Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/August
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August 1: Swiss Cheese Day (Belgium)
- 1844 - The FBI executes a sting operation to capture turnip kingpin Baldrick. (Pictured)
- 1910 - The first drive-by shooting happens on the streets of Los Angeles, the culprit is quickly apprehended by off-duty cop on a leisurely stroll.
- 1923 - Calvin Klein is elected mayor of Cologne, Germany. He runs things rather poorly.
- 1949 - Wichita man born with a penis on his spine receives the first massage with a happy ending, mostly by accident.
- 1957 - Rod Serling is ticketed in the middle ground between Light and Shadow, for driving intoxicated in... the Twilight Zone.
- 1979 - As a joke, Australia elects its first kangaroo prime minister, whose mishandling of the Australian legal system inspires the term "Kangaroo court".
- 1986 - Ronald Reagan attempts to nuke Russia after a wet dream involving Gorbachev.
August 2: Intentionally Give A Stranger Misleading Directions Day
- 456 - Maurading Mongol hoardes are repeatedly given misleading directions, resulting in wide swaths of carnage being cut through unsuspecting and largely unpopulated regions of central Europe.
- 1877 - When asked for directions by a stranger, Oscar Wilde, then at the height of his wit, searingly suggested that the stranger seek directions from his own mother.
- 1922 - Allen Zeitgeist asks for directions to New York from Boston. Told to "turn left where the large tree used to be" the series of events that followed causes the stock mareket crash and the great depression.
- 1939 - Tomasz Wankovszki, a Ukrainian farmer, accidentally starts World War II by sending the German army into Poland, telling them that it is actually a shortcut to Czechoslovakia.
- 1939 - Hitler refuses to order troops to stop at gas station and ask for directions; Warsaw and Krakow invaded by accident.
- 1993 - The shocking discrepancy between men and woman drivers who ask for directions is highlighted in a study by Cambridge professor Dr. Gerry von Coppenfeels.
August 3: Vague Day:
- Way too long ago – Some large lizards were forgotten off the face of the earth... or something...
- A long time ago – Some guy was born.
- A little more recent – Some guy did something important. The guy with the hair.
- hmmm – Uh... dang... <pffft>
- Way back when – The guy who wears clothes invented that thing that people use.
- A while ago – Two countries started a war. You know, that famous one with that big battle where a bunch of people died.
- I can't quite recall – I think there was a battle.
- Back before I was born – Some guy became the leader of some country.
- In the good old days – France was invaded by a certain foreign power.
- Sometime – Some lady called and left a message.
- That one time, at band camp – Some rich dude went and did something or other to this one website
- Then – Some famous guy or Some famous lady did something funny.
- The other day – Someone did something.
- The Other Other Day – this guy did something amazing
- A little later – This other guy went somewhere
- At some point – This one guy may or may not have done something that might be considered noteworthy in some circles.
- Like, whenEVER – 'kay, like you remember that guy from the commercial with the, um, thing on his head? No, the OTHER one. Well, he gets shot I think, no, actually I meant assaulted in some way, by some other guy, or girl, and it's was sooooo all over the TV, or radio? I guess it took place somewhere.
- Not too long ago – Poor people demolish a wall to create a bit more living space somewhere.
- Around 1995 – That TV show is cancelled. You know, the one with that guy, always wore a shirt... c'mon, help me out here.
- Y'know, that day – That guy, with the hat, and that other guy, they do those things they do, y'know, with the monkey, and the bar, and that hat they always used in the ... the uh, commercials.
- Two days before the Day after Tommorrow – Your Mom did something that she usually only does on Saturday nights up at Nob Hill.
- When was it again? – People could vaguely remember when is Vague Day
- Around that one time – You vaguely remember what happened that one night.
- A long time from now in a galaxy far, far away – Some dude invents some thing that does something that for some reason makes him meet some alien race somewhere.
- Sometime between the beginning and end of time – someone avoids direct answer
- Just recently – This joke about being vague got really old.
- around nowish – Something about something vague was vaguely reborn like that one guy long ago.
August 4: National Sasquatch Awareness Day (Canada)
- 1753 - George Washington tells a lie. Universe-ending consequences ensue.
- 1794 - At the height of the French Revolution, the common contemporary ailment of Separation Issues was first documented. (pictured)
- 1891 - Oscar Wilde's article The Soul of Man Under Socialism is published in the Fortnightly Review. Wilde's scathing commentary on Socialism is followed up the next fortnight by a scathing treatise on women horse-drawn buggy drivers.
