Dow Jones
 | |
| Type | Rich White People |
|---|---|
| Headquarters | Poland |
| Industry | Terrorism |
| Products | CNBC |
“I'm stealing your mother's money because the Dow Jones went down and I need to pay a down payment on my BMW.”
The Dow Jones & Company was founded in 1882 by three serial therapists: Charles-Kanye Dow, Flattop Jones, and Charles Bergstresser (Which is German for Mountain Giant). Like The New York Times and the Washington Post, the company is publicly traded but privately controlled by, although X Box controllers were avoided when possible, as it is internationally agreed to be ridiculously oversized. Most people blame this on the Irish. The company is led by the Pedlow Family, who live like savages in the Forest. (Refer to Stone golem)
History[edit | edit source]
The history of the Dow Jones is quite intriguing. It begins when the Wall Street Journal caused an unstoppable exponential inflation due to the government failing to introduce monetary policies as a combatant to the 3rd revolution. As a result a plunging sub-prime mortgage market went into a 350-point tailspin, right in the how's-your-father. Of course Hang Seng, close family friend of William Shakespeare and Mr. Jones came round to help via email, but Dow's mother said she had severe menstruation problems in her armpits so there was nothing to be done. Seng reportedly brought round an edible chicken broth the following evening.
The Fall of the Dublin Wall in 1929 (known in the US as the so-called "depression") had enormous impacts for the communist's globalists economy as well as the capitalist's society. The first, and thus most interesting point of note was the lack of consumer dollar value depreciation. This led to falls in Depository Expansion, and economies around the world plummeted with the exception of New Zealand, which fell 15 years later due to the economic time rift created by fiscal drag. The second, and thus less interesting reason was black people.
The Company is currently the target of a bid by the Queen as she likes to play on the internet.
The Rise of Shakespeare[edit | edit source]
William Shakespeare was hired by Charles-Kanye in a bid to free the world from the depression in 1945. His first assignment was to seduce Hitler and find the diameter of his anus but as a result this indirectly led to Hitlers suicide which effectively ended the global economic recession as he found the key to the city.
Shakespeare was rewarded the position CEO due to his success, a role which he strives to perform in as he can be seen masturbating at the local Starbucks every day to the stock market page. Many have linked the awfulness of his plays to his commitment to Dow Jones.
Broadcasting[edit | edit source]
Due to the speculated interest in economics, a Wall Street channel was proposed in May 1100 Anno Domani by the Fox Network, in collaboration with the Queen, who owns the Dow Jones at present. The channel would be divided into four programmes: The section where an economist makes up words so that economics sounds complicated, the bit where a foreign correspondent talks economics with a strong accent and is thus even harder to understand, the part where there's some ridiculous graph with 17,576 three-letter abbreviations that cannot be deciphered by normal humans. The fourth section is reserved for random scenes of gratuitous bestiality, at the joint request of Rupert Murdoch and H.M. Lizard Breath II Elizabeth II.
The Channel is schedules to commence in late Summer/early Winter, though analysts are yet to determine a specific date.
Current state[edit | edit source]
The Dow's level is again, UNDER EIGHT THOUSAND!!!11
Indexes[edit | edit source]
The company is also responsible for several widely and well known used stock market indices, among them:
- Sub Prime Mortgage Market
- Dow Jones Composite Average
- Dow Jones Global Titans
- Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA, "Dow 30," or often simply "the Dow")
Dow Jones Raping Children Program- Dow Jones Utility Average
- Dow Jones U.S. Large Cap Growth
- Dow Jones U.S. X-Large Cap Growth
- Dow Jones U.S. XX-Large Cap Growth
- Dow Jones U.S. XXX-Large Cap Growth
- Dow Jones Wilshire 5000 Total Market Index
- Dow Jones Volatility Index
- Dow Jones Hedge Fund Indexes