“Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true”
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Capitalism derives its roots from the Latin word "capital" meaning "head" and "ism" meaning "gooey, cheese like substance." It was created by a group of men calling themselves the "justification league." Capitalism has been misunderstood by the left and right of the political spectrum: Capitalism's ultimate purpose is to allow those born into luxury to justify to themselves that they deserve it, and to give those not born into luxury a life purpose to dismiss those creating wealth as 'oppressors'. It Can Also Mean The Study and Worship Of Capital Letters.
Capitalism is a system of economics that entails the rights of the elite to control the means of production and enslave the workers, with limited state control and judicially preserved property "rights." This system rewards those who create what the market is demanding, even if the market is demanding more videos of Tara Reid's deformed nipple slip or microwavable cheese products. You have to be a douchebag and a sellout willing to step on the meek to get anywhere.
One of the remarkable aspects of Capitalism is how a great diversity of businesses are started and the massive number of them that fail miserably, yet how many morons keep believing that they will be millionaires at any moment through infomercials or cleverly placed classified advertisements.
Capitalism is generally opposed by people who feel a moral opposition to having to work. Most of these traitors are hippie college students who fellate Noam Chomsky and think Che Guevara is the one cool guy from Rage Against the Machine. When mommy and daddy don't buy you a car, it is oppression upon the proletariat!
The pivotal text for understanding Capitalism is Adam Smith's "The Wealth of Nations", which outlined how capitalism would inevitably result in the rise of empires, the growth in free trade, and the mysterious career of Sarah Palin. In the book, Smith also outlines the hidden costs of tariffs and taxes that limit national growth and how this would inevitably lead to reality television.
But first..[edit | edit source]
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Before Capitalism[edit | edit source]
Prior to the advent of Capitalism, several other economic systems had been employed by the many anthropologically stimulating civilizations of the ancient world. Such systems are easily distinguishable from capitalism despite the fact that they were also primarily concerned with the problem of capital.
The primary difference between Capitalism and other economic systems is that other systems revolve around the institution of slavery--the practice of forcing individuals to work under threat of physical harm, or even death. In a capitalist society, however, individuals work voluntarily in order to avoid termination. Or death by starvation.
Should an individual choose to work, he or she is sometimes rewarded with the means to feed, clothe, and/or shelter him or herself. Usually however, not. In exceptional circumstances, individuals may also be assigned a physician. In most circumstances however, they become the butt of jokes of middle-class teenagers, who have just finished reading Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead" and think its a documentary.
Practices of Capitalism[edit | edit source]
A day in the life of the average capitalist begins with being woken up by their butlers. Followed by eating a breakfast prepared by their personal chef. After this, the capitalist is driven to work by his valet, where he will sit at a desk while his secretary answers the phone calls of the foreman who oversees the hundreds of workers building the tower which will bear his name. The capitalist himself can't do these things because he's too busy bitching about how lazy people on welfare are.
Variations on Capitalism[edit | edit source]
Standard Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income while the cows can't afford health care.
African Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them because they used to belong to white colonists. No one feeds them and they starve to death. Then you starve to death.
Alcoholic Capitalism: You have 23 flying pink cows that breathe rainbow fire. You ride them to the Chocolate Factory and explode.
Air America Capitalism: You have two bankrupt cows no one listens to.
Airhead Capitalism: You, like have two cows, and they totally do stuff. It's complicated.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull (for rodeo), and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead, you put the blame on socialism and you invade another country to search for more cows.
America Post Reagan Capitalism: You have two cows. You have sex with them hoping to find a herd of half-human / half-cow animals that will be able to milk themselves. This unfortunate misunderstanding about where babies come from was brought about by a lack of sex education and the teaching of intelligent design in your high school. Unaware that only closely evolutionary related animals can breed, your plan fails. And the bank forecloses on you. You spend the rest of your life blaming it all on the government, taxes and 'socialized-medicine'. You attend town hall meetings with other cow owners to shout loudly about how the government ruined your 'perfectly viable business', while the rest of the planet quietly laughs and learns Chinese.
Apple Inc. Capitalism: You have two iCows whose iMilk you sell at an unnecessarily high iPrice, yet people still buy it in record iNumbers just because they believe it's iCool. Then, you buy a company that makes multi touch interfaces, and install them on the offspring of your current iCows, creating a new, better iMilk that is better than any other "normal" milk. Unfortunately, your market share doesn't grow because there are fans of "regular" milk that remember the short-fallings of your old iMilk and think that you haven't improved it.
Argentine Capitalism: You have two cows. You throw a barbecue.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one to your left is kinda cute...
