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From today's featured article

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The Bohemian Grove is a famous, secret closet-gay snob’s resort that means a lot of things to a very few people. For some envious wanna-be aficionados, such as reality theorist Alex Jones, it is the "Wise Old Owl’s Club,” but for the very, very few insiders it is an upscale gentlemen witch’s den situated in the steamy jungles of Northern California. The Bohemian Grove club house, which is almost invisible, surrounded as it is by glowing neon “Beware of the Owl” signs and heavily armed FEMA guards, is only visited by elitist world leaders, counterfeiters, peeping toms, and soggy-biscuit loving demon worshipers, who all congregate there to plan our future and generally engage in occult rituals such as dressing like hobbits and roasting marshmallows over burning human effigies.

With secretive members who rank highest in the world's food chain, the Bohemian Grove has become a subject intentionally encouraging numerous speculations and stealth trespassing by the less intelligent commoners of the human race. For extreme reality theorists, especially those who suffer from acute inferiority complexes, such as Alex Jones, the Grove is the roof, nay, the temple spire, of all evil and madness that is barfing upon humanity. It is the very Portal to an Over world which is inhabited by owlish forces hell-bent on establishing a New World Order.

Bohemian Grove members only exist to help Moloch control unwanted population growth and establish a fascist autotrophia in which 99% of unlucky mankind (the vast minority) will be financially enslaved by the other 1% of lucky mankind (the tiny majority) through a globalist led “One World Government.” The "Grove" clearly represents the simple fact that 1% of the human race is much smarter than the remaining 99%. In this regard neither Uncyclopedia nor envious reality theorist Alex Jones are trying to insinuate anything, but, heads up! It's coming. Very soon. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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  • ...the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
  • ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
  • ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
  • ... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
  • ...that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
  • ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
  • ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?

In the news

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"All aboard! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids • Connie Francis • Alan Bergman • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne (pictured)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

On this day

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July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week Begins (Also Utah)

  • 1132 – Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
  • 1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered‑down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
  • 1947 – Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guarantee that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
  • 1983 – Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered gnu, a buffalo‑like animal, from extinction using mainly open‑source code.
  • 2000 – While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a helpful guide to living life that helps him on his way to the Oval Office.
  • 2008 – The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box office smash hit, and reaching the all‑time pinnacle for film.
  • 2009 – I like the fact that you're reading the anniversaries right now. I really, really do.

Picture of the day

Hand Grenade
 The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

Image credit: Mosquitopsu
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