New Brunswick
"New Brunswick, the loneliest place in the pants of George Dubya"
“New Brunswick, eh?”
“Hey guys, we're in New Brunswick again. Who needs more weed?”
“So New Brunswick is part of Newfoundland... right?”
“Cute Little Fellers...”
New Brunswick is an artificial city-state constructed seven miles in the air above the old site of Brunswick. Some people believe it has no weather.
Many studies have proven that New Brunswick exists for the sole purpose of adding an extra six hours to any car trip in the Maritimes.
Old Brunswick[edit | edit source]
(split during WWII) There is no difference between New Brunswick and Old Brunswick, the name was merely changed in the 1950's in an attempt to revitalize the economy.
Climate[edit | edit source]
New Brunswick has a climate akin to a tropical rain forest apart from the tropic. The forest part is entirely a moot point because New Brunswick is a completely man-made place and it is in mid-air, floating like Jebus
The air in New Brunswick is necessarily thin because it is so high up, but it doesn't get any natural cloud or, by extension, rainfall because it's above all that. It does have a permanent cloud cover though because it has been the centre for all of earth's industry since it was built in 1995. Also, it's damned freezing up there, and the wind is perishing, so people have taken to staying indoors all day with the heating on.
Major Cities[edit | edit source]
Moncton is New Brunswick's bestest city and is the centre of all the world industries and is the economic capital of the world. Minto is where they chew tobacco, sometimes shipped in from Chipman. , Saint John's economy is based on fur-trading, heroin, splash pants, and the smell of shit. No one has ever actually seen Saint John as it is completely covered in fog at all times, it is just kind of a myth, like Atlantis. Miramichi is the fat capital of North America, the average weight of this city is 500 pounds. The average day for a Miramichier is the go to McDonalds get two double cheeseburgers, go to Ben's get 2 sliders, and finished off the meal with a econo dinner at Dixie Lee. Mirimichi is know for Salmon fishing and women who smell like salmon baking in the sun.
Capital City[edit | edit source]
Fredericton is the capital city of the Irving clearcut called New Brunswick. With a population of about 25 dying white elm trees, Fredericton boasts the largest cannabis culture west of Minto. It has been noted that one can not actually see Fredericton from the air because of the thick plumes of smoke billowing out from it. Drum circles are usually strung across the south side of Fredericton. The northside of Fredericton smells like unemployment and empty colt 45's and one can readily find a prostitute working the streets of Marysville any time of the year except when welfare cheques come in at the begginning of the month. There is a large population of white teens on the Northside who truly believe they are straight up Gangstas. This misconception has plagued the city since early 2007 when low-budget, underground rap artists began popping up with weak battle tracks and a general penchant for the real Slim Shady.
Important Landmarks and Features[edit | edit source]
BIG THINGS
- The Big Magnet in Moncton
- The Big Chef-guy with the Hamburger near Sussex
- The Big Cow near Sussex
- The Big Salmon in Campbellton
- The Big Blueberry near Salisbury
- The Big Lobster in Shediac
- The Big Bulwinkle Thing at Animalland
Politics[edit | edit source]
The current president of (New)Brunswick is Sir Dave All-Weird. He lives in the capitol city of Freddy-ricton. Sir All-weird use to be a popular marijuana farmer for Jimmy Hoffa and former Saint John Mayor Elsie Wayne or El Seaswine. The New Brunswick senate is full of swearing politicians, who get expelled on a regular basis. Another notable New Brunswick Politician was Frank McKenna, who is most remembered for inventing the call centre. Also there was former Premier Richard Hatfield who is best known for being busted with Pot in his luggage while being visited by the Queen of England. Rumours persist today that he was huffing a bong with Ol 'liz the day before. Coincidentally Hatfield's parents used to own a Potato Chip plant..... not shit'n ya.....
Transport[edit | edit source]
There are several major highways in NB, including one which travels to PEI for some reason. All roads are closed in the winter, as nobody really has much to do in the winter anyway and clearing snow is a hassle. There is also a magicalal roller coster that dumb tourist use to go into the sky (to get high). The primary source of traffic is Moose, which is seconded by Ford F-150s. Most communities do not have stop lights, but in the case of McAdam, they do have the colors picked out.
Currency[edit | edit source]
All of the currency in NB has been spent, however there is a new plan in place for the province to secure Canadian funds by having every person between the age of 12 and 75 move to fort McMurray for a 6 month period and send all pay back east. Should this prove successful, NB residents will be able to buy steel tools, ammunition and boots from the rest of Canada again.