Arizona Capitalism: You have two cows you have just sold in California so that you could buy ten cows in Arizona for a reasonable price and in two years you plan to sell the cows at a huge inflated price so you can go back to California and buy three cows. But the cow market bubble bursts and you are left with ten worthless cows in the middle of the Desert.
Assassin's Creed Capitalism: You have two cows. You cut off one of their feet and attach a hidden blade to them. Then you murder cows that other cows don't like, while using an American accent.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Ace, mate!
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell your stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
BFI Capitalism: You have two cows and HOLY FUCKING SHIT AN ELEPHANT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVEZ!!
Brazilian Capitalism: you have two cows. One of them is stolen, so the government creates the CRPC, the Commission to Regularize the Possession of Cows. After that they inspect your home, and based on the cheese you eat, the milk you drink and the shoes you wear they conclude you have 200 cows, so they take the other one as tax.
Brazilian Capitalism 2: You have two cows. One is a billionaire cow living in a cow mansion, but the other one is a destitute cow living in cow slums. They don't speak English or Spanish, but leave to play soccer in Europe.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. You try to assuage them with polite reasoning, and they are still mad. Then you sell your farm and buy a news publishing company. You end up retiring rich after all.
British Capitalism 2: You have two cows. You then sail around the world buying Primitives cows for virtually nothing and moving your own cows to barren wastelands. Then you hire soldiers to stop the original owners from taking back the cows and become the richest county on earth, before you blow it all on fighting the Germans.
Buddhist Capitalism: You have two cows. One of them has been a good cow, and later is reborn as a human being. The other cow has always been lazy and immoral. She is then reborn as an insect. You realized the futility of it all and meditated under a tree. You attain enlightenment and retire in Nirvana.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Bureaucratic Capitalism 2: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You've heard rumors of big bad Muslim wolf wanting to eat the cows, but you ignore it. Then the wolf drove two tractors at the cows. Your career went downhill ever since.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. One is named Hillary, and the other has a suspicious stain on its coat.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They can't do anything there. Then they swim to Florida.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Cow Capitalism: Doesn't exist.
Catholic Capitalism: You have two cows. You donate 10% of the milk to the Church. You feel extremely guilty over having taken the cow's milk, you chastise yourself and then after Confession, you nip down the pub with the priest for a pint, everything feels better until the next morning and you sober up and feel guilty again, the cycle repeats itself.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows; one of them is a French cow. Let's play hockey with them, eh?
Canadian Capitalism 2: You have two cows; You milk both and sell that milk in bags.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. The state promises you eight more, so they tax you two cows and send you an IOU. Then the farm burns down in a wild fire and sinks into the ocean after an earthquake.
Capitalism After Dentist: Ok, now, I have two cows. Or four cows...
Chronic Depressive Capitalism: You have two cows and sigh... what's the point?
Dubai Capitalism: You have three hundred billion cows that you got from oil. You order a building to be erected, taller than any other in the world. When another country builds one as tall, you order two more that are twice as tall as that. When the laws of physics doesn't work out, you order Allah to change them because you have enough oil money to do so, and you're a Muslim, so its Allah.
Dutch Capitalism: You have two cows, which you train to invest in the two cow market, and over the course of two years corner the entire thing into one giant evil Dutch Corporation.
Amsterdam Capitalism: You have two cows. What a fucking night.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Everyone waits in line for 3 hours to see them, and leaves totally unsatisfied.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
ebay Capitalism: You have two cows. The current bids are $16,000 for the Guernsey and $21,500 for the Holstein.
Egypt Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy 10 donkeys. You then sell them to the people as cows. Then while you are busy fighting for freedom and democracy, the second cow astray to find its way to the ?!
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them and fines you for letting them fart.
Ethiopia Capitalism: You have two cows. You decide to eat them instead of breed them. You starve to death a month later.
Eusocialist Capitalism: You have two cows. What the hell are you doing? Hurry up and give those to the queen before I rip your fucking legs off, slacker.
Fascist Capitalism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes them both.
Family Values Capitalism: You have two cows. You forbid them to marry as they are the same sex.
FCC Capitalism: You make tons of money by fining cow owners $500,000 for each instance of accidentally showing their cows' udders.
Feminist Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them both to hate Bulls.
Filipino Capitalism: You have two cows. The first cow becomes an "actor", gets rich and enters politics to get richer. The second cow gets jealous, becomes a muckraking journalist and reports on the first cow and its cronies. The second cow is found buried in an oil drum filled with cement.
