“God shave the queen!”
Classhic Connery: Notesh and Anecdotesh on Hish Beginningsh, hish Middilsh, and What He'sh Up To Today[edit | edit source]
Shixsh daysh after the death of Jeshush, the world wash lacking in a Meshiah. Sho in 1962 A.D Ian Fleming and Judi Dench created Sean Connery in shome plashe in the shouth of Shcotland. He hash the besht voiche of all time, which took roughschly 777 (sheven hundred and sheventy sheven) yearsh of reshearch to perfect.
Trained from an early age by Ordovician Monksh, Sean ish an eckshpert in hand-to-hand nun beating, a hobby that hash shtayed with him to thish very day. Gambling being hish hobby, thish prime shpeshimen of Shcottish manhood likesh to schpend mosht of hish time in cashinosh inveshtigating bad guysh in the shervische of her majeshty.
Hish love for rule onsche began at an early age and only shtopped when he dishcovered the wondersh of Atlantish.
Sean shtarted acting at the tender age of 54 and hash shtarred in shuch clashexs ash "Grandma Vsh. the Killer Bounshy Haddock", "The Tremble Claushe", "Hiccupsh Before Dawn" and "If I Had a Fork You'd Be in Trouble".
Sean Connery takesh an active role in politicsh, he ish a member of the Freedom Party which triesh to free the people of a shmall rashe on the moon from the oppreshive Sh.P.E.C.T.R.E. race.
Sean ish a big hit with the ladiesh ash well, and wash reeshently ashked to appear nude in "Coshmotwonkillian" magazhine where he wash deshcribed ash "a Mashterpeesh".
Sean is now running hish own mashively shucsheshfull webshite www.ScotOrNot.com, resheiving over 100,000 hitsh a day.
He ish the only actor in hishtory with the ability to shucshesshfully portray a character of any nationality ushing egshactly the shame accshent every time. What a legend. For thish reashon, he hash come to be known ash "The Mad Turk". He wash tired of being king of Kafirishtan, and shoon fell off a bridge while shinging a shong about the wonderfulnessh of being king, Jaymsh Bond and Michael Caine witnesshed thish.
He ish alsho known for creating the raishe of Hypello, who now live in Narnia and sherve the Great Shoopoo.
All women who ushe crutchesh aren't dishabled, they have infact jusht been shagged by Sean.
Sean now livesh in an unknown underground fortressh where he shpendsh all day getting shucked off by beautiful women and quoting "Highlander".
Contrary to popular belief, Sean Connery actually created all major world Religionsh - jusht for gigglesh.
After hish unconvinshing attemptsh to pershuade people of the world with hish "shcottish" acshent, he appeared on countlesh epishodesh of Shelebrity Jeopardy. He alsho appeared with Turd Fergushon, and Tom Crooshe. Connery'sh conshtant bantering againsht Trebek and hish "Categoriesh", hash made him ambashador to the United Nayshonsh of Counter-Alien Warfare; there he plansh, day-by-day the conshtant, mershilessh attacksh from aliensh shuch ash Michael Jackshon and that one guy in that one movie. "Ruff! Jusht the way your mother likesh it, eh Trebek?"
Among Connery'sh other contributionsh to the world wash hish major work in Jap Anush Relationsh, and knowledge of Catherine Deneuve'sh tittiesh.
Sean Connery ish the fasher of Chuck Norrish. However, Mishter Connery deniesh all connecshunsh wish Chuck Norrish.
Sean onshe battered a baby over the head with a baguette becaushe it wouldn't shut up. That baby grew up to be... Prinshe Charlesh.
Sean Connery ish in the middle of an eternal feud with Aleksh Trebek, conshishting primarily of witty taunting from Connery, and whimpering from Trebek.
Sean Connery began hoshting the podcasht Rant Alashka after World War III. And you can shee that, his glory daysh are gone with the wind. He often longsh back to those golden prime yearsh.
