Avril Lavigne

Christ, we get it, you own a lot of neckties.

Avril Ramona Lavigne (born 27 September 1984) is a Canadian singer, songwriter, actress, and early 2000s icon. She belongs to the seemingly endless category of young female "singer-songwriters" who are convienient sockpuppets for music industry professionals. She is also known as Advil Lavender.

At age 17, Lavigne was a sockpuppet of a trio known as The Matrix, spearheaded by Lauren Christy, a failed pop star notable for writing one minor hit before realizing financial success in the music industry was easier to achieve when manipulating a teenager from backstage. Lavigne has been passed around to other puppeteers since then, including the ubiquitous Max Martin, but that is, as mentioned, beyond the scope of this article. She allegedly has several clones and has died several times.

Career[edit | edit source]

1998–2001: Early work[edit | edit source]

In 1999, a 15-year-old Lavigne won a radio contest that allowed her to appear on stage for fifteen minutes with Shania Twain. During those fifteen minutes, Antonio Reid, the head of Arista Records, decided she had that "underacheiving teen whore" look that would allow him to sell her to teenagers who enjoy skateboarding. Thus, he offered her $1.25 million to allow The Matrix to insert their arms into her from behind and parade her around stage, flapping her mouth with their hands. Lavigne accepted, the three members of The Matrix made reasonably tight fists, Lavigne assumed a squatting position and allowed gravity to do its job, and the marriage was consummated.

2001–07: Pop punk era[edit | edit source]

By 2002, Lavigne had turned 18, and released her album "Let Go," a reference to the fact that the three hands clenching her tonsils had begun to cause her significant discomfort. "Let Go" was spearheaded by the single "Sk8er Boi," which appealed to skaters because it mentioned them. As the "skateboarder" was still a nascent cultural identity, skaters were beside themselves Ewith joy at their existence being acknowledged by mainstream corporate pop music. The song began with the lyrics:

He was a boy

And she was a girl

Can I make it any more obvious?

Unsurprisingly, Lavigne was swiftly sued by the estate of William Shakespeare for so blatantly stealing the prologue to Romeo and Juliet.

However, even this lawsuit failed to derail the success of the song, due to a prevailing opinion among skaters that Lavigne was more culturally relevant than Shakespeare and that he was probably somehow stealing from her in the future. (Several marijuana-inspired diagrams of this theft were produced in support of this assertion). Encouraged by Lavigne's newfound popularity, The Matrix flapped another follow-up hit out of Lavigne's jaws, this time with the following lyrics:

Uh-huh,

Life's like this

Uh-huh, uh-huh

That's the way it is

'Cause life's like this

Uh-huh, uh-huh

That's the way it is

This "song," too, swiftly became one of the most major hits of the 2000s, which probably says something about that decade.

2007–2013: Pop pop era[edit | edit source]

Nowadays, she can usually be seen walking around crowded city streets wearing Ronald Reagan as a penis after taking him out on loan from the Bronx Zoo. She says having a republican for a penis is quite liberating.

2014-present: The Princess Era[edit | edit source]

Since April 2014, Avril lost the ability to write music, so she asked and even begged Chad Kroeger to write her a song. However, the song did not turn out the way that Avril wanted it to be, so she thought that there would be a second chance in the music video. Considering that she thought the music video for Hello Kitty was the shittiest thing mankind ever created, she forced Chad to the bathroom and beat him up so bad that Chad died just five minutes later. After that point, no one mentions or hears about Avril Lavigne anymore. Even though that is true, she actually fled to a small remote island so that she could actually be not only a pop punk princess, but also the princess of the island.

In 2016 she converted to Christianity and released a Christian album called Head Above Water. She would then return to her pop punk roots in 2022 with I Suck.