Prime Minister of Canada

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“They play a good game of Trivial Pursuit!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Canadian Prime Ministers
Pierre Trudeau, John Turner and Jean Chrétien draw straws to see who gets to be PM after Lester B. Pearson. Turner lost, and promptly went home crying after everyone laughed at him.

The Prime Minister of Canada is the absolute and total despot of Canada. He (or she, once upon a time) can do what every they want — so long as the provincial premiers agree. And the Governor General. And the Queen. And the US President. And your mom.

When speaking to the general public, the Prime Minister usually uses the "Oz" method.

Qualifications and selection[edit | edit source]

Any Canadian above the age of forty who was born in Quebec and has spent at least twenty years in the Liberal Party can become Prime Minister. Even the dangerously incompetent and corrupt. They must then buy the allegiance of Ontario and Quebec, and ignore the rest of the country.

Term[edit | edit source]

Until they pull him out of his seat. Due to a lack of term limits, some Prime Ministers have served exceptionally long terms, including the late William Lyon Mackenzie King (1867-present).

Role and Powers[edit | edit source]

The Prime Minister has a wide array of powers at their disposal. From Prime Minster's lair Office, he can pass all kinds of crazy laws — with the support of the country, of course.

He can also:

  • Create, reorganize and destroy noobs and trolls to pass the time.
  • Appoint senile buddies (Mike Duffy) into the Senate, where they can do nobody any harm.
  • Command the Canadian military (National Tank, the dingies, oh and our fleet of water pistols, stolen at dingie point from the kids next door)
  • Beg the colombian President for assistance, which he will reply "Go to hell, you commie piss-ant!"
  • Be on 22 Minutes, Royal Canadian Air Farce, and Rick Mercer Report, Canada's greatest soap operas EVER!!!
  • Make the Governor General degrout their toenails
  • Lie, cheat, and steal and be immune from responsibility.
  • Legalize anything he wants, even if a majority of the people do not approve of it.
  • Take over as King of the Internet for Canada.
  • Do as much booze drinking, as many broads, as much porn surfing, and as much Kitten Huffing as he wants.
  • Change the government to a Socialist or Communist government and ignore the constitution and the people in the process.
  • Support terrorists by allowing them to become Canandian citizens without the need for background checks, because of professional courtesy.
  • Raise taxes as high as he wants them to be, as well as increase pork spending projects that make no sense.
  • Do favours for corporations that he owns stock in, or that his political friends hold stock in.
  • Do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around
  • Control the lumber and paper markets via controlling the market price, and dumping them on foreign markets below the fair market price. Because Canada is full of trees, eh?
  • Conceal the secret of Corn and Corn related items from the Canadian public at all costs.

Prize[edit | edit source]

The Winner of a Federal Election in Canada will win; a $5 coupon to Tim Hortons, A Quilt made by Beavis's Grandma, A Free side of Fries with Purchase of a Hamburger at Mcdonalds, A 10 free Subway Sand witch Gift Card with 9 used up and a Fish (No Chips.) This stuff is real, I would swear it on a stack of bibles as high as the CN Tower (though the bible thing doesn't matter since I am an Ehtheist).

Types[edit | edit source]

Political Scientists have determined there are two major classes of Canadian Prime Ministers. Class I, or Classical Prime Ministers. These Prime Minsters have long half-lives (300 years to ~20 billion years), continuing to serve even long after the source is long worn and depleted. These Prime Minsters are characterized by:

  • Highly dense, with such matter concentrated in a small, petty space.
  • Ability to bond and break bonds with "allies", but always to preserve itself — and with a net gain in energy.
  • the constant need of observation, less there be concentrated elsewhere.

Recently, with the discovery of Joe Clark, a new Class II or quickly decaying Prime Ministers, with short half lives (~1.2 nanoseconds to 2 months). Thus far, no theory has been widely accepted for their rapid decay: research is ongoing.

There is also class R, or Robot Rime Rimisters. These Prime Ministers can Robot dance. Stephen Harper, so far, -Jack Layton would be next- is the only known Rime Rimister to do this.

List of possibly mythical true Canadian Prime Ministers[edit | edit source]

Below is a complete list of the possibly mythical true Canadian Prime Ministers. While modern historians choose the standard fake list, others dispute this and claim that their list is in fact correct, with carbon dating evidence as backing. They are wrong correct, but here is the complete list anyway. (Note: Prime Ministers starting at Jean Chrétien and after him are indisputable fact, and are the same on both lists.)

  • 1. John A. Macdonald (1867-1873)
  • 2. Alexander Keith (1873-1878)
  • 3. John A. Macdonald (second term) (1878-1891)
  • 4. Rex Murphy (1891-1957)

The 5th through to the 12th Prime Ministers are so umimportant that historians tend to casually 'forget' to include them in lists such as this one and often forget to call them back after dates. The 5th through to the 12th Prims Minister would really appreciate it if historians would stop that, but are focusing their attention on finding new historians...ones that, you know, respect them for who they are, like long walks on the beach...(sigh)

Not-so standard realistic list of Canadian Prime Ministers[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]