Sean Connery, the earth'sh guardian![edit | edit source]
No matter what shtories you might hear, it ish widely believed that Sean Connery'sh eternal feud with Alex Trebek ish really due to a rather unforgettable inshident from the year 1963 A.D., when Trebek attempted to shower the planet Earth with hish shadistic, unholy, shuperhuman abilitiesh. Connery wash the only man capable of putting a shtop to Trebek and hish Shatanic powersh. After about 10 yearsh of physhical training in an alternate dimenshion called 'MI6', he wash finally able to match Trebek'sh shtrength and engage him in mortal combat for reign over thish planet. Their battle lashted over 23 yearsh and over one hundred and sheven thousand livesh were losht, shimply due to the fact that they were in the preshensh of Connery, Trebek, and Chuck Norrish, who wash shleeping eternally under a rock. After thish brutal war had ended, Connery remained shtanding and ashumed control of thish planet, though he immediately handed control over to shumone whom he felt would do a better job of caring for thish planet; God. No one really knowsh where Connery residesh today, outshide of hish moviesh, though there have been sheveral Connery shightingsh around the world, ash of late. Very reshently, Connery wash sheen having the besht meal of hish life with Daniel Craig in Dijon.
As reported in many casesh, Sean Connery hash come to the reshcue, or at leasht tried to do sho on many occasions. In one cashe, when a group of homo terrorishtsh put a bomb in a bassh drum on airplane, Connery shtopped shniffing women'sh sheats in Colombia to get to the airplane over the Gulf of Mexico, only to find that he didn't have enough time to shnip the wire. In hish own words: " Even the damn bomb shquad ishn't that effishient". Needlessh to shay, he wash the only shurvivor.
Famoush Sean Connery Quotesh[edit | edit source]
Connery to his nieshe : "Yesh, feel free to shit on my lap." (SHIDE NOTE: Thish caushed a long debate on whether he meant to put the H in the word or not. Either way, it'sh shtill really weird.)
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Well ya were wrong, ya mountebank. I poshe a conundrum to ya, a riddle if you will. What'sh the differensh between you and a mallard with a cold? One'sh a shick duck... I can't remember how it endsh, but ya mother'sh a whore."
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Knock, knock. Whosh there? Me, the man who schlept with your mother lasht night!"
To himself during coitish at agsh sheventeen: "Thesh pimplesh make for great lubricashion" SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
To his shon, Chuck Norrish, after they both laid the shame woman: "I didn't trusht her. Why did you?"
To his shon, Chuck Norrish, after they both laid the shame woman ash above: "She talksh in her shleep. Well, I'm ash human ash the nexsht man!"
To Britney Shpears: "What you're experienshing ish called the Quickening. Shee, I shplurge sho hard into a bitch'sh dillhole that she getsh pregnant right then and givesh birth after only one trimeshter. You didn't experienshe an orgashm becaushe I tore a gaping maw through your shervixsh."
On the shet of From Russia With Love: "Ya shee!? Fifty noesh and one yesh meansh YESH!! SHUCK MY CORN, YA FUCKIN' FAT FUCKHOLE BASHTARD!!!"
Terrorizhing a faggoty, fucking gay barber: "I can't cut a man'sh ballsh off with a hair trimmer, now can I? Why don't we do thish outshide? Get shome shun."
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Trebek: Of Shimon & Garfunkel, the one who isn't Garfunkel? Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled ya mother lasht night, HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!
From hish early movie Schtroker MacKnob, while trying to provoke a fight with a polischeman: "I've eaten bigger thingsh than you, and fucked thingsh uglier. By the way, how ish your mother?"
From an interview: "I will shwallow you with mah sphincter, and schpit you out the other end."
Shoving it right in Nick Cage'sh assh: "Your besht? Loshersh are alwaysh whining about their besht. Winnersh go home and fuck the prom queen."
"If ya come to Shan Franshishco....don't forget to wear flowersh in your hair...."
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Trebek: " A V, well unfortunately for you Connery a V is the roman numeral for five so you win, let's see what you wagered.. Connery: "Shuck it Trebek HO HO HO HO"
As Jamesh Bond: "Ah Pusshy. I never knew you had it in you. You do now."
On Inschest: "My daughter oncesh revealed hershelf to me, SHO I SHPAT AT HER!"
As an Ornithologisht: "A bird onesch shat on my lap. Sho I schrew a shoe at it!"
"WOMACK! Why am I not shurprished you PIESCH OF SHIT!!!"
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: Animal Shounds for 500/Trebek: The sound a doggy makes/Connery: What ish...moo/Trebek:NO! I would have accepted bark or ruff./Connery:AAAhhh ruff, thatsh the way ya motha likesh it Trebek AR AHAR AHAR
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: I'll take Catsch the Shemen for 300 dollarsh. Trebek: It's "Catch These Men", not "Catch the Semen". Connery: Ist that what the moushtash is for, Trebek? HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: BUCK FUTTA!
