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From today's featured article

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English is commonly thought to be a natural language, but is in fact a squishy, plastic middle ground between French and German that was constructed by God, with the help of illiterate sheep, to annoy the English. This strategy did not have the expected result; instead of annoying them as planned, it delighted them, as they now had a perfect device for weakening indigenous populations that they would not otherwise have been able to colonise. It was also used with homework to torture English and Welsh children alike into not being too soft.

English took in bits and pieces from all over the world as a result of repeated invasions of England before they received the language. These other preexisting languages were then integrated into their new one. Following the rapid expansion of the British Empire, the language suffered many invasions from various languages in conquered territories, to the extent that English began to completely reinvent itself every 1-2 years, which it still does to this day. Scientists are currently working on a solution, but it is doubted that any will be found before the language reinvents itself, and renders all previous research incomprehensible. It is also doubted that any proposed solution will be adopted, even if it did come to exist. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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In the news

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Great start to the year!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Baltimore Ravens fans shitting themselves after both their teams choked big-time • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate

Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions', Indianapolis Colts', Buccaneers' and Ravens' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • Buffalo Sabres' unexpected 10-game win streak

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • The Pittsburgh Steelers' fucking up once again • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • The Sabres actually being good? • Ravens' kicker • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs"

On this day

Happy hour is at 8, not 7

January 9: Open Mic Night Day

  • 1838 - So there's this photo of a town I took and I don't have the colors for it. So I guess you'll have to imagine yourself in a colored dimension...
  • 1927 - Hey, guys. Gonna do some standup today. How's it going Denver, yeah, so my girlfriend, it's our, by the way it's our three year anniversary...
  • 1930 - The SUN. Clap. The LIGHT tears my HEART into STRANDS. Clap. My FACE, ENGULFED in SHIT. Clap. I am ALONE. Alone. Alone...
  • 1936 - Uh, you ever been, like, you ever been like on the bus, and like, uh, the uh.... So, this old dude, and he, and this was the funny part, he had den— dentures and I had a whole bucket of, oh God, excuse me....
  • 1942 - So the U-R-L is, A-R-Y-A-N dash promise, except there's, uh, two s's, dot R-U slash resources slash the truth about almond milk dot H-T-M, with no spaces, again, that's A-R—
  • 1950 - Women, can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em, amirite? You fuckers, you fucking millennial shitheads my shit is gold, I've been doing comedy since before you were a stain in your—
  • 1967 - 🎝Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.🎝 By now— who threw that!? Who threw that!?

Picture of the day

Microsoft Word Processor
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 41,162 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.


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