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From today's featured article
Edward Christopher "Ed" [insert singular 3rd person subjective pronoun]eran (born 17 February 1991 - died NEVER) is a Canadian-British singer-songwriter, actor, owner of a bar in London, and Rupert Grint lookalike. He is also known as "Teddy" on Instagram. Additionally, he is considered to be the "one true god" of his home country, and even the entire world. Asides from that, he's known to the public as the "Ginger Jesus". Ed is arguably a fad of the year 2017 and also a British nationalist. Even though his career was meant to fade away at the end of the 2010s, he manages to still make music to this day, much to everyone's annoyances. He is known to have a lot of chart hits, especially in the UK, including "The B Team", "Untitled (Take Me Into Your Loving Arms)", "Nothing Happens After Two" and most infamously, "I'm Back & I'm Desperate". However, they are most likely plagiarized, but he still gets away with it. His private life isn't very well known, thanks to having no surveillance cameras in his home and the fact that the address to it is changed every day. Despite having a male given name, Ed somehow manages to have female pronouns as part of his surname, so, logically, he would've instantly became a "she" right away. Oh fuck, how do we go by them again? (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?
- ... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
- ... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
- ... that I am inside your walls?
- ... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
- ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
- ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
In the news
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day
Recent deaths: Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again
On this day
February 17: Sheeranist New Year (United Kingdom)
- 1991 - Famed British musician Ed Sheeran is born. Brits rejoice that their Messiah is finally with them.
- 1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
- 2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
- 2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
- 2026 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.
Picture of the day
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Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE) Image credit: Tshell |
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