I could use a hug.
TreИt RezИor on Иeeding Hugs
... I did actually said that, you kИow.
TreИt RezИor on validity of the above quote
The TreИt RezИor is aИn all Иew, state-of-the-art shaviИg device, Иamed after its iИveИtor and spokespersoИ, TreИt RezИor. Success of this product has been overwhelmiИng, selliИng millioИs upoИ millioИs of uИits. This success was commoИly attributed to TreИt's charismatic salesmaИship and cheerful musical jiИgles.
For a loИg time iИ the 80's, TreИt was aloИe aИd frieИdless, strapped for cash aИd just barely affordiИg to survive iИ a secluded aИd crime-swept side of towИ betweeИ dead-eИd shitwork jobs peddliИg burgers or god kИows what else. That was, of course, uИtil oИe day wheИ he happeИed to be repairiИg a table aИd shaviИg at the same time. He Иoticed that he could make a much cleaИer shave with the Иails he was usiИg thaИ with the dirty razor he fouИd while walkiИg oИ the way to work oИe day. AИd so, for a moИth he worked ball-breakiИgly hard to earИ eИough moИey for aИ electric shaver. Sure, by the eИd he was starved for food aИd kicked out of his Иasty, slipshod apartmeИt for Иot payiИg the reИt, but it was worth it iИ the eИd, eh? With the moИey he had earИed he bought aИ electric shaver aИd attached Иails to the eИds. Voila! He had iИveИted the world's most effective yet deadliest shave. The Иext step... Profit!
RezИoratioИ (an iИ-depth look at the techИology of TreИt RezИor Razor blades)
The TreИt RezИor utilizes state-of-the-art shaviИng techИology, called RezИoratioИ. A combiИatioИ of "RezИor" and "RestoratioИ", it allows for a smoother, more comfortable shave. The techИology is far too advaИced for your feeble miИd to compreheИd, but we will say that it iИvolves ИiИe IИch Иails sticking out of the blade, spiИИing at miИd-meltiИng speeds as the deadly sharp drills savagely bore into and lacerate your face. Hey, Иo more beard! You might waИt to use some toilet paper to cover up those cuts, though. Or, like, just duИk your head in a tub of disiИfectaИt. Ew, look at all that blood. You're goИИa have to clean that mess up later.
AИyway, back to TreИt's life.
Pretty Hate MachiИe
TreИt had just iИveИted a faИtastic Иew device; but how to profit off of such a daИgerous product? TreИt pitched his product to several big corporatioИs, but demoИstratioИs of the product always eИded up uИexpectedly disastrous. TreИt set up his owИ compaИy, "ИothiИg Razors", which he used to fuИd the maИufacturiИg and distributioИ of his razors, which he Иamed after himself at this time.
The compaИy did fairly well, but it wasИ't uИtil aИ iИgeИious marketiИg campaignИ by TreИt that the company really took off. TreИt began recordiИg jiИgles usiИg the ragiИg, violeИt buzz made by his electric razors. He called this music "IИdustrial Music", because it was oИly for profit for his iИdustrial compaИy. The first jiИgle was eИtitled "Pretty Hate MachiИe", named after his destructive razors for their pretty, slim and sexy desigИ but deadly, violeИt capacity to hate (i.e. tear peoples' faces to bloody shreds). TreИt later desigИed a cartooИish character named "MarilyИ MaИsoИ" to accompaИy the jingle in televisioИ commercials. After this, sales were up and it would seem that TreИt was oИ his way to wealth.
BrokeИ aИd the The DowИward Spiral
Sadly, thiИgs lasted but for a short while. For what it was worth, TreИt did sell 3 millioИ copies of an album comprised of his first few jingles (Pretty Hate MachiИe among them, but we already told you that). The actual razors sold less well, as they were forcibly takeИ off the market by the federal goverИmeИt after Иot but a day oИ the market. IИ respoИse to the recall, TreИt released a more "saИe" and "humaИ-frieИdly" desigИ, oИe which featured Иo deadly spikes and did Иot thirst for fresh humaИ flesh. UИfortuИately, due to aИ iИhereИt defect iИ the product it would explode upoИ beiИg plugged iИto an electrical socket; the razors were all BrokeИ. TreИt's employees later admitted that:
|“||The "BrokeИ" razors were secretly created from March to August 1992 in a variety of locatioИs without the permissioИ of TreИt to eИsure they could fester without Divine Intervention from TreИt (i.e. attach large spikes or whatever else he waИted to iИto the blades).||”|
To make matters worse, it was theИ that TreИt's horrible sexual perversioИ was revealed; if oИe played one of his jiИgles, eИtitled "Closer", backwards, uИderwater, while pluggiИg your ears with tampoИs aИd staИding on oИe toe, you could hear TreИt saying, "I waИt to fuck aИ aИimal". This horreИdous secret was uИcovered by the FuИdameИtalist UИderwater-backmaskiИg CoalitioИ of KeИtucky, or "F.U.C.K.", oИe of several huИdred FuИdameИtalist ChristiaИ orgaИizatioИs devoted solely to uИcoveriИg secret, sataИic messages iИ music, eveИ if they have to do ridiculously retarded thiИgs to fiИd them. TreИt coИfessed that the rumors were iИdeed true, aИd that he specifically eИgiИeered the song so that it would reveal his dark, twisted secret when played backwards, uИderwater, while pluggiИg your ears with tampoИs aИd staИding on oИe toe. This was the begiИИiИg of TreИt's DowИward Spiral.
TreИt The Fragile
Close frieИds of TreИt Иoticed his ego became more susceptible to emotional trauma after his beatiИg by the (liberal) media. Most Иotably was TreИt's uИusual aИd daИgerous habit of campiИg out by major highways aИd throwiИg his spiked electric razors, motors ruИИiИg full-speed, iИto the open wiИdows of the cars passiИg by. Law eИforcemeИt officials were less thaИ eИthusiastic about TreИt's Иew hobby, aИd he was promptly jailed.
TreИt, iИ his iИsaИity, ripped out his owИ teeth aИd attached them to aИ electric razor, much like the ИiИe IИch Иails razor, and used the razor to cut himself to death. We're Иot exactly sure why he used his teeth; clearly this was a deeply symbolic act entreИched in dark overtoИes, depictiИg the tragic fall of a maИ. That or we was so Bat Fuck IИsaИe that he just felt like rippiИg out his owИ teeth.
After TreИt's death, JohИИy Cash paid tribute to TreИt's jiИgle-writing legacy by coveriИg one of TreИt's soИgs, "Hurt". JohИИy Cash died shortly after. Upon heariИg that JohИИy had played her graИsoИ's soИg without permissioИ, GraИdmother RezИor took him to court on behalf of her soИ. JohИИy's childreИ theИ weИt to court oИ behalf of their father. IИ aИ iroИic twist, it became the world's first legal proceediИg to be fought betweeИ two dead people. This very battle rages to this day.
- AИd a kИack for looking like Jesus.
- UИfeasible, you say? Shut up.
- Actually, the demoИstratioИs always weИt exactly as was expected, eИdiИg in gruesome death. However, they did pray for better outcomes.
- However, in retrospect many believe these were actually heavily distorted electric guitars.
- Actually, oИly his GraИdmother.
- More like "that, or the author of this article couldn't think of a better reference to the ИiИe iИch Иails album, With Teeth".