- 1914 - Britain declares war on Germany, thus starting World War I. The United States insists on not getting involved in lovers' quarrels.
- 1924 - Under the leadership of the Teletubbies, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish clinch a perfect 11-0 season with a rousing defeat of rival USC.
- 1924 again - Diplomatic relations between Mexico and the Soviet Union are established. The trade of Tequila for Vodka enjoys brief success, but is later overshadowed by the roaring success of the furry hats and sombreros exchange.
- 1986 - Chernobyl, a pleasantly glowing hamlet located on the beatiful Pripyat River, opens for its first tourist season.
- 1998 - Chuck Norris, an accountant from Delaware, first encounters the term 'roundhouse', which bewilders and confuses him.
August 5: Mysterious Woody At The Mall Day:
- 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
- 1924 - The comic strip Little Orphan Annie debuts. (pictured)
- 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed.
- 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
- 1962 - Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing.
- 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, but is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals.
- 1984 - Toronto Blue Jay's player Cliff Johnson gets good wood.
- 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.
August 6: National Wear Glow-in-the-Dark Viking Costumes Day (pictured)
- 578 - The Vikings discover Glow-in-the-Dark materials long before Colombus.
- 1945 - The U.S. gives the city of Hiroshima, Japan custom glow-in-the-dark costumes.
- 1855 - The concept of The Great American Novel is first introduced, when thousands of people traversed the country in covered wagons, contracted dysentary, and felt really good about America.
- 1945 - United States gets the first ever 25 kill streak on the map of Hiroshima; immediately uses kill streak reward of tactical nuke for the round win.
- 1998 - A Gay Pride parade in Hoboken, New Jersey is interrupted by an impromptu interior decorating parade proceeding down an intersecting street in what comes to be known by all who participated as "fabulous".
- 2006 - A 1.5 magnitude earthquake occurs on the Moon. Global warming is promptly blamed for the incident.
- 2008 - In a major tragedy, aftershocks from a large earthquake in China knock over an American man's glass of water in Cleveland, Ohio.
August 7: Anniversary of the Day The Matrix Stopped Being Cool
- 2003 - An adolescent who, for no reason at all, starts mimicking the slow-motion bullet dodge from the first Matrix film on a bus, is appalled to discover that his fellow passengers are not immediately breaking out in applause and high-fives, as is usual whenever any reference to The Matrix is made by anyone at any time.
- 2004 - A suburban family, watching a toothpaste advertisement featuring characters in black leather doing kung-fu, lets out a bored sigh in complete unison.
- 2005 - A stand-up comedian, beginning a joke with the words "You take the blue pill", is booed off-stage and has his car tires slashed.
- 2006 - A man is kicked to death for saying "whoa" in a Keanu-esque fashion.
- 2008 - Robert Mugabe becomes the 44th President of the USA, announces that the Matrix "is totally not cool" and that people caught watching it "will be shot."
August 8: For God's Sake Leave Your Damn Phone Alone For 5 Minutes Day
- 1815 - Napoleon Bonaparte can't get any sig on the island of St. Helena.
- 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph, which duplicates mimes.
- 1940 - The German Luftwaffe begin bombarding Great Britain with international text messages carrying sky-high roaming rates.
- 2004 - Hello? You're calling me that there's shit in the Chicago River? WHAT THE FUCK???
- 2008 - Wait just a sec, I have a call. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're right here. I don't know, something about an anniversary. Hah, yeah, I know. And that stupid-looking hat, yeah. Oh, sorry, I gotta let you go.
- 2024 - Shit, sorry, this is the last call, I promise. Hey. It's on the table. It's on the table. On the table. The table. On the - it's on the FUCKING TABLE! THE TABLE! ON THE TABLE!
August 9: Copy the Previous Day Day
- 69 - Roman festival of Repetitionalia inaugurated. Unfortunate for Emperor Nero, as he is murdered all over again. (pictured)
- 1066 - England invaded successfully for the last time, all occupants are now immigrants except for the Cornish.
- 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a mimeographed copy of a patent for his mimeograph.
- 1945 - United States of America Military achieves its, as well as the world's, second ever 25 kill streak on the map of Nagasaki. Immediately, once again, uses the tactical nuke reward to win.
