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From today's featured article
*Most hardcore theme song ever resonates in a jammed-packed arena full of noisy hillbilly drunkards, and two overly excited commentators begin their thing*
Jim Ross: Welcome to Wrestlemania 87 ladies and gentlemen!! What an amazing main event we have for you tonight, a No-Holds-Barred, No Ice Cream, No Machine gun match between the Croc and Phone Cord Steve Austin for the Undisputed WWE title. I'm all wet King, how about you?
Jerry "The King" Lawler: Same here JR. This promises to be the hardcorest match we have witnessed since about a week or so ago. I hear the special referee will be none other than Vince MoonMan, the owner of this company. Strap on your diapers, for the action is about to start.
*Music hits, 87 year old, 278 pounds of muscle Vince MoonMan walks down the aisle while looking at the crowd smugly, dressed in a referee's shirt and Calvin Klein boxers*
J.R.: And here comes Mr. MoonMan in all his glory, hellbent on removing the title from Phone Cord. I like his glutes' definition. We're awaiting the Cr...
*Overwhelming music interrupts J.R., with the lyrics: "The Croc says... Know your hole... And stuff your mouth." The Croc enters the ring under a thunder of boos*
King: Well this crowd is definitely not liking the Croc's latest molestation of a 6 year old boy we showed on Slack Down last week eh? Listen to them. I hope Phone Cord is in shape and not too twisted. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)
- ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
- ... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
- ... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
- ... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
- ... that this is why we can't have nice things?
- ... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
- ... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
In the news
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck (Pictured)
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
- United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports
- A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race
- US government shitdown ends after over 1000 flights inundated with shit
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE raids • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • the New England Patriots suddenly being good again
Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed
On this day
November 21: International Couch Potato Day
- 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
- 1877 - Thomas Edison announces his invention of the Pornograph, which is like a regular phonograph, except Edison describes to you various sex acts in shocking detail.
- 1922 - First female senator from Georgia introduces bill which says husbands should at least consider putting the dishes in the sink, is immediately impeached.
- 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time, at least, the last time with a woman.
- 1974 - U.N. peacekeepers attempt to grow potatoes in Gaza, but the spuds are promptly blown up by the IDF due to growing underground.
- 1985 - Double agent Jonathan Pollard caught and arrested for leaking to Israel the secrets of getting lox to not be so slimy.
- 2013 - Protests erupt in Ukraine after Yanukovych reveals that Ukrainian language is just Russian but spelled funny.
- 2017 - The U.K. Supreme Court rules that jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather.
Picture of the day
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Experts advise against chlorinating the jean pool, as it causes the dye to bleed, and acid-washed jeans haven't been cool since '86. Image credit: RadicalX |
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