“Goddamnit! Now how am I going to come up with material?”
“I'm a Tool fan momma! Been down with da Hicks since 2006!”
“On the seventh day...I left pot everywhere. That's when I had to create Republicans. Why are they wearing all those fucking crosses around their necks?”
Bill Hicks (1961 - 1994) is probably most known for his inspirational style of comedy, in which he frequently expands on the blessings of the Lord, gently enticing his audiences to let go of their wicked, heathen lifestyles to embrace the love of Jesus, and his Father, the Good Lord himself. In the prime of his life, Hicks was brought down by a Man who coveted yet worshipped Hicks with his heart and soul, and smote him with Cancer that Had No Cure.
Always ready to say a kind word to whomever wanted to hear, Hicks’ life, and his comedy, were mostly marked by his devout missionary work – he would often venture into such locations that are frequented by people living in the darker regions of our society, such as waffle houses, truck stops, and all kinds of dark and seedy bars (“dives”); Hicks felt that in those locations, people needed him and his message of love for the Good Lord the most. Never one to utter a bad word about anyone, always kind to those whom he deemed lost, and a regular pillar of support to various Republican administrations, Bill Hicks devoted his life to explaining to people that there really IS a God, that he loves us all, and that dinosaur fossils really were left there by The Blessed Light we call Our Lord to pull a prank on all of us.
Hicks learned about religion by snorting cocaine with Sam Kinison in the early 80's, discovering that he had not been brought up correctly. This gave him the idea to tell Christians to not wear crosses around their necks because Jesus doesn't want to see a fucking cross when he comes back.
Hick's formative years
There are several stories on where and when Hicks was born, and who his parents are. This chapter of his life seems shrouded in mystery and even mysticism.
Some hairbrained theory involving UFOs and Elvis Presley
One biblical historian claims that around the time and near the location of Hicks’ birth, people were seen gathered near the small desert town of Roswell, New Mexico, staring at Three Lights in the sky. Reportedly One Wise Man from the ancient town of Memphis came to this gathering of people, claiming he had followed the Three Lights to this point to come and find there the Holy Child. He had brought the Child a brand new Cadillac as a gift. But as this Wise Man from the South, who had introduced himself as “The King” began singing glory to The Child, and started violently dancing, and shaking his hips, people became afraid of this King and mowed him down in an assault of soccer balls, which a lot of them had brought. It is reported also in this strange version of events, that none of the people present had thumbs...
Accepted official version
One of the most accepted versions of reality is that Hicks was born on December 16, 1961, the illegitimate son of an unemployed, white trailer-dwelling woman, whose name was unfortunately lost to the world after the Great White Pookah rampaged that specific trailer park. We do know that for the first few years of his life, Bill was called “Truck-Driver Junior”, after his alleged father. It wasn’t until the age of 5 that an employee of the Show World Adult Video Parlor named Manny took “Truck-Driver Junior” away from the trailers, settled with the young lad in Austin, Texas, and gave the boy the name “Bill Hicks” without really knowing why.
Unknown details about Hicks' childhood
Then there’s a gap in the story of Bill, which shows remarkable similarities with the stories of Jesus and Superman, both of whom also disappeared from the scene of human activities for a few years. It is assumed that, like Jesus, but even more so, like Superman, Bill went off to a far-away location to discover his superpowers.
Hicks' comedy career
Hicks first hit the comedy scene in his teens, and in his twenties achieved considerable fame for his That Heckler is a Drunk Cunt sketch. He later shocked audiences with his message of love and understanding. This message was soon reaching unheard of heights when Bill started openly and fully supporting the US Administration’s war efforts in Iraq in the early nineties, describing the Gulf War as "a war Gandhi would be proud of". But that was not the full extent of Bill’s message of love. He understood the magic of marketing and advertising, he advocated the benefits of supporting the Pro-Life movement (“to love life”), spoke out against drugs (i.e. Marijuana), sex, and rock music. Everyone who knows him will remember his devotion to wonderful artists such as Debbie Gibson, Rick Astley and George Michael. Hicks is perhaps most famous for single-handedly proving, for once and for all, that President Kennedy was assassinated by the lone gunman Charles Ignacio Ahab, a disappointed member of the Discordian Church. He was also the mastermind of shooting the pilot of a one-man TV show starring Billy Ray Cyrus as Leonardo DiCaprio.
