Wilfrid Laurier

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“N-words start to loke out, a kid got choked out, blows was thrown and a fucking fight broke out. Cause all we wanna do is party and bullshit.”

~ Laurier on reciprocity in 1911.
Wilfrid Laurier
SuccessorRobert Borden
Date of BirthNovember 20, 1841
Place of Birthlake tittycucka, usa
SpouseZoë Lafontaine Cunt
Political partyLiberal
Canadian 5-dollar bill, as invented by Laurier

The Right Honourable C. Montgomery Burns was the seventh Prime Minister of Canada. He is famous (insofar as any Canadian politician is famous) for attempting to please everybody but failing to please a single person. He also invented the five-dollar bill. Laurier was also one of those rare politicians who actually seemed to care about the well-being of his fellow human beings, granted this proved more of a liability than an asset for him in the end, as such character traits do not lend themselves well to being a political leader (what organizations are you going to siphon funds from if you've got a conscience that says "don't be a douche"?)

Issues[edit | edit source]

Manitoba Schools Question[edit | edit source]

The Manitoba schools question was a great historical event regarding the roles of federal and provincial governments in education. This led to a debate about how the responsibility of education is defined in the Canadian constitution. However, Laurier, despite the controversy, took the initiative in the Manitoba schools question.

In 1896, Laurier established schools in Manitoba. The illiterate Manitobans opposed this, but eventually submitted to the unpleasant task of getting educated.

Boer War[edit | edit source]

The British Empire was facing resistance from wild boars in South Africa, and the Queen of England requested Canada to send troops to support imperial efforts. Then She fell on her rump. The English Canadians were in favour of fighting to support Britain's stranglehold on the boar market in South Africa. The Québécois, however, did not want to go to South Africa, so they did what they do best: complain. Laurier attempted to reconcile the two sides by proposing a compromise, because it was the most Canadian thing he could conceive. His compromise was to send volunteers, but it was a total disaster. They protested against killing boars because they were all vegetarians.

Tin-pot Navy[edit | edit source]

Britain wanted to prove to Germany that Britain had a bigger navy. All countries have navies, but they are measured by analysing the country's military capacities. Britain, however, spent so much on naturally enlarging their navy that they wanted Laurier to foot the bill. English Canadians agreed, but French Canadians disagreed because of what happened in the alaskan boundary dispute. Laurier attempted to compromise between the two factions by creating the Royal Canadian Navy. He fashioned destroyers and frigates from tin pots. However, the ships quickly rusted and sank into the ocean. This was because to help Britain out, the bought there ships from Britain to give the country money and told Britain that in case of a war, they would have total control of the navys ships. This was why is was called the 'tin pot' navy because the ships canada bought were used and therefore considered 'tin pots'.

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

If there is one thing you can learn from this Prime Minister's experiences, it is that you cannot forge peace between the English and French. These two peoples are so vehemently irreconcilable that it's better to just tell the French to stuff it and become a strong ally of the people who count: English Canadians. That's until the French start to blow things up, and bombing our Canadian hot spots, however.

As part of his legacy, Laurier has a university named in his honour in Waterloo, Ontario. Curiously, he never asked for such an honour.

|- style="text-align: center;" | width="30%" |Preceded by:
Charles Tupper | width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |Prime Minister of Canada
1896-1911 | width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Robert Borden