UnNews:WW3 officially begins, UN activates doomsday protocols

The technology coming soon in the battlefield looks bright! No, seriously. It's bright.

Friday, June 20th, 2025

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — Breaking news! We're all fucked! It seems that all of the constant issues that have been bugging this human race have appeared to culminate into this eldritch horror that we call the Third World War! After the recent news video posted by The Onion came out calling for the death of Congress, which caused the coup of the American government by the corpse of Benito Mussolini, and also the handshakes happening in Tehran about how many bombs should land on their territories, Secretary General of the United Nations posted on Reddit about how much the world's screwed. This caused an conflict inside the United Nations General Assembly about what the definition of "screwed" is, which turned into a heated discussion of if John Lennon's work is woke or not, and later a conversation about if all the world's countries should disguise themselves as Canada to resolve world peace. Unfortunately for us, the latter quickly fell apart as Nicaragua stayed absent during the conversation.

Shortly after this heated debate, American congressmen would be totally scrambled — some left, some jumped out of the window, some killed their own kind, and some wanted to disguise their country as West Virginia. As a last minute compromise, the United States would launch one nuclear bomb at the Russian Diomede Islands, home to a population of zero people. This started an escalation in which the Russians would launch a nuke at the American Virgin Islands, then the Americans would launch a nuke at Sakhalin, and as the final escalation so far, Russia would launch a nuke at Svalbard, bringing in the EU into the war.

In conclusion — the fallout is about to begin.

UN's Doomsday Protocols

The doomsday protocols activated by the UN include a series of measures designed to accelerate the extinction of humanity, and were originally designed to be used in the event of a supernatural world-ending event like an alien invasion. However, the activation of these protocols has raised fears of catastrophic consequences, as nations prepare for potential military confrontations.

UN Secretary-General António Guterres addressed the assembly, stating, "We are ABSOLUTELY screwed."

In other news, human civilization will end very soon, probably in a business day or two.

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