- 1976 - I just said that!
- 1980 - What are you...
- 1982 - Stop repeating what I'm saying!
- 1998 - Bill Murray commits suicide, leaves note reading "I can't handle this shit again"
- 2004 - People start to realise that yesterday wasn't neccessarily "such hot shit after all".
- 2005 - U.S. Government stuck for replacement festival, decide to re-instigate Copy The Previous Day Day. Again.
- 2006 - Due to a printing error, calendars list today as "Copy the Previous Copy the Previous Day". Global panic ensues.
August 10: Vatican Mardi Gras
- 1479 - Pope Sixtus IV inaugurates Vatican Mardi Gras, a celebration of sexuality which is the only day of the year that Catholics are allowed to celebrate sex, dress provocatively, engage in sexual intercourse, expose themselves to crowds, and drink from extremely tall, thin vessels.
- 1675 - The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London got laid. It was happy all day.
- 1829 - Pius VIII initiates the tradition of throwing beads to nuns and screaming "Show us your tits!". (pictured)
- 1914 - Pope Pius X is killed in a collision between carnival floats. The driver had become distracted after Pius threw beads to a group of nuns.
- 1989 - Pope John Paul II flashes a crowd of thoroughly appalled onlookers in Rome.
- 1992 - Girls Gone Wild: Cardinal Sins is released in the United States to critical acclaim. Gene Shalit declares it to be "one of the best movies released today."
- 2009 - Pope Benedict XVI enjoyed a massive gay sex party with all the other Popes.
- 2020 - The Midwest of the United States was given the world's biggest anal by a storm.
August 11: Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Day
- 1492 - Alexander VI is elected Pope. He becomes known for making lewd and improper suggestions to the cardinals.
- 1858 - The First ascent of the Eiger. After this ascent, an Eiger Counter keeps track.
- 1966 - John Lennon holds a press conference apologizing for stating that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus." He clarifies, "I meant to say we were more popular than Mohammed."
- 1969 - The first men land on the moon. While collecting moon rocks, Neil Armstrong "accidentally" rubs up against Buzz Aldrin.
- 1972 - The last United States ground combat unit departs South Vietnam. Says an Army spokesman, "Thank goodness we've learned our lesson! No more pointless guerilla wars without an exit strategy for us!"
- 1993 - President Bill Clinton takes interest in the new White House secretary.
- 2004 - Bill O'Reilly makes several drunken phone calls. He later wakes up to discover that he is the now the Democratic Representative for New Hampshire, and president of the international Gay and Lesbian Alliance.
- 2006 - Harry Whittington declines to play naked Twister with Dick Cheney. Instead, the two embark on a quail hunt where Dick shoots Harry, claiming it was an accident.
August 12: Madonna Depreciation Day (Worldwide)
- 1675 - The Vegetable Armistice is signed, ending the Great Tomato War.
- 1840 - Martin Van Buren is somehow re-nominated for the Presidential election by the Democrats, despite being a pretentious douche and insisting on making lame genitalia jokes at passing squirrels.
- 1908 - First Model T Ford built. It faces stiff competition from the pirate-made Model R (pictured).
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
- 1964 - English novelist Ian Fleming passes away when he is mistakenly served a vodka martini stirred, not shaken.
august 13: international apathy day
August 14: Brutal dictator appreciation day (Saudi Arabia & Jacksonville, FL)
- Long time ago - Emperor takes over the galaxy in Star Wars (TM)
- 1844 - Toast is invented
- 1855 - Following the war of a thousand toasters, the recipe for toast is lost for over 5000 years.
- 1856 - Toast is rediscovered.
- 1857 - Toast is forgotten.
- 1880 - Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany, is completed. It smells great!
- 1923 - Start of the Dotcom Era.
- 1987 - A young explorer named Wally is reported missing.
- 2001 - George W. Bush is "elected" by his daddys friends to be president of the United States.
- 2005 - Ego is discovered to be, in fact, a dirty word.
- 2006 - Horizontal Line is discovered in your pants.
- 2007 - Vertical line is discovered in the inside of your pants.
- 2007 - Hitler is finally mentioned in Brutal Dictator Appreciation Day. Took long enough.
- 2008 - The first "sort of" black dictator introduced into the history of the US. People take to the streets with high hopes of a kinder, gentler dictator.
