Uncyclopedia Gold
From today's featured article
HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW PRODUCT! ARE YOUR COMMERCIALS LACKING STYLE? ARE YOUR SCRIPTS NOT POLISHED? WELL I HAVE THE PERFECT PRODUCT FOR YOU! MYSELF! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AND YOU CAN HIRE ME TO DO YOUR COMMERCIAL FOR JUST 12 EASY PAYMENTS OF $0! OFFER ONLY AVAILABLE IN HEAVEN!
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME ON YOUR TELEVISION SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS AT 2AM, THEN YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN SOME KIND OF GODDAMN CAVE!! BILLY MAYS, WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY LOUD AND HAIRY SELF, IS A FUCKING MARKETING GENIUS!! ONLY YESTERDAY I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER IDEA AFTER LISTENING TO MYSELF YELLING! WHAT IF... MY OBNOXIOUS SCREAMING WAS PUT INTO A JAR AND SHOVED UP EVERY ACTOR'S ASS ON THE TV SHOW HOME IMPROVEMENT?! IT'D BE THE SAME AMOUNT OF TALKING THEY DO ON THE SHOW AND THEREFORE TWICE THE ENTERTAINMENT!! AM I THE BOMB OR WHAT?!?! EVERY TIME I TALK, I SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!! (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?
- ... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
- ... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
- ... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
- ... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
- ... that Uranus is a gas giant?
- ... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
- ... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
In the news
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland (Pictured)
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
- Starmer announces plans to make tweeting illegal in the UK
- Trump given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war he started 3 hours ago
- Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Bills Mafia and Josh Allen drinking themselves to death • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016
Recent deaths: Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs" • Broncos' Super Bowl hopes without Bo Nix • Aaron Rodgers' career • Bills' Super Bowl window
On this day
January 22: National Cover-Up Day
- 0 - The Messiah was definitely born to a virgin and not the result of a time-travel religion scheme.
- 1605 - Guy Fawkes was definitely not a secret Protestant double-agent trained to make Catholics look bad.
- 1914 - The squirrels had absolutely nothing to do with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
- 1952 - Adolf Hitler is obviously not swimming in the frozen Arctic sea as a merman after a radiation experiment gone wrong.
- 1977 - AIDS was not at all created by the FBI and pinned on the CIA after they won the inter-agency tennis match last summer.
- 2001 - The Twin Towers were definitely not brought down by the Swedish as revenge for all the shitty Ikea jokes.
- 2016 - The perfidious Russians never spent millions on Vermin Supreme's presidential campaign.
Picture of the day
 |
Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism. Image credit: Thetoastman |
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