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From today's featured article
Jimmy Blackman is widely regarded as the greatest man, tied with his brother Jimmy Mozzarella. Enlisted in the Marine Corps at the age of three, he retired, obtained every medal thrice, and became a professional bank robber in the Mozzarella crime family.
Jimmy Blackman was born on December 6, 1969. Born out of a can of beans, he was the only member of the Jimmy family to come out of the can of beans fully grown. At the age of three, Jimmy decided to enlist in the U.S Marine Corps. Blackman was quickly rising through the ranks until he became the General of the Military at the age of six. Deployed in Vietnam, he, just like his brother, fought in the Vietnam War. Except, Blackman fought every single battle in Vietnam. How? Who knows, it's Jimmy Blackman, he can do anything. Jimmy was severely injured in the Hue-Da Nang Campaign, due to an accidental explosion of white phosphorus. However, he remained in the hospital for only three hours before he returned to battle, making mince meat of the Vietcong soldiers. Months later, Blackman stole a shit load of white phosphorus and immediately launched it on unsuspecting civilians. Hilarious!
At the age of seven, Blackman was honorably discharged from the military and was awarded every medal the U.S has, including the Medal of Honor.(Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?
- ... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
- ...that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
- ... that sheep shrink when it rains?
- ... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
- ... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
- ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
In the news
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth" (Pictured)
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE raids • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • the New England Patriots suddenly being good again
Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed
On this day
November 26: Abstinence Rejection Day
- 1800 - Chastity belts effectiveness called into question when inquisitive mind finds 'back way'.
- 1818 - The Republic of Bulimia declares its independence from Spain, rejecting abstinence in favour of a Binge and Purge policy.
- 1971 - Devout Christian Jim Morrison dies a virgin.
- 2005 - Avowed abstinence practitioner Britney Spears gives birth through immaculate conception.
- 2009 - Chastity belts are outlawed and replaced with Chastity lasers.
Picture of the day
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This is NOT a potato. René Magritte's homage to Uncyclopedia. It could be a chipolata, actually; it's not a great painting either way. Image credit: Sannse |
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