- 2009 - Nut and penis implants are invented
- 2010 - Nut and penis implants found to cause cancer. Some 1.3 million white gangstas are affected.
- 2012 - Dick Cheney dies because his cold blackened void of a heart fails. The world is finally safe.
- 3012- 1000th "Screw Dick Cheney" Day cancelled by Undead Bush
August 15: Hug People While You're on Fire Day:
- 1,000,000 BC - Caveman introduces fire to humankind as he hugs people for help while he is on fire.
- 1800 - Napoleon invades Russia, but forgets to hug Stalin when he on fire, thus ensuring French defeat.
- 1963 - Buddhist Monks protest South Vietnam government's discriminatory policies which favor Catholics by lighting themselves on fire and hugging the Arch-Bishop.
- 1975 - Three members of the Fantastic Four hospitalized with third degree burns after the fourth member, Johnny Storm, takes Ecstasy.
- 2002 - Hug People While You're on Fire Day partially negated by Hug People While You're Wet Day
- 70,000,000 B.C. - First Gozan Okuribi festival (meaning "bloody great flaming kanji") held in Kyoto.
- 40,000 B.C. - Takoyaki invented.
- 1950 - Kyoto, Osaka and Kobe form the Keihanshin conglomerate after being liberated from their evil oppressors.
- 1973 - Kansai officially enters the Kaiju League of Japan with two contestants (Entei and Glico Man)
- 1984 - Governor of Tokyo makes stealth attacks on Kansai under the alias The Monster with 21 Faces.
- 2007 - Osaka scientists find out how to make a robot that solves a Rubik's Cube. World breathes sigh of relief.
- 2200 - Kansai secedes from the rest of Japan. Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu shortly follow. This leads to the Tozaikan War.
- 2207 - Kansai wins the Tozaikan War by planting proximity takoyaki around Tokyo. Kanto surrenders on November 1 of the same year.
- 3000 - Osaka declared capital of the world.
August 17: Dingo Ate My Baby Day (Australia).
- 5000 B.C. - first dingo arrives in Australia. Says dingo: "Man, I'm hungry. Could sure go for something chewy and defenseless."
- 3020 B.C. - Dingo's successfully mate with a Wallaby. The Dallawingoby young, a Wingodollajoeyhopper, is found to be delicious when BBQ'd, insuring quick extinction.
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson releases happiness at 11am.
- 1777 - Thomas Jefferson releases packs of Dingoes into the Virgina wilderness. These same Dingoes are later accredited with the eminination of the Roanoke Settlement.
- 1918 - Bolshevik revolutionary leader Moisei Uritsky is assassinated. Dingos are suspected.
- 1980 - "Ah Dingo Ate Moy Baybee!"
- 1984 - Happiness is prohibited by the ISoPT.
- 1986 - A pack of rabid Dingoes invade and devour the city of Syndey Austrailia.
- 1988 - Pakistani President Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq and US Ambassador Arnold Raphel are killed in a plane crash. And then eaten by dingos.
- 1988 - The legendary Alex Cross was born in Redhill, Surrey, UK. He then roundhouse-kicked a dingo in the face when it tried to eat him.
- 1997 - Rabid packs of Dingoes win parlamentary elections in Austrailian run-off elections.
- 1999 - Nothing happens.
- 2004 - Alex Cross beat Chuck Norris in a fight, but Chuck Norris, with his last ounce of strength, roundhouse-kicked himself back in time to avoid being in a fight with someone far superior.
- 2006 - President George W Bush is confused on why the farmer would name his dog "Dingo". Puppet Master Cheney tries to explain, but then gets fed up and shoots a friend in the face.
- 2009 - Mount Everest a splode.
August 18: Everybody Run From the Godzilla Attack Day
- 644 - A prodigous comet appears in the sky, in the shape of a rock. The rock magically flies through the sky, before it lands in ancient Greece and kills a busload of time-travelling nuns.
- 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium. Initially, he had a difficult time explaining the gas producing process without evoking gales of laughter.
- 1969 - Godzilla tries to attack France, but has to stop in Tokyo to ask for directions.
- 1989 - The Who, working in conjunction with Godzilla, trash several hotel rooms in Wales and Scotland. The Isle of Man is never seen again.
- 1990 - Godzilla attacks Paris, humping the Eiffel Tower twice before being driven back into the sea.
- 1991 - Godzilla attacks Paris again, this time bringing flowers. The Parisians surrender to his radioactive charm, and an evening of bliss is had by all.
