Uncyclopedia Gold
From today's featured article
I want to play a game.
Several seconds ago you entered this article, in which you saw an opportunity to get a share of torture porn under the guise of reading a humour website; now you will get a chance to see yourself.
Each of the paragraphs before you contain a sequence of agonizingly bad jokes. Reading through each one will feel like a lifetime, but this is nothing compared to the lifetime that you have spent sitting on your ass browsing stupid websites like this one. All the time you were doing that, you could have gone outside and contributed something useful and meaningful to the world, yet you did not. But never fear, because reading through the following paragraphs will bring you ever closer to freedom, freedom from this website, freedom from rubbish jokes, freedom from the lies you have told yourself all these years. However, if you fail to read to the bottom in time, a patch of CSS script embedded in this page will activate and automatically redirect you to a 16 hour video of the Wizards Of Waverly Place from the Disney channel, and you will be subjected to the television viewing so tedious that your body will retch up your entire digestive system onto the computer in front of you.
Think of it like a reverse birthday cake.
Make it through this page, find it in yourself to do the right thing, and you will discover if you are seen by other people as you see yourself.
Laugh or cry, <insert name here>. Make your choice. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
- ... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
- ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
- ... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
In the news
- Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
- World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four
Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season • Jesus
Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP
On this day
April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day
- 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
- 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
- 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
- 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
- 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
- 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.
Picture of the day
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The Pontius Pilot is infamous for some functionality issues. One typical complaint is that the Microsoft Crucifixion program often crucified incorrect and important data, such as the Messiah. Thankfully for its users, the file would miraculously reappear two days later after descending to the Recycle Bin, not three as some mathematically illiterate biblical scholars would tell you. Image credit: Savethemooses |
Other areas of Uncyclopedia
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- Formatting – for help on editing
- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
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- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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