Uncyclopedia Gold
From today's featured article
I just can't stand it. When I see her I can only grit my teeth and clench my fists as hard as I can from jumping out and screaming "I love you!" at the top of my lungs. I literally have to bite down on my tongue, sometimes until it bleeds or else I'll lose control and caress her with kisses until the end of the world. She's just so beautiful. Not in that supermodel Barbie doll way. She's legitimately beautiful. The supermodels put on make up and dress up and get air brushed so they can look like her. She doesn't need that shit, she's wonderful on her own.
"Mr. Wales, you have a visitor." It's my secretary. I tell her to let her in, I already know who it is. I asked her to come to my office so we could talk. Not about work or anything, just... talk. I know it's against office policy but I just want to see her again. That gorgeous, naïve smile, those huge, innocent eyes that seemed to take in the world so carefully. Her body was small, delicate, as if the slightest breeze would shatter her like a glass rose. I could never stop thinking about her. Never. She was always on my mind. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?
- ... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
- ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
- ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
- ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
- ... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
- ... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
- ... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
In the news
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day
Recent deaths: Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured)
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek)
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again
On this day
February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only
- 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway.
- 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment.
- 1852 - The first hospital in England opens. During its opening ceremony, sick patients were given typical Valentine's gifts, like typhoid.
- 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me.
- 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock.
- 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs.
- 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life.
Picture of the day
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Mickeys - the drug of choice for today's trendy ravers. Image credit: Rcmurphy |
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