- 1992 - Godzilla once again attacks Paris, leaving fifty-three successive messages on the answering machine of the Ile de Cite, each one more angry and irrational than the last. Paris gets a restraining order. In a blind, drunken confusion, Godzilla attacks a department store in Rome. Mothra and Mechagodzilla are called to drive the heartbroken beast home.
- 1993 - Princess Diana pre-died.
- 1999 - Cape Breton declares an open nuclear war on the Y2K bug subsequently pounding it into oblivion. Eminent scientists have confirmed this fact as the reason why much speculation about the threat of Y2K was ultimately unfounded.
- 2006 - Way more people die than usual.
- 2007 - The Canso Causeway, forever asserting the will of mainland Nova Scotia against Cape Breton, is melted in my microwave.
- 2010 - Godzilla sends a passive-aggressive text message to Paris, asking if it wants its copy of High Fidelity back or if he should just throw it away.
- 2010 - 1:24pm, Josh "I'm full."
August 19: Battle of Knockdoe Day
- 1501 - The de Burghs and Fitzgeralds agree to have a glorious battle in Knockdoe next year.
- 1502 - Ulick Burke too hung over to remember what day it is; Gerald Fitzgerald "super pissed" that he didn't show up.
- 1503 - Gerald Fitzgerald too hung over to attend the battle; Ulick Burke calls him a damn hypocrite.
- 1504 - The Battle of Knockdoe: a bunch of Normans and Irish chop each other to pieces, probably forever altering English history or something.
- 1919 - Afghanistan gains independence from the United Kingdom, bringing an end to the Second Battle of Knockdoe.
- 1952 - Jonathan Frakes, actor who portrayed William Riker, born in order to commemorate the 448th anniversary of the Battle of Knockdoe.
- 1991 - Collapse of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Gorbachev placed under house arrest while watching docudrama about the Battle of Knockdoe.
- 2005 - Lonely tourist kisses the Blarney Stone, ends up in extended makeout session.
- 2010 - The parish of Lackagh, former site of the Battle of Knockdoe, found to be infested with stinking drunken Irishmen.
August 20: International Random Elvis Sighting in Uncyclopedia Articles Day
- 800 A.C. - Oscar Wilde founds Uncyclopedia by creating articles with random titles, all redirecting to Elvis.
- 1804 - Lewis and Clark go on their famed Raping Expedition. The name causes controversy until it's discovered to be an innocent expedition to sell rapeseed to the Inuits and then have nonconsensual sex with their daughters.
- 1977 - Elvis takes a killer shit.
- 1991 - Fewer than infinity people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the placement of Elvis' portraits throughout Mikhail Gorbachev's Uncyclopedia article.
- 1998 - The Empire strikes back, bombing Uncyclopedia with random pictures of nude Elvis, in retaliation to Elvis bombing the Empire's embassy on Earth on August 7 protesting against deleting his Uncyclopedia article by an admin who claimed the Elvis article to be a "non-notable vanity page by an anonymous Force spirit".
- 2000 - Monkeys on strike against corrupt banana companies. Elvis calls out to fans for a total banana boycott.
- 2002 - U.S. marines find traces of peanut butter-banana sandwiches and methamphetamines in a cave near Kabul along with a written note: "Osama has left the building".
- 2004 - The Internet's undisputed GOAT, Willy on wheels, selflessly begins trying to improve Wikipedia.
- 2005 - Numerous Uncyclopedia articles vandalized to denote a random sighting of the King in the article.
- 2006 - Numerous UnNews articles vandalized by replacement with a story about Afghan police being bombed, apparently in an attempt at a badly-overstretched joke based on previous two sightings.
- 2011 - You die.
- 2013 - Someone thinks they see you shaking your hips while wearing blue suede shoes, but it turns out to be Elvis.
- 2015 - Elvis announces his intent to run for president of the US stating that he will only communicate from an undisclosed location via electronic voice transmissions.
- 2050 - Someone thinks they see Elvis, but realizes that he's probably dead by now.
August 21: International "Look over there!" Day
- 4002 BCE - Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness; Eve asks Adam why he is staring at her breasts. Adam shouts "Look over there!" and runs away, thus inventing The Oldest Trick in the Book.
- 3998 BCE - Adam tells Eve her shoelaces are untied and flicks her in the nose, thus inventing The Second-Oldest Trick in the Book.
