Glue

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Wrong f***ing G-word, assholes.
General Stuff:
Normal name: Glue
Nickname: Sticky white stuff
Symbol Gu
Atomic properties:
Atomic number: 137
Atomic weight: 385.564
Atomic diameter: Really, really tiny
Physical properties:
Melting point: 15 °C
Boiling point: 2,416 °F
Density: 47.8 long tons per cubic furlong
Stickiness: Yep
Sniffability: Oh yeah!!
Serving size: 1 hogshead
Calories per serving: 150
Taste: Almost, but not quite, entirely unlike chicken
A case where glue might come by handy: you've accidently killed your daddy with a shuriken and don't want anyone to know or you'll end up in a fosterhome and charged with first-degree murder. Now, he'll be as good as new (or as good as alive).

Glue (Glue?), not to be confused with paste, is a chemical element which, if it was one of the fake elements, would be underneath the bottom-most row of the periodic table where it could not be seen. In its primary form, glue is a whitish translucent ooziferous liquid that, when solidifies, bonds to almost any porous solid; although it is also known to exist as a disgusting brownish syrup that doesn't stick to anything at all.

Sources[edit | edit source]

Glue comes from glue deposits that are found deep inside horses. The world's largest supplier of white glue is Mister Ed[1]. As of 2005, strip mining operations have already devastated nearly 70% of the otherwise useless horse in order to provide industries and kindergartens with this precious gooey substance. The comparatively-recent invention of the glue stick was popularized by the Barbaro Plant in Baltimore, Maryland; though production of the original samples had taken several agonizing months.

Glue is used primarily in the manufacture of glue sticks, unicorn horns, and macaroni & glitter-dust artwork. It is also eaten, in mass quantities, by children. Children seem to use the otherwise, rather tasty glue as an aphrodisiac, explaining the massive population explosion in Britain since circa 1276 (the year glue was first found inside a dead horse).

Glue in culture[edit | edit source]

Glue is a staple part of the diet in Halifax, where the annual Glue Eating Festival brings thousands of visitors each year. Glue is sautéed, fried, boiled, mashed, sweetened, salted, grilled, simmered, broccolitized and caramelized, then smothered in Glue Dressing for a delicious effect that makes you vomit approximately 2.5 hours later. People who eat glue are called Glue-Heads, and wander aimlessly about in a perpetual state of stickiness, knowing neither which way is up or down, nor why they aren't wearing any underwear. Dr. Phil has has many frequent guests on the show who have been treated for glucoses[2]. Glucoses is a common affliction in Halifax, where people have nothing better to do.

Torturing with glue[edit | edit source]

Put some glue on your stinking bare foot, and attach it to the victim. Of course, it will stay there, and the victim's mouth will become your shoe. This is basically footsex: the saliva goes into the toenail fungus, and goes into your cells. Net result: you will have babies coming out of your toe gunk. The victim will stay attached to your feet, all thanks to the Power of Glue, forever, so he will have the pleasure of washing your feet, and getting FREE FOOT RUBS!

Pritt Stick[edit | edit source]

An animated Pritt Stick, performing "It's Raining (Glue) Men" (a classic hit that's stuck in (and on) all of our heads)

Pritt Sticks (a.k.a. Prat Sticks) are a brand of non-solvent glue sticks which means you can't sniff it (well, you can try to, but that'd just be plain stupid). Used by kids and paranoid morons alike, it will help to accidentally stick your face to your big toe and three of your fingers. It's main rival is Uhu (a.k.a. You-Hoo!) who make fountain pens filled with glue that leak all over your shirt or between your trouser legs so you end up walking around the room like a robot. There are now so many Pritt Stick variants, you need more fingers than the number of fingers stuck to your face to count them all. These include:

  • Small Pritt Stick (For Smurfs, Dwarves, Midgets and other non-categorised vertically-challenged men)
  • Jumbo Pritt Stick (a.k.a. Chubb-Chubb-Chubby and Greedy Glue)
  • That's What She Said Pritt Stick (for kids like Eman)
  • Pritt Thick-O (5e!F 3xPlaneToriy)
  • Pink Pritt Stick (Just for Girls... or camp boys)
  • KidsArt Blue Pritt Stick (for those of you who need to know they have put glue all over their desk)
  • Pritt Sticky Keys
  • Pritt Power Stick Glue Extra Strong (so it takes 3 days to unstick your 3 fingers)
  • Grue Stick (now with real genuine Grue!)
  • Pritter Pratter Rain Stick
  • Brown and Sticky Stick (ewww)
  • Big Stick (not to be used as a euphemism)
  • and of course... Pritt Stick Classic (the boring generic kind everyone has adhered to the bottom of their pencil case)

“Non-solvent? Damn!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pritt Sticks

Facts about glue[edit | edit source]

  • Glue is invisible and deadly in its gaseous state.
  • 99.9% of Nazis eat glue every day.
  • Glue FLOATS!
  • Glue is illegal to use in Los Angeles, Riverside, San Bernardino, Orange County, and Michigan by the Air Pollution Control office.
  • Glue is dastardly.
  • Glue is really good when its baked into a pie.
  • Glue is really good to use instead of melted cheese.
  • Glue is Chuck Norris's one true weakness[3]

Quotes on Glue[edit | edit source]

“You ale in a pitch brack loom. You ale rikery to be eaten by a glue.”

~ Chinese glueologist on Glue

“Glue is fracking AWESOME!”

~ Starbuck on Glue

“Glue? I can afford heroin, you fuckheads...”

~ Bill Hicks on Glue

Sticky-notes[edit | edit source]

  1. The stickiest and strongest of their product line is SeaBiscuit, known throughout the galaxy as "D'OH, I've glued my lip to my forehead" glue.
  2. A physiological condition caused by eating too much glue while running backwards on a treadmill.
  3. WTF CHUCK NORRIS HAS NO WEAKNESS!

See also[edit | edit source]