UnNews:Keir Starmer places national ban on porn
Friday, July 25, 2025
WESTMINSTER, England -- Prime Minister Keir "The Farmer Harmer" Starmer has announced a sweeping national ban on pornography under the pretext of, in his words, "think of the children". The real reason for this nationwide veto, however, was yesterday's revelation that every single one of his cabinet ministers was, in fact, a raging porn addict.
Sources inside Number 10 claim the revelation came after a new "Ministry of Morals" background check turned up a collective nine terabytes of hardcore Latina porn spread across government-issued devices.
"It wasn't just the obvious ones", said one whistleblower who shall remain anonymous. "Rachel Reeves had a whole spreadsheet of bookmarked content! Yvette Cooper was running a side hustle as a moderator on a foot-themed forum! Bridget Phillipson was found giving detailed policy speeches while secretly watching the sixth volume of Big-Boobed Lecturers on mute!"
Starmer, being Starmer, attempted to regain control of the narrative by calling an emergency press conference, during which he solemnly declared, "We cannot allow Britain's moral fibre to unravel at the hands of lonely men and women with unlimited data." As per usual, he delivered this statement from a sun lounger in Puerto Rico, completely topless and drinking milk from a coconut. It was his third "emergency holiday" in as many weeks.
British citizens will still be able to gain access to such pornographic material going forward, but on one stipulation: they must voluntarily bequeath their phone numbers, government files and home addresses to major, mostly half-arsed porn outlets who definitely will not exploit that data through having it sold or stolen.
"We take your privacy extremely seriously", a spokesperson for XVideos asserted whilst mining user data live on stage. "We promise not to sell your information to anyone who isn't already buying it."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Aine Fox "New online safety protections for a ‘safer, healthier online world’" The Independent, July 25, 2025