindsey Lohan as maverick.
Tony Danza worked along side Tom Selleck during the making of "Bad Boys III - too hot to handle" then Tom and Tony were later accused of sexually assualting the "donut guy" in the staff bathroom. The victim's words were "I didn't know why they wanted me, all Tony kept saying is, take 'em off, yeah take off dem itty bitties. While Tom screamed squeal Boy squeal like the pig you are! and painted the scene." The image was burned into the young man's mind for eternity while Tony and Tom were accused of rape once again, this time they were accusing each other of rape. Tony Danza claimed that Tom wanted to sow a magic trick then started spanking Tony repeatedly saying it was white and now it's red! Toms story was Tony was mowing his lawn and Tom offered a cool drink to cool him off, Tony accpted and Tom showed Tony his new jacusi tub, Tony being the malerape machine he is, held Tom up against the tub and began fondeling his nipples. Tony disapeared without a trace after that and some say he took the alias of Scott Baio.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Tony Danza was born Tony Fa Fony Danzerfanza in 1509 with a tight sack and pretty much the smallest dick ever recorded in a dumpster behind a pizza parlor located somewhere on Jupenisiter's moon, IO. During elementary school, he did average despite the fact that he could make female teachers swoon with his "A-oh, oh-a!" expression. His true talents weren't discovered until junior high and high school, where he spent many hours masturbating in the hallways. This would later prove to be Scott Baio's downfall.
In his spare time he learned telekinetic skills.
Meanwhile, he often played marbles with his home-grown chia pet named Charles, who was often referred to as "Charlie".
Tony spent most of his time translating the Bible into Klingon. Also he starred in the making of the video fire man by lil wayne and is the only living man who can handle the sheer power of Vibratron 5000 (50 cent's ass-pounding robotic dildo). Tony briefly considered changing his name to Dolph Lundgren and also periodically tucked his genitals into his stomach cavity. He was immediately rushed to the ob-gyn emergency room at Cedar Sinai hospital in Los Angeles when his stomach lining began to eat away at his genitalia. Plus one testicle, Danza emerged a beacon of hope and began stalking a young Alex Trebek.
College and Beyond[edit | edit source]
After High School, Tony went on to a local weight watchers to study the ecology of the African jungles, which he found to be a very difficult subject since there are no African jungles outside of Africa. Realizing his mistake, Tony switched his major to nonsensical expressions of mid 20th century America. He gave little thought to his major, however. He wanted to pursue his dream of becoming a pro basketball player. He did play for the school team, but the coach continually tried to dissuade Tony from the NBA because Tony is only 2 ft 11 in tall.
With his dreams of Ron Jeremy - like stardom crushed, Tony dropped out of school to pursue acting.
on a side note Tony stated that he could kick any G.I. Joe's ass any day of the week, including Elton John
Early Career[edit | edit source]
Penniless and destitute, Tony luckily landed a job in commercials along side Abe Vigoda. Marketing research showed that Tony had great potential to sell pizza, lasagna, and tractors. Abe's agent took over Tony's career and led Tony to much needed changes such as changing his last name to Danza, just to make it fit on credits. Continued work with these commercials led to the next step in Tony's life.
He found some work voicing the First Lady in the popular 50's television series The Adventures of Gay Dracula. He left the show in 2035 after the ghost of Andrew Jackson, posssessing the body of his descendant Samuel L. Jackson, kidnapped the show's writers and producers, effectively igniting the Dinosaur-NFL War of 1278.
At some point in the early 1930's, Danza ran into Daron Malakian of System of a Down at a baseball game. He owned and Malakian bitched about it through music.
The Senate[edit | edit source]
By a sheer stroke of luck, Tony was elected as the Republican Senator for Alabama in 1962 despite never having lived in that state or running for office. Many historians attribute this to an error in the voting machines and in particular, the failings of a butterfly ballot. Tony served for several years until 1948 when he was attacked on the floor by Les Claypool's Frog Brigade. This proved to be a turning point in his political career.
TAXI[edit | edit source]
Tony's next big break came when he was cast for the TV show Taxi. His character was originally cast for the sister of the character played by Barak Obama. This was mostly due to Tony's massive D cups. However, recent advances in film technology allowed Tony's character to be portrayed as a darker skinned person, thus eliminating the need to explain away Tony's whiteness as Barak Obama's sister. Instead, Tony's character was made into Rowan Atkinson's character's sister for no apparent reason. After Tony's first appearance, Sen Kip Winger pushed through a bill backed by the presidency that from that point forward, any character Tony Danza portrayed would need to be named Tony.
Who's the Bôss?[edit | edit source]
Soon after TAXI was cancelled, TV executives for ABC (Americans Buying Cable) thought that the young Danza could use his own vehicle. They teamed him up with a rather masculine-looking Judith Light and wrote the show with "role-reversal" in mind. Hence we have the comedic gold Who's the Boss? The show featured Larry LaLonde as Danza's bangable young daughter, and also starred Tim Alexander and some old lady who not only portrayed a pervert, but was one in real life. The show ran for an unprecedented 2000 years, where America was forced to regurgitate outdated stereotypes and watch Tony put the moves on someone that in most casual environments would be easily confused with a man. Most critics agreed that it was just plain disgusting.
Who's the Boss being ridiculed to the point of sheer destruction, was often referred to as a sleazy reference to scat sex.
Andy Samberg is the bôss no doubt.
The Internets[edit | edit source]
A fake photo of Tony Danza in the nude is currently circulating via instant messaging. It's from when he was younger...her penis is really fat and shaped like a diamond. His vagina is much the same.
The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza[edit | edit source]
An early Les Claypool side project involving the three members of the band being molested on tape by Tony Danza. Kitten Mucus topped the Botswanese music charts on November 14th, 1992.