- 27 - Jesus says he sees a giant killer land shark, uses the distraction to grab many loaves and fishes from his wagon.
- 1458 - A small child in London shouts "Look, a duck!" whilst pointing in the air to buy himself enough time to rob the city while the population is staring pointlessly at the sky.
- 1831 - While picking cotton, Nat Turner shouts "Look at all those abolitionists!" and runs away, successfully escaping slavery.
- 1832 - Nat Turner hanged.
- 1911 - Louvre employee remarks "My stars, what is that," steals Mona Lisa.
- 1940 - Leon Trotsky is killed with a pickaxe in Mexico. His last name reminds me of a horse.
- 1959 - President Dwight D. Eisenhower exclaims "That woman is topless!", signs Hawaii into statehood while everyone is distracted.
- 1967 - Carrie-Anne Moss distracts mother long enough to escape from uterus.
- 1976 - Korean War: Operation Paul Bunyan takes place. An American invasion force is distracted when North Koreans yell "Look at that giant tree," causing angry Marines to forget their mission and focus on chopping it down.
- 1995 - Monica Lewinsky screams "Oh no, a vast right-wing conspiracy," fellates Bill Clinton while he's looking around exclaiming "Where? Where?"
- 2003 - Edna Turnington of Gloucestershire purchases seven pounds of ground beef.
- 2010 - HOLY CRAP THERE'S A GIANT SPIDER ON THE WALL BEHIND YOU!
August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
- 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
- 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
- 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
- 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium, a local looks up from his waffles and remarks "This seems somehow familiar."
- 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
- 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
- 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
- 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers in black helicopters.
- 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.
Agest 23: Mizspeeeling Dá
- 1337 - Mispeelerz ariv in Inglend frum Russya.
- 0 AD/BC - Eye thinck evreethin izz speltt write heer
- 1691 - Emhliz iz inbentred.
- 1914 - A HoOL BUCHN UF n00bers IZ KIL3D At T3H WWW!1!
- 1700 - Mispeeelrz arriv n tha Untied Stapez frum Inglend
- 1866 - Prusha defeeded Ostreea in the Ostro-Prushun Woar, and dizolvd the Jermun Confedurashun.
- 1961 - AOL iz inbentred.
- 1973 - Fcuk cpatalizes on avnat grad mispsellrs.
- 1993 - Peter Cook abducted and killed by Space Otters
- 1994 - Selpl Chk is invented
- 1999 - Nustradumas's pradected yeer of tha ind uv tha wurld uv mispelllerz
- 2006 - World famous threadboard /b/ got AIDs.
- 2008 - Teh SpellCheck eez majde
- 2010 - Howazaaaaaaaaaatt! Umprie reeplize "dat is gud"
- 2026 - ZOMG!! Wurld Supliz ov Dikchunarees Ar deztroid, rezerektin misspllin!!elevn
- End of time - weezall gon a dye!
August 24: Punch a Donkey for Jesus Day
- 1132 - A Catharist sect in southern France incorporates Donkey Punching into their mass following a mistranslation of Matthew 21:7.
- 1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
- 1463 - Portuguese language discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
- 1561 - Prince Willem of Orange marries Duchess Anna of Sherbert.
- 1853 - Potato chips invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
- 1995 - Mike Tyson converts to Christianity, kills several donkeys with uppercuts.
- 2011 - Barack Obama pardons a donkey for Good Friday, only to shove him into a glue extractor on Easter.
August 25: Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day
- 1385 - Pringles are invented.
- 1390 - Birth of Sir Sean Connery, Highlander.
- 1456 - Nostradamus said "a man who loves all other men will one day say "yet each man kiss the thing he loves"". It is thought to be pointing Oscar Wilde till 1985.
- 1475 - Pringles proven to not be so good that when you pop, you can't stop.
- 1476 - Pringles try to take over the world, but failed on due to having lack of military power.
- 1480 - After failing on 1476, Pringles declared itself as a religious leader and started the movement known as Pringlism.
- 1835 - The New York Moon prints an article claiming that life has been discovered on the Sun, thus perpetrating the Great Sun Hoax.
- 1918 - Leonard Bernstein is born a second time.
- 1985 - Elton John completes one of his sentences with "...yet each man kiss the thing he loves". Nostradamus interpreters apologized.
