Peter North

Peter North in his historically acclaimed centaur form. This ancient portrait has been widely studied by generations of art historians for the past three years. The primal concern steming from the fourth leg of the centaur: whether it is merely a leg or an existential innuendo.

“I'm going to come!”

~ Peter North on being invited to his family reunion

“I'm going to C.O.M.E.!”

~ Peter North on attending the Conference Of Male Entertainers

“I'm going to come!”

~ Peter North on cute female faces

Peter North (Porn Star + Norse god of Virility, aka Michael Buffer), born 985 BC, is an armless, ten foot tall goliath of Arctic origin who resides in the tundric wastelands of Nova Scotia, Canada. He has worked extensively as a legitimate actor, being nominated for several Oscars over the years. Unfortunately, he continually screws his lines. And then comes in their mouths and faces.

In addition to being a brilliant mathematician, he is popularly known for his role in modern pornography but functions mostly as a cum depository for Warner Brothers when not on screen. Contrary to popular belief, Peter North has never slept with a woman; he just has sex with them and omits the sleeping part.

Biomechanics

North's "pole" in anatomy. We knew Santa had to live somewhere...

Peter North produces human semen at a rate comparable to 3.5 fully grown male elephants. It takes him approximately 36 hours to fully rejuvenate his internal supply in order to prepare for consecutive takes. Contrary to popular belief, his internal supply is in fact limited. Peter North's prolonged services to the porn industry have become indispensable and is often remarked as being an exceptional civil servant.

Peter North is now, in fact, made from curry, mayonnaise, brie, Elmer’s glue, goat milk AND marshmallows.

Name

Peter North is the greatest male porn star name. Technically there's nothing explicit in it; Peter does not mean penis, nor is north up. Yet somehow it just comes across that his cock is hard. Sublime!

Mobility and Advertising

The North Face with Peter North endorsement motto.

Because of his name, Peter North will under no circumstances move in any direction that is not north for fear that the ‘god of monikers' is vengeful and will strike him down with a jizz-bolt and cast him into the forever boiling tub of semen beside Satan’s Jacuzzi.

Because of this, every porn studio Peter performs in has to be lifted and carried a short distance north, sometimes only a few inches, so that Peter can wilfully traverse to them without fearing his life. These relocations have caused a lot of attention both from pedestrians and Warner Brothers who secretly own and control all porn production on behalf of the U.S. government in an effort to make the American population less sedentary.

Endorsements

This encouraged Hollywood producers to ask Peter to endorse The North Face because of his predisposed penchant towards faces and covering them with his ball custard. Apart from his salary, this is a source of secondary funds for Peter. He also owns a few pre-schools, car washes, and abortion clinics.

Faith

Aside from being a porn star and god, Peter is a very religious person and takes his faith seriously. He attends pagan mass everyday, usually after a long day on the job with his coworkers.

Along with his good friend Jenna Jameson, Peter is a member of the Pagan Multicultural Society (PMS) who condone the procreation of children for ritualistic sacrifice and conduct barbecues and orgies in tribute to the Norse god Odin; this is done in order to make allowances for their occasional good deeds done to lonely men via free porn accessible on the internet.

Peter also performs baptisms for a marginal fee of 1 metric litre of blood, semen, and fecal matter (combined).

Peter North about to perform a Norse baptism on Prince Charles following his conversion in 1980.

Knighthood

Peter North was knighted by the Queen of England shortly after his premier role in, God shave the teens, in 1959 following his two year stint in Asstrailia. As a ritual display of affection, Peter ejaculated on the queen almost immediately after receiving his ceremonial vows. This was an unexpected and archaic demonstration of gratitude that hadn’t been performed ceremonially since Tuesday; the queen and her vassals were quite delighted.

Peter then went on a nude-pilgrimage to every country in the world to spread his seed amongst the faithless. On behalf of his religion, Peter established the first clerical mission of Norse significance in the Soviet Union and China following the foundation his famed Young Men's Cum in the ASSociation (YMCA). Over one hundred missions, and or studios, were established in the midst of this great pilgrimage. The journey, which became known as "The Pilgrim's ProgrASS." with a dynamic emphasis on the "ASS" part; serves as a perpetual reminder of escalating human indecency and hedonism. A monumental tablet in the shape of an uncircumcised penis remains at the Jerusalem mission to observe the hardships incurred during the conversions that took place there.

Organic Peter North spizzle. Notice that the female enjoys it but the male seems naturally indifferent. Courtesy of CBS, 2006

Notable Quotes

- Don’t have oral sex with a woman if her vagina smells like a dumpster; that’s how I lost both my arms.

- Using ribbed condoms for anal-sex makes for better traction in the mud!

- I refuse to go South, East or Kanye West.

- My secret? I drink dishwashing liquid every morning instead of coffee. Remember, I'm a God. In normal humans it would probably cause death.