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"Poutine", the sacrament eaten every Sunday at Canadian Ehtheist churches in honour of, The Right Honourable Prime Minister Poutine, PC, MP, GED.

“The poutine in Quebec, he tastes like the shit

~ Oscar Wilde on Poutine

“Poutine would be more popular if everybody didn't hate Quebecers”

~ Anonymous on Poutine

Poutine was the Prime Minister of Canada from 711-725 AD. He is to Canada what pâté de foie gras and Jerry Lewis are to France, combined.

Discovery and Modern Use[edit | edit source]

While his 14-year rule lead to significant cultural advancements, including the establishment of Atheism as the national religion, he is best known for the bizarre accident in which he died. While attempting to make a giant cauldron of gravy for his Thanksgiving dinner, he was absentmindedly snacking on cheese fries, which he had invented a week ago. He slipped on a banana and fell into the gravy, along with his fries and a small irish slave. While his loved ones were horrified upon discovering his gooey corpse, they had to admit that he was pretty tasty. A Pontiac variant of this recipe is to use a carcass of a Quebec Language Police officer for the gooey part and the rather thick skull for the bowl which has roughly the equivalent insulating R-value as styrofoam and tastes about the same.

Atheists quickly realized the importance of his discovery, and introduced batches of "poutine" (some containing a little bit of His Irish slave, some vegetarian) into their weekly religious services. For it is written, "The Lord is my food cart, I shall not go hungry."

Also Note: Poutine is known to give the consumer special powers, such as the 'Power to Ignore American Imperialism Even Though It Is Obviously Corrupting the Land of the Igloo'

Other Things Called Poutine[edit | edit source]

When on pilgrimage to Québec, one must be cautious not to confuse «poutine» with «putain» - otherwise who knows what you may end up eating.

New Brunswick also exports a variation of poutine, in which the ingredients are actually compressed under a heavy weight until they congeal into a solid lump which resembles a medicine ball.

Often confused with the food, Vladimir Putin is the current czar of Russia. His name comes from the fact that the Poutine clan of Cocksacks were well known for their sallow complexions, weakness for cheese, gravy and fried potatoes and their tendency to die early from heart disease. Poutine Gaufrette-Odorante is the best friend of Groslard Toilette-Puante.

Frequently Asked Questions[edit | edit source]

  • Does anyone really actually eat something that looks like it came out of the back of a moose?
    • Yes, his name is Gord.
  • Where can I get a poutine?
    • In Québec and any Macdo in the Northern Hemisphere. Except America.
  • What is the fastest way to get a heart attack in the province of Québec?
  1. Find a building with a sign outside labelled “LaFleur” or “Chez Ashton”
  2. Repeat the phrase, “Une poutine, s’il vous plaît” (for Americans, simply approach the counter and shout repeatedly, “GIMMEE A GODDAMN POO-TEEN!”—it’s expected)
  3. Exchange loonies, twonies, or the monopoly money you got at an ATM for a plate of something resembling moose excrement (see above)
  4. Eat
  5. Finish it
  6. Buy more Poutine
  7. Eat
  8. Repeat
  • Where does poutine come from, daddy?
    • Well, son, when a man loves a woman, and they make sweet dirty love inside a styrofoam container of cheese curds....
  • Are you messed up?
    • why, yes. Yes I am.
  • Why would someone do this?
    • Native Québecois use it as a compact, high-calorie fuel source for their long journeys to and from the bar to get Canadian Beer, which they use to keep their blood from freezing. These treks often involve many miles of burrowing through solid ice, and short periods of hibernation along the way are not uncommon.
  • Does Trent Reznor like poutine ?
    • Forget it. That guys likes only ham-flavored ashes.
Jesus loves Poutine from Québec.

The last supper of Jesus[edit | edit source]

Jesus had nothing to do with it

See also[edit | edit source]