- 1988 - In the single greatest scandal in Oscar Wilde quote history, Bill Cosby fabricates a record 2,994 spurious Oscar Wilde quotes. He comes up short of his goal of 3,000 when it is discovered that he stumbled upon six real ones previously undiscovered by scientists.
- 1992 - 1942 is invented, then thrown out for being to racist.
- 1993 - The "Sour Cream and Onion Pringlians" are killed in Waco Texas during an assault by "Baked Lays".
- 2005 - "Numerous spurious Oscar Wilde quotes appear throughout the Uncyclopedia." ~ Oscar Wilde on Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day
- 9876 - School final closes.
August 26: Creationism Vs. Evolution Annual Boxing Match/International Ameobic Birthday/The day before the day after Tomorrow
- 200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - God Creates existence. By creating existence, and simultaniously existing before existance, He created a paradox that came alive and tore a hole in the universe. Out of that hole, several thousand extremely surprised roadside diner waitresses named "Tiff" floated and suddenly (and not that surprisingly) died of asphyxiation.
- 12,032 BC - Wheel was invented by Sally and Bill Thompson from Scunthorpe UK.
- 5000 BC - Creationists evolve from homo sapiens.
- 1303 - Ala ud din Khilji won Chittor. It was behind door number 3.
- 1362 - Nothing happened. At all.
- 1567 - A great feast held by Duke Crisco The Lard is held at his home in Edinburgh. The resulting mass cannibalism is atributed to the duke's great hunger for "Scots"
- 1963 - August 26th is designated the official birthday of all ameobas by their UN Representative.
- 1971 - The discovery that God created Evolution makes scientists and theologians come together in a peace pact signed by the seventh incartion of Charles Darwin (a slightly confused Chimpanzee named BoBo) and the Mecha-Pope (a blue 1965 oldsmobile named Oldsmobile Model #32415 Serial:45563901).
- 1980 - The peace pact ends when Jerry Falwell decides to test everyone's faith by defying logic, saying that the entire universe was created in a 7 24 hour day period.
- 1981 - The right wing nutjobs abandon science and logic to be creationists, while the [[left wing liberal sissies abandon all hope of spiritual salvation and Heaven to be evolutionists.
- 1990 - At a creation/evolution debate, creationists kick the evolutionist's asses when they use the argument: Where did the ball that started the big bang come from?
- 1997 - God seeing all the confusion between the creationists and evolutionists reacts to it by doing absolutely nothing.
- 2008 - Another poorly written comedy article that nobody will ever read appears on uncyclopedia.
- 2025 - A pastor begins to question creationism.
- 2040 - After 60 years of pointless debates from 2 sides which both have truth, creationists and evolutionists come together once again and finally agree that God created evolution. There is now peace on earth and everyone lives happily ever after :-)
August 27: The Day After Tomorrow
- 1793 - French counter-revolution. Corian becomes the counter du jour.
- 1883 - Krakatoa explodes, hurling pumice, rubber ducks, loofahs and other bathing accessories over 150 miles.
- 1928 - The Kellogg-Post Pact, renouncing oatmeal as an instrument of foreign policy, was signed by 60 cereal companies.
- 2002 - Armageddon
- 2002.5 - Armageddon Nervous
- 2003 - Armageddon Outta Here
- 2 minutes later - Chuck Norris remembers to close the door of his fridge.
- 2004 - Three days from last Tuesday, something important happened.
- 2006 - Today is really August 29th.
- 2007 - Today is the day before tomorrow.
- 2009 - Scientists proved the real reason of global warming is increasing group sex rate of eskimos.
- 2101 - All your base are belong to us.
August 28: International Horniness Day.
- 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
- 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
- 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
- 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
- 33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
- 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
- 1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only.
- 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
- 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
- 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
- 1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
- 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
- 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
- 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public.
- 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.
August 29: International Androgynous Goat-People Observance Day
- 328,987 BC - At 4:02pm, Goats evolve from Dolphins.
- 240v AC- Electricity became the new fad in tribes.
- 33 AD - St. John of Patmos has a wet dream.
- 1189 - Ban Kulin wrote The Charter of Kulin, which was later banned.
- 1490-something - Chet Columbus lands in Ohio.
- 1862 - Second Battle of Bull Run. This time, Bruce Willis is brought in as lead actor in an effort to stimulate box office sales.
- 1924 - The cheeseburger is invented in Cheeseburg, California.