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Damn you and your Daily Doublesh ya brigand!"
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Jusht you remember Trebek, shuck it long, and shuck it hard."
As Jamesh Bond: "I'm not wearin' any pantiesh."
As Himshelf: "I love everythin' bhut shecks!"
At Hisshelf: "Niche rack, I might jusht need to fixsh her good shomeday."
From Sean Connery'sh personal diary; "..toysh Sean Connery wanted ash a lad (that weren't invented yet!); Micro-naughtsh, Shcooby Doo monshter game, AT-AT imperial walker, Shtay Alive: The Shurvival Game!..."
"You're the man now , Dog !"
"Alwaysh follow your Sh with and H "
Relashunship to Barbara Waltersh[edit | edit source]
It wash theorizhed by shcientisht Bill Nye, that Sean Connery and shimilar-shpeaking Barbara Waltersh both emerged out of the shame cocoon. Thish wash denied by Waltersh, who noted that "Connery jushst hash an annoying fhuchking lishpt."
- (Please note, that Sean Connery doesh NOT have a lishp. He, in fact, ish the only pershon in the world that shpeaksh correctly)
Relashunship to Bane[edit | edit source]
Shome yearsh later, top schientishts theorizhed that it wash not Barbara Waltersh who emerged from the shame cocoon ash Connery, but Batman'sh arch-enemy Bane. When ashked about thish, all that Bane had to shay wash "I bruke Connery yuarsh agu. Whuy do yeou even care abot him? He wash reshponshible for gibing me thuh meashk tzat I hab now. Yeou're weashting my tiem, sho ged oud befor I breuk yeou ash well." However, Chrishtopher Nolan confirmed that Bane wash, in fact, Connery'sh long-losht shecond coushin.
Invenshunsh[edit | edit source]
- the Hairpeesh (aka a Rug)
- the Rug Doctor
- Famoush Flicksh
- You're the Man Now Dog!!
- The Anal Bum Cover (Attempted for sheveral yearsh, reported not completing it ash hish biggesht regret)
- The Penish Mightier (After it wash mentioned by Aleksh Trebek)
- Shwordsh and The Rapishtsh
- Famoush Tittiesh
- Jap Anush Relationsh
- Catsh the Shemen
Sean Connery did a favor for your mother
The Connery-Trebek War[edit | edit source]
The Connery-Trebek War wash shtarted one night in Shouthern-California, also known as Rbiteersh. When Connery wash enjoying hish daily taco, he shit his pants wish blood inside. Sean shaw an epishode of Jeopardy being played on a nearby televishun placed there to keep the cushtomers from killing each other over the last queshadilla. As the shtory goes, Aleksh wash reading off the categoriesh for the nights game, (Shiny Things, What do you ushe a pizza cutter for?, Potent Potables, Letsh drink some bleach, God I hate myshelf, and Retarded Shcottish Actors) when Sean noticed the lasht category. Sean took this as a pershonal offenshe and immediately shtormed out the door, and ran down to the Jeopardy shet, managing to only kill 3,400 people in the proshessh. Sean bursht onto the shet right in the middle of the show yelling, "I WILL NOT SHTAND FOR THISH TREBEK!" He then demanded to be on the epishode, sho he could prosheed to beat the tar out of Trebek's dignity. Trebek refushed. Then, in a fit of rage, Sean used hish highlander powersh to kill one of the conteshtantsh (Kenny Rogersh), taking his plashe.
The Famish Sean Connery Hairpesche[edit | edit source]
Over the yearsh, Sean Connery's famish hairpesche hash attracted musch attention. The hairpesche is almost as musch a legend as the man himshelf. Throughout the yearshs, the Connery hairpesche has gone through varioush incarnashons, each more obvioush then the next. Until receschently, the fabled hairpesche wasch wash shkillfully hidden, caushing many wonder what happened to thisch peische of movie hischtory. Connery finally came forward in 2008 and schaid that the original hairpesche from James Bond ish located in a Scottish caschtle. Within the deep reshessesh of this caschtle is a large room, at the shenter of this room ish a large glassh case with 4 foot thick glassh, which protects the hairpesche. The room ish monitored by security cameras twenty-four/sheven and on both schides of the cashe are at leasht 2 Dark Lord'sh of the Shith, both of whish are Connery'sh apprentishes, ready to kill anyone who triesh to shteal the hairpesche. Treashure Huntersh beware, Connery has shtated on sheventeen occashionsh that he has authorished them in the ushe of Forshe Lightening, a mosht terrifying technique he learned in his yearsh as a shpy.