Fox News Capitalism: You have two cows. They give sour milk but you do nothing but rant about how the "liberal media" won't report the truth about your wonderful "cottage cheese".
Florida Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell them and buy oranges. You grow oranges and make enough money to retire in Miami and look at the beach from your new apartment.
Fred Thompson Capitalism: You continually have press conferences announcing that soon you will establish an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of buying two cows and using one as a trophy wife.
French Capitalism: You have two sexy but bitchy cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You then surrender your cows to the Germans.
Games workshop has two cows and makes plastic models of them and turn it into a table top game and charges stupidly high prices for them ion the end they make a huge profit
Gay Capitalism: You have two bulls. They love to mount each other.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 1,000 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. You invade Poland because your cows need "Lebensraum". You also exterminate the non-blond cows in gas chambers and concentration farms. Unfortunately, Russian cows and American cows took your "Lebensraum," and your farm is now split in half. Later, the western cows get fat, and the eastern cows try to jump over a wall. The wall breaks down, and your cows now are the best cows in Europe.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. Their digesting of grass and other plant material produces methane, a greenhouse gas. You kill them for the carbon offset. Fuck it, I invented the internet!
Greek Capitalism: You have two cows. You make souvla out of them and party to sertaki all Sunday morning.
Guatemalan Capitalism: You have two cows. You use the milk money to get your political party on the government and then change the law so no one else can import/export/process/sell milk without paying 69% taxes.
Hell Capitalism: You have two cows. Now you are in hell.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command. Then they die from drug overdose.
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Italian Capitalism: You have two sexy cows, but you don't know where they are. You take-ah a break-ah forah lunch-eh.
Irish Capitalism: You have two drunk cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they became violent rugby hooligans.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill and gut them on suspicion they are carrying "weapons of milk destruction", but find none. You let Halliburton grind them up into hamburger and declare "Mission Accomplished".
Iranian Capitalism: You have two cows but vigorously deny the fact, even though you spend all your time bragging about how much cheese you are making.
Jack Thompson Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill them for fun. When PETA confronts you, you blame it on video games and sue Nintendo for killing your cows. You lose, whine about it on TV, and start the whole thing over again. You make sure to change the animal you kill and the video game company you sue every time, for authenticity.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. They crap out solid bricks of gold because you're Jewish. You're thankful that you don't have two pigs. You set them on fire and they burn for eight days.
Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people to buy your milk or to face eternal damnation.
Korean Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them every day and play fetch with them. However, you keep your dogs in a field where you feed them until they're fat. Then you slaughter the dogs and turn them into kimchi.
Lesbian Capitalism: You have two cows. They start sucking each other's udders, and you realize how ugly it is in real life.
Lima Syndrome Capitalism: You have two cows. You feel bad for them, so you release them and commit suicide.
Liverpool Capitalism: You have two cows. You leave them outside and within minutes they have been nicked
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
Mexican Capitalism: You had two cows but they left to go to America to pick lettuce and landscape rich people's yards, for a lot more money than a brain surgeon can make in Mexico.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows, developed by other farmers. You patent the cows and sue the heck out of everyone else. Then you make everyone buy your bug-ridden cow milk, because its the only milk.
Monarch Capitalism: You have two cows. The royal family sends random people to stab you and take them.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government drafts you. It drafts your cows as well when a war actually starts. Your cows are killed. You have no money when you get back, if you get back.
New Zealand Capitalism: You have two sheep. If the topography allows, you support and irrigation scheme, youu build a milking shed. You but cows and convert to dairy farming so you can actually make money.
Nihilist Capitalism: You have two cows. You do not have two cows.
Obama Capitalism: You have two cows. Reagan's economic policy inspired your father to milk them without caring about their reproduction, because he knew the cows would outlive him. Your father died and the cows were yours, it worked well-enough for a while, then the cows died too.
OCD Capitalism: You have two cows. They're filthy. You clean them. They aren't standing parallel to each other. You make them. Those chickens in the background are unevenly spaced. You fix them. Sniff, sniff... the smell of daffodils is more in the left nostril then the right nostril. You change the direction you're standing. Oh, no, now the sun is more in your right eye than your left eye. You can't take it anymore and just go to bed in your clean, neat, symmetrical bedroom.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Oklahoma to spend the night with them.
Palestinian Capitalism: You start with two cows and raise them in a field of your own for thousands of years. Then some nice people come along with guns and a book that says that they own your land. They take your cows and force you off of your land.