The closest thing to currency happens to be alcohol, marijuana, and Canadian Tire Money.
New Brunswickers often have extended garages and sheds on thier property. This is used to house thier retiremnt savings, which is comprised mainly of aluminum cans and beer bottles. (Recent amendments to tax law has ment many people are adding plastic pop bottles and tetra drink containers to thier stash. This is known in Madawaska County as Freedom 55)
Saint John[edit | edit source]
In the (mythical?) Saint John, it is said that it could have been the trade center of New Brunswick and possibly the entire maritime area, but some politician (Harper?) didn't like that the area was extremely sunny so he took all of the fog from everywhere else that no longer has fog and placed it in Saint John, decreasing trade and causing many people to move away because of apparent hazards on roads.
Saint John also has the Moosehead brewery, which is their most prized possession. Most of the other provinces wanted this brewery, but after tasting it for the first time, they all decided it wasn't that good and questioned why they wanted it in the first place. It is still loved by New Brunswickians and apparently Quebecians, although it is unknown why they like it. Some say it is because they are used to worse.
Saint John also apparently buys marijuana from Quebec in exchange for their beer. This is the extent of relations with Quebec since the authorities cracked down on the cross-boarder strip club hopping by the boys from Millidgeville.
Saint John is also home to the Irvings (when they aren't overseas avoiding taxes). The Irvings are primarily noted for owning the province, clear cutting most of it, and polluting the rest. They do have a fine looking oil refinery that pukes out a fire ball every seven years, marking the renewal of thier agreement with Satan to make people suffer through deliveies by Midland Transport and bad coffee at the Blue Canoe. They also own the water works, three of the four railroads, electric compnay, and boardwalk. In Saint John the purple properties are all in the south end.
Saint John also has a famous landmark known as the reversing falls, which is actually a coverup for Irving's anti-gravity device used to send the currency of the province to the moon, which is of course, a tax-free zone.
Quispamsis[edit | edit source]
Pronounced similar to "Kiss-Pam's Quif", Pam moved out in the 70's by the way..... This town is made up of several thousand welfare recipiants, dozen or so self employed "business owners", while everyone else heads to Saint John to mooch a job off the Irvings. Quispamsis is located in the Kennebacasisisisisisisisis valley and features some modern upgrades like the a Pub/Pizza Delight called the Barnwood, the Q-Plex (Located up the tunnel from the G-Spot), and a Tim Hortons that runs out of coffee twice a month. The official town motto is "Are you done with that VLT?"
Quispamsis is home to the Crusaders, a bunch of guys on bad acid who play sports at the local highschool while wearing full plate armour. Several Crusaders have gone on to professional sporting careers, but are not important enough to mention here.
The town mascot is unofficially the White tailed deer, which has a higher poppulation density that the people living there, and is granted more rights by the government.
Language[edit | edit source]
Asshole 1 - "T'est ben fuckin gay"
Asshole 2 - "Ah chouse, fait moi pas marcher la, tu woiras jte corkeras dans la face de sarvice."
Asshole 1 - "Ouaille tete ouaille, asseille moi!"
Asshole 3 - "Allez-vous vous gasser la face avant d'aller racer nos kiddie-bikes?"
New Brunswick is also known for it's blasphemous made-up words and phrases.
"Christ on a crutch." "Jesus Christ on a hotplate!" "Jesus H. Murphy!" "Lord tunderin!" "Glorius Puudd!"
Jesus. adj.: meaning unknown. "Shut the Jesus door would ya, we're tryin ta hot-box this bitch."
Puckerbrush. n.: weeds and thorny shit you wander through in the woods while hunting squirrels
Economy and Trade[edit | edit source]
The main exports of New Brunswick are bark, sticks, low-grade marijuana, contaminated soil and young skilled workers.
New Brunswick also exports a patently wrong and ethically dubious imitation of poutine.
Every fourth year New Brunswick ships a load a Bullshit to it's residents and elects another Premier who can't add, read, or make friends with the rest of Canada.
As previously mentioned there is no importing into New Brunswick. Nor is there any internal economy, because no one wants anything. In fact, no one there knows there is anything else to want. The entire populace is oppressed to the point where they no longer are aware that they live. Send help! Tell the UN! People must be told about the totalitAAA£££££ ££ #4 +++NO CARRIER+++
