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From today's featured article
The Westboro Baptist Church is the lone bastion of reason and morality in a world gone mad. Logically, it is located in Topeka, Kansas, home to intelligent design and the rock supergroup of the same name. The Church, which is rumored to have in excess of twelve members and growing by no less than none every year, is headed by misunderstood idiot-savant and knight-errant of goodness Fred Phelps, attorney-at-law.
Under Phelps' utterly creative, sometimes incendiary, and always visionary leadership, the Westboro Baptist Church has successfully drawn the ire of pretty much everyone in the world. It has achieved this well-thought-out and beneficial aim by rejoicing for natural disasters, the spread of disease, and other afflictions on humankind that are generally regarded by the rest of the world as a time for compassion and mourning. Ironically, due to its obsession with celebrating misery, the Church has itself in recent years invited what it considers unwelcome attention to its activities, including vicious beatings of its members, intermittent showerings of its compound with pig feces, and yet more vicious beatings of its members. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)
- ... that you just lost the Game?
- ... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
- ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
- ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
- ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
In the news
- World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports
Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller
Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity
On this day
March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day
- 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
- 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
- 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
- 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
- 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
- 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
- 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.
Picture of the day
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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault |
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