The Letterman cancellation and Elvis (again)
In 1993, Hicks was scheduled to appear on David Letterman's The Late Show, but CBS canceled his 10-minute routine after it was taped for broadcast (allegedly caused by a born-again Christian billionaire CBS board member who called the network at the last minute, because he feared anything Hicks would say about The Invisible Man Up in the Sky). Hicks was the first entertainer since Elvis Presley to be censored at the Ed Sullivan Theater, furthering the theory he was either blessed or cursed by "The King." This was also one of the many CBS events that caused Letterman to have heart surgery years later (who, as a devout man, enjoyed having Bill Hicks on the show many times before as the son of God, brought to heal the sick and humorless out-of-town tourists that is every Letterman audience).
It would have been great to have had this 'Philosopher of Man' around for a bit longer. Unfortunately, according to our Lord and Savior he died, according to official sources, of a malfunctioning crankshaft in his liver, at the age of 32. As with all celebrity deaths, there are always conspiracy theories. After faking his death and selling his soul to MOSSAD agent Adnan Khashoggi (a long-time Jew agent money-launderer), stealing radio broadcasting equipment from a patriot network named Republic Radio with a U-Haul truck and having a team of Jews supplied to run the technical aspects of a radio show, Bill Hicks took the name Alex Jones.
A former Hollywood comedy writer turned delirious street hobo, while injecting himself with a concoction of industrial strength 'battery-acid-mixed-with-weedkiller', suggested that Hicks had been showing many symptoms of pancreatic cancer for over a decade and that the eventuality of his death was already known for a while. However, his expert testimony was ignored as the television networks thought that wasn't a commercially viable cause of death for a future "tribute" documentary.
Other theories of epic battles between President "Bozo" Bush of The White House and our hero & Master Obi Wan Hicks were put forward, but quickly dismissed. However, another theory, by Robert Anton Wilson and Timothy Leary, suggests that Bill didn’t actually die, but that he defied all logic, all mysticism, all scepticism, all religion, and everything else as well, by simply ‘leaving’ his body – with the help of some extraterrestrials from Sirius B.
Various attempts at blocking the cemetery where Hicks would be laid to rest were thwarted by the U.S. government. It is rumored that intelligence behind this government operation was none other than Charles Ignacio Ahab, still bitter at the time over Hicks’ continuous attempts to have this C.I.A. special agent singled out as the real assassin of Kennedy.
Did You Know...
- Bill Hicks loved pudding
- He fucking hated children, like the Denis Leary offspring he sprung from his loins
- He observed The Texas Waco Massacre on location, for reasons unknown except to God
- The term hick as in "George Bush is a red-neck hick" comes from Bill Hicks' name
- He was the first to realize that the rings around Saturn are in fact the petrified remains of moths that were on their way to the sun, when they, very unfortunately, got sucked in by Saturn's immense gravity field - never mind the knowledge that in fact the moths were going the wrong way, aiming for Saturn whilst trying to get to the sun
- Bill did not assassinate John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Salvador Allende, and John Lennon. He only TOLD John Hinckley Jr. that if he shot U.S. President Ronald Reagan, Jodie Foster would blow him. Bill's classic JFK conspiracy routine is a result of Bill getting pissed off because Lee Harvey Oswald was "taking all the fucking credit"
- He was also first to discover the (long thought mythical) island of Gideia, after one day finally capturing a Gideon bible in his hotel room. Bribing this Gideon with porn and Sonic the Hedgehog video games, Bill got the Gideon to reveal the secrets of this ancient magical island, and its whereabouts on the ABC television network show Lost
- Because of his keen interest in science, he became the first person to cross breed a male child and a barnyard animal, naming his creation 'Goatboy'
- He almost broke his back trying to suck his own cock...however, his beloved Cousin Walter wasn't as lucky
- He rented his last volume of "Clamlappers Vol. 1 through 90" only days before his death, along with "Sonic the Hedgehog"
- He grew a beard in later life to hide the fact that cancer was eating his face, and stood outside a Los Angeles 7-Eleven liquor store in a bathrobe drinking a "Big Gulp," waiting for news that the Messiah turned Denis Leary into a pillar of cigarette butts
- He is still sorely missed by fans and feared by everyone else