Mile-High Club

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This article is about the 18th century British secret society. For the modern-day exclusive club for men, see Mile High Club.

The Mile-High Club was an secretive sect formed in England in the early years of the 1750's. The secrecy of the organization was necessary in the sexually conservative society in Britain at the time, with the lengths that members went to in order to achieve full membership being looked down upon by most citizens. Despite this, there were regular applications for acceptance into the Club, which regularly could boast of a roster of several hundred Initiate-level members, though only a very tiny minority of these would complete the task required for full membership.

That task, to the shock of many who hear of it, was to engage in sexual congress at a height of no less than 5,280 feet, or one mile. This task seems daunting enough even at first glance, but with some thought, historians believe that the reasons why full membership was achieved by so few to be obvious.

Expense[edit | edit source]

Ignoring the societal aspects, which could be quite severe, the difficulties with achieving the task seem almost insurmountable. Since the islands of Britain contain no spots whatsoever that rise to a height of a mile, the task could not be completed without first travelling to mainland Europe. This immediately excluded all the members of the peasant class, and all but the most determined members of the middle class, as travel at the time was prohibitively expensive.

Ever Tried to Get Your Bone on After Climbing a Mountain?[edit | edit source]

Imagine spending days getting to the top of that monster, and then trying to get it up while knowing that you're standing on top of the world's largest class of penis-resembling objects.

Mountain climbing is an incredibly torturous physical ordeal. Many men of the time found it hard to get sexually motivated even in the comfort of their own local brothel; the harsh conditions involved in peaking a mountain resulted in an exhaustion that few could overcome. The low atmospheric pressure at this height could result in hypoxia, and it's really hard to get a boner when your brain think it's suffocating. The extremely low temperatures, exacerbated by the high wind speed, at the top of a mountain also contribute to the turtling of the penis. This can be countered by reminding the penis that it will, very shortly, be immersed in one of the warmest environments it will ever know. This technique seems to have middling success.

Mountains, as phallic symbols, are daunting[edit | edit source]

Belief in the mightiness of one's shlong is paramount to sexual success. An intimidated man will have difficulty achieving erection, and no matter how incredibly massive you believe your dangle-ham to be, it's unlikely that it can compare to 5000+ feet and millions of tons of mountain. Naturally, unfavorable comparisons are made. Many a member, having overcome the financial and physical difficulties inherent in simply getting to the required location to perform the act, cannot overcome the psychological barriers, and has wound up crying in the arms of his partner, telling her of his childhood difficulties while they both slowly freeze to death. This became known, in the jargon of the Club, as 'screwing the pooch'.

Finding a Partner[edit | edit source]

An example of a really hot, sexually adventurous peasant

As most aspiring members of the Club were in the Aristocratic class, so too were most of their wives and high-class prostitutes, the people they would naturally turn to to make the journey with them. However, these dainty, high class ladies most often wanted nothing to do with travelling, scaling mountains, or actually having sex with the men. Alternatives, therefore, had to be explored.

Peasant Women[edit | edit source]

In the early days of the club, the only available alternative was a woman from the peasant class. These women, accustomed to long hours of hard labor, could make ideal partners for the trek. They also tended to have lusty senses of humor, rife with sexual innuendo, and the class as a whole rapidly earned a reputation in the club for their ability to help a member who was on the verge of 'screwing the pooch' with their sexually aggressive attitudes. It was also not difficult to find one who was at least moderately attractive, increasing the pleasurableness of the experience. The major drawback was the expense involved; in addition to doubling the costs of the trip itself, the peasant woman usually required a large lump sum of money as well. This put these good people out of range of the less affluent of the Club's elite, and so for years only the wealthiest, or those with gullible wives, were able to join the ranks of full members.

Sherpas[edit | edit source]

Imagine this rolling her eyes at you as you try to finish your business.

As the popularity of the group grew, it came to be noticed by the hardy indigenous mountain people of the Alps. Over the course of several years, these people gathered information, and finally deduced the actual ultimate purpose of all these frail tourists and their skinny women. In an effort to increase their fortunes, they began to offer a service; local women were willing to guide a potential member to the top of the mountain, and there complete the act with them. This opened the floor to membership by those closer to the middle class. Though the trip itself was still expensive, it was far cheaper than paying for the journey for two, and the rates charged by the mountain people were far less than those asked by English peasant women. However, English women were often so exhilarated by the travels and the climb that they would participate with a vigor formerly unknown to man. Their ecstatic moans cries were known to cause the occasional avalanche.

The downside to the arrangement was inherent in the appearance and attitude of the mountain women; see the included photograph for one of the potential difficulties. This, for obvious reasons, did not help in the department of the pants. Adding to the problem was the women's attitudes; since scaling the mountain was an everyday occurrence for these women, they would simply flop down and allow the customer to go about his business, looking extremely bored and unimpressed with the whole thing. Again, this could produce problems with downward-directed blood flow.

To Summarize:[edit | edit source]

If one was rich, he would bring a local; they were better looking and would ride like they were escaping from something. If one couldn't afford a local, one would hire an Alpian. They were cheaper, and with some effort, one could get the bland, joyless work done.

Modern Day[edit | edit source]

The Club was disbanded shortly after the advent of modern flight. With mile-high sex within the grasp of any exhibitionist with enough money for a cut-rate plane ticket to Las Vegas, the act was judged to be too easy to warrant special recognition. The members went their separate ways and formed offshoot clubs of their own, such as the Mile Underwater Club, the Mile Underground Club, and the Paris Hilton Survivors Association.

Anyone today claiming to be a member of the mile high club overestimates his own prowess by a factor of thousands. Compare him to the travails of the intrepid adventurers listed above, and you will see why.