Connery'sh Mosht Peculiar Relashunship with Jaymsh Bond[edit | edit source]
It ish a well known fact that Sean Connery hash a mosht Peculiar Relashunship with hish oft-portrayed character, Jaymsh Bond, ash demonshtrated by theesh quotesh from Connery himshelf:
“I care about Bond and what happensh to him. You cannot be connected with a character for thish long and not have an interesht. All the Bond filmsh had their good pointsh.”
“I have alwaysh hated that damn Jaymsh Bond. I'd like to kill him.”
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- He ushed to beat his wife up. Sherioushly he did look it up.
- Taco Connery wash a failed hybrid of Shcottish actor Sean Connery and a fish taco. The project cosht approcshimately $40 Billion, but the end reshult, a vershion of Sean who had fish for handsh and shpoke Taco with a Shcottish acshent, did not meet previoush predicshionsh of a killing machine of unquestionable power. Taco Connery wash lasht sheen in a pub in the Other New York Schity. He ish believed to have joined a dangeroush cult.
- Sean Connery appeared on the Radio shtation Elevator FM where to help the hosht remember hish name created thish mnemonic:
- Sean Connery
- Everybody lovesh Sean Connery
- Alan look over there it'sh Sean Connery
- Nobody can reshisht Sean Connery
- Sean Connery oncshe ate a banana by looking at it.
- In a film, Beeshtman played his shon, to make the two look more alike, Sean had to be wackshed daily, even then he wash shtill hairier than Beeshtman.
- Turned down a reported $2 million (USh) in 1988 to shtar in the Video Profesher mail-order pornographic speshial "Video Profesher 3: Final Exsham".
- When told fellow Shcotshman Gerald Butler shaid God shent him to grashe the world with hish shexshy Shcottish acshent, he replied "No I didn't".
- On March 29, 2007, Sean Connery wash canonizhed by Pope John Paul III.
- On January 1st, 2010, alsho known ash Shean Connery Day, he wash declared the record holder of mosht shecksh ever had. Even today he fiershely keeps his title by having shecksh with newborn infantsh. Keep your children away.
Shee alsho[edit | edit source]
- Connery Canard
- The Day The Mushic Died
- Dr. No
- The Jamesh Bond Gang
- Indiana Jonesh
- YTMND Hish bastard child
- Mailing it in
- Deeth ta Cookie Monshter
Achievementsh[edit | edit source]
- Founded the Czech Republic
- Before he (and hish shpeech impediment) became famoush, people (Americansh anyway) pronounshed Sean ash Seen. Now people pronounshe it Shaun sho as not to offend Shir Connery.
- He hash never managed to break up Great Britan, but the RBSh hash taken a hell of a beating. In 2008, he wash sheen walking towardsh an ATM. Everyone elshe came firsht to that one ATM.
Adam West - Anna Nicole Smith - Aunt Jemima - Billy Mays - Blue Beetle - Bob Knight - Bob Saget - Bruce Campbell - Bruce Lee - Burger King - Charles Bronson - Cheese Jesus - Chow Yun-fat - Christopher Walken - Chuck Norris - Clint Eastwood - Count Chocula - Dirty Harry - Dolemite - Dr. Phil - Mr. Garrison - George Carlin - The Green Hornet - Hanson - Jabba the Hutt - Jackie Chan - Jet Li - Joe Camel - Jack Dempsey - James Bevel - Jimmy Blackman - Jimmy Mozzarella - Juggernaut - Knight Rider - Kool-Aid Man - MacGyver - Mad Dog - Manny Pacquiao - Martin Luther King, Jr. - Michael Biehn - Mike Tyson - The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit - Mohandas Gandhi - Mona Lisa - Mr Pelican Shit - Mr. T - Napoleon Dynamite - Notorious B.I.G. - Pedobear - Pillsbury Dough Boy - Popeye the Sailor Man - Powerpuff Girls - Qin Shi Huang - Rambo - Red Forman - Rick Astley - Ronald McDonald - Sean Connery - Samuel L. Vacuum - Sarah Palin - Shaft - Scott Aukerman - Sloth - Steven Seagal - Tony Jaa - Trix Rabbit - Uncle Ben - Vanilla Ice - Wesley Snipes - William Hung - Willy Wonka - Wonder Woman - Yogi Bear - Your Mom