Primitive Capitalism: You have two cows. Your neighbors have two cows. You enslave your neighbors and take their cows. Now you have four cows. You send your neighbors to invade the next town, giving you thirty two cows. Soon, you own all the cows and all the people in England, and declare yourself king. After several hundred years, your heir frees the serfs, hires them to milk the cows, and charges them rent.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Polish Capitalism: You have no cows because the Russians stole one, and the Germans killed the other for more Lebensraum. You head off to other parts of Europe working as a low-paid builder.
Police Capitalism: You have two cows. You tase them for fun, along with every living organism within range.
Real Estate Capitalism: You have two cows. Your cows are now worth a ton of money. But you convince people they will be worth more money in the future. You chop them up, sell them to investors, and collect billions from the government. No one can afford to milk anymore.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Your boss's son has twenty cows, and you kept pondering about how that's supposed to be fair.
Ron Paul Capitalism: Abolish Federal Reserve, go back to the gold standard, get the government out of the market, establish the free market and everyone wonders why the fuck they couldn't see that capitalism worked in the first place.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Russian Reversal Capitalism: In Soviet Russia, two cows own YOU!.
Soviet Capitalism: You have two cows. Wait...did I say YOU have two cows? Haha, no. Comrade Stalin has two cows. Now off to the Gulag with you! (In Soviet Russia, cow have you!!!)
Samuel L. Jackson Capitalism: I'm sick and tired of these two mother fucking cows in this mother fucking field.
Saudi Capitalism: You have oil instead of cows. The Americans will take your oil and give you topnotch hi-tech cows that are engineered by Germans and made in China. Then you make a bilateral terrorism deal, so that you remain in power and they get oil.
Swedish Capitalism. You have two cows. You let a farm boy milk them and promises that he will get one in the future. And then buy him a security helmet.
Socialist Capitalism: You have two cows. They are both equally delicious.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two cow-ish giraffes. The cow-giraffe government requires you to take harmonica lessons. One of the cows/giraffes jump over the moon, and the moon winks at you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns. You buy them each a big truck.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Welfare Capitalism: You have two cows, you milk them. The more milk you get the more is taken from you and given to someone who didn't bother milking their cows.
Westboro Baptist Church Capitalism: You have two cows. They're going to hell. You protest the farm you got them from, saying that all the farmers and animals are gay and are going to hell. Then you die and go to hell. It would be ironic, but it's not because everyone expected it.
Xbox Capitalism: You have two cows. You mistake their udders for joysticks and get a face full of milk trying to play video games on them.
Zim Buddhist Capitalism: What is the sound of one cow milking?
Uncyclopedia Capitalism Article Capitalism: You have two cows. As they reproduce, they become less and less funny.
Capitalism: A Continuing Story[edit | edit source]
For a period of time following the aforementioned collapse of Communism, capitalist societies were free from the problems created by other societies doing things differently with lesbians. However, starting in the mid-1990's, some academics from special education classes put forth the idea that some modifications might need to be made to the system.
Most of the proposed changes, such as Universal Health Care, were readily dismissed as pointless attempts at improving upon an already flawless system. However, a few proposals, such as tort reform, managed to gain widespread support among the educated masses. The sudden collapse of two prominent capitalist headquarters of the United States of America in 2001 confirmed that no modifications need be made to Capitalism's current incarnation.
Alternatives to Capitalism[edit | edit source]
The Capitalist system works wonderfully in theory but when you put it into practice it just doesn't seem to work.
It should be duly noted by all of humanity that Capitalism is ultimately an injustice. The same applies to any other ludicrous and, ultimately, oppressive socio-politico-economic structure of state society/civilization; including but not limited to- capitalism, socialism, Main Page - Nazism, fascism, capitalism, democracy/republicanism, feudalism, capitalism, aristocracy/monarchy, etc.
Or anarchists, who lead the path to wisdom. Abandon capitalism and you throw your chains from your shoulders. Onwards to a freedom so great that society can't help but collapse! Also, never trust anyone called an anarcho-capitalist. They are evil free-market goblins in disguise.
Critics[edit | edit source]
Throughout human history there were many important critics of capitalism, the most outspoken of them being Marx. One of his most famous statements on the failures of capitalism is: "capitalismisallwrong,man!itisinhumane,evilandkickkittensfornoreasonatall!". Many critics criticized Marx however, stating that "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU DO IT BETTER? BITCH!". To which Marx answered "iam!youjustdon'tnoticeit'cuzyoucan'tseethewayiamspeakingthewords". Marx's critics were baffled, but some years later a guy claimed he understood what he meant, so that he could become a dictator more easily and conquered Russia.
Marx also claimed that he would have supported capitalism, except he couldn't work out how to "get his bling on".
Benefits of Capitalism[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
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