- 1927 - Helen Keller is born, but doesn't even notice the difference.
- 1942 - In response to World War II, ham is invented. Winston Churchill proclaims it "One small step for man, one giant leap for breakfast".
- 1942 - Famed restaurant the Grease Hut opens it doors for the first time, collectively clogging arteries across the nation.
- 1956 - In a remote corner of Canada, nothing happens.
- 1972 - Pringles, the first tessellating potato snack, are invented in Leicester by mathematician Dr Julius Pringle in order to save storage space in his tiny kitchen.
- 1999 - The War of 1812 is fought by several confused historians. Albert Einstein is the special guest referee. Soundtrack available from Arista. Shown worldwide on Pay-Per-View. Presented by Snickers. "Hungry? Why Wait?"
- 2005 - The Gulf Coast experiences light rainshowers and a moderate breeze.
- 2006 - The Antichrist comes, wearing a miniskirt.
- 2008 - The individual presumed to be The Antichrist was in fact the new Republican Party publicity director. Seems they dress in similar fashion.
August 30: Intentional Dyslexic Devil Worshipper day
- 0 - devil worship is invented by emo lord Hebert.
- 986 - A devil worshipper gets tricked into selling his soul to god.
- 1585 - Devil worshippers are saved from being burned in the stake after the inquisitor concludes they were only cursing "dog"
- 1992 - Devil worshippers are confused and name their religion the Church of Santa Ana.
- 1994 - Eugene Victor Tombs begins his search for the horizon.
- 1997 - Devil worshippers go to an apartment in New York for their pilgrimage to Stan.
- 9199 - De vil foll woers f era KY2 com ptuer suh t down t o be teh end of a ll mnaknid. T om Cr uis e cure s Sa nat of his dysle xia thro ghu Sci en tolog y.
- 2001 - Confused devil worshippers vandalize walls by spray painting 999 on them.
- 2004 - Gorgoroth released their new album with Dyslexic Satan worshipping become the new subgenre called "Tarzanic Black Metal"
- 2005 - A dyslexic devil worshipper sells his soul to Santa.
- By 2010 it is projected that there will be over 900,000 dyslexic weevil dorshippers in the world.
- By 2015 it is projected that 60% of all dyslexic devil worshippers will worship Santa, 30% will worship Stan, and 10% will worship Satin.
- 3001 - The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything is discovered along with the question that it is the answer to. Simultaneous knowledge of both causes the Universe to vanish from existence, which is replaced by something even more bizarre.
August 31: Anniversary of Rob Zombie's first Halloween
- 540 A.D. - Greeks invent the holiday of Halloween, because they were bored and had nothing else to do.
- 1963 - Mike Myers (the comedian-actor) is born, much to the amusement of horror fans.
- 1964 - The Beatles write an early version of "Help!" featuring lyrics such as "It was the boogeyman?/As a matter of fact, it was/He's not human/Shot him six times!" However, Paul couldn't find anything to rhyme with "boogeyman."
- 1966 - The Rolling Stones write an early version of "Paint It Black" with the sole lyric "Black isn't a color."
- 1966 - Randy Bachman removes the lyrics "These are the eyes of a psychopath" from the Guess Who hit "These Eyes."
- 1978 - The original Halloween movie is released; people become terrified of the wrong Mike Myers.
- 1989 - Mike Myers joins the cast of Saturday Night Live, as Michael Myers rushes out another sequel, Halloween 5.
- 1995 - Michael Myers is back with a vengeance as Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is released to little fanfare. Donald Pleasence dies and is replaced by a talking dog.
- 1997 - Princess Diana dies in a drink driving incident, while trying to engage in a spit roast in the back of a Mercedes, in Paris, France
- 1998 - Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later saves the Halloween franchise.
- 2002 - The Halloween franchise is nearly killed by Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection.
- 2007 - Hatsune Miku is born (pictured)
- 2009 - Audience flock to see The Final Destination and Taking Woodstock instead of Halloween II. The film, whose reviews were overwhelmingly negative, only played for three weeks; however, it did get a brief October re-release in time for the Halloween holiday. It still flopped.
- 2018 - John Carpenter and Blumhouse decide "fuck it" and release a 40th anniversary Halloween sequel that ignores all subsequent installments.
20202021 - Blumhouse releases Halloween Kills.20212022 - Blumhouse releases Halloween Ends... except it doesn't.